BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Fear of being bad

From the constant postings I have read, many of which I agree with completely, it seems that a large factor in choosing to be CF is what we see in kids these days. Disrespectful, insolent, doing things that would have never have passed for "socially acceptable" behavior two decades ago. It infuriates alot of us when we see a child screaming and throwing a tantrum in a public place..and nothing being done about it. I see this happening and I think "thank the powers that be that I have chosen not to have a child, I would never want to deal with that".

Tantrums and this current trend of uncontrollable behavior in children is largely based on the way the child is raised, not by some mysterious genetic mutation in our new generation. So, is one of the factors we are citing in our choice not to have children based on the fact that we ourselves don't feel we could properly raise a good upstanding child? I personally feel that my parents did a great job raising me. I feel that I turned out the way I did because of that. I also feel that if I used the same tactics now days, I would be viewed as a monster. Children are wonderfull..children are our future..but if you honestly don't think you can properly raise a child, is it so bad not to have one?

Skeeter

Nope. I have 100% confidence that I could raise a "good" person. That's why it boiled my blood the first couple of times my boyfriend (whose kids are already grown, and now he's neutered) said, "But I KNOW you - you'd make a GREAT mom!"

And?

I'd make a great teacher, too, but I have my reasons for not pursuing that either. Just because I'd be "good" at something doesn't mean I need to do it just to prove it.

My childfree happy tingles washed over me just yesterday as I was bolting out the door. I had just booked a flight (my boyfriend and I decided at the last minute to skip down to the Texas coast the morning after Thanksgiving and then drive to Houston Monday, where we both have meetings), I was headed out the door to make a fantanstic presentation to a radiology department head, and my cat was wailing at me as if to demand, "Where are you going now -- and did you remember to fill my food bowl?" It was at that moment when I thought, I love being so mobile, able to leap tall buildings in my sales career; able to hop a flight to wherever, whenever; able to phone a friend for happy hour; able to go, do, see or loaf around with a crossword puzzle -- my choice! I love my choices!

It's not that I don't think I couldn't raise good kids, because I probably could (and I'd be a "mean" mom because I wouldn't want my kids to have a cell phone at age 8 or violent video games) but when you have kids, then you have even closer contact with all the undisciplined kids out there THROUGH your own kids! That's something I would NOT want to deal with! And then those kind of kids affect YOUR kids! No thanks!

Cindy

I know I'd be a terrible parent. I have zero patience for children (my animals even annoy me sometimes, and I love them dearly), and I can't stand the current climate where you're not actually allowed to raise your kid - you have to pander to all the politically correct BS instead.

Add to that the fact that child rearing suddenly became a competitive sport, and the whole thing just got waaay too hard. Even if I was inclined. Which I'm not.

I don't have a lot of patience either. The day-to-day repetitiveness of child-rearing would have me going nuts in short order. I just don't want to make the sacrifices it would take, including having to deal with other people's kids.

Cindy

"is one of the factors we are citing in our choice not to have children based on the fact that we ourselves don't feel we could properly raise a good upstanding child?"

For me, yes, one of them.

"my parents did a great job raising me. I feel that I turned out the way I did because of that. I also feel that if I used the same tactics now days, I would be viewed as a monster."

Ditto.

"Children are wonderfull..children are our future..but if you honestly don't think you can properly raise a child, is it so bad not to have one?"

I think no, it's not bad it's sensible and probably saving heart ache for all concerned!

"I love my choices!"

ME TOO!

"when you have kids, then you have even closer contact with all the undisciplined kids out there THROUGH your own kids! That's something I would NOT want to deal with! And then those kind of kids affect YOUR kids! No thanks!"

Agree! Esp. when there seem to be more and more of them too!

" can't stand the current climate where you're not actually allowed to raise your kid - you have to pander to all the politically correct BS instead.

Add to that the fact that child rearing suddenly became a competitive sport, and the whole thing just got waaay too hard. Even if I was inclined. Which I'm not."

AGREE! Like I said, my mother of three colleague one day really dissed a stay at home mother! NASTY! I don't like the competitive element of it either!

"The day-to-day repetitiveness of child-rearing would have me going nuts in short order. I just don't want to make the sacrifices it would take, including having to deal with other people's kids."

Ditto again! Could I agree with you all MORE? I don't THINK so!
(No offense to any parents I'm happy for you that's your choice, your life but for me literally every single day I am grateful to be childfree!!)

I really love reading your guys posts...its nice to know that their are people out there with the same views that I have...or at least are as crazy as I am....

Skeeter

See, I think I would be a GREAT parent - BUT - my kids would hate me. I wouldn't put up with any of their [censored] and I wouldn't buy them everything under the sun for them. Oh, and I'd make them walk to school.

Yea, I'd be a pretty strict parent, too. And I agree that in this era, strict and reasonable would get you labeled a monster. Add THAT to the list of reasons...

No, that's not one of the reasons.
I think we would have been good parents - we're both responsible, stable and loving people.
I think we would have struggled in the early years - we both like our sleep and our own space. It would have been a huge adjustment. The "chasing" stage would have been a trial & the "why" stage. In another post I describe a recent journey in a vehicle with some parents that had a 2 year old - the child had 3 words - "Ball", "Daddy" & "Car" - it was like the Chinese water torture - over and over again for hours.
I think the key is respect - when I see wild behaviour from kids, bad language - it makes me think that the parents haven't set the agenda, haven't set boundaries. I know I would never have shouted abuse at my parents - I loved and respected them too much.
My DH was never hit as a child but his parents were in complete control.
I know it's harder when kids are very young - but that's when you establish yourself as the parent.
I know there are exceptions - one of my brothers was a very difficult child - he was quite an aggressive, restless child - we're not sure why...one Doctor felt he had ADD - he certainly had trouble concentrating and learning.
My brother's partner has 4 children - one with my brother.
She has allowed her kids to take charge over the years....her daughter is a nightmare - answers back, swears at her mother (& my brother), calls her names, disobeys her - it worries me that in a few years she will be a teenager with no controls in place. This girl's problem is partly due, I'm sure, to her father having no interest in her - the mother decided to have a 3rd child so went back to her husband to conceive before ending the relationship again. This kid is constantly looking for attention and reassurance - her behaviour tends to push people away making her insecurity worse...
That's why I can't understand or respect people who just decide they want 4 kids and go for it regardless of their situation - they end up doing so much damage.
Every kid deserves the best start in life.