BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Health Issues and Being CF

Happy, it's like seeing an echo of myself, reading that post. I also hated the great majority of my peers as a teen (they were morons and shallow) and I had pretty bad depression also. (never diagnosed, and never went to therapy for it, since compared to the rest of my family I was the quiet one...I can hear Tress laughing now, at the idea of me being quiet)
Again, not diagnosed by a doctor, but I'm quite sure I'm allergic to estrogen. I used to get horrible migraines as a teen, right at that time of the month as well as charley horses that made it feel like my calf muscles were ripping off the bone. (still get those every now and again around my period). Also went through severe rage and depression around my period each month (once pulled a knife on my brother because he just would NOT leave me alone when I was doing dishes, which I hate doing in the first place. Fortunately he figured out fast that backing off was the correct thing to do because I WOULD have gutted him.) So, do I want to pass that on? HELL NO. I'm pretty sure my sister has at least a sensitivity to estrogen if not a full out allergy, and she had to be hospitalized when pregnant with her kid because she was puking up so many times a day that she became dehydrated and would have starved. I HATE puking, I don't ever want to put myself through something that could even maybe result in that! Oh, and this wasn't just a bit of morning sickness for a short time, this was puking several times a day for a straight month.
My grandparents on my fathers' side both had alzheimer's, and my grandmother was also violent and abusive to her sons. (all three have some real issues, my dad's the only one who stayed married, and my mom should have kicked his [censored] out before I was even born.) So, how much of that insanity is learned vs. inherited? Don't know, don't want to experiment to find out, and it would be supremely stupid and selfish to pop out a kid just to see if I could beat the odds, both with the kid and with my own body. I'm quite sure that a strong enough estrogen surge would have me kill everyone around me and myself. Case in point: when I tried the estrogen pill I FLIPPED out, batshit crazy. Fortunately I realized that NOTHING had gone wrong that day, nothing had set me off, I hadn't even SEEN any people that day! I managed to remember that I had taken the pill the night before (yes, I went totally insane off of ONE pill) and called up PP (planned parenthood). They told me to not take any more, and put me on a different kind of pill. Now that I'm on a non-estrogen pill, my migraines have actually gone away, and I get leg cramps only occasionally.

Oh, and it drives me into a frothing rage when I see women who are severely depressed pop out a few kids. What the hell gives them the right to expose the kids to a parent who isn't happy at ALL? Who will tell the kids "You're a mistake! I hate you!" Even the ones on medication, that stuff is powerful, how do you know it's not screwing up the fetus? I saw this a few times on Dr. Phil, some psychotic woman going completely insane at her kids because she has depression, oh yeah, the kids are TOTALLY worth THAT. I'm sure they thank you for living like that every day.
It makes me want to slap the woman when she claims that her kids have helped her through her issues. You know what? That's not their job, to be your therapist. Go hire one with the money you've saved by not having those kids in the first place.

I had to speak to a woman several years ago about her investments - she had lost money in a property scam...she was hospitalized at a private mental clinic in Melbourne but agreed to see me.
I'll never forget spending an hour with this woman - the dead, flat expression, every movement and word seemed to be an effort - noise was a problem - she radiated anxiety.
It was my first experience of clinical depression up close - so many people assume depression means you're a little down...AND, its something that is rarely discussed so most people are ill informed or ignorant.
Thankfully, that seems to be changing...hopefully, more people will recognize depression as a debilitating, serious illness and that everyone is at risk...

I was shocked to discover she had two young children - her mother cared for them - this poor lady had suffered from crippling depression most of her adult life - it would come and go...
She had achieved some mental stability then she became pregnant and of course, the pregnancy triggered a relapse - she had been warned of the risk. The 2nd child happened because her husband felt it would be sad for their daughter to be an only child and also, he wanted a son. He left when their son was 3...so her poor Mum was left with the responsibility of raising her grandchildren. The husband remarried and had a new family...

Talking to this lady over the next few months it just highlighted to me the pressure some women endure to have kids - even in the face of commonsense - and some aren't strong enough to resist the pressure. The attitude seems to be...have the kids regardless of the consequences...you'll be alright...and then run like hell if it doesn't work out...for this lady, the children and their grandmother there was no escape.

AND, Alison - I think some people prefer to find their own reason for your CF stance - some reasons are more acceptable than others. I know people always assume my career is the reason I don't have kids - WRONG! Nothing could be further from the truth.
I get tired of people saying, "Oh, you couldn't have had kids, with your job and all the travel"....
I think sometimes people feel more comfortable with their explanation...
I know one of my friends always "defends" his sister, "Oh, T would have had kids - her husband didn't want them"...it always sounds to me like a desperate attempt to satisfy others that his sister is normal after all...I know his sister - she was a fence sitter and happily agreed with her husband at "crunch time" that kids were not for them. Her brother seems more comfortable painting another picture.

