BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Step Daughter in despair

Hi, I'm a 19 year old stepdaughter of a 34 year old stepmother. Basically, to put things into perspective, my parents separated when i was 10, and my 4 year old sister and i moved out with my mum. Eventually we were to move in with my mum's partner, a very abusive, nasty woman. Over 8 years, my mother became very neglectful about emotional issues, concentr5ating on material wants. She withheld my sister and i from my dad, and being very strongly attatched to my mum, i went along with any badly behaved action she asked me to do. My step mum, who came into the equation 1.5 years after my parents separated, and i used to get along really well, until mum told us she 'wasnt to be trusted', and then we didnt see my dad for 6 months, all the while being told she was a horrible person. Of course, being a good daughter, i believed mum, and we were very nasty to her, until i reached 16, when i realised that my mother wasnt who i wanted her to be and she had been lying to me about most things to do with dad. By this stage, my dad and stepmum were engaged, and their wedding was set. i was 17 then, i wanted to go, but, responible for my sister in the reach of my mum's partner, and scared to death of violent implications of going, i pulled out last minute, saying to dad we had to go horseriding (my stepsister was listening). as an obvious result, my stepmum was irate, taking it as a personal insult, understandably rather than accepting that i felt in danger, which i understand but find it really hard to deal with - it was the worst decision i have ever made, and it makes me feel ashamed at the highest level. A month later, after mums partner got continually violent (the last straw after 8 years) i asked my dad and stepmum if i could live with them. We have been living together for about 2 years now, and everything goes up and down, all the time. we lay down conditions, such as giving my stepmum personal space-bedroom etc-, secrecy with information, which i have kept overall very well, as we all agree. My stepmum and i have either gotten along really well or really badly, and in the last 6 months it is more bad than good. she says she has tried really hard and that she puts so much in, and i give nothing back. I feel like i am trying really hard as well - i dont just want a house, i want a relationship. I have made an effort to give her and dad time, eg going away to my grandparents/aunties every second weekend, and i stay confined to my room most of the time. However, when i stay in my room, she takes it as avoidance when things are bad. I just hate conflict, especially when she has already said she is cranky about the eg wedding, and there isnt a way it can be fixed. She likes to 'analyse' everything about my mood and everything because 'otherwise she cant cope' in the relationship, even if i dont want to talk about it. Basically, she likes to bring up everything on a regular basis - tell her how how i am, ask how she is, issues of the past - otherwise she doesnt help, and i like to put it away and get on with things, otherwise i just have these things in my concious mind 90% more often than i can cope with. dad doesnt understand why i dont always feel better after talking about these things for hours on end, usually all in tears. We have a conflict of personal interest in a way, and we cope in very different ways. Basically, if one is happy, the other isnt, and i dont know what to do anymore. we are just in conflict all the time and i cant stand it. Although i feel i have tried incredibly hard to be independent over the last year (im in my last year at school due to some interupted schooling) and to be a good daughter all round, i do feel im being told i am very selfish and in that i am not making enough effort. i dont know what to do with all this, because the way we are doing it and the way we supposedly need to do it drains me completely. I just want us to get along, even mutually. my schoolwork is falling apart, my stepmum is doing her doctorate which i really want her to suceed in because she has worked so hard for it, and i just want to be able to get along now and for years down the track. i have tried to mend behaviours form the last 10 years, but obviously im doing something wrong. I know i cant escape the past, i just want to know how to deal with it. I already see a psycholohgist on a regular basis. Does anyone have any clues, ideas, experience, advice, anything, that i can use. Please be as honest as possible, I just want to make things better. Thank you if you have gotten this far, i really do appreciate you reading my ramble, it means the world to me right now.

Torchwood, I don't know how much help this will be to you as I was never a stepchild. I am however a stepmom of an eight year old girl who is giving me lots of trouble. She has many emotional problems due mostly in part to the way her mother (a drug addict) has raised her. Her mother also lies to her and puts her in compromising situations that can be potentially be dangerous to her. You seem like a responsible young lady who is struggling with her past. Your stepmom feels very hurt because you did not come to their wedding which, is understandable. She seems like she may be the type of woman who cannot get over things very easily. I myself deal with this same problem. She may very well resent you for not taking part in one of the most important days in her life. You know now that you were wrong in not attending and I can tell you regret it deeply. Have you ever told her how much you regret it? If you haven't told her yet give it a try it may do you worlds of good. Have you told her all that you just wrote about your feelings? As you said you both deal with problems differently and what works for her will not always work for you. She is the type of person who talks out problems. These type of people don't understand why anyone would want to hold things in. This type of person typically says whatever they are feeling at the moment to get their problems off of their chest. She may not understand that you have feelings that you cannot explain or may not want to. I used to burry my problems as well. I thought that it would be better that way but instead, it only helped me develope mental issues such as social anxiety disorder, and obssesive compulsive disorder, and deppression. It took me many years to get to the point I am at now. I am rarely deppressed, can talk more easily to strangers and in front of large groups. Also, I have gotten my compulsions under control. I found that for me, talking about my problems helped me tremendously. I talk about my problems with my husband. I am very lucky to have him as he does not judge me when I talk about what bothers me. Maybe you do not fully trust your stepmother and feel as though she is judging you when you open up to her. Maybe you need to find someone else to speak to. That doesn't mean you should stop communicating with your stepmom. I think that it may take a while but talking will eventually help you.

Torchwood, Another thing that has helped me is to try and stay possitive. If I think about my past and start to get sad about a situation I just tell myself "My past made me who I am, and i'm a great person." You may have to tell yourself this alot before you start beleiveing it but trust me it does work. Possitive thoughts are kind of like self hypnosis. Tell yourself possitive things before you go to bed at night and you'll be more likely to feel better in the morning. I wish you the best of luck with your stepmother.

Hey--
I'm so glad you have this forum with contributors from all sides of the question. I believe that we are not biologically set up to handle all these parent switches. That being said, that's the world we live in. I'm a stepmother, stepdaughter and a psychologist.

The nice thing about the step roles is they are self-design. I think the wedding issue has to be put in the past. You did the best you could and it's impossible to satisfy two women with opposite investments.

I'm starting soon as the editor of the stepparenting site and look forward to writing tips for handling being a stepdaughter.