BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Going away from pain or pleasure?

hello anndidetal...or is it kerryanne? I am not sure, whichever you wish.
I will have to read your post most carefully to see whether I could supply you with meaningful input.
Do you have previous posts I can look at to gain a more complete picture? May I look at them?
I do not wish to intrude...

Thank you for being kind enough to speak with me. it is nice to have a reply.
Perhaps others will be more revealing to you as to why they feel it necessary to ignore me. I still don't know!!
With metta to you.

Anne/kerryanne,
reading the post, there seems to be a distress you are suffering, because you have discovered that your emotional state is like that of a child.
may I just say that according to Traditional Chinese medicine, THIS IS NORMAL AND TO BE EXPECTED. The Five Elements, (Fire, Earth, Metal, Water and Wood, which are imbued in everything and everyone, and are effects found everywhere) also have attributed emotions to them, and apparently we are all subject to returning to our "child-like" state when we experience emotional upheaval, whether it is good or bad. So your child-like state is quite normal, even though that, due to other traumas, it may be exagerated, or expanded, or be more evident. But this is fine, It's normal for you, just as for others however they react is normal too...
In our emotional imbalance (and again, this could be great joy too) we all behave in an "infantile" manner.... we revert to child-like, or childishness... personally, in my observations of others in general, in my life, I have found that due to suppression and social, cultural attitudes, men are more "childish" in their upsets, than women!! THis is not a fault, it is just a tendency due to conditions imposed upon males to behave in a less emotive manner. So it has to come out somehow.

I hope this helps.



This is very true. maybe I have a lesson to learn here... maybe I am not explaining myself adequately, or in ways people want to hear.

I hope what I have said has not offended you or caused more problem, then.

You may call me either, though Kerryanne is probably more friendly! I am DID/MPD and the two major adult personalities in my 'system' (that's what the 'inner family' is called) recently integrated. The two were known as 'Patience' and 'Anne' in the posts to the forum, but as we now are 'one', the name 'Kerryanne' was chosen.) You might notice that another alter, named 'Percy' also posted on occasions under the ID of Patience, I think!
He is the protector in the system and is 17 yrs old. There are also young children, but of course they do not post.



By all means! I think that if you click on my ID on the left of the post, there is a reference to all previous posts which you can click on, and it will show all my posts in order.

If anything puzzles you, just ask, and I will explain. Some details concerning DID/MPD may be confusing.

I want to say that your response to my emotional problem is very encouraging. It makes me feel 'normal' - if there is such a thing! But you know what I mean. My trouble is that I'm like this all the time! I just wish I could react in a mature way, and not be afraid of letting people know me - and losing my friends.

I have tried meditation; affirmations; visualization and positive thinking, but they just don't seem to help in this situation, though they have helped me to survive all these years, and to achieve many things. My mind responds wonderfully to these, but my emotions don't, and I can't seem to make my mind overrule them. When it comes to personal things, or grief, loss, pain and fear, my emotions seem to have all the power and all the logical thought has no effect. I am very much a 'feeling' person, so perhaps that is why.

I am 68 years old now, and I'd like to be free of this burden which has plagued me all my life. I long to be free of all the fears and insecurities, which are really the insecurities of a child alone.

Holly is being so helpful and supportive, and I think you might help me too.

I have an open mind and heart, and I will welcome your words in a spirit of love.

Kerryanne.

Dear kerryanne, my heart is bursting for you now....
You are such a warm, loving person, it seems impossible for me to understand how anybody could ever have condemned or rejected you.
I can only put forward one thing at present. I will gladly look through your previous posts and details to try to gain a more deep insight into what you are telling me.
can I perhaps put forward that you be happy in the wonder of who you are, and accept yourself in every sense? What others may think, and what opinions they may give, is a handicap on their part, and if anyone is judgemental and critical of you, this is a hurdle for them to overcome, not you. It really is their problem. If they cannot see past their own noses to the person you are already, perfect and miraculous in every way, then their short-sightedness is their issue.
Please don't take this in the wrong way, but maybe you can be easy on yourself, and just take a step back and stop trying so hard? To my way of thinking, we are the products of many rebirths, and to be born human is one of the most wonderful privileges of any birth... you are here amongst us, and with us for a reason. You are a gift to people whose lives are unaffected by such trials and a lesson in finding our own centres...because ultimately, we are all one. we all share the same humanity, and we all bear the same pains and grieviances. if we can just stroke fingertips with one other human being and ease their agony, even for a milisecond, is this not a wonderful miracle of being human together?

I warmly embrace you, KerryAnne, and see nothing in you I would not fervently wish to share with you, myself.

With metta and Karuna.

MettaMaid

Thank you so much MettaMaid, your kind words are inspiring, and comforting.

I am going to try to be kinder to myself. It seems I have more love to give to others than I have to give to me, and I know that is not good.

I have always thought (been taught!) that others are more important than I am, and that they should always come first, - and it is time I let go of that attitude.

Thanks again for your understanding and support.

I send you love.

Kerryanne.

According to Buddhist instruction (and I don't wish to sound as if I am preaching here, I am merely explaining something) it is important to cultivate Metta - Loving Kindness - for everyone. There is a specific Metta meditation, to help you do this, (I say "you", as in everyone, not just 'you' in particular) and the first place you have to start is WITH YOURSELF.

