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I agree 100 percent with everything you wrote. I feel I could have written this myself.

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I agree they do grow up and move out. The problem is whenever they want something they manage to visit, sometimes even move in again as adults. You think its hard when they are kids, try adults. Its a never ending struggle.

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I could not agree more. Kids today are spoiled. I fear for our future generations. There's a serious lack of compassion, common decency, everyone feels entitled. Kids are not being raised correctly anymore.

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"I feel like a spare part in my own home (other than washing, cleaning etc) and feel extremely uncomfortable around her. Its even worse when her friends come round - I am sure I have been badly portrayed to them because of the way they look at me like I have 2 heads. This is getting so bad, I feel paranoid that everyone thinks that I'm an evil person becasue she is so great!" Oh yes I know how that feels. Anyone who judges you has never been in this position. My SS14 has never wanted me around and I had serious doubts about marrying my husband, except he was and is my perfect match in every way - except he had a son. Over the last 8 years not much has changed, except now he is a rude mouthed lazy spoiled teenager. He acts just the way you have described your SD. He gets everything money can buy and a private school education but he doesn't study much or get good marks and doesn't care. I don't think he's read an entire book in his life. He seems to think that when he leaves school money will just fall out of the sky. And yet NO ONE can relate or have any sympathy because they only see his lovely sweet side and I get all the rejection and attitude. In fact I'm pretty sure he spins a tale of how horrible I am to our extended family and they side with him but I never get to air my side of the story. And now I find I just can't stand him because of all the nasty comments and actions over the last few years that I just don't forget about. For example, my specialty is lasagne so when we went to his grandmothers house and she made lasagne he made a point of saying loudly across the table "this is the best lasagne I've ever had" which actually really hurt my feelings and my feelings don't get hurt that easily. I don't want to be 'mean' to him, I don't want to parent him but I have to becasue he lives in our house with our rules and I can't treat my kids one way (I'm strict) and let him do whatever he likes so I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. However I have made it clear that he will be leaving when he's 18. BTW his father is on my side but when he lectures him about his attitude towards me, he just ignores him and my husband isn't good at following up. He takes the easy option.

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Having read the stories here, and the great advice, I hope you don't mind if I share my dilemma, I have been married to my husband for almost four years and my stepdaughter who is now 24 years old with a child and partner is THE most spoilt attention seeking obnoxious person I have EVER known, seriously, when my husband and I were first married this brat, (I'm sorry to sound so hateful) was totally "in charge", my husband was living with her in an apartment SHE had chosen, she had the master bedroom with the en suite bathroom , while he was in one of the smaller bedrooms, she knew his bank details, used his bank card whenever she wanted to for whatever she wanted to, and my husband was like a lap dog to her, (he had feelings of guilt for divorcing her mother 10 years previously) and oh boy, did she milk it! to the point that she would lay on her bed in her bedroom watching TV, and would call him on her cell phone to his bedroom, to get her a drink, or a snack, and I walked into this situation, I was in total shock let me tell you, but, I kept my cool realising that was how they did things, ....skip forward three years we had our own place and so did she and her partner...after three years of her constantly calling him at work or at home up to seven times a day, for no particular reason, apart from idle chitchat, even if we were at a restaurant, it didn't matter to her, I have got to the point that I want as little to do with her spiteful, selfish ways as possible, she is bossy to the extreme and her poor child never seems to have a smile on her face, she seems totally domineered by her mothers every whim, before any of you say that I sound like I haven't given this situation the attention I should, I have believe me! I have tried spending time with her, I have made a fuss of her birthdays, I made her wedding cake, and her dress, and I have stood back and let her and her dad have whatever relationship they needed, untill this last Fathers Day, and this is what has brought me to this forum, as I said I made sure she had birthday celebrations and made her feel as cared for by me as I could, I even showered her after the birth of her child! but I have never had a birthday card or anything from her, she always makes a fuss of her "dahdee" on those kind of dates though, so much so that this year,after yet again being ignored that I have Mothers Days and birthdays etc, she came over to our home with the baby, my husband was busy welcoming his brother and his wife as they had arrived 10 minutes earlier,she called us on the house phone (very rare) and I answered it, I gave her instructions of where to turn etc to get to the house, and as she turned the corner I went outside to help her with the baby and things, I mentioned the baby was sleeping, and she told me to "leave her a minute" I said she shouldn't leave her in the car in the heat, it was then that she called OVER MY HEAD to her father (she was only parked 7/10 feet away from our home) to "come help me daddy" and I was left to walk into the house empty handed, there was a neighbour standing outside and as I passed him, he whispered that he had seen what had happened, and to remember that whatever badness a person does to another, comes back to them ten fold! I was shocked (and surprisingly, ashamed) that someone had noticed, my husband seemed a little put out that she had called him while I was standing there willing to help, but, as usual said nothing, the day went as it always does when she is in our home, she took over the day, she changed the baby's full outfits three times, and bathed her, never saying a word about would I mind, or would I like to help or anything, she just thinks our home is hers to do as she pleases, I was glad when she left, so here I am, with this deep seated frustration and almost hatred for this young woman (who is now 24 years old) her attitude is overbearing, and because she is a larger sized person, the whole room seems full when she enters it and speaks in the loud boarish way that she does, the telephone calls have calmed down a lot now, although she still sends photos and videos to her dad while he is at work,I don't even mention it anymore, I am slowly making it clear to my husband that I am quite happy for them to have their relationship,but I don't have to have the same relationship with her, thing is, it still makes me feel almost nausious when I even think about her, and when my husband hands me the phone if she calls his cell, I want to run... but I just take the phone and speak civily untill I can find an excuse to hand it back to him.

