And this is exactly what I mean.
Some things, everybody:
I had meant to refrain from commenting or responding on this subject, for two reasons:
One: I would have hoped - and still DO hope - to respect the dignity and right to privacy of all those concerned, myself included.
Two: - It's in the past. Gone. Whatever happened cannot be undone, and so the best thing is to learn from the experience, and to move on. We all have our paths to walk, so my intention was to try to let things reach a level of calm and peace, again.
However, comments like the one above are both unnecessary and accusatory, so please forgive me if I go against even perhaps my own better judgement, and at least respond by way of clarification.
First of all, I hope those who frequent these boards know me well enough by now to know that everything I say and express here, is done with both the best of intentions, and with sincere warmth and feeling for those concerned. I am not a deliberately provocative, argumentative or inflammatory person.
But having experienced some physical, sexual and mental violence in my youth, and having discovered for myself how burdensome such experiences can be, my focus on this planet, in this life, is to attempt to alleviate and eliminate the suffering of others.
Sometimes (as has been painfully demonstrated) this results in intensifying the pain and Fear, but that's an occupational hazard, and one I have experienced before, through other people I have spoken to.
But that is another issue, and not for discussion here.
I dearly love Patience. She and I have known each other for quite some time, and have correspponded regularly for over a year, back to when I lived in France.
So I was frankly a little taken aback too see my intense and sincere desire to see her healed of her suffering trials and tribulations, quite frankly, backfire so spectacularly.
The reason I was also taken aback is that I would have hoped she knew me well enough by now to know that everything - everything - we have EVER spoken about has been transmitted by me with genuine Love, Compassion and deep empathy for her wellbeing. I want nothing but Good for Patience. truly.
She has spent her entire lifetime trying to work her way through to healing from her Pain, and I would so love to see her at complete peace and one-ness with herself, and rid of the burden she has carried for so long. For too long.
She mentioned that I am lack experience and qualifications, and am in no position to pass such comments on conditions I am not schooled in tackling.
However, the only thing I would say to this, is that (a)I'm afraid that qualifications, schooling, experience and titles don't make a counsellor any better sometimes, than anyone else. I suffered at the hands of three different so-called qualified psychologists, who all unfortunately had issues and agendas of their own, and were detrimental to my progress. I'm certain I'm not alone in this, and others too, have confessed that their own counsellors, psychologists and shrinks have not always been as constructive to their healing as would have been hoped.
(b) whilst she is correct that I have none of the aforementioned credentials, I have experience enough of my own to know that the burdonesome baggage we carry is disposable, and I further frequent three centres, one of whichh I supervise, helping members of the public in whatever way they need. This may range from social economic and bureaucratic matters, to feelings of depression,suicide, despair and desperation> It's voluntary work, everyone is supervised, and we all help one another.
That's what Life is about.
In all the time Patience and I have communicated, she never rebuked me for this absence of qualification before.
Something happened to patience BEFORE she became angered with me. Something occurred to de-stabilise her equillibrium a short time prior to her response to me, which led to her retreating and permitting Percy to speak on her behalf. The issue she was tackling prior to this incident was not caused or engineered by me, and I was in no way responsible for her unsettled frame of mind.
And as she/Percy has since said:
What people say and do, is their responsibility. How we accept it and take it in, is ours.
I do accept that what I said enflamed an already troubled spirit.
But I cannot - and will not - take the BLAME for how Patience has chosen to re-act and respond.
I decided to retreat from either public discussion on forum, or discussing the matter privately through PMs. My intention was to permit the storm to subside, and to allow all concerned - myself included, dominantly - to pause and to reflect on events, and to at least try to gather something INstructive and CONstructive from the situation.
we since learn that the way in which I had presented my side of the discussion, triggered a knee-jerk reaction from 'it'. IT being Patience's term for the sense within her that reacted so violently to the imposition of wrong, evil, and nasty coercions meted out by a figure of authority in her youth.
She knew then, as she knows now, that his intentions were, to put it mildly, extremely decidedly, wickedly and criminally wrong.
to compare what he did to her, with the intentions of my counsel, was deeply hurtful to me, for an instant, because i wondered how on earth she could have bracketted the two under the same title.
But I do understand, and I'm sorry truly, that my words engendered such a reaction. had I known prior to this, that such an approach would have effected such a response, does anyone truly think I would have progressed thus, regardless?
Of course I wouldn't.
as I stated already, I love Patience, and would not ever dream of hurting her in any way.
This is why I retreated from further comment, either publicly or privately, and explained that, too.
However, my reasons were rejected and I was accused of running away conveniently. This was never the intended case, and had Patience wanted to write to me, of course I would never have rehjected her mail, or refused to respond. I was attempting to consider her feelings in the matter, but that backfired too.
I think that's all I can really say on the matter.
I am quite prepared to let the matter drop and to move on, as i had infact intended to do.
others seem intent on prolonging the agony, perpetuating the pain and keeping the argument alive. This is akin to repeatedly stabbing yourself in the arm to keep the wound from healing. keeping old sores open is not my style, and it is precisely this point that I was trying to communicate before.
Obviously not skilfully or attentively enough.
THis is the Human disease.
keeping the p\in alive.
And this thread - and das' comment - prove my point exactly.
So, I guess, i will admit defeat and step back, and permit those who wish to mauintain this argument, do so. I do not say i will not respond in future, but this post - long as it is - I hope goes some way towards explaining what my standpoint is.
Thank you for reading it!
Metta and blessings to all,
Alexandra.
PS:As an EDIT note:
I have already expressed my sentiments for patience, and I would like to make it quite clear that I would understand if, from her point of view, she did not wish to ever speak with me, or hear from me again. I would respect that, in sorrow, but that would have to be her decision.
However, this does not stop me from wanting the very best for her, and wishing her well, in everything she thinks, says and does. I for one, whatever may happen, will always be here if ever she wishes to speak or to communicate with me again. I will always "Be there" for her, regardless, with Love, Compassion and sincere feeling.
Even if I never hear from her again, She will always be here in my heart, and I will always consider her a valued and wonderful friend. I wish only the most wonderful things for her, As indeed, I do for everyone, regardless.
Last edited by Alexandra; 06/02/07 05:38 AM.
