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im having a fight with my mom and grandma over my first ever formal dance ball - i was thinking maybe someone on the forums could help me with advice or stuff on what to do

Hi Carrie,

I see you're from Australia, is this a common event for girls your age? What seems to be the dilemma? Let us know where you are differing with your mom and grandmom and we can see how you might come to a compromise.

So let us know if you need advice on doing something special for your formal, or if you need help communicating. I'm sure we have some very helpful ladies here that can leave advice for you before your party.

Violette

my mom and grandma have a lot of ideas about what il be wearing and looking like at the dance ball - mostly involving silk and satin and dresses and jewellery and flowers and perfume

i live in tshirts and pants and stuff so - yeah

i dont know what to do - i feel alone - almost scared - please help me

Carrie,

I know you came to the right place. My older daughter is so much like you. She doesn't like dresses either.

I would try to nicely ask them if you guys could come to a compromise. Tell your mom how you feel and that since this is a special day for you, you want to celebrate it in your own special way.

Would there be an appropriate shirt/jacket combo you could wear with a nice pair of slacks? Then you could let them handle shoes and jewelry maybe, or flowers and your hair.

Think about what would be most important to you, and how you would feel more comfortable and try to do that. But it is special to them too, and you might want to find something they could do.

Give grandmom a task and mom and task and ask them if you could be in charge of one element (mostly what you want to wear, RIGHT?)

I understand. My daughter feels funny if she looks different than she does on every other day, so she doesn't try new things like dresses. She said she would wear a dress when she gets married. Maybe you could tell your mom that and it would make her smile.

If you need advice on fashion or jewelry, we also have a Beauty and Self forum, and I'm sure the ladies there can help you too, in case they don't see this post. So feel free to visit everybody and we'll get you set for that dance ball.

I hope you get back to the forum sometime when Australia is awake, and hopefully Bella has been a helpful place for you.

Carrie, how about you find some pictures of what you like and would be willing to wear and share them with your folks?

I don't think I owned a dress during my high school years except for homecoming and prom dresses. All were very plain as I do not like frilly or fussy clothes at all.

So, pick a couple of styles and colors you like. They may just not have a clue what you prefer.

And, if you are totally set on not wearing a dress, there are female tuxedos--always cool, and even some dressy pants outfits that are quite formal and great-looking. Like wide-leg pants with a beaded camisole top.

You can even compromise -- wear a nice dress or whatever for pictures, then change into something a bit more comfy for dancing!

Good luck!

I tried to bring up pants
they both said no - and a lot more - chewed me out

they seem to want me to look like the girliest girly girl that ever lived - i dont want to wear a dress or perfume or jewellery or silk or...

what should i do?
what should i say?
What would people here say to them?
im crying in front of a screen and i feel so stupid

I have a suggestion...what about something like a formal pant suit. I recall (ions ago) when I when to my formal prom that some of the more athletic girls came in formal black tie pant suits complete with pin stripes. How about something like that? You could look really dressed up and sleek and very unique. I think you would really stand out and be making a statement. You could where a white frilly blouse with it to make it more feminine if you like. It's all up to you, after all, it's your prom and you need to be comfortable in what you where.

What are your friends wearing? Have you tried on any dresses? I would suggest checking out some dresses before saying no totally to the idea. You don't have to go all frilly but the formality of the occasion should be a dress. Especially if everyone else is wearing one. The point of it is not to wear what you would wear everyday. Also a pant suit would draw more attention to you which is what I get the impression you are trying to avoid.

Go with a friend and check out a few styles, try them on. You don't have to commit to anything. You might find something simple and understated that both you and your family can live with. It's only one day. You can do it. Nobody feels comfortable with events like this but once you get through this one the next one will be easier. Deep breath...

When I was in school and my Mother started to get a little too pushy about what I was, and was not, to wear I just backed out of the entire dance completely.

