i was like the wife in "diary of a mad, black woman." i had no idea he loved someone else. i had met her, heck, i even liked her. but it didn't occur to me that they would fall in love. and when he told me, i tried to do everything i could to deny it. i wouldn't leave. i wouldn't move my stuff out. i did move into the guest room, but only because i would cry all night, and i was ashamed of it. eventually, he and i agreed we would separate, but i would have the house to myself 3 nights a week, and he would have it 3 nights a week. 1 night we'd be there together (without speaking to one another of course). i kept saying i wanted to stay because of the pets, but i think it was really because i wanted something in my life i could still have some sort of control. but it was an awful existence.
finally, she decided enough was enough and moved in. i left the next day. signed a lease on an apartment without ever seeing it first (got lucky and have a great place with a gorgeous view of a nature preserve) and moved out that day. it was so hard though. we'd been married 14 years, and i was NOT ready to give up. but i had to.
and you know what? i'm very happy now. i wasn't worried about finances then. i knew i'd have to start completely over, and i did. i took my paycheck that first month and deposited it in a different account. and that's all i took in the way of money. it was hard, and there were lots of times i worried. but i was out of a situation that was not good for me or for anyone.
when i finally did see "diary of a mad, black woman," i saw myself in that girl. and i realized how pathetic i must have been. i wish i could say i had been stronger and had left the minute he told me, but i tried to stick it out, and i ended up staying a few months trying to get him to "come back to me." those few months almost killed me. i dropped down to 105 pounds and was just a walking skeleton with no soul even.
i remember the day i moved out, and that i was standing at my car putting stuff in the trunk. ex was going to his girl's house to get some of her stuff i think (can't remember where he was going, but i think that was it), and a friend of mine called my cell. i answered it, and it upset ex so much that i was talking to a man (not a romantic relationship at all; trust me). i put my phone back into my pocket (without hanging up) and continued to load my car, and when i put my phone back to my ear after ex left, i could hear my friend on the other end of the line praying. i'll never forget how that made me feel. it gave me so much courage for some reason.
i like to say now that by the grace of God, i am a strong, courageous, trusting, happy woman. sometimes i need to work to believe it, but that's what i want to be.
Last edited by holles; 03/07/09 12:19 AM.