BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Husband innappropriate with EX

Hey guys... I just read a post saying that we (stepmoms) shouldnt try to to change the way Husbands deal with thier ex-wives... i have a big issue with this.. my H discusses private marital matters with the EX... for ex: my pms and how i wasnt handling it well... me feeling uncomfortable and out of the loop when it comes to stepkids and ex and custody and whats going on... he seems to run to her when he has issues with me. he says, oh, she called and could tell i was upset so i talk to her about it... why cant he say, none of your business?? why is it ok for him to discuss private matters with her? i hate that they are still bestfriend-ish and i feel like the 3rd wheel. i feel like they are the team and i am just another issue they deal with... i just want my marriage and my issues to be private between H and I and i dont want her knowing my personal life!!! i told him this really bothers me but it doesnt seem to stop him, so now what?

Your family or personal matters should absolutely be between the two of you and the ex should not be involved in any personal matters between you at all.

If he wants to talk with someone about personal matters between you two, he should be talking with you about them.

They are careful not to include you in their conversations or problems, he should show you the same courtesy.

thank you mr. vance : ) I agree. I understand that they have a history, and where to draw the line is in question sometimes when it comes to appropriate behaviour or relationship with her. at times he hates her and is very mad, and at times he is laughing, joking and kind to her. we need a good relationship with her, its hard enough on the kids as it is being switched from house to house and geting used to new rules on both H and Ex's part... I feel as though lately, i am constantly complaining, like i have nothing good to say and i feel bad that my H feels that he is in "trouble" with me a lot lately... he has some other issues with work that are stressful right now and i hate for him to not look foward to reading an email i wrote him, for fear that it might be me giving him crud again. Something tells me that I need to be patient. We are all dealing with a new way of life now that H and I are living close by and see the kids regularily rather than every 3mths for 3 weeks.. and we are dealing with new issues with my SD, 13, almost every day, at least every couple of days.. despite the parents knowing thier children and loving their children, they have just as much experience raising a 13yr old as i do. NONE. So we are all learning and we really just need to co-operate and support each other. its difficult to broach new ideas and have conversations about what to do without stepping on someone's toes or offending them.... thank you for your reply : ) Much appreciated.

Dear 4face--
Oh, dear. I am so sorry. I'm on your side with the notion of how harmful it is for your husband to share your struggles with the ex. No, absololutely, "No." He's blowing the deal. The deal is, "I stay out of how you deal with your ex," out of respect for that relationship...and I expect the same respect for me, my efforts with my stepchildren, and our relationship! I don't tell you how to deal with her and you do not discuss me with her, or really, anyone."

This is absolutely necessary. You're in an incredibly hard position and you need his respect for your efforts. You need his cooperation.

This could be hard at first as sometimes the guy will not see how damaging talking about the stepmom's struggles with the bio mom can be. Ask him to trust you..that when this trust is broken, it makes your work so much harder.

You need him to get this. Let me know.

Big hug. Been there.
mysteryshrink

If I recall in a previous posting- your husband's EX got angry and sent him an email about you being so involved in their daughter's lip ring- how nice the the rules only apply to one side.

If that was me, I would be furious. He has no right to tell her such intimate details of you. I think you need to sit down with him and discuss these issues before it gets out of control.

I (well,I am much more forward then the average woman) would also be sending HER an email or giving her a call and tell her that your personal life is yours and not for sharing time then reminded her how offended SHE was with your involvement with their daughter's lip ring.

Whatever you do, I hope it works out for you both. Try talking to him and give him the opportunity to see your side and understand your feelings before you jump up on him and do a Rambo.

Thank you for your comments and YES, i was furious at him, and i am getting more and more furious at him. i cant seem to find the right time to sit him down and make him understand how serious this is. It is hard enough to deal with him having a relationship with his ex-wife because she is the mother of his children, but for me to feel as though she is his buddy and that SHE feels comfortable talking about me to HIM? my husband? she thought she would find sympathy and understanding from my H?? as she was complaining about his wife? ARGH, i just need to get my thoughts straight so i dont forget to say what i want. i often get so mad that i forget important things and then i need to bring it up again and i'd rather just deal with it and have it done. I am starting to feel like this is much harder than i ever thought it would be. i have no idea how i am going to deal with her and thier relationship for the rest of my life. geeeeeze i didnt marry her yet it certainly feels like i have. i am so mad i am shaking. my H is asleep.. maybe i can get myself together tomorrow and find a time then. thank you very much for your support.

Hey everyone. So i finally found the time to have this talk with my husband. i had the initial freak out on him when i found out, but yesterday i had the calm, thought out talk. He says he understand why i was so upset and that he wont be talking to her anymore about me or us. What really shocked me and angered me was him saying, i didnt know those things were private. Hello??? Duhh! of course they are private and personal!! i hate that we werent even on the same page when it came to that. he says he's not as private of a person as i am and thats why he thought talking to her was ok. i explained many ways and reasons why this is not acceptable. unfortunately i am left in a position where i just need to trust that it wont happen again. the first time it really angered me was last year and i told him it really bothered me, yet he did it again! how do i know that this time, for real, he wont do it again and wont think, "its stupid that i cant talk about this, and she wont find out anyway..." i hate not trusting him but i cant trust him about this at this point. i just have to wait n see... i'm just scared that it will happen again and i wont know. the only reason i knew about it this time was because i read his email. (we have some other trust issues which resulted in me knowing all his passwords..) what if i havent been nosey enough in the past to catch him every time? i hate this. anyways, just wanted to let you know that we did have the talk, he said he understands... i told him that i'm sure he wouldnt want me spurting out his personal business to my friends or the EX and he agreed. just wish he "really" felt the same way as i did, because if he understood how i felt and agreed with the privacy issue, then he wouldnt have spoken to her in the first place. ugh thanks for your support guys.

Dear 4Polar,
I love your tag. One little thought...as self-protection...remember the danger of having our steadiness based on someone else doing what we want. It's not that they don't want to, it's just that they are so hard to train. I'm kidding, of course, but I was just thinking that if you believe you will fall apart if it happens again, I just hate to see you that vulnerable.

Especially since your husband didn't recognize what he was doing before, and it doesn't sound as if he intended hurt. I'm just suggesting you might want to tell yourself, "Hey, I don't want it to happen again, but if it does,I'll be fine. We'll talk about it. He's married to me and he love me and we can talk it through."

Needing it to never happen again is just to scary when you need all the love and support you can get.

Cudos for the big talk.
There ain't no easy way.

mysteryshrink

I'm also in a similar position. This is my first marriage and DH's second (his ex cheated on him). Since she found out that we were together, she made my life a living hell (and this was 6 years ago!). So the other day I found out that she is on FaceBook, stating that she is married, but interested in men. I mentioned this to DH and he wanted to phone her DH (the one she cheated him with) to inform him about her FB stuff. I told DH to leave it, as it is none of his / my business what goes on between them. He got so angry towards me, he told me to "f*ck off" and that I'm "protecting" her by not wanting him to phone her DH. I felt terribly hurt, 'cause his actions made it seem as if he actually still cares about this bit*h. He gets very angry whenever I mention her name, but yet it is "upsetting" him about what she says / does otherwise.