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That's lovely!

It's good to see you... i've missed you.

I've been struggling to gain atleast a small measure of control over my rapidly changing life. There are so many things flying at me from every direction-some good, some not. I've reached a major crossroad in my life and face a multitude of choices without many resources. The only thing I'm certain of is that external factors are going to decide my future if I don't take control soon, but knowing this seems to have an adverse effect. I find myself withdrawing and wanting to stay shut in my house. I just don't know where to start or how to go about it. There are so many issues involved that I've become overwhelmed to be honest, but being back here is a positive step. I've missed you and your calming words!

Hi, Sue. My son just turned 21, too! He is the "baby". sniff, sniff I'm glad that you are back, too. I don't know if it is the season getting ready to change or what, but it seems that each of us has been feeling the "pull of the moon" on our spirits these last few days and/or weeks. I'm sorry that everyone is having such a tough time, but I'm glad that I'm not alone! Maybe between all of us, we can put our heads, hearts and spirits together and make one whole, healthy, happy person and help each other "get back on track".

We'll see if we can figure out some things that YOU can do, even with your limited resources as you put it, so that YOU can take control of your life, instead of outside or external forces deciding your future. I know that you have a LOT on your plate, but you need to be a little more specific so we know which way to help you, okay? So, turn on some quiet, relaxing music, and take some deep, slow breaths and let us know the BIGGEST things that are coming at you right now? Is your boyfriend back? How is your health? Relax and let us know, okay? We can all put our minds together and see what we can come up with.

Love, Trish

Hi, Holly. All of your friends here have missed you and know that you have been under alot of stress lately. It is SO WONDERFUL to decide to make gifts by hand, but when you decide to make too many in a short period of time, everything else has to be moved to the back burner. That is very frustrating, especially when you like and want to have your hands in many different tasks at once, like you do.

I know, because I am the same way. I start one chore and get an idea and start that one too, and then if I can help somebody, I'll do that while I'm trying to finish the other two things. Sometimes it all comes at me too fast, like Sue says, and I am overwhelmed, exhausted and then I can't get everything finished the way I WANT to. Then everything comes crashing down and I get short tempered, over-eat, and get extremely tired.

That causes a lot of stress and I seem to be like you, in that stress causes me to be depressed and then Murphy comes to visit. You know when he comes to visit, if something can go wrong, it will!

Well, Bella hasn't been quite the same the last week or two. CDM has been "off" more than usual since his son left for college, and you haven't been having long discussions or making jokes and we really haven't even had a meeting of the GENIUS CLUB in days and days. Why, I even forced myself one day to look up some jokes and nobody even responded. BOOHOO. JK LOL CDM actually responded and put a new joke back up.

OH, NO, I'm starting to type like a teenager on IM. BUT, I wanted to tell you that I really liked your joke about 'the man who got a new pair of hearing aids; didn't tell his family but had changed his will 3 times in the past week'. I REALLY liked it AGAIN when I heard it the following Sunday in CHURCH when our priest told us the SAME JOKE. I was laughing so hard that he probably thought I was silly, but I couldn't believe that joke would come up TWICE in one week! You did good, girlfriend. Your joke made it to church!

Holly, I know that you haven't been feeling too well and I am so sorry. I am tired and I don't have much left in me, either, but I just wanted to say that we all can hang together and hold each other up, just like we've done before and EACH OF US will make it back out of the clouds!

One of the things that you always did for us, is told us something that you read, something that would help us in our journey. So I will let you know what I found in the Sunday paper about Quick Stress Busters. It says the MOST productive way to combat stress is to foster a sense of control. Remembering the times when you HAVE successfully handled difficult tasks in the past will help you feel more confident about your current challenges. BEFORE going to sleep, list 3 things you did that day that you are proud of. (It could be something as simple as helping someone across the street.)

Making this a ritual will help build self esteem, a key factor in combatting stress. And, heck, it's a whole lot better than lying there thinking about all the things you meant to do. Sleep well! I look forward to hearing from ya'll tomorrow.

Take good care of yourself! God bless you!