How do your friends respond to your dilemma? Are they supportive of your point of view? Maybe a friend or two could calmly help to explain your position to your Mother and Grandma. I don't see what they are getting so upset about, but that's just me.

How old are you? Are you old enough to buy or make your own outfit for yourself? I just have a real problem with anyone telling anyone else what they can, or cannot wear. I never did that with my children,(except in matters of safety)and I wouldn't take that kind of meddling involvement from my Mother. If there is still enough time, and you can sew, try making your own outfit. That way they aren't buying it for you and you can make what you like.

I guess what I had in mind was not just a traditional pant suit but a sort of dress that had long sleeve-like flowing connected pants. I have a knock-out outfit that I wear to weddings that looks 100% like a long black dress because it has full layered black flowing legs with a skirt topping over it, but underneath are pants. The top has long lacy see-through black sleeves for the arms and a low cut v-neck with rind-stone buttons. The outfit is to die for. It by no means is something I would wear to a non-formal event. It is definitely a very formal, either wedding or in this young woman's case, a formal prom-type outfit. That is what I had in mind and did not do a good job conveying it. I wear it because I don't have to wear pantihose with it and because it is outrageously comfortable. I feel great in it and from the sounds of it, this young woman might like to go this route as well. Again, it is extremely formal all the way around and I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise. Sorry for the misunderstanding and I hope I cleared things up.

Deb, that was what I was thinking too. Where the slacks appear at the bottom but somewhat of a flowing fabric on the dress or skirt part.

That sounds like a great outfit.

Hi Carrie

One thing you can try as a compromise, without committing yourself, is to go out with your mum and say that you will try on some dresses, but that you also want to try on some smart pant suits. That way she can see what the pant suits look like and she might change her mind when she sees how smart and formal it can look.

With the dresses (if they're just not going to back down), again a compromise you can try for is going for dresses in more muted tones and fabrics (ie, look for non-shiny dresses, maybe in darker colours). That way, your mum "wins" with the dress, but you "win" with it being less "girly". Also, look for dresses with a pencil skirt shape rather than a full skirt - these look more sophisticated and less girly too.

Another possibility is going for a skirt and top, rather than a dress. You could go for a very basic skirt that you feel comfortable in, and have a pretty top - tell your mum that people aren't going to see your skirt as much as the top.

Finally, when you do ask your mum and gran to think about a compromise, do it when you're feeling fairly calm and try not to let them make you feel or react emotionally. They'll be more likely to take you seriously and listen to you if you give logical reasons and speak calmly.

Hopefully some of the ideas we've all given you will help.

Helen

its a formal dance - like a d�butante ball - my mother has basically said wearing pants to it is out of the question - so is not going - just feel strange at the thought of all satin and perfume and jewellery

The town where i live is pretty Ned Flanders - so its good if your male and Christian and conservative and dont like music made after 1970

Hi Carrie,

Part of the problem is that it IS a formal ball - and that means formal attire; that's just part of ettiquette I'm afraid. Guys have to wear things that choke them and girls have to wear things that go down to their feet.

However; I don't think your outfit has to be so..."frou-frou".

There are many sleek dresses out there today, things that are not so frilly and pouffy.

Try looking around online, and see if there are some dresses that appeal to you at least some. Here are a couple of links for you to look around at.

Prom Girl
4 Prom

As far as jewelry goes; show your mom and grandmom the current trend in Hollywood is the bare neck with just a bracelet. If you pull up pictures of the Oscars - half the women did not wear necklaces or earrings - it was the big fashion talk st the time. Bracelets are the big thing right now.

And you never want to go overboard on perfume and makeup anyway; subtlety is a sign of sophistication, drowning yourself in scent and blue eyeshadow is not.

Also; sleek straight hair is the "in" thing as opposed to ringlet curls. Even tight ponytails to the head (as long as it's not done up on top of your head like in "Grease")

So do a little research on your own; compromise - find some things that you, maybe not love, but at least can live with for one night.

