BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Good Parents Do Not Necessarily=Great Kids

My husband went to get a haircut this morning. The stylist asked him if he had any children. When he said no, she was incredulous and then asked (very seriously) if he at least had dogs. My husband replied, "no, we have three cats" and then jokingly added that the advantage of cats over children is that we'd never have the police at our door at 3 am with our kids by the elbow and that our cats would never steal from us to buy drugs. The stylist replied that she couldn't imagine her life without kids and that if you raised them right, they didn't turn out like that.

What?!?! Are you kidding me? What planet is this deluded soul living on? Look around, my dear! There are lots of good parents out there with children who cause them an enormous amount of pain. I could give her my own family as an example-my parents were loving and gave us four kids a great childhood.

Here's what they got in return:
-Son #1 has a very serious hoarding disorder which ended his marriage and has rendered him unable to work for the past 7 years. He could get help, but won't admit he has a problem.
-Son #2 has a serious anger management issue which requires the entire family to tiptoe around him and, as an added "stick it to 'em", he began calling both my parents by their first names in his late teens (he's in his 50s now and still does).
-Son #3 has not worked in 30 years, but instead has mooched and stolen from my mother and had 6 kids and heart surgery all on the public dime.
-And, although I think I've turned out good in the end, I was no prize either for years, having recovered from both an eating disorder and alcoholism.

Wow, not sure that that's the return that I would want on 30 years of good parenting! We had loving parents, a great home, good role models, the whole nine yards. What went wrong? I have no idea, but it's played heavily into my decision not to have children. I'm sure that every parent hopes they have some influence on how their kids turn out, but any parent who thinks that good parenting automatically=great kids may be sadly disappointed.

Great post shortcatmama. Your story certainly does make me think again about that assumption. I've often wondered about it. I can just imagine my husband's response to your post, which would be, "Your hairstylist may not be the best person to be taking advice from, and may not be the deepest thinker among us." Not to disrespect hairstylists (I've even wanted to be one in my past).

Coming from a non-perfect parent-family, it's hard for me to assess. My parents weren't that bad, but did divorce when we were young. We've both turned out okay, but they haven't!

Bottom line, to me it's always seemed like you say. You can try your very best, and be the best parent you know how to be, and still there's a huge risk your efforts will be taken for granted.

Very true. A couple of friends of the family who did their best at parenting have sons in prison for murders they committed after many years of drug addiction. I also have an uncle who has on and off drug issues, has spent significant time in jail, lives off the government and spawned many children, most of whom are following the same path. I imagine it's excruciating to be the parent of someone like that, even though there's only so much one can do.

"good parents do not necessarily=great kids" I have often thought that!
This is what my parents who raised us as Christians and wanted us to be virgins when we married and marry fellow Christians and in many ways were great parents got in return:

Firstborn daughter (me!) is (unbeknown to them!) married to a Muslim, no longer a Christian (like them) in fact an EX Christian who no longer believes ANY of that stuff! had an active sex life before marriage and lived with hubby before marrying him for six months. Practices magick (witchcraft - only GOOD magick though!) at times and believes the "Universe" and she herself - NOT God or Jesus - controls and decides her destiny. It gets worse!

Secondborn - a son spent most of his teen years and two years of his 20s rebelling ferociously. Alcoholic, hard drug abuser, sexually active, a father at 20 out of wedlock, even attempted suicide, swore at them, smashed mum's perfume bottles, said "I hate you dad, have a horrible father's day" ECETERA! After this stage he gave up all that but then became a bit of a religious fanatic who doesn't believe in birth control and mum and dad have already had to help him and wifie out financially and are hoping and praying they don't have any more kids (brother and his wife) as they struggled enough with two!

I know other families of people who seemed to be good parents who had kids that were a disappointment.

Some parents just lose the ability to relate to people outside of their kids. They stop being individuals and can only view the world through their "child-coloured" glasses. It's all they can talk about. Anybody who chooses to not live in their world of offsprings they see as crazy.
The saying goes "it takes a village to raise a child",the fact is it does'nt matter how good a parent you are,there are other influences out there, that once our kids start exercising their independence,will come into contact with. Yes you prepare them for this,but that is the most influence you can have. They have the ultimate decison on which paths they take. I have 2 older teens and its so far so good. I feel for the hairdresser, she obviously has no idea what is coming her way.

Thank you for this post shortcatmama - it is a very very valid point. Thanks for sharing the background of your family. Yes, this hairdresser is living in a Disney world, unfortunately.

I've heard that so many times ("if you raise them right, they'll turn out right!"). Yeah, okay.

Having a child is a crapshoot at best. My sisters were pretty decent parents....certainly no worse than the majority out there. They disciplined and were involved. Yet they both raised sons that caused them nothing but grief. They both had daughters that turned out okay. Kind of strange. My brother also had a daughter and a son. While the son turned out okay (but not motivated to do much), the daughter is a whole 'nuther story. He couldn't be more involved in their lives, and I know he was strict and laid down clear guidelines for them. And I've witnessed this same thing in DH's family, to an even greater extent.

For those who say that kids will turn out okay if you raise them right, I call a big bull$h!t. They just got lucky.

my mothers dad was a drunk and that is all I know about the man because he died in 65. my mothers mom was a very quite woman who read the bible in her free time but sence she had 14 kids 12 of them living to be grown she had little of. she stayed at home cooked cleaned, and gardened and worked the fields when needed all the while putting up with a drunk.
out of the 12 6 girls 6 boys, 3 girls and 3 boys were drunks! one SOBER girl married and had 2 kids and was shot in her own home infront of her kids and the man shot hiself. the husband found the kids then 5 and 3 trying to wake up there mom both covered in blood and had been threatened and beaten.
out of the other 2 they are still alive and one of the drunk girls is in her 95-ish!!!
the boys one had polo but died of liver cancer and lung cancer. he lived at home with his mom tell she died in 82 and then lived with a sister and brotheruntil he died in 84. 2 of the boys are still alive both sober but they werent always that way.

I am the 82nd grandchild. most of my cousins have died before i was born or they are in prison or in and out of jail. todate I have met only 9 1st cousins. and 10 2nd cousins.

I would say haveing kids is a [censored] shot! I do have one 1st cousin that is a precher but it had very little to do with the great parenting he had as a child. father was drunk and mother died at birth.

[quote=shortcatmama] My husband replied, "no, we have three cats" and then jokingly added that the advantage of cats over children is that we'd never have the police at our door at 3 am with our kids by the elbow and that our cats would never steal from us to buy drugs. [/quote] Well, ya never know... I hear there's good money in catnip dealing!

Amen to all of you!

I've got friends with kids....some of the kids are grown, some are not. The stories I hear about from my friends are often unreal to me. These parents do the best they can and it all doesn't seem to matter.

Very true....once kids get their taste of independence it does not matter how good the parenting is. Kids will do whatever the heck they want to do, especially today when there is so much more out there to influence them. It is pure luck indeed when kids turn out great.