Love,

Trish

Your post has the voice of an angel! 1.I guess my biggest obstacle most immediate is dysfunctional disorganization which creates massive clutter in my mind, resulting in stress, anxiety, and panic. Historically I jump into worse just to avoid things and relieve the current "pain". 2.)Every major aspect of my life is either up in the air or in ruins. A.) I've been a single parent for 26 years, raising 3 kids without fathers. That job is done and I'm proud of myself. I deserve credit for the way they turned out. Other significant contributors in raising them prefer to only give me credit for the negatives, namely my mom. My youngest leaves Thursday for the dorms. I get for the first time in my life get to make choices solely for the betterment of me. One of those choices is I know longer want to deal with family that puts me down and disrepects me for their own purposes. B.)I am not only emotionally bankrupt, but also financially. So much so that I can't get help from legal aid to file bankruptcy. They call it judgement proof, but what it really means is I have nothing for anyone to take-I have no value. Without the bankruptcy it makes no sense to get a good a good job. My creditors will scramble to be first in line to garnish it and my employer will be bombarded by them. In the end, all of us will be unsatisfied and I'll be worse than when I started. It's a viscious cycle I've fought for 26 years, also. C.) I need to relocate to a place with more opportunity. Currently, I live in an extremely depressed area. Without inside connections, opportunity do not exist. It's just the opposite. They'll do what they can to keep you in your place. I moved here to be near elderly family. They're now gone, but I stayed for kids' stability. That is also finished. Now I stay because I can't get out. I don't have the finances just to move without first having a job. It goes round and round. D.) My relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years is in question. He's great in many ways, but his behavior has recently made me question my security and doubt his love and commitment. Lack of emotional support is a deal breaker for me. I 've had more than my share of emotional and physical abuse. I blame no one but myself for the past. I'm afraid I might bring the past into my future. I feel strongly, this might be my last chance to build a life for myself. I don't want a life even a little bit like my first 46 years. My boyfriend makes more money than he can possibly blow. He has every toy, gadget, etc., he could want. He's generous if it's his idea. He knows my financial status and the obstacles blocking me. When he says he'll help without me asking, he doesn't carry through. If I ask, he's an [censored]. End result either way, I'm still stuck! I'm going to quit there. There is much more. That is the reason anxiety rules me. I can't get anything finished. Thank you so much for caring unconditionally. You stand to gain nothing for it. That's new for me-seems like an angel! Sue

Dear Sue,

I'm feeling overwhelmed a lot these days too. In fact, i just erased the long post i typed of all the things on my plate now, because i'm sure you don't need to hear it!

Something i find helps reduce overwhelm is to focus on only ONE part of the problem at a time. Getting progress on one will help you far more than trying to solve them all, getting overwhelmed, and not being able to deal with any. You kind of have a couple that are connected... how you're going to live and where, and this debt situation. How you're going to live and where seems to be the first to solve.

I know exactly what you mean about finding it hard to make decisions. It REALLY IS OKAY to leave some of it to random choice or chance. Even if you get evicted, well... that wouldn't be fun, but you'd figure out somewhere to go from there and you can always recover. Og Mandingo, for instance, was a homeless alcoholic in NYC who started going to the public library to stay warm. While there he read a lot, and eventually he became the CEO of a Fortune 500 company! You can recover from your current situation, or even worse situations. You DO NOT need to make perfect decisions now, and you don't need to assemble all the issues together into a for-the-rest-of-your-life-solution. Most choices can be changed later if you need to. Any change will bring new options into sight which you can't see now, much like when you're walking down a road and you can't see what's around the bend. That's okay. There WILL be more opportunities no matter what you decide, or don't decide, now. Try to remember that so it can help reduce your overwhelm. This is not really your last chance to rebuild your life! Got that? Are you nodding??? You better be!

I have a suggestion that could solve housing, job, the garnished wages, and the location question. I would suggest you start looking for and applying for any and all jobs where room and board is included! Your room and board cannot be garnished by creditors. Some of these jobs might include: live-in nanny, cook, or maid, a housemother in a dormitory, working on a cruise ship in housekeeping, a manager of an apartment building (though that would only give you housing, not food) and a live-in situation where you're caring for the elderly. Start talking to people, particularly anyone who might be able to give you a lead or recommend you to others in an area with better economic prospects. Most jobs of any kind are gotten by referral... in other words, someone tells you about someone they know with a job, and they'll recommend you. Because interviewing usually requires you go there in person, you might want to focus on the locations nearest to you that have better economic prospects. Also, you might have friends in other cities or states you could ask if they would be willing to put you up for a month while you interview for jobs. My area is not doing well economically, but i will look for jobs like this around here for you, and see what i can find.

Anthony Robbins says the best way to deal with overwhelm is to quit thinking so much and throw yourself into action. I agree, and i think CD would agree (because he's been on my case about that lately, hahahha). When in doubt, do something... anything... that you can deal with. For instance, you know you're going to move even if you're not sure yet where, so... you can pack. It's gotta get done, right? Or better, if you feel up to it... start looking for jobs with room and board included. I think that would be a big relief to you to find work, and good for your self esteem to work, right?

