BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting I hate my stepdaughter!

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Tuey, I'm sorry. You sound like you are really hurting. And quite honestly I don't believe you hate your step-daughter, because if you did, all this wouldn't bother you so much.

You have the triple dose:
16
stepchild
daughter

You are talking raging hormones, that beyond annoying child/adult thing (because they cn't decie which they want to be yet deep down), and divided loyalties. She can't take it out on Mom and Dad - so who gets it? Yep. You are the safest target, because it is not going to hurt her so much if she alienates you.

The best thing I can think of to do is to be as "numb" as you can when dealing with her. This is going to sound kind of crazy, but treat her the way you would a bully or a preschooler throwing a tantrum, calmly. Not necessarily ignoring her, but never rising to the bait. You are going to get angry, but don't let her see it - go scream into a pillow, get a punching bag, take up running or yoga.

She is trying to push your buttons. If she sees that she cannot get to you, then she might start to settle down some.

I wish I could offer you guarantees, but that's the problem with kids - they change!

Hang in there.

Find something that will help you destress

Thanks for your quick reply. I know that making that statemet would shock a few people, but that is how I really feel inside. I am not good with confrontation, I am quite a closed intraspective person and I do not trust easily. There have been so many times where either me or my partner have been played off against her mother. Of coulrse the mum loves to hear negative stuff about us - particularly about me and feeds it, however, after so many years, and after previously telling her how this makes me feel, she keeps doing it. Usually after she has been told she cant have or do something (which is rare because she IS spoilt!). I am seriously twisted now. I can't look at her when she talks to me, I'm not intersted in what she has to say and I leave the room rather than be left alone with her. I wasn't like this before - I feel I am going mad, but whilst I do, she is thriving and fooling people. How paranoid am I??! Because of the way she is, I know she is going to be hugely successful in whatever she does, however, I think her relationships are going to be stormy because of her selfishness. I am pleased for her, but this is tinged with something else, because I hate the way she gets what she wants, often through lying or acting. I dread to think what she might be saying about me to her mum and friends, and the thought is making me worse in the way I act.

Tuey: You may not be competing with her, but she is definitely competing with you. "She is a great attention seeker, either through creating unnecessary drama, talking loudly about nothing, or just constantly changing subjects back onto her." "She does all the cutting me out of the conversation, grabbing her dads hand, even standing in front of me when talking to people, but I dont react - i just walk away. (But I am seething!!!)"

You don't say how old your sons are, and you don't mention how much individual time each child gets with each parent - not just you with your children, but your partner with your children and you with his children. You don't say how the boys get along with your partner, and if they're buddy-buddy or not. Sometimes teens do things for the same reasons adults do them; she's "a great attention seeker." Maybe that means she needs some specific kinds of attention, from your partner and from you. Walking away doesn't help you or her. "He drew a circle that shut me out Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout But love and I had the wit to win; We drew a circle that took him in." - Edwin Markham

Divorce and re-partnering can really freak kids out; they see people leaving, and they understand they can be left, too. "Partnering" is something they can see as temporary, since it leaves an easy out for the partners, and her mother's behavior and changes are not calculated to make her feel secure. Maybe the fears she had in the beginning have become ingrained, and she is suffering anxiety - a physical problem, remember - and engages in this habitual behavior now. Grouping, nesting, focus center, etc., are all expressions of behavior in traumatized children - and adults. You "never felt comfortable" around her, and she probably recognized your discomfort - and heaven knows what ideas she got from it, but probably nothing that induced security. So she gathers her friends; constantly seeks attention; and attacks [sometimes subtly] her source of unease.

Kids have a weird way of taking blame and fear from changes in their adults' worlds. And I'm sure you know what happens. Just like adults do, they become defensive, but they don't think it out. There are some good books out there on children, divorce, grief, etc., and I think it would help if you took a look at them. You need to know exactly where she is, before you can begin to move her along.

Also, I see your frustration, anger, and pain in this; it can't help you to feel like a good parent when you're on the receiving end, and you can't seem to find a way through this difficult patch. You have become sensitized to her behavior, just like some people become sensitized - and allergic - to bee stings. But the only way to change her behavior is to change your behavior - and your attitude, once you get down to the nitty-gritty on both of you. Pick a start-over point, and get some counseling if it will help you. Then use your people and marketing skills to move both of you to a new place in this relationship. Figure out what her needs are and make sure they are met; then you won't feel so bad, and her behavior will improve.

Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon did a great film about stepparenting in 1998-9, and it's rentable. STEPMOM gives some insight that might be helpful, at least in management, although her opposite number, the ex- might not be as virulent as yours seems to be. Good luck, and good parenting!

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Everyone here has offered great advice, here's mine, short and sweet.

You're not required to like her, love her, or anything. You are only required to be decent to her, which you are. She is also not required to love you, like you or anything but she should be required to behave respectfully towards you as an adult in her life.

The husband and the wife have to form a united front for the sake of the children, and the sake of the marriage which should always be first, before the kids.

Can you and your husband get some counseling to help you do this. Once you and he become more united, NOT picking out things with each other's kids, and competing in that way, you'll find you have a lot more harmony within the family unit, even if everyone doesn't like each other.

These kids are all going to be grown and gone and some point but you and your husband will be alone, and that is why that relationship must be first.

Best to you and yours.

Hi Tuey- my take is a little different. I think she is screaming out for love- thats why she threatens to go live with her mom. Ever hear the saying - even negative attention is still attention? Same thing - I think you should sit down and talk to her. Tell her you would like for the two of you to have a better relationship and have really come to care about her- make yourself an ally. We spend too much time trying to figure out how to deal with difficult behaviors- the best way is to work with them rather than against them.

