BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Give in or ship out

Okay first time posting here as I've read many times from others on this forum. I can only conclude that many, if not all of us end up here for similar reasons. I am so out of energy and so warn out that I thought I'd take a shot at sharing my story to see if I could get some feedback. The people here really seem to understand. I was drawn to this forum to see women's perspectives on having kids and whether it was always the woman pressuring the man. I was relieved to find out otherwise. Married 3 years now to a woman I love very much. We had a rocky road from the beginning however. We briefly spoke about kids before marriage. I agreed that some day I would want them. The first year of marriage we had intimacy problems. She was never interested and insisted that I just hurry up and take it how I could get it...when and how she was willing. There was no connection. It was mechanical and not with feeling and love. I was even told by her that she just didn't care about sex and that it was just overrated. She told me that it was all I cared about. I tried explaining to her numerous times that it was much more than physical and that sex created a bond between 2 people who love each other. It is an unspoken connection and a form of love and communication. Out of frustration I eventually told her that it just might not work out at all because it just felt like we had no spark. Eventually I withdrew and gave up on intimacy because I felt so rejected. I resorted to building our friendship instead. At the end of year 1 which was full of arguments and devoid of intimacy she asked me for kids. I firmly declined, telling her that it was crazy to even consider it given the status of the relationship dynamics. We didn't even get along or share intimacy more than once a month if even. This made me question her motives and judgement. Was this all for the purpose of having children? Am I merely filling a role? Since then(2 more yrs) our friendship within the marriage has progressed greatly. Most of the time we really enjoy spending time together and doing things together, talk and laugh a lot, and share lots of quality time. The only problem for me was her occasional hurtful or disrespectful comment which she has improved on quite a bit. It seemed as if things might actually work out and we were doing better as a couple. I had great hope and had accepted that our relationship would just be more of a friendship based one. I was willing to accept that and to love her for who she was. We had been through a lot and finally really seemed to find a sincere and loving connection. For the last year or so we have been pretty happy and with the exception of a few bumps. About 4 months ago she started asking me about having kids again. As we were still working on things I just told her I didn't think I was ready. I wanted to work on "us" more and also to save up more to buy a place. We are very early 30's now. It seemed reasonable. I thought she would repsect it and back off. Since then she has interrogated me repeatedly about children week after week for the last few months. I respectfully asked her to please just back off wait a while so that we could solidify our relationship, spend time together and just enjoy our life together, maybe travel a bit more etc. We were finally on the right track and making great progress as a couple and were much happier than we had ever been. This meant the world to me. I was happy that we had made this much progress. During the last 2 months or so she has resorted to threats of walking out if I am not willing to cooperate with her and start trying for a pregnancy. I tried listening, acknowledging her concerns and discussing it calmly. I made every attempt, suggesting counseling more than once and trying to make the best of things in the mean time. She refused counseling and kept delivering ultimatums saying that if I did not agree to start trying for kids that I would need to leave. I was shocked. If I did not decide she said that she would decide for me. I expressed to her that I understood her urgency but that because of her constant ultimatums I felt deeply hurt and not respected. I relayed that I was totally amazed that she would actually be willing to throw away the love and relationship we shared and had worked so hard for. I asked her repeatedly thinking she would realize what I was saying and adjust her perspective and give me the time I need to be ready to move on to the next step(having kids). I am still in total disbelief that she would throw it all away just because I am not ready to start trying for kids right now. It hurts me so much to think about it. It consumes me and I just feel drained and stressed. Recently she confronted me again and said that I need to decide immediately if I am willing to start "trying". If not, then I need to get my things together and leave. If I did not decide she said she would decide for me. This is her final offer. I told her that I cannot help but feel like she just doesn't love me enough or respect me enough if she is not willing to work with me on this rather than just ending the marriage after 3 yrs. We are each other's best friends and partners in life. It baffles me beyond belief. It's so hurtful. I feel I have no other choice but to leave soon and it kills me. I feel like she's forcing me out the door. She maintains that if I loved her enough I would just agree and do it. I told her it had nothing to do with my love for her. She said I needed to agree NOW to try to get pregnant soon or leave. I told her kids are not something I am ready for yet but I was willing to eventually try when I felt ready. I strongly believe you take your marriage vows to the person you marry and do not feel like this ultimatum I am being subjected to is fair in any way. I have contemplated just going along with it but feel like I would be betraying myself in the long run. I just feel overwhelmed and at a loss. I fear losing my best friend and partner. It's so hard to accept. Even if she expressed some understanding and agreed to back off for a while I would likely feel more comfortable. Under the terms of an ultimatum however I just can't allow myself to make such a big decision and feel right about it. Thoughts and feedback from anyone would be so appreciated. I just feel so betrayed.