Now the next suggestion might make you a little nervous, but really, it will be okay! You don't have to do it, it just is something that would work to your advantage. Creditors would rather get ten cents on the dollar, than no money at all... or would rather get money later than none at all. The natural tendency is to want to hide, but it is better to communicate with them. You actually CAN negotiate with them. For now, i would suggest you let them know that you want to pay your debt as soon as possible, but you have been out of work and are currently are looking for new work, and that you will contact them again as soon as you do to arrange for payments. (I think this is true from what you said... but whatever the situation, just be honest). You can even mention you've been looking into filing for bankrupcy, that'll scare them. It will probably be less stressful to you to send letters, and the letters would go in your file so that would be better anyway. Keep copies for yourself.

Does that sound like a workable plan? What do you think?

Sending much love your way!

~holly

Trish, thank you so much for your post. It really gave me some heart.

CDM and Affetuoso both said they will not post again in Self Development, and i'm really hoping they will change their minds. It looks like AF hasn't posted at all at this site since, and i really miss her.

CDM is very busy right now promoting his websites, and feels urgency for that so he is working very hard.

I'm also in perhaps the busiest time of the year.. and there are several new things going on on top of everything else... including likely a last minute house mate that i may get by the end of the week! ...and one, possibly two new jobs... and the teaching of course will double or triple this month (i hope) and i have a commission to do by 9/11 that will be about 60 hours work i'm guessing, and the city-wide rummage sale is coming up and i have to sell stuff... and now my roof is leaking! aaaiiiieee!!!! And that isn't all of it. Overwhelm? naaaaaaaaaaaah! hahahhaa.

But i need to allow some time on Bella and for other relaxation pursuits. Talking with people and having down time helps keep me on an even keel with stress and SANE (well, sort-of, haha), and though i have friends here IRL (in real life), most of them are also my knitting students and there are some things i just can't share with them.

I know many times when i've come to get on Bella, or go to post after writing, either it, or the server, is shut down. I hear others have been having difficulties too, and Bella says they are done with the upgrade (at the top of the screen here), but i couldn't get on last night, either, so, so much for that!

You hit it right on the nose when you mentioned fostering a sense of control... that's the whole thing! But i don't really know how to do that. The anxiety came in the first place because so much was NOT in control, as is usually the case with trauma. Now i'm kinda at a loss how to start feeling it again or believing i have any. Even A.T.T... haha... "After The Trauma"... things have often gone bizarely. A wonderful guy proposed marriage, then had brain anurisms and total loss of memory... including me. I got a great new job more than doubling my income from ever before... and then lost it in a month for reasons unknown but perhaps a little to do with their budget. A great guy courted me, asked me to be his valentine, introduced me to his family and started hinting the M word... and then when everything was going great, left me in confusion with no explanation at all... that situation was even worse but i won't go into it now... it wound up bitterly painful. There were a lot of other events like this that haven't exactly left me with a feeling of control! I've been down right bewildered by most of it and not i'm not really feeling anymore like i guide my destiny. BUT... i don't know, somehow i've got to look at things differently or something. But how?

It's hard to keep trying things when you've so often been discouraged or think, what does it matter anyway, the carpet's going to be pulled out from under me like it always has. Or when there's depression... it's just hard to muster energy to DO something for your life, you know? I'm okay though. I have more energy than i used to have and i am doing things and trying a lot of new things... which is why the overwhelm, but that will pass. CDM in particular has helped me with this, whipping me into shape, and i haven't been an easy project for him i assure you!

My whole day today has been ... not at ALL as i planned! I meant to get up this morning and write and write and get it done. But there was a wild storm, i discovered my roof leaking, one of my students needed "emergency" help which was supposed to take a few minutes and took 3 hours, then the potential housemate wanted to come over with her father and they were here for hours, ...and now, to be honest, i'm "goofing off" because i feel stressed and can't focus. I've got a million things in my head i just need to "download" or better yet... hit the "erase" button.

Okay... i'm going to take a wee break and then get to my writing.

oh... great suggestion also about the 3 things to feel proud of. I will try to remember to do that.

love,

~holly

What happened with Affetuoso and CDM, if I'm not being too nosey? They were such positive influences around here. I will miss them. I never seem to get to say goodbye. The good things just seem to disappear.

CDM is still posting a little in other sections of the forum. You can ask him directly if you like.

I will tell CDM that Alexandra has sent Mettamaid to Nepal and he should come back. And Holly he is very appreciative of the help you are giving.