And keep that in mind - it is one night, as opposed to having your mom and grandmother on your back for weeks before and after. (Moms have loooong memories, mine still reminds me of when I snuck out of the house at 16, and I'm 37 now!)

Thanks Chellie - i get the feeling my grandmother would have me wearing petticoats and corset if she could

gets rough when you live in a Ned Flanders town too

Carrie, thanks for the description on the town. It helps us feel what you've been up against.

I like the advice above about staying calm for the next conversation. I think that will work very well for you. Probably the best is to give on the dress, and try to get them to give on what the dress looks like.

And there is that word, ettiquette. Unfortunately all societies have to deal with that one.

Keep visiting us, come and vent anytime and we'll get you through this. Sometimes it just helps to talk to other people and remove yourself from the situation. When you go back to talk and shop, you'll feel better.

I'll tell you a little secret....oh, even to all the ladies here, you are very special to have those two ladies fussing over you the way the do, I know it's difficult (I remember my wedding, it had more people than I wanted but my husband and I were very happy in the end).

Have you thought about how happy it might make them if you dressed up (hopefully not all frills and perfume, we are all crossing our fingers that won't happen to you). If you wanted to give them a gift and if you asked them what they wanted and they told you the greatest gift in the world was to see you have fun at your party and to see you all dressed up, then what would you do? Some of that fits into that word ettiquette, and being giving, even if we feel like we are the only ones giving.

We are all pulling for you that they will give a little. Maybe you can start and it will be easier for them.

tanx - i hope you all dont leave me

why do they want me to look like the girliest girly girl anyway

That is just the way moms and grandmas are. Funny isn't it. It's an instinct to want to dress up a girl. Plus they all came from a time where they were formal more often than not, and probably went to more formal functions then we will.

Tanks

i hope i can get through it all

Carrie,

If you need a laugh about this whole situation (and a way to not feel like you are the only one going through this)...

Rent the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".

The scenes where the family is picking out the bridesmaid's dresses and then dresses the bride in her gown (her comment - "I'm a snow beast!") are hilarious!

I love that idea Michelle, you know I still haven't seen that movie, and it even made it to TV. I know the feeling, and I'm so short I must have looked like a snow beast. LOL

Would any of you be interested in helping me find a dress i could bare?

Hi Carrie,

Hopefully you'll get some ladies here today, that are young dress shoppers. My oldest has not considered a fancy party yet so I haven't shopped for a formal in years.

If you don't hear from anybody here, always check over at Beauty and Self because I think there is a fashion section in there. They might even have a sticky post up top with recommendations.

Do you have enough time to shop online, or will you be looking for something in a shop close to home?

Do you know what color you favor and what material?

I know I have all the right questions and not enough of the right answers...

I can give some tips online - but you will really need to go shopping "live" and try things on to make sure they look and fit the way you like.

Here are a few questions to consider:

1. Length of gown (I'm assuming floor length - but just checking to be sure)?
2. What type of "sleeve" - long, 3/4, short, spaghetti straps, or strapless?
3. The neckline you like best: square neck, scoop, boat (which is the one that opens shoulder to shoulder), sweetheart (the one that kind of swoops over the breastline)?
4. Color: your favorite color (of cours), but also do you like only solids, or bold prints, stripes, florals, etc?
5. I'm gathering from your other posts that you don't really want frills or lace, but what about sequins or other decorations?

Ok - so think about those things, and let us know what you lean towards, and maybe I can find some exmaples online.

Who knows - maybe I'll start a new career as a personal buyer after this!

Here's a couple that I thought were really different, and not terribly "girly" looking:

Some ppl at school are pushing me to strapless

my mother and nan arent much better

they want floor length or ankle length

they want silk or satin - and definately the girly look

my nan wants pink

ma wants pink or lilac or purple

just nervous and not sure what to do - wish someone could hug me for real

Carrie! Hang in there. I think you should try to work on a compromise. Maybe you get to pick the color if you agree to ankle/floor length in silk/satin.