Hi Tuey, Sorry, this is going to be long but I had to get on my soap box regarding this issue. I hope this will help. I to have a stepdaughter (almost 15). I have been on so many sites regarding issues with blended families and the one true thing I have discovered are most biological parents are WIMPS. Before everyone wants to criticize me regarding this issue I need to inform you I have (4) biological children of my own. I have (2) girls and (2) boys age ranging from 9 years to 25 years old. Most of my older kid's lives I was a single mom. I have worked no more than (3) jobs at a time and no less than approx. 15 to 16 hour days at least 6 days a week for years. Then I remarried current hubby and only worked one full time job and went to college at night where I maintained a 4.0 GPA, I was named to the Dean's list twice in less than a 2 year time frame and was even called to the Dean's office to be commended for my academic success, my leadership and guidance with my peers. I also have (4) biological grandchildren and have taken care of a multitude of other children most of my life. I have actively sought out other avenues over the years on how to be a better parent. By the way I am only 44 years old. I was not trying to ring my own bell. I just wanted to make everyone aware if I had not been brought up to be disciplined, to respect my elders and to not question authority I could not have done the things I have written of here. Because you see I passed these traits on to my children making it possible for me to move forward. Unfortunately, this day and age every "excuse" is acceptable for a child to misbehave and be disrespectful. We had to face consequences if we were bad especially to an adult. My kid's did not give me excuses. Did I feel guilty or heartbroken about what my older kids missed out on? Absolutely! But does that give them the right to be rude, obnoxious or down right mean to other people? Absolutely NOT! I did not grow up in the best enviroment in the world but am I a product of my enviroment or am I accountable for my own actions and can I choose my own path? I think you know the answer here. Back to the stepdaughter issue. I needed everyone to see I do know what I am talking about even if you do not agree. As I said I have a SD she is almost 15. She has lived with us since she has been 8. I believe all kids are created equal. I treated her with as much love, kindness and generosity as I did my own kids. I made no difference in anyway other than trying to enforce any type of disciplinary actions. Even though her mom basically dropped completely out of her life by the time she was approx. 10 or 11 except for an occasional phone call or visit she still was not that big of a figure in her life. Her dad, my hubby, even though he lives under the same roof might as well be on Mars. Needless to say I would not use the term parent to describe either. I have raised my SD from 8 years old until now. There is alot to be said about formative years. (SD did not have any real positive influences or structure). My mother-in-law thanked me for what I had done for my SD. This child for a lack of a better word was a "brat". No, she was not crying out for love she got that in abundance with mommy and daddy. She was an only child. Her grandparents spoiled her beyond belief. I have never hated a kid before in my life but I hated her. If she didn't get her way when she came to live with us trust me she made daddy pay attention and everyone around her paid for it. Then he and I would end up in an argument. He thought I was suppose to cater to her every whim. She was (still is) a very mean and abusive individual. From 8 years old through 11 years old I did everything in my power to get this child in control. I was the adult. I nurtured, I loved, I gave patience even when I had none. I went through all the arguements with my hubby regarding this child and trust me these were not pretty. Yes, I could have left and I may still but I thought SD deserved someone to fight for her. Well, long story short, I took her to all the doctors, dentist, ortho, school appointments, etc. I've been the one to help with homework, friend outings, overnight parties, you get the picture she got to do these things because I made sure they happened. I did not over indulge this child she had to earn her right to do this stuff. This still has not been an easy road. I had to do it alone even with bio dad under the same roof. He constantly undermined my authority to my SD. He has a double standard for our daughters. My 9 year old cannot make a mistake or he is all over her. Before he says anything to his daughter, my SD, he will leave the room or just ignore it. His only contribution was to take SD's side on everything and you got it excuse her bad behavior. Bottom line is her mom moved back last summer within 5 miles of our home. SD's formative years were all about getting what you want no matter what. Guess what all these years neither bio parent or grandparent has every demanded respect. They have given her everything and now that mom is close you should see how she plays/manipulates and lies to everyone to get what she wants. She basically has stopped communicating with me completely because she knows I know what she is doing. So do I think she is crying out for love? Not on your life. She knows exactly what she is doing and guess what it is working with them. I've seen the little notes she passes to her friends about getting what she wants even if she has to cry. Tuey, believe me, your SD is playing everyone that will allow her. Don't give her that power. Don't feel guilty because you think society will view you as some kind of a monster you are not. Liberal and lazy parenting is turning out a society full of monsters with excuses. Go to a few schools see what is in attendence especially high schools. Look at all the school shootings or violence. Yea, I know poor little things were not loved...they have cars, computers, ipods, swank homes, money to burn, never been held accountable for anything....yea looks like hate to me. Candy coat it however you want the only thing wrong with most, not all, of these kids is they are the product of the "ME" society. They have this overwhelming sense of entitlement and they will get what they want no matter what. Parents need to take the power back. Parents and professionals need to stop making excuses for bad behavior and disrespect. Trust me I have been every age from birth to 44. At 13, 14, 15 etc. when I had my own little pity party (silently of course) looking back did I feel unloved? NO! Did I feel like my parents were being mean to me? NO! Even if I did feel slighted for what ever reason it never gave me the right to be a lying, manipulative, disrespectful brat. I knew, just like these kids do, what was going on, but I was held accountable for my actions. These kids today are not! Trust me all kids go through stages of feeling alienated but it is your duty as a parent to be a parent first then a friend when your child has grown to an adult. Loving should not have to hurt anyone but what is going on with parents today is children rule. One more thing. I am sick of hearing, no matter what age, "well they are just kids". Get real even dogs are taught obedience and they don't hate us they love us.

Tuey - I definitely don't judge you for sharing your feelings. I understand completely. While I may not be able to offer advice, it may help you to know that you are not alone. My situation is very similar to yours in that I am a somewhat introverted person, with a very dramatic, outspoken 13 year-old stepdaughter who just loves to be the center of attention. I feel that part of my resentment towards her lies in the fact that as a child I did not try to draw attention to myself, but did want attention from my father. My SD does everything she can to get my husband's attention, and she does it successfully. Also, I have never been drawn to people like her, so it goes beyond just a step-parent issue. It's a personality issue. I don't think there is any solution. My husband and I have two young children and I am committed to not letting them become stepchildren in the future. I hope the situation with SD gets better. Please let me know if you find anything that works for you. Good luck.

Tuey, I agree with Stephanie. Step-daughters come into a new family group with the feeling that they now have strong competition for their father's love - another woman is now in the picture and the SD is usually feeling a little shoved aside before she even finds out what the new 'Mom' is like.

It is not easy for the step-mom to step into this role. I truly hope all works out well. It will take time, maybe longer than you think, but, some day it will be ok - maybe not ever perfect, but acceptable and respectable.

Best wishes to you.

AMEN SISTER!!!! You hit it dead bang...I will say however, that Stephanie's suggestion is/wld be my first attempt at rectification. After having tried that, honesty is the best policy, and I am not against a dose of tough love. My story is identical to yours with the exception that my SD is actually a SS. He is only 10 and his manipulation is quiet and subtle. Yet his attitude is stark and fierce...He plays the sweet innocent role all to well when it is needed. My take with him initially was to befriend, with an understanding of the respect I deserved. The first year was better than expected. Then when I new it was long term and for life...I slowly began the transition. Its been 5 years and only until the talks of him moving in with us were looking to be more realistic, did he begin this defiant path. He moved in with us full time coming up a year ago. Prior to that he was in our home at least 50 % of a month between weekends and extra time his mother was passing up to, shall we say..."cater to her social life" to put it mildly. Point being, in the time preceding his move in, he well new the routine and expectations of our house ("Ours" being My 2 kids, my hubby, our 8 month old and myself). Over the past 5 months things have increasingly grew in animosity. 1 fight a month turned 1 fight every couple weeks, to every week, to every day to 3 times a day. The topic was always his son and his defiance and his disrespect. I saw into him (SS) like nothing he ever knew possible and it has scared him. I agree with You TLC 509, kids are no longer taught accountability. Or respect for others, they don't even think befoer they speak or do. Now a days people are to scared to discipline their children or to be remotely honest with them about there actions and reactions, only because society has turned it into this evil action. They have actually created the perspective that good parenting is equivalent the acts of criminals. I think the law has been so miscued in so many situations that we now have began to believe it's justifiable. To think I am only 31 yrs old. It's unfortunate to think that tomorrows leaders are not the product of the time when integrity and honesty were not more important than political correctness or greed. It sincerely concerns me that this is how we think we need to parent. If I'm 31...it REALLY was not that long ago when parenting still had a place in the home. Only the past 15 years have taken the gradual decline. We went from parents having a presence to the parents being nothing more than bi-standing babysitters. I'll tell you, now that my children ( all 4 of them 12, 10, 7 and 8 months + 2 nieces and a nephew)will know their place, their role and the proper way to conduct them selfs..they will also know self respect and worth and they will know they are loved. All while knowing full well that if they cross me...LOL! I am a mother and wife first and I love my family more than anything. I give my self everyday, I sacrifice my shower, I eat my dinner cold and last happily, I function off of 4 hours of sleep proudly and I live in my kitchen 6-8 hours a day because knowing my babies bellies are full of home cooked non-prefabbed food is ONE OF the rewards I wake everyday for. But I will not be undermined, question, back talked to, or lowered in superiority for anyone who is not either an adult or coming of age. I ensure my kids know their role while knowing they are loved. I am fair and equal across the board, weather the child is his mine or ours... Needless to say Tuey, try and find a happy medium, as ironic and condescending as that may sound. I know it's not easy, but try not to let the competition to continue, I agree that you shouldn't let her see she is getting to you in any way. Dr. Phil said it best " never let them win" if you're going to pick a battle with a child, be sure it's a battle you can surely beat them at" OR they will they will continue to make efforts at the fight. One taste of defeat makes them hungry for more. Same is true with consistency and discipline. Don't make threats make promises. Most of all - Hang in there talk it out with who ever will listen. If possible see a professional. It may help to get some coping mechanisms and some venting time. An objective perspective, or just a fresh perspective should always be welcomed in any form...even just keeping in touch here could prove beneficial. Maybe help you keep some emotional buffer form you and home. I empathize and I will check back regularly to see where you're at with this. I'd love to know what has worked for people.

