BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Help, I'm in love with my boss...

Okay, maybe "in love" is a bit strong of a phrase to use, but I definitely have a huge crush on him and am confused and conflicted about it.

I'm 35 and married (unhappily at the moment, that's a whole other story). I think my boss is probably 46 or 47 or so, and he's divorced.

My boss and I actually have a really good working relationship, and a good personal rapport too. I like him a lot as a person, and I respect him professionally, and I think he'd say the same about me.

I didn't immediately have feelings for him, but this attraction has grown over the past year or so as I've gotten to know him better. I have a strong hunch that it's mutual -- I've seen and felt lots of signs that he is attracted to me. Nothing has ever happened that has crossed any lines of professional conduct, but the unspoken tension is very much there.

I know that nothing will ever come of this attraction. I certainly have no intention of acting on it, and he's a very professional and ethical person and would never do anything inappropriate. So the problem is, I feel like I'm going crazy -- I feel nervous and giddy when I'm near him.

Part of what's difficult about this is that it's a very confusing crush. I'm not necessarily really physically attracted to him, but he has a lot of qualities that I find very attractive -- smart, passionate, creative, successful, kind, sensitive, sophisticated, dresses nice. I don't know that I'd ever really want to pursue something with him even if he weren't my boss, even if I weren't married. I don't fully understand why I have these feelings about him.

One day a week after work, folks in my office usually go out for happy hour after work. I used to go regularly, and began to notice that my main interest/motivation in being there was to be near him and talk to him. I really enjoy conversation with him, he's smart and cool and interesting. When I socialize with him in this context, outside of work, I find myself wanting more -- I want to have a cocktail with him one-on-one, talk to him in more depth, have dinner with him. I have romantic fantasies about him (I wouldn't call them sexual fantasies exactly, they're more innocent, because again the attraction isn't so much physical as it is about his personality). After a while I decided that I needed to stop going to the happy hours, because it was just exacerbating my futile attraction, my confusion, and my frustration.

I don't want to be having these feelings, but I can't just shut them off. I would love to hear thoughts from someone who's been in a similar situation, or who can give me some suggestions about how to tone this down so I'm not going nuts at work all the time....

Thanks for reading and for any thoughts or insights you care to share.

I was not in love with my boss but I did work around all men (construction) and I made it a personal policy of mine NOT to go out with anyone from work. Here is a little list that you can ask yourself:

1. What happens if you break up ?
2. Can you get a job easily somewhere else (in case you do the breaking up first and he decides to fire you)
3. He may not be Mr. Wonderful outside the office (you never know)
4. Will this effect your business reputation (meaning if you were to get fired or quit will you be depending on a good reference for another job)
5. If you decide to "confess" your feelings, what happens if he doesn't feel the same ?

These are just a few questions that you might want to think about. I was a single Mom at the time and really couldn't afford to loose my job over a relationship so I decided not to go there ever, Business should not be mixed with pleasure, just my opinion.

Well....thanks, you make good points, but I already said I had no interest or intention in acting on it. I'm just trying to sort out and deal with my emotions about it.

HI,
Well, since your marriage is not a happy relationship, I can understand why you have such a heavy infatuation directed towards your boss. But, you are married It would be best to work on those problems. If things can't get worked out then you have to decide what to do. I would say that it is not a good idea to get involved in a dating or affair situation with your boss or anyone at work. You mentioned that you would never act on it. But if you keep thinking about him, fantasizing etc. it could lead to something.

Crochet Queen brought up some very wonderful points. Sometimes when a marriage is not that great & you are dealing with many problems any man who is acting nice & kind to you can seem very attractive. He can seem like he is Mr. Wonderful to you. But all you see is how he is at work & when the group goes out for a short time after work. With the economy problems it is very hard to find good jobs. If you were personally involved with him & it did not work out, he might fire you for any reason. If not it could be very difficult for both of you to work. Also things like this do get around. Other people notice & talk.

You might think that he feels the same way but that may just be wishful thinking on your side. He might just be a very nice, friendly man. I think we all can get crushes on people even if we are married or not. It can happen when you are dealing with problems or even if things are going along very well. But this is not something that you should act on as a married lady.

I had the opposite thing happen to me. Some time ago I worked for a small family owned business. The Father was throwing hints out here & there. It was very creepy to me. I am married & around 40-42 at the time. I finally had to quit because things became worse. He hired a 20 yr. old & they were messing around. Yet he was still trying to get me to play the game. He would make comments & would just say weird things to me. I hated it when I had to be in the office alone with this creep.

I reported this & nothing was done about it. You have to keep in mind that your boss can also get into trouble if he did pursue you. There are sexual harassment laws. But my boss had alot of connections & even though I tried there was not much I could do but quit. I had no interest in him at all.I told him this too. If you can, I would suggest to look for another job. Because of your heavy feelings for him, you could wind up taking further action. This will only lead to alot of trouble for you, your boss, your husband, your kids (if you have any) & the other co-workers. I hope that you can sort out your thoughts & emotions. Because sometimes it is hard to do. Good luck to you. Judy K. Chicago.

Hi 1124girl,

It sounds like you are in a difficult place emotionally. I think before you can sort out the feelings for your boss, perhaps the unhappiness in your marriage is something that's calling for your attention. In no way I am making any suggestions or judgement as I understand sometimes attractions can be very confusing where we feel a bit out of control. The reason I mentioned to pay attention to the unhappiness in your current relationship is that sometimes when our relationship is unfulfilling, we tend to look to other places for affirmation. It is natural. Perhaps figuring out what makes you so unhappy in your current marriage will help you see if your feelings for your boss are actually as intense as you feel now.

I will never recommend having extra marital affairs, and it sounds like you do not want it either. Stop going to the happy hour is probably a good idea. Try to focus on work as much as you can. I know it sounds silly, but try to clean and organize you desks or files if you have to to get centered again when you feel flustered.

p.s. I don't mean to destroy the wonderful image you have for your boss right now. Although you are attracted to your boss for the side of him you know from a working relationship, the reality is that you boss might not be the same person you are crazy about outside of the work environment. It's true for most people.

Hang in there.

I agree with the other posters. Forgive me for being frank, but I think your attraction to your boss is a diversion of some sort from your marital problem. From how I see it, I think you still cannot see the solution to your unhappy marriage, and so you gravitate towards someone who (I think) showers you with the attention and care you need at the moment. This is a very fragile state you are in, and it's easy to give in. And I commend you for making small steps into distancing yourself, beginning with not going with them during happy hours.

Believe me, you are not an isolated case. I've seen similar situations before. How to tone down the feeling? Hmm, you can think of one negative quality about him. Kidding. Seriously, think about you and your husband, your family. Sort out your marriage first, so that eventually (hopefully) those feelings will die down.

I would also suggest considering transferring jobs, but that is only if you can afford to. But while you're there, look for distractions like more work or hanging out with other colleagues. Best of luck to you!