I also think you need to get out to some local shops and try them on. Who knows, maybe you'll find something you actually like!!

Carrie, I had exactly the same issue over my wedding dress...

My family wanted the big, poofy, frilly, traditional dress, and I wanted jeans and a t-shirt...

The comprimise?? I wore my jeans under my dress so I still felt kind of normal, then, after the reception got underway, my husband and I changed into fun shirts (His said, "I love you, I need you, Blah, Blah, Blah," and mine said, "My heart belongs to what's-his-face..." The guests all had a good laugh...

But, if you're willing to undertake a dress, and I agree with the others, live shopping is probably best (since we don't know your size/budget), here are a few sites that I found doing a google search....

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I would deffinately go shopping just on-line. You can even look at photos from "Hollywood" type events or actual on-line catalogs to get ideas.

I don't know about the whole pink and purple thing either. That is pretty frilly. What is your favorite color? Maybe if you agreed to the long dress that your family feels is appropriate then you can choose the style and color.

You could always try agreeing with them on dress length, give in on that one thing and then explain (even if it's not even remotely true) that you'd really be happy if your dress was blue, black, grey, red, etc. Explain that you want something simple and sophisticated rather than frilly. It's always worth a try.

I'd look for photos on-line to share with them as well. Maybe they could show you a photo of what they think you should wear and then you can find a photo of something you'd be comfortable with. You could share with one another and then each make a compromise or two that still leaves you feeling comfortable.

PS: If they insist on fancy jewelry you don't like, you can always stash it in your purse once you get to the formal and they won't be the wiser.

OK, here's another one I found - this one comes in about 5 different colors. (Black, navy, red, emerald, and chocolate). Very sleek and simple.



You can find it on Promgirl.com

I was absolutely NOT into dresses or anything girly of any kind when I was in high school. I was more of a skateboarding tomboy...but when I went to my first formal, adding a pair of combat boots to my silk dress was the perfect in-between.

Oh Michelle! That black dress is gorgeous! I love more simple designs. And the emerald green version on the site is stunning. That's my favourite colour. Okay, enough about what I like.

What do you think Carrie?

Here are some more ideas for dresses with simple elegant lines. They come in several different colours too:

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Not too long ago I was the mom forcing my daughter to wear a dress to a formal event.

Just to say on the mom's side of things, it's hard because you want your child not to be embarrassed and if she shows up in something inappropriate, then she will feel uncomfortable even if she thought she would feel good in what she wanted to wear.

I agree that pants are inappropriate to a formal event as you're describing but, you can find a compromise on the poof and silk, I'm sure of it. My daughter did eventually find a dress she felt comfortable enough in and she was glad that she wore it too. We have gorgeous pictures of her all dressed up. She still claims she did not like the hair, but I think she looks lovely.

It's only one night, and I really don't think you'll ever regret it. I think shopping on line is a great idea to get used to the idea.

It might help to know your body type in order to help you find something not too poofy or frilly to wear.

Oh Michelle, if I were only tall enough (and skinny enough, LOL) to wear that black and white with the poppies on the bottom.

Elle I like the red one, red works good with my dark hair. I like the green one below it too.

How many of us want to get dressed up now and go out. Everybody raise your hands.

thanx Cindy - Id wear jeans under the dress too if i wasnt very scared of what they might say or do to me - my nan specially

lisa - they wouldnt let me wear boots - again if i wasnt scared of what might happen id do it

charity - they dont care that its frilly and femmy and will make me look like the girliest girly girl - my nan is the same person that tells me im "blessed" to have such a large chest and femmy figure - oh and that its "Gods will" - no matter how it doesnt match with how i feel inside or

i feel scared and very alone a lot - the fact that the big city is 3 hours away doesnt help

this is also only the d�butante ball - later theres the year 10 formal (formal = prom in americanese) and the year 12 one