BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Going away from pain or pleasure?

I don't think any of us is safe from insight and self-discovery as long as we live... at least, i hope not!

I know you may be feeling disappointment in whatever this discovery was, but really, I think you have cause to celebrate. After all, this condition existed even when you didn't know about it, right? But now you do, and that gives you a new tool, one you can use.

I remember some interesting reading about two doctors... who quite independently... discovered some interesting aspects about trauma and the brain. People who've experienced trauma (particularly those who experienced child abuse) and who also have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), have a smaller hypocampus and another part of the brain.... sorry i don't remember at the moment the other part of the brain mentioned. Anyway, following trauma, these parts of the brain actually shrink! One of the doctors claimed he could determine with 99% accuracy (there was a study of which i do not know the details)... whether or not a person experienced heavy trauma and had ptsd, by looking at a cat-scan of their brain. But here's the part i especially want you to know!... they did follow-ups on these people, and found that as they healed from their experiences, these parts of the brain returned to normal size!!!!!

There are also many stories of people with various damage to their brains and how they have healed or found ways of compensating. I have two friends who lost all their memories at one point. One of them had a chemical accident at work, and lost her ability for short term memory. She used to use notepads to store her short term memories. She has shown some improvement over the years. The other friend had brain annurisms and lost all his long and short term memory for a while, but fortunately he had excellent physical therapy for recovery, and now his memory is better than anyone i know. I think you should investigate and see what is out there. Now that you know, you may be able to find out how others have dealt with similar issues.

The old school of medicine believed that the brain was not resillient. They thought for example, that once you lose brain cells they cannot be replaced. Now they have clear evidence that this is blatantly not true. The brain is an amazing thing and is capable of far more than we understand.

I think this news presents you with many opportunities that you did not previously, have. I would ask yourself questions like these until you have many answers for them:

What advantages do i have now in knowing this?

How can this knowlege benefit me and help me to improve?

How about that it gives you a greater basis for forgiving yourself? Or how about understanding some of your behavior? Or how about being able to communicate better what you experience and why? That could improve relationships, couldn't it?

It also never hurts to ask,

What's funny in all this?

Sometimes finding something funny in it, helps us to live with it and go with the flow.

I really do think this is a good thing that you discovered... i'm not just saying it to try to make you feel good.

Holly, you have given me the 'get up and go' to do something about this! I will find out what I might be able to sign up for which would provide me with the ticket I need to teach art in schools.

WOW! That gives me so much to look forward to!

Good luck to you too in your plans to go forward.

The sky is the limit! (and that really isn't the limit anymore either now!)

AF.

Yes Holly, that's very true. It explains a lot, and though it is not a 'happy' thing to know, it at least gives me the opportunity to be aware, and to act accordingly. I always prefer to know the truth, no matter how much it might hurt or embarrass me.



I also read about this. I could be wrong, but I think it is something which needs to be addressed in early years (young adulthood) for notable changes to take place.

I spoke to the doctor about it, but she wasn't certain whether this indication of early (infant) brain injury was the sole cause of the problem, especially since my mother seemed to have the same condition - so it could be hereditary. It also could have connections with the DID/MPD. She seemed to think that if the injury was going to heal itself, it would have done so long before this. (It's had over 68 years since the injury occurred.)

But I'm not worried about that at this point in my life. I'm just sorry that there wasn't the knowledge years ago to address such a problem, and that the action that caused it was also unknown. Anyone who did know did not speak up. People felt it was none of their business in those days.

The part affected is the area which has a lot to do with emotional development.

I find it oh, so humiliating that I, who am blessed with what is defined as 'superior' intelligence in most areas, should be at the opposite end of the scale emotionally.

It explains why, all my life, I have been 'emotionally immature'. The doctor said I was probably always several years behind - for example, being emotionally 5 at the age of 10, until reaching the emotional age of 16 and then stopped for some reason. ( I have been repeatedly told by different people that I was "20, 30, 40, 50, 60 going on 16"!!) So I have no idea at what chronological age I reached the emotional age of 16. My guess is that it was in my 20's. Why it stopped there, I have no idea, unless it was perhaps hereditary or related to ongoing emotional abuse.