Tuey, You are a woman after my own heart! I have been searching and searching for a website or something on the web that could help me with my problem at home. I thought I was alone. I thought I was crazy (maybe I am). I thought I was terrible, but I found this! Now to your SD. I too am in your boat. My husband's Ex is a terrible excuse for a woman, mother, friend...well, you get the picture. She's young and stupid. My SD is alot like her. She's only 9 now, but has been raised with her Mom. My Husband, like a couple of yours, takes his Daughter's side on everything. My two Daughters get ridden to make sure their room stays clean, don't do this, they shouldn't to that, but his kid comes over and doesn't have the rules and regulations but ALL the priveledges! It makes me furious. We have an 8 month old together which keeps me busy, but my SD has to have full attention, she's a master munipulator, she's smart but plays dumb and plays her Dad like a fiddle. He feels sorry for her because of the way her Mom is so he caters to her. I on the other hand make her act responsible and I make her act right. My kids are good kids. They are proof that I must be doing things mostly right. His daughter is the opposite of them... well, you get what that means. She is not only a product of her environment but also a product of screwed up Genes. So, Tuey, you poor woman. I'm so sorry you have to live in rage daily. I'm sorry you hate waking up and only find refuge in the confines of your room (or wherever your SD isn't), but I assure you, I'm with you and from the sounds of it so are some other people. Rest assure this too shall pass.... someday. Everyday I live to it's fullest and then when my SD's weekend comes around I'm tense and stressed and cranky and my kids know why. I guess what I am doing is telling myself that seeing how my kids are and how my SD is I must be doing a good job as a Mother. I think about the future of my kid's and my SD and feel confident that my kids will be liked, respected and they will amount to alot in life, not because of money, but because they will be rich at heart. I can take pride in that feeling. My SD (if she continues down her path) will be just the opposite and hopefully will pay the price eventually. I guess it's really mean to think about and judge me if you must but I can't help what's not in my power. I have to respect my Husband and his relationship with his kid but I don't have to nurture her behavior or the person I see deep in her. I have to just wait it out. Maybe you have to also? I hope this helps you and WOW this feels good to finally get out! THANK YOU!

Tuey: I am mother [u]to [/u]6. I am divorced with 3 daughters of my own (16,17,19) and in a live-in situation with a man who has 3 sons of his own (22,20,17). I too battle the "step-mom" role every day. In my situation, my significant other has recently begun to travel alot for his job, so I am left to deal with all of these children on my own without him being available to reinforce me. His being on the road makes it very easy for him to be manipulated by his own children, because he is never privy to the "real" story, only what he hears over the phone. He and I have many your children/my children arguments. His 17 year old son has been challenging me directly for the past few months and attempting to make my life miserable--in fact, he is trying to convince his father to leave me. This kid knows exactly what he is doing and he is doing it intentionally. Bear in mind that he is the problem [u]this [/u]week, last week the problem was one of my daughters directly challenging my significant other. She knew exactly what she was doing and she was doing it intentionally. We have been in our relationship and shared the parenting of these children for about 3 years. I believe that we are each more accepting of our own children that we are of each others, perhaps that comes from the longer bond and familiarity with them. A few things that I find have worked when one his children decides to puff up and be disrespectful to me the non-biological parent are: 1) Initially I try to ignore it. Sometimes not giving them the attention that they are seeking diffuses the situation by itself. When they are not rewarded (by bad attention) they have to come in closer to see why and what is going on and try to formulate a new approach to attack. If you as the adult can view it this way, it can be almost amusing to watch them in action. As a nonbiological parent you will always be under attack. They hate to love us and love to hate us. [Just keep in mind that when it comes down to brass tacks, they probably will call you in an emergency before they call their own parents because they do come to understand that they can rely on you. It is just safer for them to vent their teenage angst on you then it is to vent it on their own parents. They would not get away with treating their own parent that way and they know it. Sometimes it is almost a game for them to see just how much power they can have. Try not to let them see you sweat, even if you are.] 2) If they begin to scream and swear (which teens do), I try to keep myself in check and respond calmly and quietly. It infuriates them that you will not engage and they have to stop and listen to hear what you are saying if you will not raise YOUR voice. 3) When it becomes a pattern of daily hits (like you are describing and I have endured) I pull out this phrase "I feel that is not my responsibility." This has 2 parts. The first part is that I use this phrase directly with the offending child when they ask me to do something for them. It goes like this...they set me up with their father through some manipulation and or reiterate to me that "you are not my mom"...but then inevitably they have to ask me to give them a ride, make them a meal, listen to their woes or whatever they are seeking from me and then I pull out "I feel that is not my responsibility." Often I will follow that with "I would really like to be able to help you out, but you have made it clear to me that I am not your parent and you do not respect me as an adult, therefore it is not fair for you to ask me to do for you so I am going to have to say NO to you at this time. This generally leaves them stupified at first, but then they begin to realize what you do for them and they come around [fair warning there is usually about 2 weeks of constant attack until they decide you are not going to budge on this before they do come around, but in the end it IS worth it to have the peace restored]. The second part to this is using it on my significant other. When the kids complain/tattle to him of this "injustice" (and they will). It gives me the opportunity to point out to him that if he is not going to back my decision on whatever subject with his child, then he has relieved me of the responsibility of the parenting role and taken it upon himself. I point out to him that these are his children, that I am willing to help him IF AND WHEN HE WILL ALLOW me to. This always leaves him initially stupified too, but eventually because he is not as available to be on the first line (performing all of the "favors" for this child" or making arrangements for someone else to perform them), he usually sees the logic and sets the child straight. Just an aside, he has learned to do this to my children too. The benefit is that all of the kids have begun to see who does what for them and they know that they don't want to lose the support of either of us, because it is very uncomfortable for them when one of us just stops being responsible to/for them. It teaches them not to bite the hand that feeds them, so to speak and makes them realize that there is a reaction for each of their actions. It also lets the child know that you don't have to put up with their [censored], in a constructive way. Don't let this kid hold you hostage in your own home. You are the adult. It is a war, but you CAN and WILL win it if you use guerilla warfare! Good Luck!

I cant believe you wrote this. This is my life to a T. I too have a stepdaughter, however no children of my own. I have helped raise her for 14 years and have had the same problem. She is a textbook Sociopath (look it up, trust me). I was finally at the point when she started hitting me that I had enough. I told my husband she had to leave or I would. I never expected him to "pick sides" since I am an adult, and his wife. I just wanted respect. I hated to go home. He told his ex she had to move in with him since we could not handle her anymore (she started treating her father the same way she treated me) His ex wanted him to "move in" with her and his daughter and Co-parent her. I couldn't believe it. He told his ex he wouldn't do that and his ex said he is "picking sides" It's been a month and his daughter has not picked up the phone to call either of us. I dont care either. Life is so much happier now that she is gone. Hopefully, your husband will come to his senses and make her move in with her mother. You will see the stress level diminish in your home greatly. Good luck

My 17 yr old son has Asperger's and so we see a psychiatrist on a regular basis.

