BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage how important is a good sex life to a marriage...

Kristen,

I have been married for nearly 22 years. This situtation has developed over time. My wife was loving and intimate during our courtship and the first few years of our marriage. The current lack of intimacy has been going on for over five years. My wife and I have had sex only two or three times in the last five years that I can remember. She simply does not like to be touched in bed, she even told me so tonight. Actually, she perfers sleep and listening to audiobooks, which she does almost every night, when in bed. A couple years ago I told my sister that I believed my sex life was over. Unless I were to violate my wedding vows that is very likely to be true. I have tried to be understanding. I have been extremely patient, but I can not fill my wife with desire if she is unwilling to be affectionate. If she is unwilling to be affectionante how could she possibly be intimate? Personally, I do not believe the mythical god Adonis could arouse her passions if he were to offer himself willing to her. She just has No interest, more like aversion, to intimacy.

Kristen,

Read my posts from 1/28 to 1/30/2007 in the Marrige post of "Dilemma: Perfect marriage, sexually incompatible". There I discussed this situtation before. My posts will give you additional informaion on the situtation between us. It hasn't changed since that time.

Yes, Craig, I do remember now.

Have you thought of divorce? I do not mean that to sound harsh in any way, but, if your needs are not being met then something has to change dramatically for you or you will be unhappy and frustrated for the rest of your life with her. That is no way to live.

Unless she agrees to counseling, (but first a complete gynocological exam is in order with a sympathetic doctor), and is willing to get to the real root of the problem, I don't see any other option.

The thought of divorce has crossed my mind. However, I would not want to do it until my two oldest daughters are out of college. One of them just graduated from high school. The oldest is entering her junior year in college. Then there is a lot to consider with my youngest, she is a special needs child. I would not want to abandon her and I would have concerns about her in the sole custody of her mother. So, there would be a lot more than my needs to consider. Also, I don't like divorce. I think the wedding vows, including my own, should be upheld. I have seriously though of moving in the basement and setting up my own separate bedroom.

I would be open to counseling, but I am sure that she is. Also, I don't know how I could afford it since our income is so low.

Thank you for all your replies. I realize I am venting my need for selfish desires, but it does help to talk about. Thank you.

Did you mean she is NOT?

Also, a lot of marriage counseling is covered by mental health insurane (which is a part of medical insurance that you nevere know about until you ask). And if you don't have insurance, most counselors offer a sliding fee scale.

And this is not a "selfish desire" you are venting about - it is a normal part of marriage, so venting about ot here is much better than seeking someone else's bed.

Also, I would warn (although from the your previous responses, I don't think it is needed) - you say you would not consider divorce until you girls were out of college. If you do hang in that long, do not have an affair during that time. They will not forgive you for it. They may logically agree that sex is a normal part of marriage, but they will be hurt if you are unfaithful to their mother. It would be better to divorce cleanly than to ever have an affair.

I need sex everyday and so does my husband.

Yes, Michelle,

I meant I am Not sure she is open to counseling. That was a typo on my part. FYI: I am not considering an affair, that would be so counterproductive in everyway, shape and form. Being faithful to my vows is one of my goals in life. It is second only to being the best father I can possibly be. Although it has crossed my mind divorce is generally abhorent to me. Personally, I am uncertain that divorce is a reasonable solution for me. If I did I would be single, almost 50 and still emotionally and physically alone. Divorce I see as creating more problems for me rahter than solving problems for me.

Thank you so much for your concern and advice. It is greatly appreciated.

P.S. Emily, I am glad you and your husband are so happily active. I would be happy with having sex once a month, even once every quarter would be an improvement.

Craig,

3 things automatically come to mind -

Has she gone through menopause? You mention you have older daughters. Is she old enough to have already gone through menopause, or possible had a hysterectomy which would cause the same thing? This could easily cause a loss of interest in sex.

The other is; has she ever beemn sexually abused? Either recently (as in raped, or even just a victim of a crime by a man) or early in life? It could be that the joy of being with a man who loved her was enough to overcome her aversion of sex to begin with - but over time, (or because something reminded her of her trauma) that aversion has come back to her.

Last scenario: Is she on any anti-depressants or weight loss drugs? Both have a tendency of the side effect of sexual appetite loss.

These are just some things to think about - and maybe start down a road of thinking about WHY she has lost her sex drive AND has a negative reaction to couples counseling.

I wish you all the best.

I realise the following is simplistic advice, but I'm offering it from the point of view of someone still in the sweet early stages of marriage (coming up for 7 years), ie the stage that is probably most difficult to get back after many years together.

Perhaps you can try to re-court your wife. Do it very slowly and without any expectation of sex to start off with. I would suggest you invite her to take a walk with you in a nearby park. When you're there, say something like "I'd love to hold your hand." Just walk together hand in hand.

Because bought flowers are expensive, perhaps look for anywhere where you can pick some flowers for her.

Can you cook? Make her dinner one night and light some candles. Watch out for signs that she is becoming suspicious of your motives - if the topic of sex comes up, reassure her that you are still very attracted to her but that you only want it if she does too.

Spoil her - do one or two of the housework tasks that she always does, or do the housework together. Put some music on at the same time. (To spell out where I'm going with this one: routine household chores can become mindnumbingly boring; if sex ever gets put on that same list of chores and there is any option or excuse for dropping a "boring" chore, she'll take it. So try to reach her through the other chores. If it can be fun to do the housework with you, maybe sex can be fun again too.)

Try to find a chance everyday to tell her something that you really appreciate about her. Tell her what you first fell in love with. Tell her what attracts you now. (Don't mention sex yet.) Ask her about her interests now and make an effort to learn more about it so that you can have something new to talk about. If she has no interests, keep digging, even if you have to go back to her favourite school subjects. Then do an Internet search or find a free talk on an aspect of the subject and "study" it together.

Through all this, try to hold her hand whenever you can. Gradually move on to putting your arm around her while you walk. When you hug or kiss her, stop and look into her eyes for a few moments and smile. Tell her you love her often. Leave her little notes to find. Remind yourself of the reasons that you love her; don't make it just about those unbreakable wedding vows - remember why you made those vows. As admirable as it is, this is not something you need to get through because you are a man of your word; this is something you need to renew because you once loved this woman, and hopefully you still do, or might again with a bit of work. Prove to her that the entire marriage is worth working for, not just for the sake of your sexlife, but because you both deserve it.

elle, you have very good ideas and I appreciate your comments. I wish the solution were as simple as courting and romancing my wife. Even when we were courting over 20 years ago she never open up to me as to any romantic, not to mention erotic, fantasies or desires she had. I asked her on a few occassions and never got a reply. As far as I have ever known she has never had any such fantasies. She does not permit much opportunity to touch her or romance her. Actually, when I try to touch her she soon, if not immediately, turns away from me or pushes me back away from her. I would love to give her massages, but she will not let me massage her. Except for briefly rubbing her shoulders she rejects any attempt to massage her. She just does not like to be touched.

The problem is far more deep seated with in her and I have been given only vague notions of the issues involved. Long term counseling, if I can afford it, is the most reasonable solution.