BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships I need some input from other women desperately....

Need some input....

I have been in my current relationship for going on six years now. WE have lived together almost three of those years.In that time I have never met or spoken to any of his family, including his children, friends, coworkers, etc. NO ONE.

I have never been privvy to his financial information, ie bank
accounts, bills, credit history, check stubs etc.

I have never been asked or invited to any family functions on his side. He tells me that they want nothing to do with me, and yet he will go to most of these funtions without me.

He locks me out of his computer, telling me that he has to protect his clients information that he keeps on there.

I pay all the bills, mortgage, and even our shared cellphone account. But he makes no calls to family or friends from that phone. Just to me and to a couple of other people that we both know. Which aren't friends but business people. I have never even heard him on a call to his children or other family members except for maybe twice in all that time.

He takes trips that I have no real varification of where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing. I only have his word on where, with whom and what.

These trips happen about two or three times a year.

I pay ALL of the bills. He buys perishable items like milk, bread, and such on his way home from work, and thats about it.

He pays all of his bills from work, and does all of his corresponding with family and such at work as far as I know.

He gets no mail of any importance at the house, only junk mail mostly or things that he ordered from the home. None of his bills come here to the house and he gets no personal mail here.

I have had many conversations with him asking him to stop being so secretive and that it is eventually going to destroy our relationship, and it has already greatly damaged the trust portion of it.

On the other hand, he is very loving, and caring towards me, and we talk all the time, he gives, in everyway there is to give except in the areas I have mentioned above.

He is always straight home after work.
He shares in housework and in the cooking and such.
He waits on me, and I wait on him.

He tells me he loves me all the time and kisses me quite often.

If you see my problem here, please give some input on what you think, and please don't just say things like leave the bum or anything like that.

I just need to know what you think about my situation and how you would feel and what you would think if you were in a similar one as a woman. Would you put up with it knowing that he is also very loving and giving on an intimate level?
Could you live with the secrecy or the "in the dark" situation on the other levels?

Would you be able to accept that the business side of the relationship is this way?

I brought him into my life completely and in every way. All of my family knows and loves him. He knows my financial status, because I share that with him. He is a great stand in dad for my disabled son. Loves him very much, and helps me with him all the time.

Now, tell me what you think and how you would feel in this situation.

Can you provide a little more info? Like have you discussed this with him, and if so, what are his reasons?

Is it more an issue of you not feeling included in aspects of his life, or do you think he is lying to you/hiding things?

I honestly believe that the fact that you spent time and energy writing to this forum is proof enough that there is a problem--for you. You don't need any of us to validate that.

What you should do -- is do what you are considering but are afraid of doing because you may lose him or wreck a good thing -- and that is to ask him for details.

It's the details of life that separates our acquaintances from our best friends. The guy you're dating from the love of my life. The woman who is my biological mother from my mama! Do u see what I'm saying?

There is no need to be confrontational. But if his mail is not coming to your house where does it go? And why does it go there? If you like his answer -- fine. If not...well?

If you MUST know what my opinion would be if I were in your situation -- I myself would not put up with it. I only deal in full disclosure. (Of course you never really know everything!) But as much as possible. Even if he is treating me great. I don't do secrets very well. I am wary of people who have things to hide or who put up walls.

I wish you much success though -- it sounds like you have a great guy on your hands who has a few walls up "just in case" things don't work out.

Lisa Angelettie MSW
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Excuse me if I talk to you in a very straightforward way, but what kind of relationship is that? Where is the mutual exchange? There is none. Where is the respect? There is none. Is kissing enough? What is tenderness without dialogue, openess, respect? Tenderness alone is what we give to pets. Look at yourself: why do you think you don't deserve anything better, more decent? You are not getting that kind of treatment out of nothing; you subscribe to it every minute you accept it. I am not telling you all this because I think of myself as someone superior. Believe me: I've been there. And the reason for submitting to that situation of being underestimated was because I had chosen it. Go try and treat him as he treats you, and see if he likes it. Of course he won't. Why do you want to be the child?

This man has a wife and family. He visits them when he goes on his 'trips.' Have him followed, m'dear. You are involved with a married man.

Do you have mutual friends, do you go out, does he pay his share of the mortgage? I believe he has another life, or one very interesting past. Very mysterious. Do you have friends in places that can search his past? I can't believe you have done this for six years, my curiousity would get the better of me!

Apparently your needs are being met, so even though this is not a conventional relationship, it seems to work for you, or at least it has worked for 6 years. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you are ok with it. Even if he has another family somewhere else (he might) or if he has a reason for being so secretive (witness protection program, the IRS is after him, or whatever), it is what it is. As long as you are honest to yourself about what this really is... a limited relationship, and you don't expect it to become anything more, as long as it continues to work for you, you are fine.

I was in a similar relationship for 8 years. It was the best time of my life. I enjoyed every second of it, knowing that at some point it would come to its natural conclusion, not knowing how it would end, but being pretty sure that it could't last forever because it was limited. I tried to stay in the moment and not overthink the future, even tough I am extremely goal oriented.

I continued to grow as a human being and he didn't. At tome point I outgrew him and he got left behind. Evn though I tried dragging him, kicking and screaming, into my future, it got to be too much work for both of us, and we both agreed to move on. As painful as it still is, I can't change the fact that I have a need to move forward and he has a need to stay exactly where he is.

What I leaned is that life is very short. No one knows what will happen tomorrow. You can make all the committments in the world and get hit by a bus tomorrow and die (or 9/11, or pick a catastrophy). If you have something special with this person, no matter how unconventional, no matter who disapproves, take advantage of every bit of happiness that you can share with him and with your son, and enjoy it TODAY. Because no one knows what can happen tomorrow. Just be honest with yourself and don't pretend that it will grow into something later. If it hasn't grown in 6 years, chances are, it's not going to happen, and that's ok.

Who knows, you may never outgrow him and stay for the rest of your life. Only you know when it's time to move on.

A word of caution: there is no need for him to know everything about your finances. Do not make yourself vulnerable, especially if your son depends on you for survival. Remember, YOU are the one accommodating this man, he is not accommodating you. Don't let your guard down when it comes to your own safety and the safety of your child. He has given you no reason to leave yourself wide open. Trust him, but keep yourself safe in any situation, and ALWAYS have a backup plan. (This applies even if you're married, because you really don't know what will happen tomorrow, and it may not be anyone's fault.)