Normally we do not have a big issue with him and my husband, but last week they did have a HUGE blowout. My son tried to pull the "You're not my real dad" thing on hubby.

My husband and I always stand together publicly, and if we disagree about something we will talk about it afterwards privately (my husband was raised in a strict military home and has a little difficulty "bending" with the autism sometimes - but usually he is amazing!)

But at our last psychiatrist appt, it was just my son and I that got to go - so I brought up the argument and mentioned what my son said. The psychiatrist looked my son straight in the eye and said - "that doesn't fly. He may not be your biological father, but he is the man that has taken care of you most of your life."

I have been very tempted at times to disagree with my husband over a punishment or how strict he is - but I know how imprtant it is to present a "united front". It has made a huge difference in how my children from my first marriage treat my husband.

"Offthegrid" - you say your daughter is a sociopath, I wonder if she has something similar to my son's Asperger's? His emotions at times are very robotic and distanced, and he has a hard time relating to the world. He has had to learn how to emotionally connect with people, and it still doesn't always come out right. I wonder if your step-daughter needs some type of psychatric testing and help. The idea for you and your husband to move in with his ex is crazy, but he will always be a co-parent - because he is the parent.

I have tried the ignor it dont bite back tactic for the last few years and it has got me nowhere. I am now if my stepdaughter ever speaks to me again going to start voicing my opinions regarding her behaviour and letting her know it's not acceptable anymore enough is enough. If you dont the only person getting screwed up is you she's getting exactly what she wants. You are arguing with your husband over this anyway and if you argue over the dicipline you now give so what he also needs to be re-educated in how to handle her. I have a 23 year old stepdaughter who is making my life a misery and has done for the lasst 5 years because I've just ignored it and not stood up to her but not anymore she's going to get exactly what she dishes out from now on and just maybe I can feel better about myself that way knowing I'm not living a lie and being a doormat. I have like you screwed myself up with the bad feelings I've had towards her but I wont let her do it anymore she doesn't seem to care who she walks on or upsets so why should you. Lets both see if a different tactic works xxxxx

My stepdaughter drives both me and my husband insane. It's gotten to the point where neither of us want to be around her very long. She is only eight but, she is selfish, incredibly needy, bossy, and just plain evil most of the time. On the surface she seems very sweet but, when you are around her very long you see her true side. She constantly wants to be the center of everyone's attention. When we aren't paying attention to her she buts in and interupts us. Her teachers at school think she is adorable and sweet. If they only knew the truth.... She is always lying and not just about small things like little kids do. Around Easter she asked if she could go to church with one of her friends. We told her she could go but, she needed to call us from her friends house to see if it was alright with her friends mother. We live in a small apartment complex and we often let her walk to her friends apartments by herself. A while after she left she called me and said "Alisha's mom said it was alright if I went with them so can I go to the church?" I naturally said yes. Later she came home after going to the Easter party and I asked her questions about what happened. Somehow or another I found out that she had not gone to the church with her friend or friend's mom. She (an eight year old) walked to the church which is several blocks away from the apartments by herself!!!! She then called me from the church and pretended she was at her friends house. What kind of child lies like that? She manipulates everyone around her. She treats her grandmother like garbage. Her grandma is one of the sweetest people I know but, she is mean to her. Once when she went to her grandma's she wouldn't say hi to her or hug her. She just sat and watched t.v. the entire time she was there. I always try to treat my stepdaughter with respect. I try to treat her kindly but, anymore I can't stand to even hear her voice. I feel as though she is ruining my life. My husband and I have changed our entire way of life to accomodate her. When I first met my husband he didn't have custody of his daughter but now he does. Neither one of us wanted to have custody of her but, the situation with her mother was so bad we felt it would be best for her safety. Her mother is a dead beat drug addict with three kids by three different fathers. She is almost always in jail for stealing and I can see her charachteristics in her daughter. Her daughter is a spitting image of her. When my husband isn't around she tries to boss me around and tries to put me down. She tries to intimidate me and even puts down the way I look on occasion. I am an attractive woman but, it still hurts me and makes me feel self concious to hear such things. Sometimes she will say things about my age as I am young and her father is older. She will say things like "You aren't an adult." I just want to smack her sometimes. We have punished her and tried to set her straight but, I honestly think she doesn't have a concious. She seems to only care about herself. My husband is a little more optomistic and thinks she will change but I feel like she'll only get worse. We do have some nice times together but then, she goes and spoils it. I don't know what to do. I wish her mom would straighten up and take her back but, that will never happen. We have tried everything, talking to her and she even sees a councler and school but her attitude hasn't improved that much. I wish I knew what to do.

2good2bforgotten -

Your step daughter sounds like she needs some professional help. I'm curious what sort of relationship she has with her mother, and whether she's been abused, or if there is parental alienation involved in this situation.

Some of the things coming out of her mouth likely come from her mother or another adult, not her own thoughts, but at 8 they can seem to come from her as she is good at mimicking at that age.

Please consider getting your SD counseling. She is only 8 and doesn't deserve to be hated or treated badly. I know you aren't doing it on purpose, but when both of you hate being around her, children pick up on this vibe and it will cause so many problems in her life (and yours) later.

Sometimes for the sake of a child, we have to "fake it" until we make it. She's eight, she has no real knowledge of the world, please hug her, and treat her as if you love her, maybe she will come around.

ps. School counselors aren't trained in many problems to do with Divorce. Try to find someone who understands what happens to children of divorce or who have two homes.

Her mother is a really troubled person and is addicted to drugs. I know her life with her mother has been horrible but her attitude wears me out. We have talked with her many times about her behavior. She told us that she likes making people feel bad. She treats all of her family with disrespect, not just me. Her grandmother told me that she didn't like having her around because she is always poking fun at her for sounding strange when she speaks. Her grandmother is on a lot of medication that makes her speach slurred and it hurts her deeply when he grandaughter makes fun of her. We always try to treat her with respect. I never try to treat her differently then I would my own child. I treat her like gold but all I get back is dirt. She acted this way even when she first arrived and we were happy to have her with us. We have also sent her to the school counsler and nothing has improved. She is getting worse as time goes on and it seems all we can do is keep punishing her. This doesn't affect her in any way. She seems to feel no remorse for hurting her grandma or me. I don't know what to do.

A couple of things you said really caught my attention:

"She doesn't seem to have a conscience"
"She seems to feel no remorse"

These comments make me wonder about a true psychological disorder, not just a behavior problem. You said her mother is a truly troubled person and addicted to drugs. Many, many mental disorders are hereditary and/or can be caused by the mother being on drugs while pregnant.

My oldest son has Asperger's, a type of high functioning Autism. At times he very much seems to have no remorse for things he does wrong. He does not naturally feel remorse - but he can be made aware of what he has done wrong and why it is wrong. On the other hand he does not ever take pleasure in making people hurt. It is more that he doesn't ever think about other people. He has the emotional and social awareness of a young child. The world revolves around him, anything he does only applies to him, and other people are incidental.

If your step-daughter actually enjoys making other people hurt or feel bad, then it may be something along the lines of Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy and psychopathy are loosley related to this).

Here's a link to read about it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder

This little girl may need serious help. It may not just be that it is punishment, or that she doesn't like you. It may be worth it to take her to a psychiatrist or diagnostic or pediatric psychologist.