Yes indeed. It gives me quite a few advantages now in knowing this. I now understand many things which have hurt and puzzled me for scores of years. I know now why people turn away from me when they get to know me well. I can understand why.

I also know it isn't my fault.

You can get away with it when you are young. But it appears to others as rather annoying and even disgusting when you are over 50, and over 60 - and have the emotional needs and responses of a 16 year old child wanting to be mothered!

You can see it, can't you? People look at me, listen to me, and they see a brilliant mind and a person with talents of a very high order. They are attracted, and drawn to this person who seems so wise, and someone to 'look up to' - but when they get close, they see something else which they cannot understand or accept. They feel cheated. They either run away, or they abuse me.

People tend to attack what they don't understand. And of course I didn't understand either, and got hurt so many times by what I saw as betrayal and unfair criticism and being ostracized and ridiculed for something which I could not change or understand.

I became something of a recluse, thinking it was the DID/MPD which was the cause (which it often was of course)- when most of the time it was this 'other' thing in my brain.

I am still reeling from this revelation, but as I said, at least I now understand.

The CT scan was done during my recent illness, to detect any signs of clots on the brain. That's when they found this early injury, possibly dating back to infancy. (probably from shaking) (A bit like how no one knew about my broken nose until I was over 40!)

I can see the funny side of it all. I even laughed about how I now know why I get on so well with teenagers! I can relate to them and what they feel because I am still a teenager at heart (emotionally anyway!) myself!

I have to learn to employ my mind more frequently, and not show my emotions if I plan to keep friends in the future.

And at almost 69, it's really time I stopped looking for a mother to love me!!!

If I didn't laugh at all this, I'd cry!!!

With hugs,

Kerryanne.

Would somebody just be considerate enough to permit me to know whether I am being ignored here, and if so, why, exactly?

If this is so, I shall act accordingly.

Thank you all.

I think that now is the time to begin action along with all talk of finding solutions.

Holly, AF and others.
Let us plan our future and begin action.

Ah. I will take this as a yes, then.
Although I am still not understanding why.

But it is all very amusing.
And somewhat revealing.

Just what "action" are you proposing then?

You can never completely abandon one for the other, because they are the dual sides of the same coin.
Only by recognising the constrictive, restrictive and addictive elements altogether, and rising above both pleasure and pain, can you conquer the two illusions.

But it seems that nobody here wishes to confront these issues and meet the discomfort head on.
Why is that, I wonder?
why are you all so apparently addicted to the comfort zone of your own platitudes, that you fail or refuse to consider the alternatives? Pain and discomfort are necessary pre-requisites to healing.

More silence, no doubt.

You are all so funny.
In fact it might be hilarious if it was not so predictable and sad.

KerryAnne - I see no reason for you to feel humiliated. Each of us has flaws in one way or another. Should we all be humiliated? It just gives us character! I have more "character" than most, i oughta know!!! hahahaha. If you have more "character" too... GOOD! We'll have character together. The world needs different people.

Also, many of us never lose the desire to be mothered, and we can't claim brain injury as the cause! I've known some people to be immature their whole life... and trust me, they have no excuse. I think you are being awfully hard on yourself.

This knowledge from the catscan may help you find ways to cope, but i really, really, [b]REALLY!,[b] would not take it as reason why you can't do something unexpected. I've known far too many examples of people who did the impossible. It is only impossible until someone proves it wrong, and this happens often in life! And just like they did not know this about your brain when you were little, there are things they don't know today about correcting issues or what the catscan means in the first place. You may be the first... the one!.... to prove a statement patently wrong. This is how people without toes who were once told they would never walk were able to run a four minute mile and win world class races! This is how Helen Keller became one of the best minds and inspirational speaker ever, after starting her life with people treating her like a dumb animal and flatly writing her off. If you look around, there are literally tens of thousands of people who have done the impossible, and they are certainly no better than you. Don't ever accept a limitation like this. It is additional data, that is all. The rest is hypothesis, and hypotheses can be proved wrong.

I know it's scary sometimes to not have some explanation why you can't do something when it is indeed, extremely hard to do. You have challenges, no doubt about it. But there is a difference between being challenged and believing that you are unquestionably limited. If i were you... i would question it. Do you see what i'm getting at?