Just read your post this morning. My thoughts will be blunt, and I hope I don't offend you. I have no doubt many others will read your post and give you some great feedback, fo feel free to disregard mine if it is not helpful. First of all in my opinion your marriage was dead on arrival. If two people are so sexually incompatible, the relationship should end period. Can you live your life without intamacy?? How miserable! Yes it's nice and necessary to be friends with your spouse, but when you agree to be married you are now solely responsible for eachother's physical needs. You deserve hapiness in all areas in life. Some people are asexual, or just don't have that drive. There are also other men-believe it or not-who are as well, and that is who she needs to be with. My advice is get out get out get out. Now. You are still young. She is still young enough to find another man to have her babies. You deserve hapiness, and it is not where you are. If you have kids only for her things will not get better. Also, in the three years together, while I don't think cheating is ok, I also think not having intamacy with your partner is wrong. Since she doesn't care about sex and thinks sex is so overrated then it reasons she wouldn't care if you had this unecessary activity with someone else...Yes, get out get out get out...good luck! you have my sympathy!

I totally agree with moonsammy. You cannot not have an intimate relationship with your wife. Sex is actually what makes the difference between being friends and being a couple. If intimacy is not taking place now, it will get worse if she has kids to devote herself to. Kids bring a lot of extra stress to couple who have other issues pending.

How much commitment do you think she'll have to the relationship once you've fulfilled her need for a sperm donor and will be an obligatory provider?

This is an extreme view, so water it down and apply it to yourself. Then, ask how happy you'll be with her.

Why I'll always put my children before m...l#ixzz0kWGxnmfm

Betrue, I have to agree. As a child of one parent who wanted children and another who didn't, I can tell you that the arrangment is fair to no one. My mom and dad divorced bitterly and as I get older, I get a bigger grasp on the level of that bitterness as my mom reveals it to me. She wanted kids, he didn't, it turned out to be a failed relationship, anyway, so no one left happily. My father is a good soul underneath it all, but completely useless as a parent. The split left permanent marks on the lives of my brother, myself (who took the brunt of a lot of his bitterness), and my mom.

I have to echo Moonsammy's opinion: Getout, get out, get out. She will never be happy and you will never be happy with her. And to bring children into that is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Remember, it's not just your life that is impacted by that decision. Are you willing to be accountable for the rest of your life to the children you might produce in such an unhealthy relationship? You're not ready and should not be rushed. She sounds like she's wanting children for reasons other than love and soulfull desire, and anything less (in my opinion) is woefully and ethically wrong.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but don't do it, friend. Just get out and start over. I know, easier said than done, but that's just my opinion.

So, she's basically saying if you love her , you will totally change who you are? I do not want to be a mom, and I basically had long talks with my now husband way before we were even engaged about the matter. It's a shame how the weight of one issue can shatter a relationship. I hope it works out for the best. My confusion lies here; Why would she want kids before being financially ready anyway. How will you enjoy your children if you have to work 60 hours per week to put food on the table? I think this is a question that many Americans DON'T ask themselves.

