BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Friends with babies ... where do I draw the line?

Hello everyone. First time posting here. I am married and child free. My husband and I are on the same page, so no issues there. Most of my friends were child free up until this year because a lot of them got married over the last few years. Now, 2009 has been a baby boom in our little "girl friends group". Four babies in one year! Three of them were within six weeks of one another. So, needless to say, our group dynamic has changed quite a bit. I went to all the weddings and baby showers and I am truly happy for my friends because this is what they have always wanted. So, here is my dilemma ... the new baby moms are having these "new baby events" we are all invited to ... baptisms, baby naming ceremonies, etc. I didn't go to the first two of these "events", because even though I am happy for my friends and want to support them, sorry, I'm just not into the baby thing (I'm sure you can all relate). Now another friend is having one in January and again, I feel peer pressure to go, more so this time because I am closer to her than the other two. So now what? I feel I am a b if I don't go, and if I do, the other two will think I'm a b for not going to theirs. I guess I'm thinking I should be consistent? Or maybe it doesn't matter? But, here is the deeper question ... where do I draw the line? Where does it end? If I go to this ceremony, will I be expected to go to first birthday parties and first mother's day celebrations, etc? Do I bring gifts to all this stuff? Where does it end?? I am sure some of you on here have dealt with this sort of thing. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Traci

Hi Traci, These are my thoughts, not so much advice. Personally, I don't like weddings, funerals, christenings, though for me, bridal/baby showers are more my speed, I don't go to those either. I go, when and where I feel like going. However, there's always going to be some sort of social etiquette involved. My "new thing" is to step out of my comfort zone and just do things for the sake of putting myself in a situation that I really don't "feel" like being in. And, I've found that I DO feel better that I've done it. Also, change isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it's time for you to find some non mommy friends. It doesn't mean that you're ditching your old friends, it's just progress - they're progressing in their way and you're progressing in yours. Your needs and their needs are changing. It happens as we grow up. Even if you were expanding your family at this time, it doesn't mean that you and your friends would continue to grow together. When I was a young mom, I didn't want to hang out with my old friends, they were different kinds of mommies than I wanted to be. So, it's not necessarily about "the kids". Just like they're getting something new in their lives - could be time for you too. Maybe it's time for you to get that business going, or expanding the one you already have. A career change, learning something new, travelling, volunteering. I would just like to offer you "permission" to not feel guilty about whatever decision you ultimately make. You aren't going to be able to please everyone, but you can be happy for everyone, and if that's not good enough for them, oh wells. Be true to you. You are Joy! Joyfully, Janet

Well, I guess I would say that no one enjoys a funeral, but you go to support your family and friends. Isn't this the same thing?

The only baby event I would attend (and this is just me) would be the showers and the birthday parties. The other things like baptisms and naming ceremonies sound like something that should be for family members. But that's just my opinion. I really don't know the proper etiquette.

I find it interesting that "etiquette" is now something that gets conveniently pulled out for life events such as marriage, baby showers, funerals etc. even though it is all but dead in real life. People are very concerned about not offending others at these big events, but not so much all the other days of the year. I don't think showers, birthday parties etc. are events that require "support", in the sense that the parents are generally happy and excited...quite the opposite of a funeral. Would you feel the same pressure to attend a co-worker's birthday party?

Etiquette aside, the only reason you should go to these events is because you want to share in the joy of the parents. Personally, I don't get any joy myself from attending these events because inevitably, at events that promotes others to supposedly think about how they should treat others, I will be made to feel like an outcast because I don't subscribe to their brand of happiness.

There are people who don't go to funerals... well, I don't go to showers. I doubt people are really offended by this, because most women I know can't stand showers and really don't want to go, so they secretly sympathize with me (with or without kids...my mom tries her hardest to avoid showers as well!)

Everyone, Thanks so much for all your replies. It's interesting to see how you all view this. I have decided to go to the baby naming. My friend called me the other day and asked me to go (I think she was concerned I hadn't replied?). It sounds like this is a big deal to her and she wants her close friends and family there to celebrate. The way she asked, I couldn't say no. Another friend in the group said she feels the same conflict I do and she is a parent herself (but her child is grown now), so I felt much better. Now I know it's not just the non-parents that feel this stuff can be too much. She initially said she was going to decline, but now she's not sure (maybe feels more inclined to go now that I am going?). Janet - I am totally on the same page as you as far as the old friends / new friends thing. It's funny you say that because over the last year or so, I have gravitated towards another group of friends - both singles and couples that are child free. Before I would just see them occasionally, but now I'm becoming part of their "group". It's not like I did it on purpose, but I think subconsciously, we gravitate to people who are more like us. My old mommy friends are becoming less like me, so therefore I am gravitating towards people who are more like me ... people who can hang out on Fri and Sat nights, do fun things on a whim, not having to worry about sitters, etc. Also, within my old group, it seems the moms are all hanging together more and ... you guessed it ... the non-moms (or empty-nesters) are hanging together more. I kind of figured this would happen. Again - like attracts like. Sure, we all hang out together when we can, but it's not like the old days when we were ALL child free and we all felt equally bonded to each other. So, life goes on. I am glad I have this new group of child free friends. And, if and when they have kids ... again, I'll try to find people who are more like me that I can hang with. Life goes on. :-) Traci