I had a close friend, J... she was legally blind and her parents were told she would never read or attend regular school. She finally, at age 9, learned to read. Even today, she can't read as fast as you or i can even speak out loud, but she reads... a lot. About two decades ago, she applied for and got in to one of the most prestigious colleges in the U.S. It was not easy for her to study, but she was determined. Sometimes before exams, we would take turns reading her textbooks to her, because it was faster than she could read them on her own. She had to put in many more hours of work at school to do what you and i are able to take for granted. But she did, and she graduated. Do you know what she did after that? She became a writer for the state of Michigan, beating out other applicants, and she did not disclose her handicap to them. Guess what department.... education! This, after being told as a child her handicap would always limit her, particularly in learning and school. Now she runs her own large company and guess what else? She passed a driving exam. She is able to drive her own car. Safely. Her eyesight never improved... it is just that she learned how to use what she had to best advantage and work around it. She learned how to manage it well and use her abilities, not her disabilities. And do you know what she told me once? She said, "Holly, other people will never understand how hard it is for you to do some simple things. But that is true of everyone... everyone has a handicap of one sort or another."

I count myself fortunate that i've known many people with large handicaps who have done what you might think impossible. They inspire me and have taught me so much. What i learned from those who succeeded despite their challenges is that they were all the same in one thing: they never made their handicap an excuse as to why they could not do something they wanted to do. What is it you would like to do, Kerryanne?

I just heard on television about a blind guy who wants to climb Mt. Everest now, and just a few years ago a guy with an artificial leg did it! And if you don't think that's impossible... think again. The guy with the artificial leg has to worry about metal parts of his artificial leg freezing to him and plastic parts shattering in the extreme cold, and the blind guy has to worry about using his pick in the wrong place on the ice and causing it to fall. When i was a kid i knew a guy who was insulin dependent who went to climb Mt. McKinley and a storm hit and his insulin froze. His home paper reported him dead... but he was not. Each of them said they did/are doing this to show others with handicaps that people with handicaps are not limitted.

Come on, Anne!!! This isn't a death sentence to your growth!!!! You are resourceful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If anyone can find a way through this limitation it will be you. You are at least as good as these others who have accomplished things, and you have so much to offer from your heart and mind both that others find valuable. You are kind and wise and have learned so many things from your experiences. You have gifts no one else has. USE them! Experiment with what you can do. See if you can't go through the limit doctors have decreed you have. You'll discover good things this way... either that it is not a limit, or how to go around it and manage it. Whatever you learn by trying, will be good. It can be fun to try, so why not? And if you do make useful discoveries... you will not only help yourself, but you can help others who have had the same or similar problems and help spare them from frustration and pain of having to discover things themselves. Wouldn't you like to do that? Wouldn't you like to spare just one person from some of the pain you've experienced? That alone is reason to try or write a book or something.

I know sometimes i sound very ...oh i don't know... Pollianna. But i really do believe what i'm saying here, Anne. I've seen examples right in front of me and i've been playing with my own limitations again and doubting them, and i really am starting to believe that we are all capable of far more than we think.
Maybe half the limitations we think we have, aren't really there at all, they're just an illusion... a d**ned good illusion! But still, an illusion, and illusions can be dispelled. We need to find out which ones are illusions.

I care about you. Even when i am frustrated or don't understand what's going on with you. I don't care HOW old you are, by the way. I've seen my dad surprise all in his old age (he's older than you), and he's done some remarkable things in changing himself and surprised everyone.

Figure out what you would like to be doing, and we'll put our heads together and come up with some ideas for how you might do those things. Start with one, small or big, whatever you like. What would you like to do?

Hello Mettemaid,

As far as I am concerned,I am happy for you to be here.

I am sure no one meant for you to be ignored or excluded. I have experienced so much of that in my life, and would never inflict it on another.

Perhaps you might have some suggestions which would help me in my problem?

Kerryanne.

Ah, dear Holly, I don't know where to begin!

What do I want?

Well,I'd like to be able to react in an adult way, emotionally,to stress, grief and the fears that often plague me.

