So I have been struggling with whether or not to end my marriage for the past 5 years. After 8 years of a struggling, argumentative, volatile marriage, I confessed to him that I had developed feelings toward a co-worker, but nothing had come of it yet. At that time, my husband confessed to me of an affair he had about 2 years earlier of a co-worker of his, a 2-3 month sexual affair. This prompted me to get him to move out, which lasted all of 3 weeks. This was 5 years ago.
Since then, he confessed to a 2nd affair (which actually occurred long prior to the other one). In fact, it had occurred just before we were married. About 6 mos before we were married I had found a love letter he had wrote to a classmate in college who was going away. I was devastated, but he swore it was nothing and that he was just getting cold feet. He promised nothing had happened besides a kiss and talking. I believed him, and decided not to call off the wedding. Well, this is the 2nd affair he confessed to a few years ago, except now he owned up that this too was a multiple month long sexual affair as well.
Hurt, confused, and betrayed, I confided in my co-worker friend about my troubled marriage. He had been through a bad marriage of his own, and was raising a special needs child on his own while his prior spouse took off on him. He was truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met and over time fell completely in love with him. I was hurt enough by my husband that I felt little remorse for starting that affair. This man clearly liked me as well, but was very reluctant to be involved until i convinced him my marriage was ending (which I believed to be true).
I left with our 3 kids about 10 months ago feeling like I had not married the person I thought I had, and not wanting to be with a person who could have done those things to me. That lasted about 3 months, as the separation took its toll on the kids, and I wrestled with the morality of divorcing him when he so clearly didn't want that to happen. So we stopped the divorce proceedings and I broke off my affair (which I told him about), and told him I wanted to make another try at the marriage, believing he had changed.
To make this shorter, I believe he has changed. He truly seems different. He's more caring, slower to argue, a less-sharp tongue, more understanding and is willing to forgive my affair. We truly get along better than ever, I would even call him my best friend. However, therein lies the problem. I can't kiss him, I have a hard time even hugging him. Sex rarely happens, and then only if we are drinking together for some social reason and I feel dirty about it the next day, almost as if I'm cheating on the person I had an affair with the prior 4 yrs, who I still miss terribly.
I talk to this person once in a while (we no longer work together). He was devastated that i broke things off and went back to my husband. He thinks I'm crazy for going back. He waited for me to change my mind for months, but is now starting to move on and date. I can't stand the thought of that. I long for my husband to tell me that he is having another affair or catch him in one. I think that would give me the catalyst I need to just end this and leave without guilt.
But no such luck. The irony of course is the man that I had loved for years didn't love or respect me. And now that he has changed his ways and appears to love me, I no longer feel any more for him than I would a good friend. I truly believe if we didn't have kids, this would have ended 5 years ago. And if I knew the truth about what he had done when we were engaged, I never would have married him in the first place. I'm not sure if this marriage is for sure over given the fact that he seems so into it (even despite the lack of intimacy), but for me it sure feels like it is. Any thoughts?
---Confuzed
Last edited by Confuzed; 10/14/09 09:38 AM.
