BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Final decision to have or not children

Hi all, I was really undecided about whether to have kids or not...until recently. Instead of torturing myself and feeling guilty for not feeling those "motherly urges", I find myself being *passionate* about NOT wanting kids, and can find a million good reasons not to have them. I cannot yet say with confidence that it is my FINAL decision, but I think it's just a matter of "formality", that is, I know deep down it is final, it's just a question of coming out and say it. I have many reasons to think it is final, the main one being that I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT AND HAPPY. (The fact that my husband seems to think the same helps a lot!) For those women who chose to be childfree, when was the turning point? When did you say, this is it, it's final, I won't have children? What was your MAIN reason for not wanting kids? So far, do you regret your decision? Thank you for sharing.

For me, and other child-free-ers I am sure, it never seemed to be an actual decision I made. It just WAS, you know? I just don't want them. I don't remember ever wanting them.
Now, like you said, I can find a million reasons not to have them. When I was younger I didn't know what those reasons were, I just knew I didn't want them. No regrets here, and every day that passes I am thankful for that 'decision'.

I'm the same....it never occurred to me to want them. As a teenager I was absolutely adamant I didn't want to become a mother, and still today I hold the same opinion, just (hopefully) more articulately.

I'm slightly different to the others, I thought I would have children because I thought that's what people did. However neither my husband nor I found we had any maternal feelings and we made the final decision when I was around 35 (around 7 years ago). Personally my husband and I never had a need or want in our relationship to have a child.

Hi. I am new here and really need some help. Hopefully someone can offer me some advice... I have been married for 8 years and always wanted to have children...until now. Of course, there are many reasons that I have arrived at this decision and I will try to keep it brief. My husband and I got married and I wanted to start having children right away. I was 31 when we got married and I never wanted to be an old mom. My husband felt that we should wait until we could afford kids and so we waited a few years to start trying. When I was 33, we started trying and trying and were unable to conceive. We turned to fertility treatments and went so far as doing IVF two times with no viable pregnancies. If anyone understands infertility treatments, you will know that it is a very difficult process and my husband and I separated for a while because of what we went through. We got back together and worked on the marriage. We separated one other time in 2007 but again we got back together. The last time we were apart I finally came to terms with not having children and went back to school to finish my degree. Flash forward to January 09 and my husband tells me he wants to adopt. He was crushed when I said I didn't want to have children anymore. We have been in counseling and I have been trying to "change" my mind about it, but I am scared. I am scared to lose my husband, but I am also adament about not being in my late fifties when my child is in highschool. Do I follow my heart and hope that I am enough for my husband to be happy or do I let him go so he can meet someone who not only wants children, but may be able to conceive a child? I have talked to family and friends about this, but it is not as if someone can give me the answer I need. It is my decision to make, but I am so torn. I could lose my husband whom I adore, but I really like my life as it is and I look forward to finally starting my career as a Dietician and finding other rewarding experiences as I enter my forties. Sorry, I guess that wasn't so brief after all, but any advice you all can give me would be much appreciated. Thanks! Dawn

Hello Dawn ~ well, it sounds like you are in quite a predicament. You have obviously been through a lot. I don't think 'mother nature' wants you to have children.

It's your body (and your sanity) so please don't let anyone "talk" you into having a child ~ that includes adopting, BTW.

If you 'have a child' for your husband, you may resent him and the child for the rest of your life.

With the paternal instinct that your husband obviously has, he could join the "big brother's association" to fill the void. There are a lot of needy kids out there that desperately need the 'father figure'.

Be strong and don't try to please others. It doesn't work. Think about what would happen if you did adopt, and you and dh split up again ~~ guess who would be left raising the kid ~ the one who really didn't want a kid in the first place.

Please keep us posted. I wish you all the best.

Regards,
cp

on The Childfree life website there is an article written by a girl who was adopted from india by her parents after they had been wishy washy about the descision. It may be a good idea to read that article. Its titled "Children aren't bandaids" It was very interesting to see the perspective of an actual victim. The poor girl went through quite the upbringing, because they had a child via adoption, for the wrong reasons

Andso? ~ that is a great article, and a wonderful 'site'. Thank-you for posting it. I put it on 'my favorites'.

Best regards.
cp

Yip, there's many of us out there isn't there!

[quote=DawnC]...I am also adament about not being in my late fifties when my child is in highschool...[/quote] Dawn, I wish you luck and happiness in whatever you decide. One thing that jumped out at me was..If your hubby's not dead-set on adopting an infant, there are many teens or pre-teens out there that could use a loving family...