I HATE people like that. She needs a good kick in the @ss. Yes, I agree, she has mental problems, making fun of her own Grandmother. That's just the lowest.

I do not think that any 8 yr old child ever deserves a kick in the ___.

My point is that she might have a legitimate mental health issue that is not completely under her control. If this is the case, then punishments will not make any difference until proper treatment is sought.

OH, she's 8 and she acts like this?? I thought she was like 15. That's the image I had in my head. I meant that figuratively. I meant like she needs to be snapped into reality. HER reality isn't what everyone or at least most people's is. Who goes around intentionally TRYING to hurt people? This is unacceptable behaviour. Not only towards her family but to anyone.

You do know that kids only get worse if not corrected. Ever heard of Boot Camp for kids? These are exactly the kinds of things kids are sent there for. To learn respect, consideration for others, responsibility etc. All the things she seems to be lacking. And once she hits her teens if this goes unchecked, it's only going to get worse.

She can't be punishing everyone she comes in contact with for her problems.

Thanks for your responses. We are going to try and get her into some psychiatry sessions. We can't afford it yet but we hope that when she does go they may help her. Her mother has psychological issues as well. She takes a lot after her mother. I also think her mom most likely was on a lot of drugs when she was pregnant with her. I have felt for a long time that maybe my stepdaughter is slightly sociopathic. I would like to get some answers from a psychiatrist. We have sent her to stay with her mother for most of the summer as she has put a great strain on us. We just need a break for a while. Her mothers isn't a safe place for her but, it's gotten to the point where we feel nothing but misery around her.

We have thought of sending her to military school but, honestly I don't think it will effect her. We've tried everything but she only seems to get worse. My husband thinks she'll get better but to me it seems like something she'll have to deal with all her life. We've tried being hard on her, easy on her. We've tried spending a lot of time talking about it with her but nothing has helped. It's not only her attitude towards others that bothers us but, when we try to help teach her things she gets really upset. She seems to think she knows everything and there isn't anything she should have to change to get better. We tried teaching her baseball and she cried her eyes out because we were trying to teach her to correctly catch things. I've tried to bond with her over making artwork because I am a professional artist but, she doesn't want to hear my advice. She gets really cocky whenever she does anything and sometimes she'll watch me paint and say "I could do that." I know part of her resentment towards me is because she is jealous of me. She is jealous of the way I look and my talents. But most of it has to do with deeper psychological issues.

Sorry, Navigaar - I just get a little defensive when I hear things like that. My oldest son has Asperger's - a type of high functioning autism, and when he was around the age of 8 he woould pitch terrible rage filled tantrums. I would get comments like "if he were my son, I'd beat his butt", or "I'd never let him get away with behavior like that".

The thing that these other perfect parents did not know is that I did discipline my child - but that in a child with autism (especially) spanking does not work. The child does not understand at all that this is punishment for the behavior that he just committed. Instead Michael would hit me back, and it would literally turn into a slapping fight. We had to totally rethink discipline from the way I was brought up.

I just read about this little girl, and I see a lot of Michael in the situation. It is not exactly the same, but there are a lot of similarties. Many psychological disorders ARE inherited. I suffer from Bi-Polar, and Michael does as well. Children that have depression often do not show depression like we think of it - they don't seem "sad" - instead they act out.

Most psychiatrists will be covered at least partially by your health insurance, because they are medical doctors. And many will work with you on the balance on a sliding scale according to your income. Many counselors and therapists work on sliding scales as well.

Especially when school starts back - talk with your daughter's school counselor and see if he/she has some recommendations. Most schools keep a list of private therapists in the area to refer parents to for more extensive therapy.

It is so hard to deal with this - I know, I have been there. But she is only 8, there is still time for her to get help and change. Don't give up on her.

Michelle

Thank you for that useful post. I too tired of people suggesting I discipline my ADHD daughter. I even had someone suggest once that I should be making her "black and blue" with my belt... with biblical quotes.

Thank you again for your posts. We don't have health insurance right now as my husband is currently unemployed. Do you think they might do some psychological tests on her first or should we ask for them. I saw a therapist myself when I was a teenager because I was dealing with extreme social anxiety disorder. She didn't give me any sort of tests but i've often heard of children having to take them.

Well said. I too have an obnoxious stepdaughter that I could not possibly hate more. She is mean, nasty, greedy and ungrateful. At the age of 27 she defines herself as a Princess and thinks everyone around her is here to serve. Daddy, my husband will not do anything about her rudness as he is afraid she won't talk to him again. Mummy, the ex wife encourages this woman to demand things from daddy, and in all fairness to this 27 year old woman, I can honestly say that had mummy and daddy separated when she was young instead of staying together for the sake of the kids, this woman and her siblings would have turned out to be better people. Yesterday was the last straw for me, this woman was in our home with her fiance and had the gall to say to her father that she had a profession unlike him who only had a job. My husband's job supported this girl and her high maintenance wants for 19 years, and paid for 3 years of her University studies. The final year's payment being made to her mother a month after he had left the marriage. This brat failed the final year and is quite angry that she now has an $8,000 student loan to pay off, seems mum didn't bother to pay the final payment to the University and now the brat has been stuck with bill for that year, and of course for the year she had to repeat. She wants dad who is reaching retirement age to use his super money and pay for it. In front of her fiance she told her father that he did nothing for her and she was pretty much a self made woman. Still he should be hapy with that because if he made her the way she is he should be ashamed. Jokes aside, I truly believe that spoling all three of his children rotten, buying their first cars, paying registration and insurance on them, never expecting them to work even part time has made for 3 very selfish adults, and the daughter or should I say Princess one very unlikeable woman who talks about everyone including patients at work (she is a nurse - God help us), she is incapable of saying anything nice about anyone, and openly gloats about people losing jobs and going bankrupt, people who have done nothing to her yet she laughs and smiles happily at their suffering. She is a very bitter woman at the age of 27, I hate to think what she will be like when she is older. She is always on the take and likes to sponge of everyone including her fiance, I hate the way she talks about his Grandmother being near death, and staying alive just to be spiteful, as she wants this woman to move on quickly so she can get some money to help with the building of HER new house. She talks openly about my husband's father dying and when he does, she expects to get his new car, as she is his grand daugher. Doesn't seem to cross her selfish little mind that she is one of 2 grand daughters, and one of 7 grandchildren. She is selfish, spiteful, rude and ungrateful. And at this age, I am sorry, but I have decided she is not a child anymore, she is a grown woman, and she needs to respect other people. Had mum and dad taught her this at a young age and said NO occassionaly I am sure she would be a far nicer person and treat the people around her with respect. Instead she cannot see past the end of her nose for anybody.

So nice to have found this page, SD is doing my head in. My husband is no help whatsoever, he appears to be afraid of her. We have been married for 6 years, together for 8, and as of last weekend - I am not trying anymore. This 27 year old SD has caused me to now look for a solicitor to make a new will, as I cannot trust her not to bully her father into leaving my 3 children out of everything that both he and I have worked hard for. Unfortunately, I know in my heart of hearts, he will do what she wants, even though my 3 children have always respected him, always included him in their lives, and asked him for nothing. Whilst his own daughter did not speak to him for 3 years, then only to ask for a new car. Seeing he was such a soft touch brought her back into our lifes and she has done nothing but want, want, want evry since. Watching my husband's relationship with her is scary, he is a proud man and would not take being put down by anyone especially in his own home, but when it comes to the brat, she makes him look so small, and he smiles and tells me, she was only joking........ For my husband's sake I hope he is not left with this mean nasty parasite in is old age, because in spite of everything, I do love him dearly and the thought of him being left with no one in the world to care for him except this bully concerns me deeply. What is wrong with this generation of young people..................My guess, THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN EVERYTHING THEY ASKED FOR, BUT WERE NEVER TAUGHT SELF DISICPLINE.

