BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Final decision for me

Hey- I have been away for a while, but I'm back. It is so nice to see that this forum is as active as ever!!!

Updates- my husband still wants children and I don't. We had left the topic open for discussion on a yearly basis and this year at our talk he really surprised me by saying he really does want a kid. This put me in an emotional tailspin. Should I try to give him what he wants even though it is not what I want? After several months of confusion and worry I have decided that as much as I love him, I can't magically change my heart and have a kid just because he wants one. I wavered for a while-I think I was worried about losing him, but that is a risk I have to take.

I talked to him about it this week and he said he has a "decision" to make. I freaked. I guess in my dream world I wanted him to say that I am enough to make him happy and that I am more important that the idea of some future kid. Anyway- he came home with 2 dozen roses and says that he will try to accept my decision and that he would never try to force me to do something I don't want to do. So- I think counseling is in our future, but I am so relieved he is willing to still give this a shot.

Anyway- I need the support of this board now more than ever! After reading some of the most recent posts I feel much better. I need to close the book on this issue- My decision is not open to discussion anymore. Anyway- sorry for the long post- I will keep you all updated on the latest.

Antikid,

I'm so glad your husband came around. I was holding my breath while I was reading your post.

I think counseling is a wonderful idea. I completely agree with you - I don't think you should have to do something you don't want to do b/c it's something your husband wants. I strongly believe that you both have to want a child for it to work. Children are extremely perceptive - they would know on some level that you don't want to be a Mom. And that's something else to think about - what's best for the hypothetical kid.

My fiance knows how I feel about not having a kid, but every once in a while I probe to make sure it's really okay. He's 40, so we are getting older, and he's said he doesn't want to be raising kids in his late 50s. I think it really helps that we are older.

I hope that over time your husband will really appreciate all of the advantages the CF life affords. And take advantage of all of that free time.

I hate that it is so hard to not have kids. I wish it was easier for us. But thank God for this board! You are not alone!

That is a really intense situation antikid! I'm so glad your husband is still considering other options.

I would think counseling would be good too, but even that can be a minefield. All the counselors I've ever talked to about this issue (and my ob/gyn) have pushed me to have children. One of them kind of whipped me into a frenzy about it and it caused some marital strife. I was a psych major, so have some experience in the realm of psychology, and with my husband's insight, was able to step back and see what was going on.

I'd really like to get some more counseling for myself and my husband if he wanted about this issue, but can't be sure whoever we go to will see the issue logically.

I've been reading other threads that have mentioned other people coming up against this problem with counselors and doctors being pro-natalist. It's very frustrating and hard to know what to do when that happens.

Good luck resolving this with your husband.

Thanks so much for your support. There are so many things I want to do with my life and so many places I want to see and I feel like I haven't even begun! We have never even taken a honeymoon and we have been together for 12 years!

Also- I am almost 34 and my husband is 37 so I think part of his change of heart could have been due to age and the feeling that "time is running out." It is interesting to hear him talk too. If you listen to him he doesn't sound like he wants kids- they seem to annoy him which is funny because he was an elementary school teacher for 10 years. Recently he came home from a client's house and said their children were so unbearable he just had to cut the visit short and leave! I feel like he is not really listening to his inner most thoughts and feelings because he is too caught up in what other people think we should want instead of listening to himself.

i think we have a lot in common. i just joined and don't really know how to navigate this site and its forums. hopefully i'll learn soon so we can chat.

Frieda7-
I am a licensed psychotherapist (MSW/LCSW) with no children (or desire for them) and I am definitely not pro-natalist. I am scheduled for my TL in 19 days (yay me!)
BUT, I do want to add that I can imagine that you may have run into some difficulty with some counselors. The CF mantra is not a popular one and I am not sure if there is a certain select group of the population that will have a trend toward being "more likely CF minded." I do know of some counselors that are CF-curious or ambivalent towards motherhood, but they are not hardcore CF like me.
Counseling could be very tricky because the counselor would have to consider both thoughts about the subject, encourage a healthy dialogue, and try to help the couple resolve the issue (or try to provide the skills needed so both partners can resolve the issue). But, any good counselor is not supposed to project their value system unto the couple because it is the couple that ultimately make the decision. The therapist is not supposed to judge (outside of anything that is not causing an imminent danger to anyone in the relationship).

Frieda/Lady,

I agree! I was actually chastised by my therapist last weekend for venting about some of the pro-family stuff. I'm going to bring it up again when I go back. If you can't speak your mind in your therapist's office, where can you?

I think she was trying to calm me down b/c I was getting agitated. But I don't need a lecture on how wonderful Moms are. She is a feminist, nonreligious, and doesn't have kids of her own, so she's actually a really cool therapist overall. She doesn't try to push guilt on me. But she's known me for years, and just recently she said it's a shame that I don't want kids because of experiences I have had with my family.

I admit my family is wacky, but they are just one facet of why I don't want kids. I was like, have we met before? Have you heard anything I've been saying for like the last six years?

I have had a word document on my computer desktop for like ten years. It's a list of reasons I don't want kids. I started it a long time ago to remind myself of why I don't have them in case I get biological urges that tell me otherwise. I still have it.

Even the most evolved people lose their minds when it comes to having kids. I just don't get it.

I guess you just have to shop around to find a really good therapist. But I never thought I would run into this with my therapist, and even she's jumping on the baby bandwagon. So frustating!

I get that same BS from a few people that I should have children because of my life experiences and blah, blah, blah, bling, bling, blah...
The therapist office is supposed to be a impartial safe place to discuss things in a goal oriented manner. So, I am disturbed to hear that these therapists are pushing their views/value systems onto others. They beat "the patient has the right to self-determination" in our heads in graduate school so I am shocked and dismayed about this. Especially since it (CF lifestyle) is not anything that requires a major intervention like "I believe I should be able to smoke crack and burn others with my crackpipe." Now, that is something that you may have to challenge the viewpoint or value system. Live and let live!!!

Lady,

I know! She said "we have to have children" (you know, on the planet) blah blah blah. And I'm like, I KNOW.

And I don't even necessarily buy that, because I know we like to elevate ourselves above the other species, but the threat of our extinction shouldn't be that much more of a tragedy than any others. But, we should be doing better as a species because we have higher cognitive ability.

But it's not even an issue, b/c we are overpopulated, and not the other way around.

But this whole, they are doing you a favor by keeping the population going concept doesn't really sit well with me. A lot of parents aren't thinking about it that way at all. And when they frame it that way, it makes us sound like we are letting society down by not doing our part.

Antikid, I am glad your husband is trying to work things out. Someone mentioned on one of these topics that it is hard to understand walking away from someone you love for the possibility of a relationship and child that may never happen.

I realize that the times I have any sort of urge is when I see a mom around my age (32) with a teen and they are close in age, get along well and mom is about five years from the kid moving out. I don't envy moms in their 30's and 40's. If I had wound up pregnant at 20 before i thought much about it, that might have been one thing. I am all to aware of what it would be like now...and too aware of myself and what I need.