The thing about Little People, Big World that bothers me is that only one of their sons is a little person. His twin brother is normal. He must feel so lonely!

I have just found out that I have various fibroids making my uterus "cock-eyed" and I also have a fair amount of painful ovarian cyst ruptures. The specialist is also investigating endometriosis and IBS. My SO has Crohn's running strong in his family and he too has IBS.

We also both have major depression and while we can get it under control, we also have moments where we fall deeply into nasty ruts.

I can't imagine being able to bring a child to full term as I imagine I'm full of scar tissue.

That's terrible, Lasting One. I feel for you. Keep strong. What is IBS?

Deborah-- Thanks for your kind words.

I hadn't thought of the reasons why my family and some friends may insist on (incorrectly) using my health issues as the underlying reason for my being CF. I felt they were ignoring my CF reasons. I just knew that it bugged me and reminded me all over again about my health issues (which I'm trying to forget!) It makes a more sense now in your context. Of course, it is the baby brigade who seem to do this!

My sister is quite cool to talk to about the CF lifestyle and is not into the agenda "for a happy life": boyfriend...husband...house..and finally...babies! In fact, she has a boyfriend in another country and just bought a condo here, so society's "acceptable agenda" is already broken for her!

Health issues are not the whole reason my husband and I don't want kids, however the probably give us a bit more of a reality check. My husband had cancer in his leg and has had his knee and part of his femur replaced as well as lots of chemo drugs! This disables him a bit, he can't run, he limps when he walks. He manages it pretty well considering, but this is a slight disability. For me, I have had a head injury, wasn't really a major incident, however I had pretty major results from it (likely to be from undiagnosed swelling to the brain), then I had a brain tumour which I had 2 surgeries for, and in both I haemorrhaged having the effect of a stroke on my body. the first one was more major than the second and initially paralysed the entire right side of my body, I recovered pretty well (I was only 18), but still have a definite weakness on the right side which is much harder to lug around than most will give me credit for. My husband was 20, I was 16-19 when all these things happened, and then you have recovery time to get over what you have been through. We are now both 26. I never really felt like I wanted kids, but I don't think either of us had really needed to really think about kid issues before the medical stuff happened. So about the CF and health issues I make 3 conclusions for our situation.

1) We do live with some disability and this would have some effect on being able to run around with kids etc. Also, I fear that as our bodies age the disabilities will become more obvious.

2) The things that have happened to us have prompted us to think about these things and changed how we see the world to some extent I guess, which I think has led to the CF decision for us as individuals and a couple. I guess we've been forced to confront a few realities of life at a crucial age where people are becoming more independent, developing their own ideas more etc.

3) People say there is no reason why we shouldn't have kids, genetically or medically, but I don't believe them, I know there are plenty of disabled people etc who have kids and do just fine, but there are further risks. You know your body and with al mine has been through I don't know that it would handle carrying a baby, giving birth, and then being physically relied on at least while the child is very small. Also, they are discovering more about the human body all the time and more about effects of treatments and diseases.

We just don�t want to put ourselves through the uncertainty, we have already faced too much uncertainty, and I�m sure there will be many other things in life that we can�t control, but we can control of decision to be CF.

A big part of me that finds pregnancy unfathomable is that I have IBS - the kind that causes severe spasms. It is very painful and I cannot imagine being pregnant while I have this pain.

I also have struggled with depression and anxiety and I cannot go off of medicine! I wouldn't be able to deal with the mood swings caused by the hormones. Additionally, I wouldn't want to pass this trait onto a child, since this chemical imbalance problem runs in both of our families.

Alison T - IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. A person can have IBS-C (constipation) or IBS-D (Diarrhea) or even a combination of both and it is very unpleasant. I, on top of being diabetic, also have IBS. This is another reason that I can't fathom being pregnant or having a child as I spend many unhappy moments in the bathroom or searching for one. It causes spasms of the bowels, a variety of levels of pain and a myriad of other bowel issues. At first, my doctors thought I had Celiac's Disease which is a severe gluten/wheat allergy but that was not the case so I was labeled as IBS-D. It means avoiding certain "trigger" foods and certain situations and stress makes it worse. Kids = Stress.

Man, I sound like a lovely bag of illness, don't I??

But, yes, this is also another factor that I have thought about when wondering about pregnancy and having a kid. How could I deal with all of this? What affect would it have on me and on the kid. I also have horrible PMS that the lovely BC pill helps to control. When I am off of the hormones I am a bear of a woman! I don't think my hubby nor myself would mae it through even trying to have a baby with my hormonal mood swings. Yikes! the horror!!

This discussion reminds me of Andrea Yates, the woman from the Houston area who drowned her five little kids. The woman suffered from severe post-partum depression and her husband's answer was to suggest that she have more kids. I've actually seen Russell Yates and my husband has seen him at work (he works for NASA). It makes me so angry, because he's just going about his life, having a new relationship with another woman. He should be in jail with his wife for criminal stupidity.