Last edited by churnedstomach; 07/03/12 07:25 AM.
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Any advice would be really appreciated

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ok, so it has been almost a month since I posted my plea for advice, nothing has changed much here, and I don't think anyone has any advice for me on here either, sigh, is it such a bad situation I am in? :(

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I'm sorry churnedstomach! I didn't see this because I usually don't post in this forum because I am not a stepparent myself. However, I *am* the marriage editor and can offer you advice about how to strength your marriage in this type of situation.

I only wish that women would realize *before* they jump into a stepparenting role that it is one of the hardest they'll ever face in this lifetime. It takes a great amount of humility, maturity, selflessness and patience. Not many have it.

Of course, there are the lucky few who have beautiful and blessed step-relationships (I know of some.) But the majority calls you to reach deep inside and tap into the core of who you are.

I don't doubt anything you said regarding your stepdaughter. She's sure a piece of work. She's the product of her daddy's indulgence and weak parenting.

You've done due diligence by sending out loving actions and attentions. The problem is that you expect something in return, and with this little attention vampire, she's not one who has been taught to give back or to be considerate of anyone else's feelings but her own.

Even though she is an adult, she still wants to come first in her daddy's life. He still hopes you and she will have a close mother-daughter type relationship. You just want to be married to a man who is a man and not a doormat to his demanding daughter.

I will post more in another post so this won't get too long.

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There are certain truths you'll have to face if you want to continue in this relationship with any level of happiness.

1. He will always be her father and will not change the way he treats her. This behavior has been rooted long ago and reinforced over the years. Whether out of guilt or any other dissatisfying reason, he treats her the way he treats her. It may nauseate you, but you'll have to look the other way every time.

2. She will be the way she is. It's not that people can't or don't change, but it takes tremendous incentive to do so, and there is really nothing in the foreseeable future that indicates either she or her father will change their attitudes and behaviors towards each other. There is an old Japanese proverb: "Bend the tree while it is young." She is too old for you to change. If you were there when she were still young and malleable, maybe you had a chance to influence her development, but now...unlikely.

3. If you intend on changing their relationship, the only thing that will change is YOUR relationship with them. You will cause more resentment on her part and doubt and uneasiness on his. You become the bad guy.

4. Be sure to strengthen your marriage. This is the first and best strategic maneuver you can make to keep his daughter from ruining your marriage. Be sure that when he is with you, he is completely satisfied, happy, respected. Be sure that he associates YOU with pleasure and fulfillment so when she comes whining to him, he will associate her with pain and frustration and problems. This is a very important subliminal message to his subconscious mind. He will then prefer to be with you rather than her.

5. Don't go overboard trying to kiss her rear end. She will learn to manipulate you while losing respect for you. Do what is right but nothing more unless you do it out of love. Just don't do it to curry favor.

6. Don't show your upset in front of her. She lives to [censored] you off. Shrug and give your attention to something meaningful to you. This shows your husband that you have a rich, deep and fulfilling life of varied interests and he could have the same if and when he stops truckling to this brat's demands.

7. Instead of falling into her traps (engaging you in games and sillyness), remember that you are the mature adult here. It might feel tiresome to have to deal with her, but don't bother wasting your anger on her. She is a spoiled person who should be pitied because of the sad impact she has on the world around her. Learn to take a deep breath and turn your attention/focus elsewhere when she visits.

8. Remember that you are she are not on opposite sides. She could never fill the role of wife to your husband and you could never be daughter to her father. If his time with her is unpleasant, spend time elsewhere when she does come by. Don't make it obvious but discreetly plan on visiting with friends or engaging in other interests.

9. Don't get angry when she treats your home like hers. She thinks of it as her daddy's, and he will think of his place as the home she will always have.

10. Pat yourself on the back. You've endured quite a lot and have done a lot more than the average stepmom. But now, relax and enjoy your life. And remember to give your husband the respect and love he craves. A father loves to rush to the aid of his child because of the love, adoration and respect that a child showers upon him. Do you do the same for your husband?

It's hard for a stepwife because the biological bond between parent and child is so strong. People don't divorce their children.

Give him what she cannot. And you strengthen your bond with him.

Good luck. It's not easy and only you can say if it is worth it.


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