Even the Dalai Lama has said that the purpose in Life is to be happy and to make others happy. Placing things in this order may seem selfish. You seem to have been taught that to do this, is wrong. But this practise or teaching is not based on Egotism or vanity. it is based on practising Universal Compassion, and that has to start with self-Acceptance, self-Unconditional Love and Self-Compassion. if we cannot love and accept ourselves as we would wish to be loved and accepted by others, then our feelings towards others may be flawed, and carry an agenda.... Our Love, Acceptance and Compassion for others will carry conditions, because we have conditions in place about ourselves. We perceive flaws, imperfections and unacceptable things within ourselves, and that gives us the subliminal incorrect message that we are therefore in some ways, un-lovable....we practise self-criticism, and find ourselves agreeing - even unwillingly - with the opinions of others who say - "You see? You are like this, because there is something wrong with you."

Understand this:
NOT ONE DAY GOES BY WHEN THERE IS NOT SOMETHING "WRONG" WITH YOU.
let me give me as an example.
Yesterday, I had a severe headache, and I was a little bad tempered.
The day before, I twisted my ankle a bit, and hobbled for a while.
The day before that, I grazed my elbow on a rough wall.
Today, I am concerned about some external circumstances, and am a bit pre-occupied.

And each day, every day, inexorably, I am growing older, and slowly, imperceptibly, my body is ageing and deteriorating.
Oh, I look after myself. I eat good food, and practise meditation. I follow a devotion and interact with others in as good a way as I can.
But every day, in a small way, there is something wrong with me.
And there always will be. I will never encounter a day when everything within me, about me or around me, will be perfect.

But you know what?

It is not a problem.

Why?

Because when we earnestly practise detachment from the obstacles Life keeps throwing at us, to trip us up, we can quite literally Rise Above It. These things happen to us, but do not affect us. not internally. They cannot upset or dislodge our Inner Serenity, Calm and Joy.

We may well yearn for a partner to share our lives. But anyone who has ever had a long-term relationship will tell you, it is not always and eternally perfect. It can bring anger, sadness, distress and struggle. So a relationship is wonderful, but it is not everything.
We may yearn to have sex, money, property, a perfect body, fast cars, a yacht, a seaside villa, a string of race-horses or a wardrobe full of the latest cat-walk fashions, but it will never be enough, and while they can bring us pleasure, when we lose our libido, go broke, suffer an earthquake or flooding, examine the botox and silicone in our nineties(!), need a mechanic, have the house reposessed, have to pay exhorbitant vet's fees and have an animal put down, and give our glad-rags to a charity shop - then we feel the devastation of the opposite side of Pleasure. The very material things we accumulate to mark the level of our pleasure and desire, are the very things which in turn might eventually bring our dreams and visions crashing about our ears.
It is wonderful to want - and to have - all these things, but they are not permanent, and should not be sought as a measure or degree of our satisfaction.

And so it is with ourselves. To seek perfection and "healing" in ourselves, is a false desire, because we will never be the ideal person we want to be. So much better is it, to look at ourselves in the Mirror, and say - "What a wonderfully perfect walking miracle you are! You have so much love and beauty in your heart, that it shines through and pours from every pore! What a fine example of Loving Kindness you are! I am so glad to have been born as You!! I am a blessing to me, and I live a wondrous life!"
Once ytou have truly accepted and loved yourself as you deserve - and as nobody else can - then, Life will become wonderfully sweet, and no matter waht it brings, you will shine, as you so richly deserve to do!

I am sorry this post is so long, and I hope I have not caused offence to anyone in anything I have said.
I pass on what I know in my own heart to be true, for the Love and Enlightenment of all beings.

With Metta.

Yes, I do know this to be true. I have experienced somuch of it and know in my heart that I need to live in the NOW and see myself as I truly am, and not as others judge me to be.

Wise words!

I was not at all offended because I can always learn from the experiences of others.

I know the importance of detachment. I am fortunate in that I have never wanted more than what is enough. Material things have not been all that important to me. I live a very simple life.

You have given me more to work on, and strive for. I also believe, with the Dalai Lama, that the purpose of life is to be happy and to make others happy. I have just put the cart before the horse all my life. Now it is time to put things in their right order!

Let us discuss this further? I am most interested.

With love,

Kerryanne.

Hello Alexandra,

It saddens me when I see you going around as Mettamaid.
I am back on forum from today and will keenly observe the games you play.
You may deny that you are Alexandra.
But I will not be impressed.
I feel very sad that a person who talks of Buddha and truth is doing this.
Pl. seek counseling.

Thank you fo your kind words CDMohatta, but I assure you, openly, in public and with sincerity, you are mistaken.
I have spoken to Alexandra.
I have even met her now. We met each other in London, and spent the afternoon together. She lives in a Town called St Albans, I live with some friends, in Twickenham.
She is 50.
I am 45.
She has children, I do not.

In many ways, we are very similar, and we both think that Karmically, we have been brought together.
She is half Italian.
I am completely Italian.
But there is much about us that is NOT the same.

I submit to your right to believe whatever you wish to believe and I thank you for your concern.

With Metta.

Alexandra, you better start writing drams. That will suit you better. I am on this forum only and will be active now.Wait and watch. Better stop this Mettamaid business and begin as Alexandra.