I am a young person myself but I agree that people my age are spoiled and it's getting even worse in the younger generations. Kids seem to think their parents are the magical money tree. Before we got custody of my stepdaughter she would occasionally come to stay with us on weekends. She would always expect us to take her someplace special becuase her dad would always induldge her. He wanted to make up for not seeing her that often but, it only turned her into a spoiled brat. She would come over and get upset if we didn't take her somewhere. I told my husband he needed to stop buying her things and thankfully he agreed. She was even proud of being spoiled at one point. We told her "you're turning into a spoiled brat" and she just smiled and said "Uh-huh." This outraged us of course. We started making her do chores to earn money and when she stopped doing her chores right the money ended. Mostly my hunsband and I agree on how to raise his daughter but, I think he is too much of a softy when it comes to her. She use to do the dishes for us but, she never took the time to wash them right and would purposfully rush through them. Of course she still expected to get and allowence even though she was doing a horrible job. We tried to give her a chance to do them right. We would show her time and again how to do them but, when we weren't watching she'd skip washing the rims on the glasses or not washing the entire pot. She left food on everything so finally we took away the allowence. My husband being the soft hearted creature he is wanted to give her a new chore so she could get an allowence but I said if she isn't going to do them right why are we paying her? She obviously isn't old enough or mature enough for chores. It feels good to vent...............

Lassie, I am truly sorry you have to deal with the wicked witch. Your husband is deluded. It is obvious that you love him but, I sense that his daughter is straining your relationship. I hope you can find a way to snap him out of her spell. I feel sorry for your situation as well as my own. We love our husbands but, will be forever trapped in an unhealthy relationship with our stepdaughters. Sometimes I feel like my stepdaughter is truly evil or possed by an unholy demon. Your stepdaughter sounds like mine all grown up. I feel horrible but I dread a future with her. Sometimes I actually have nightmares about her. Even my husband has nightmares about her being evil to me. It has gotten to the point where even the mention of her name puts me in a rotten mood. I hope and pray that she'll end up in her mother's custody again. I can't beleive your stepdaughter is a nurse!!! She sounds like a real [censored]. I hope your kids don't get left out of the will.

Dear Frustrated Stepmothers,
There are a few ways to go with this issue, but I know it's natural and the toughest thing you'll ever have to do.

Two things as starters: This isn't forever. Stepchildren grow up, they really do leave and make their own families.

Also: Forgive yourself at the same time you open to less anxiety-driven behaviors. I know when I became a stepmother it was as if I didn't even know the person I'd become...the kind of person who had these negative thoughts.

So first has to come the love and care of yourself. Second does have to be a re-focus...or you can end up having a very unpleasant marriage. This is not to judge. I used to nastily refer to myself as the "chauffer."

Barbara, you are SO right. Being a step parent isnt' exactly forever, although as the kids grow up, you still have to deal with weddings, babies and all those family things so if you don't have a decent relationship, those events can be a trial for everyone.

BUT the kids do grow up and sometimes they see things differently as they get older and have kids of their own. I fought for years with my one stepdaughter (and as you say, I didn't recognize the person I became during that time either) but now she tells her husband and mother-in-law the most wonderful things about me and how hard it was for me to put up with her. She remembers the good I did and not so much the bad.

Grandchildren are a great healer too. I've very close to my grandchildren and the step daughters all want it that way too.

So time does heal some things and makes the relationships better but you have to learn to forgive-both them and yourself.

I feel your pain!! I have a SD that is so awful. The past couple of years I have become convinced she is truly a narcissist, or a sociopath. She fits the definitions of both. She has no feelings of sympathy, empathy or compassion. I truly don't think she loves anyone but herself, not even her dad, my hubby. He is her security blanket. He supports her financially and he takes all of her abuse. She was 8 when we got married, she is now 20. She still lives at home and told me recently that she has NO plans of EVER moving out, so don't tell me they all eventually leave. Her mom is a bar hopper, going from man to man and basically only saw SD for occasional dinner, etc. But she has always called our home, harassing us. Always told SD she doesn't have to listen to me, told her how mean dad was if he ever tried to discipline her. I was the one feeding her, buying her clothes, taking her to school and sports, planning birthday parties (which Mom did not bother to attend). I never missed a soccer or basketball game. I even had her in the delivery room with me so she would feel included in the birth of my daughter. I loved her like she was mine and tried to do everything and give her everything she didn't get from her real mom. I never said anything bad about her mom, or tried to replace her mom, I tried to be a friend. I always got hatefulness in return. I tried to be the adult and overlook it, giving her the benefit of the doubt. I tried to understand the normal psychology of the changed family, etc. but at some point she should have accepted me and begun to treat me as a friend. She's always treated me as the enemy, that isn't normal. I had always told myself to just hang on until she went to college. Well, she decided to stay at home and go to the very small local college. We are pretty stable financially and she could have gone to ANY school. She will begin her 3rd year of college in a few weeks. She takes the minimum hours, she doesn't work, she doesn't do ANYTING around the house. During the summer she and her boyfriend lay on the couch or out in the pool and make out all day. She has absolutely NO RESPECT for anyone. She treats her dad like dirt, yells at him, has tantrums. When he finally reaches his limit and talks to her the way he should she cries uncontrollably and makes him feel like he is being mean, then he backs down and nothing changes. When he suggested she get a job you would have thought it was the end of the world, she put on such a pitiful show. She treats me with unbridled hatred when dad's not home, then acts like Miss Manners toward me when he's around. I also have a 7yo daughter. SD treats her the same, yells at her or ignores her when dad isn't home, then runs into the playroom and pretends to play with her when she hears his car. She finally stopped back-talking to me a couple of years ago when I told her I had recorded her and was going to play it for dad. There were also a couple of incidences when my little one repeated SD's bad words and dad knew where that came from. I could fill up pages with the unbelievable things this girl has done, she's a master manipulater and liar. Her dad always wants to believe her, I don't think he knows how to deal with the truth. He won't make her leave. He's scared of what kind of trouble she would end up in. I am hoping he encourages her to move out when she graduates fom college in 2 or 3 more years, if I suggest it she will fight to stay. She intentionally puts a strain on our family, and does not intend to stop. She makes no secret that her goal is to split us up or just to hurt me and daughter. Dad just doesnt want to see it. We can't even take trips without her, she starts her "poor little me" act and my husband won't leave her at home. So my daughter is getting cheated out of school breaks because they aren't the same as the college breaks. I could go on and on...Thanks for listening. It helps to vent when there is nothing else.

she has him wrapped around her finger which is sad. i do hope he will remember the other children. maybe you and him need to have a long talk about whats going on. i wish you luck.

i am step mom to a boy and girl. they are both married, and have children . the girl doesn't live near us but the son does, and his wife and i had problems at the beginning, but we have grown to love each other and i love having them over. they have a 6yr old and a 11 month old and she is pregnant, and i am so excited as it may be a boy. the boy is so grown and handsome and she is so beautiful . i am glad i made every effort to get to know her, as she is a lovely person. sometimes you have to make the effort first and good will come out of it.