Betrue - my sympathy goes out to you. You sound like a good person who thinks things out rationally. IMO your relationship with your wife is so wrong on so many levels. I see red flags all over the place.
Do you honestly believe that if you give in to her demands (and threats) that things will improve? Well, things WILL NOT improve. She will devote all her time to the baby and you will be left out in the cold completely. And your sex life will certainly not improve.
You say that the two of you are best friends and partners in life - WHAT?? You call her 'best friend' when she tries to intimidate you and tells you to leave if you don't agree to have a kid with her.
You need to re-evaluate your life. Think about all the other possibilities you've got. It doesn't sound like life is much fun for you in this situation.
Oh, and be careful of the 'OOPS, I got pregnant". Make sure it is YOU that takes care of the birth control cause a lot of women that are hell bent on having a kid will do just about anything in their power to get what they want.
Good luck, an keep us posted.
cp

Thank you all so much for your honest feedback. I was not at all offended by any of it and actually really appreciate the genuine feeling and candor. I would not expect anything watered down because the truth and reassurance were what I needed. By the way, she did make some attempt at establishing some chemistry during the second half of the marriage. However it was only after me refusing to start trying for kids that first year. I had several serious discussions with her about it previously and how I didn't think it would work out between us if we were not able to establish some intimate chemistry. No change occurred. After I declined trying for children, she began to change by being more pleasant and respectful and verbally offering intimacy. The part that bugs me is that what seemed to be the catalyst for change was not my several very serious discussions with her, but instead my denial of babies. Am I being crazy and imagining these things? Since then I always questioned her motives. I know she loves me but I could not ignore my observations and feel like I was just "filling a role". Additionally, her attempts to initiate intimacy consisted of just laying there and saying "mabye we could do it". There were a few times she actually put forth effort but I can count that on 3 fingers. I tried to explain that even as a man I need and enjoy some warm up and foreplay too. What's the point of just "doing it"? I'll pass on that. 2 people who love each other should be capable of making love. That point (after over a year) of ultimate frustration finally caused me to decide to essentially boycott intimacy with her for my own sanity. Eventually when we were intimate again I just didn't feel any connection and just became accustomed to being affectionate and loving but without sex. Crazy thing is that I still find her very attractive but I feel an aversion to intimacy with her. I think it's like that old saying about first impressions....such was that first year of marriage for me. I think I was just emotionally scarred from it. Much resentment. I think you are all right about the relationship being dead on arrival to some degree. I just felt a duty to persevere as I took my vows. Now these unrelenting baby threats. Just seems like one hurdle after another. It's the love and friendship that makes it confusing and difficult. I think she would be very happy and still try to be a partner to me if we had kids. She might even treat me better out of gratitude. It's just that I am getting in the way of her getting what she wants, and now! I feel guilty for it too somehow. Like I am causing the rift. STILL doesn't change WHAT she is doing to me now with the ultimatums. All else good, that just KILLS any positivity for lack of respect. Yes, maybe "best friends" is completely false. Maybe I am over analyzing the situation already. Am I being unrelistically optimistic or dellusional thinking it could get better? I suspect you all would say so and are right. Feel free to verbally kick me in the posterior and wake me up to reality. Anyway, I apologize to all for the rambling on about details. I just want to make sure I am being fair and making a well thought out decision. It's down to the wire. It is what it is and ultimately I am on the receiving end of very hurtful ultimatums. I can't see moving forward under these terms.

My friend, I think you know what the healthiest option here is for all involved (including the potential children). You're young, you've got time. If you decide later that your really do want children, it's not too late. But not with her.

I can understand you giving her the benefit of the doubt because of your friendship, but you can't have an intimate, meaningful, physical relationship with someone if there's no chemistry. Maybe you'll just be better off as friends leading separate lives. If she was a true, true friend, she would try to see your side of things and not force it upon you. Friendship, like any relationship, involves compromise, not dictating and ultimatums.

Do not believe for a minute that her feelings toward you will change once a baby is born. If anything, the relationship will fry even more. If she's issuing your ultimatums about making a baby, how is the decision making process going to be handled once the child is born and living and breathing and crying and needing care?

Betrue, it's not a healthy situation. Not for you and not for a child. Please give that the priority in your decision. It's not just fulfilling her needs and wants and letting her have her way, it's creating a LIFE that will require constant care for the first several years and part time care for the rest of your life afterward. Please, please, please remember that.

The woman sounds like cr@ppy mothering material no matter WHO provides the sperm.

Seeing how she is trying to make the marriage fit her ideals; not taking into account her partner's needs; should her child(ren) turn out to not fit her own view of what motherhood is all about, what will she do to THEM?

No ... I wouldn't want to be part of making a child with this woman at all. You are potentially creating a very dysfunctional family.