Often, my reactions are those of a much younger child than 16. I've never talked about this before - to anyone! - so it is rather difficult to put into words.

For example, last night one of my dogs was in pain (I took him to the vet this morning and he has sprained his cruciate ligament in his leg.) I went into an anxiety attack and all the fears which might have been found in a 5yr old child were there - as they always are when I am stressed, worried or fear loss. I was beside myself because I didn't know what was causing him to be in so much pain. I desperately wanted to talk to someone - for comfort, but there is no one.

I lose friends because I am clingy and dependant and I really do behave like a small, frightened child who fears loss or abandonment. I seem to have no control over this.

In intimate relationships, I am idealistic, like a teenager. I am not adult and it is very obvious to those concerned. I have been told that I don't want a lover. I want a mother!

Mentally, I react in a mature manner when there is trauma or strife, such as attending the injured at the scene of an accident, or taking the initiative to put out a fire if it starts. (always the one with a clear head who does what is necessary) - but in personal matters, my emotions take over from my mind and I am a mess. What is personal always brings a terribly immature response, tears, panic, fear of what the future holds, like a child orphaned and alone and terrified.
I was always afraid to be away from my parents, up until I was 18. I could not relate to males, and still fear men I do not know well. I was afraid of people my own age and became a loner very early in the piece. I never had a best friend until I was over 40, and even then she was someone 14 years my senior and I did not let her get to know me well. She only saw what I wanted her to see. She was the only close friend I ever had, and she died in 1996.

I never had a boyfriend. Never went out with a boy, and never knew what it was to have school friends.

Because as a child I spent a great deal of time 'splitting off' I had a lot of blank spots in my memory. This often drove people up the wall.

So I did not go through the normal 'mile stones' of childhood which are necessary for a child to experience in their develoment, not as a child, and not as a teen, so I did not have these as an adult. One cannot go back and experience them. If you didn't go through those stages, you miss them. No one can run before they have first learned to stand up, balance, and walk.

I have always been aware of this, but it is now that I feel the full impact of it. When I was younger, I just kept on hoping that things would get better, which of course they did not. So mentally, intellectually, I matured normally, but emotionally I was arrested in my development and none of my experiences changed that. Perhaps if I'd received help when I was still pre-adolescent, it might have changed everything. But there was no help. By the time I was 18, I was suffering the consequences of retarded emotional develoment to such an extent that it only compounded the damage, and I suspect I arrested again. It was like the rolling stone effect - it kept on going and got worse with the on going years.

How do you go back and relive your childhood and adolescence? How to experience all the things that just weren't there! That's what I'd have to do! How do I now experience being a normal child and teen? I wish, oh I wish I could! All those experiences I never knew and cannot know now because the time for them is passed and gone.

I have often looked at others who were badly abused and who are DID/MPD and see them married with children, and I wonder why it didn't happen for me. My life was not worse than theirs. But now that I have this information, I think I understand why.

I developed other areas of my brain to compensate, and that is good, but my emotional develoment remains an embarrassment and a great impediment in my interpersonal relationships, so that in truth, I don't have any! None have lasted. So of course, now, I protect myself from further grief, and I don't get close to people.

That is about the best way I can explain it. And it is a relief to be able to finally admit, at least on the forum, what my major problem is. It is a load off my chest, so to speak.

All I want from life now, is to be able to love without being rejected, and to remain in reasonable health so I can give my dogs a full and happy life. (My dogs are all I have) I have never really asked for more than to love and be loved. Then it became just to love, with no expectations of being loved and accepted as I am, because I've found that people don't seem to be able to do this. (love me as I am) It is so painful to see those you love turn from you in disgust, and tell you that they want an adult for a friend, not a child.

I wish I could be an adult in my emotions. I wish I could lose my insecurity and terror at the thought of pain and loss. I wish I didn't feel like a frightened child who is all alone in a cruel world. (Imagine how a small child would feel to be lost, alone, and having to face life and its responsibilities!)

Anyway, that is some of my story. There are things that a mature mind cannot do for you. You also need emotional maturity. That is at the centre of your being.

Please forgive this long epistle?

Kerryanne.