I am a stepmom too, and it is a relief to hear other women in this situation feeling the same way. I think the thing is not that we really HATE our step-kids, it's that we don't allow ourselves to feel these feelings, and no-one else does either. It is HARD being a step-parent, taking on a child who, in most cases wants nothing to do with you, resents the relationship you have with their dad, and neither of you have any choice about it. Taking care of any child is a lot of work and sacrifice, but with biological children we have the benefit of a bond, no such luck with step kids. Then there is no thanks, not from the kid, their other parent, and the dad usually doesn't realize or appreciate how difficult it can be. On top of all that we don't ever want to admit that we don't like all of this, because then we will feel guilty and like we are not good people. All of this builds up and resentment forms for the kid. The more hurt we feel, the more we resent, the more the kid picks up on it and reflects it back. My 6 year old step-son is more than a handful. I could go on about his behavior, but I probably wouldn't be able to stop. His dad and I have had a rocky relationship, mostly because of parenting issues, and I know this does not help. I also find that a lot of pro advice on step-parenting is not helpful, because it never seems to allow for the step parent to have normal feelings of frustration, or resentment, and it always seems to assume that you and the other parent are able to agree and support each other on everything. I think that reading these posts have helped me more than anything because i suddenly realized that i am not the only stepmom to feel like they hate their stepchild, and i am not the only step-mom who can't agree with their partner about parenting. Just that made me feel better, and better about my SS too. It isn't easy for him either, and I need to remember that.

Hi Everyone Is there a way to write PRIVATE MESSAGES! I would like to respond to some of these posts. Please explain clearly as I am techno challenged. I need SUPPORT for step daughter TROUBLE. I am starting a new business on MONDAY and I am obsessed with my SD! she is now 23 and lives with her MOTHER (thank god) she lived with me for a few years and I have a 7 year old son (almost like KJB). She was wicked as a teen and I tried to "tolerate" it and be kind to her. I do believe that she has a mental illness BPD or NPD because I have known her for 8 years and she still does not like me despite what I try to do for her. She is pleasant and I feel grateful for this. She works for her Father in his medical office only 3 days per week at age 23 and she STILL pays her $1500 per month of "child support" because she is taking ONE class in grad school!! She comes to work at 11am because she cannot "handle" the mornings. My husband and I do have some income but he has NO savings. If he died tomorrow the SD would have no job and no real education. Her mother enables this crazy behavior and she has no money and lives on alimony still after 10 years! It gets weirder: the SD has a 26 year old boyfriend who also lives with his "mommy". They have been dating for 7 years and and they are NOT engaged. He is rude and lives off of my husband and expects things. i am truly NOT kidding that he is paying for BOTH OF THEM to go on a first class trip to DISNEY in 2 weeks. I refuse to go. My 7 year old was given the option and wants to do something wiht me closer to home. My husband showers BOTH of them with trips, clothing, money and does not give a [censored] what I think and has "forbid me" to talk about it. If Dr. Phil saw this he would freak out. My husband is generous with me and my son and he has allowed me to set up a college fund and a separate savings for myself and also to pay off our mortage -t herefore, we are taken care of. What concerns me is the dependence of these two ADULTS and their manipluation. My husband is 61 years old and they do noT care about him. The SD lies about going to grad school simply to get her support "check" from daddy. She has started 3 degrees and will NOT completely anything and the BF will NOT WORK! It is creepy. We have a high functioning medical spa and office and everything thinks it is bizarre - the PINK elephant in the room. She is rude to customers, looks dishevelled and so does the BF. My managers complain about it all fo the time but my husband will NOT stop the MONEY which is the problem. She needs to get a real job and go to grad school and move on. I am sooo angry about how he will not do anything about it and he is draining his own retirement account for these deadbeat moochers - sorry but that is what it is. he is now planning ANOTHER trip with his daughter to california and I was NOT invited. We are on the brink of divorce and it is basically like the 'other woman". He does not see it and he is a NARCISSIST too. I have some good things with my husband and i am still attached to him and frankly, if we divorce I wilL STILL have to deal with her and the BF at events and also his narcissism. It will not solve the problem. I have said NOTHING for the past year and they are blissfully in DENIAL. Our business manager thinks it is crazy and harmful to the two young adults. So does everyone. I know taht people should talk about things in a marriage but most men seem NOT to be able to do so. Should I really just BLOCK IT OUT and let him blow 50K plus on these two per year and go down himself? any ideas!! thanks Sarah

Make a really special meal, and poison the lot of them.....your suppose to laugh now. It's a hard life when you have people making it even worst. You married your husband with baggage but not with this amount. If no one is taking anything you say into account then go, divorce him, tell him you've had enough, let then sort themselves out. When he's old and drawing his pension, these 2 lay-a-bouts can look after him. You go, wipe your hands of them, but if you want to keep seeing your husband, you can! He can visit. Just because you separate doesn't mean you can't " date ". BUT, you don't have the s..t with it.Make him thing long and hard......

Tuey I know just what you're going through. You probably feel like a normal healthy productive moral person when you are dealing with normal life. But face to face with your SD you find yourself reverting back to junior high mean girls attitude. She just brings it out in you right? I have a seven year old SD, I've been in her life since she was a almost two. She constantly reminds me im not her real mother and tells strangers im her stepmother when they assume different. She won't allow affection between her father and me( we've basically stopped trying). She calls her father her husband. He makes matters worse by thinking everything she does is angelic and cute. This little girl is so beyond her years, I caught her masturbating at age 3. It is a constant power struggle, she is sarcastic, talks back, completely ignores and belittles me. There are so many times when I tell myself what a terrible person I am because I hate her so much. But throughout this all with the exception of a couple immature outbursts on my part, I have stayed level and constant with her, I am fair, and as loving as I can be with her. There are days when I know she appreciates this and loves me back..it is always everchanging

I agree 100 percent with everything you wrote. I feel I could have written this myself.

I agree they do grow up and move out. The problem is whenever they want something they manage to visit, sometimes even move in again as adults. You think its hard when they are kids, try adults. Its a never ending struggle.

I could not agree more. Kids today are spoiled. I fear for our future generations. There's a serious lack of compassion, common decency, everyone feels entitled. Kids are not being raised correctly anymore.

"I feel like a spare part in my own home (other than washing, cleaning etc) and feel extremely uncomfortable around her. Its even worse when her friends come round - I am sure I have been badly portrayed to them because of the way they look at me like I have 2 heads. This is getting so bad, I feel paranoid that everyone thinks that I'm an evil person becasue she is so great!" Oh yes I know how that feels. Anyone who judges you has never been in this position. My SS14 has never wanted me around and I had serious doubts about marrying my husband, except he was and is my perfect match in every way - except he had a son. Over the last 8 years not much has changed, except now he is a rude mouthed lazy spoiled teenager. He acts just the way you have described your SD. He gets everything money can buy and a private school education but he doesn't study much or get good marks and doesn't care. I don't think he's read an entire book in his life. He seems to think that when he leaves school money will just fall out of the sky. And yet NO ONE can relate or have any sympathy because they only see his lovely sweet side and I get all the rejection and attitude. In fact I'm pretty sure he spins a tale of how horrible I am to our extended family and they side with him but I never get to air my side of the story. And now I find I just can't stand him because of all the nasty comments and actions over the last few years that I just don't forget about. For example, my specialty is lasagne so when we went to his grandmothers house and she made lasagne he made a point of saying loudly across the table "this is the best lasagne I've ever had" which actually really hurt my feelings and my feelings don't get hurt that easily. I don't want to be 'mean' to him, I don't want to parent him but I have to becasue he lives in our house with our rules and I can't treat my kids one way (I'm strict) and let him do whatever he likes so I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. However I have made it clear that he will be leaving when he's 18. BTW his father is on my side but when he lectures him about his attitude towards me, he just ignores him and my husband isn't good at following up. He takes the easy option.

Having read the stories here, and the great advice, I hope you don't mind if I share my dilemma, I have been married to my husband for almost four years and my stepdaughter who is now 24 years old with a child and partner is THE most spoilt attention seeking obnoxious person I have EVER known, seriously, when my husband and I were first married this brat, (I'm sorry to sound so hateful) was totally "in charge", my husband was living with her in an apartment SHE had chosen, she had the master bedroom with the en suite bathroom , while he was in one of the smaller bedrooms, she knew his bank details, used his bank card whenever she wanted to for whatever she wanted to, and my husband was like a lap dog to her, (he had feelings of guilt for divorcing her mother 10 years previously) and oh boy, did she milk it! to the point that she would lay on her bed in her bedroom watching TV, and would call him on her cell phone to his bedroom, to get her a drink, or a snack, and I walked into this situation, I was in total shock let me tell you, but, I kept my cool realising that was how they did things, ....skip forward three years we had our own place and so did she and her partner...after three years of her constantly calling him at work or at home up to seven times a day, for no particular reason, apart from idle chitchat, even if we were at a restaurant, it didn't matter to her, I have got to the point that I want as little to do with her spiteful, selfish ways as possible, she is bossy to the extreme and her poor child never seems to have a smile on her face, she seems totally domineered by her mothers every whim, before any of you say that I sound like I haven't given this situation the attention I should, I have believe me! I have tried spending time with her, I have made a fuss of her birthdays, I made her wedding cake, and her dress, and I have stood back and let her and her dad have whatever relationship they needed, untill this last Fathers Day, and this is what has brought me to this forum, as I said I made sure she had birthday celebrations and made her feel as cared for by me as I could, I even showered her after the birth of her child! but I have never had a birthday card or anything from her, she always makes a fuss of her "dahdee" on those kind of dates though, so much so that this year,after yet again being ignored that I have Mothers Days and birthdays etc, she came over to our home with the baby, my husband was busy welcoming his brother and his wife as they had arrived 10 minutes earlier,she called us on the house phone (very rare) and I answered it, I gave her instructions of where to turn etc to get to the house, and as she turned the corner I went outside to help her with the baby and things, I mentioned the baby was sleeping, and she told me to "leave her a minute" I said she shouldn't leave her in the car in the heat, it was then that she called OVER MY HEAD to her father (she was only parked 7/10 feet away from our home) to "come help me daddy" and I was left to walk into the house empty handed, there was a neighbour standing outside and as I passed him, he whispered that he had seen what had happened, and to remember that whatever badness a person does to another, comes back to them ten fold! I was shocked (and surprisingly, ashamed) that someone had noticed, my husband seemed a little put out that she had called him while I was standing there willing to help, but, as usual said nothing, the day went as it always does when she is in our home, she took over the day, she changed the baby's full outfits three times, and bathed her, never saying a word about would I mind, or would I like to help or anything, she just thinks our home is hers to do as she pleases, I was glad when she left, so here I am, with this deep seated frustration and almost hatred for this young woman (who is now 24 years old) her attitude is overbearing, and because she is a larger sized person, the whole room seems full when she enters it and speaks in the loud boarish way that she does, the telephone calls have calmed down a lot now, although she still sends photos and videos to her dad while he is at work,I don't even mention it anymore, I am slowly making it clear to my husband that I am quite happy for them to have their relationship,but I don't have to have the same relationship with her, thing is, it still makes me feel almost nausious when I even think about her, and when my husband hands me the phone if she calls his cell, I want to run... but I just take the phone and speak civily untill I can find an excuse to hand it back to him.

Any advice would be really appreciated

ok, so it has been almost a month since I posted my plea for advice, nothing has changed much here, and I don't think anyone has any advice for me on here either, sigh, is it such a bad situation I am in? :(

I'm sorry churnedstomach! I didn't see this because I usually don't post in this forum because I am not a stepparent myself. However, I *am* the marriage editor and can offer you advice about how to strength your marriage in this type of situation.

I only wish that women would realize *before* they jump into a stepparenting role that it is one of the hardest they'll ever face in this lifetime. It takes a great amount of humility, maturity, selflessness and patience. Not many have it.

Of course, there are the lucky few who have beautiful and blessed step-relationships (I know of some.) But the majority calls you to reach deep inside and tap into the core of who you are.

I don't doubt anything you said regarding your stepdaughter. She's sure a piece of work. She's the product of her daddy's indulgence and weak parenting.

You've done due diligence by sending out loving actions and attentions. The problem is that you expect something in return, and with this little attention vampire, she's not one who has been taught to give back or to be considerate of anyone else's feelings but her own.

Even though she is an adult, she still wants to come first in her daddy's life. He still hopes you and she will have a close mother-daughter type relationship. You just want to be married to a man who is a man and not a doormat to his demanding daughter.

I will post more in another post so this won't get too long.

There are certain truths you'll have to face if you want to continue in this relationship with any level of happiness.

1. He will always be her father and will not change the way he treats her. This behavior has been rooted long ago and reinforced over the years. Whether out of guilt or any other dissatisfying reason, he treats her the way he treats her. It may nauseate you, but you'll have to look the other way every time.

2. She will be the way she is. It's not that people can't or don't change, but it takes tremendous incentive to do so, and there is really nothing in the foreseeable future that indicates either she or her father will change their attitudes and behaviors towards each other. There is an old Japanese proverb: "Bend the tree while it is young." She is too old for you to change. If you were there when she were still young and malleable, maybe you had a chance to influence her development, but now...unlikely.

3. If you intend on changing their relationship, the only thing that will change is YOUR relationship with them. You will cause more resentment on her part and doubt and uneasiness on his. You become the bad guy.

4. Be sure to strengthen your marriage. This is the first and best strategic maneuver you can make to keep his daughter from ruining your marriage. Be sure that when he is with you, he is completely satisfied, happy, respected. Be sure that he associates YOU with pleasure and fulfillment so when she comes whining to him, he will associate her with pain and frustration and problems. This is a very important subliminal message to his subconscious mind. He will then prefer to be with you rather than her.

5. Don't go overboard trying to kiss her rear end. She will learn to manipulate you while losing respect for you. Do what is right but nothing more unless you do it out of love. Just don't do it to curry favor.

6. Don't show your upset in front of her. She lives to [censored] you off. Shrug and give your attention to something meaningful to you. This shows your husband that you have a rich, deep and fulfilling life of varied interests and he could have the same if and when he stops truckling to this brat's demands.

7. Instead of falling into her traps (engaging you in games and sillyness), remember that you are the mature adult here. It might feel tiresome to have to deal with her, but don't bother wasting your anger on her. She is a spoiled person who should be pitied because of the sad impact she has on the world around her. Learn to take a deep breath and turn your attention/focus elsewhere when she visits.

8. Remember that you are she are not on opposite sides. She could never fill the role of wife to your husband and you could never be daughter to her father. If his time with her is unpleasant, spend time elsewhere when she does come by. Don't make it obvious but discreetly plan on visiting with friends or engaging in other interests.

9. Don't get angry when she treats your home like hers. She thinks of it as her daddy's, and he will think of his place as the home she will always have.

10. Pat yourself on the back. You've endured quite a lot and have done a lot more than the average stepmom. But now, relax and enjoy your life. And remember to give your husband the respect and love he craves. A father loves to rush to the aid of his child because of the love, adoration and respect that a child showers upon him. Do you do the same for your husband?

It's hard for a stepwife because the biological bond between parent and child is so strong. People don't divorce their children.

Give him what she cannot. And you strengthen your bond with him.

Good luck. It's not easy and only you can say if it is worth it.