BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Body Image I need help!!

Hi Pink. Great to see you! Glad you are feeling better about yourself and your world. You may not think you are wonderful, but think of things like this: Thousands of women read these words every day. I wonder how many of them are starting their own path to recovery just because you have. Wow, that's power!
Soldier on, Pink and be sure to keep in touch.

Ok. I need to be really honest right now. I am really struggling. At times I feel like I am on top of the world and I feel so happy about recovery. I feel like I can take on the world. It does not seem like that lasts too long until that all comes crashing down and I feel like I did on sunday, like it is all too much and I do not understand why or how I got myself in this mess to begin with. I got so mad Sunday morning. I just felt like I could not take it any more. I just wanted to run out of the hospital screaming.

So they bring in my breakfast and as usual I get a visitor to watch me, which I am so sick of. All the time I am thinking, this is so stupid, why can�t they let me eat on my own now. I have been here for a total of one month and feel like it is about time that they give me the freedom to eat in peace. For some weird reason, I just went absolutely psycho. I completely spun out and I lost it. I just said to them, �I�m not eating it, I don�t care what you do, I�m not eating it. I want to get out of this hell hole and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop me�. I had no idea why I was going on like this. It really was not in my nature to act like this. I was really out of control. They called in other staff. There were three people trying to calm me down, but I just wouldn�t calm down. I really truly and honestly just wanted to be out of there. They started to threaten me saying that if I wasn�t careful and not willing to co-operate, than they would not allow me to leave my room and go wandering around the hospital, I would not be let out on day release, they would feed me through tubes. I just did not understand it. Just the day before, I was feeling so good about myself. I suppose reality had hit and I realised that I did not have it in me to continue. It truly and honestly is a lot of hard work hard work. I did not think that I could do it. I am 40 kilos! Is that not enough? I have gained a massive five kilograms in a month. Is that not enough to satisfy them? Obviously not! I came in here willingly, why can�t I leave willingly, when I want to? Oh, because �we care about you Laura, there is too much at risk�. I was thinking, If you care about me, you�d let me go home.

Why can�t I just have a magic wand and magically disappear. That sounds like the ideal situation.

After really scaring me with the thought of tube feeding and not letting me go home, I slowly ate my breakfast. I showed my displeasure about it all though. Why does nothing I say make any difference? It did not matter what I said, they would not budge.

I did not look forward to my meeting with June yesterday (Monday). Word gets around very quickly in this hospital about every little thing that happens, and no doubt, she heard about my little episode on Sunday.

I woke up a little bit happier on monday. I really do not understand what had happened. I apologised for the way I acted. I just found it really hard and I exploded. I just wanted to feel in control again. At the moment I feel like I am not living my life as I would like to.

I broke down in my session with June. We tried to explore why things happened on Sunday as they did. I said to her that I had just felt overwhelmed with everything. I didn�t want to deal with my issues anymore because it was just way too painful. I was frustrated that I had quite a large family and had not had one visitor in the whole month that I was in hospital. Well, they do not know that I am in hospital anyway � that is my fault. It is just so hard to see stacks of people coming to visit everyday, and not one of them comes to see me. I just felt lonely. I thought that I could handle it. But I can�t. I told June that I can�t do it on my own like I thought I could. She told me that I did not have to do it on my own. She said that she would be here for me as long as it took. I asked how long that would be. She just told me that it was dependant on me. I said I don�t want it to be dependant on me. I cannot handle it on my own. She then told me that she would rephrase and said �It will depend on the extent to which you are willing to accept the help and assistance from myself and the other staff here. It will be a lot easier to get through this if you can accept our help�.

She told me that it is perfectly normal for people in my situation to react as I had. Apparently, it is a normal part of the recovery process and when it happens, we just begin where we left off. We will often have setbacks in our life. It is how we react to these setbacks that really matter. She told me that I need to learn that it will be a lot easier to accept it and pick up and move on with things, as if it had never happened.

I am feeling a little calmer now. I am so grateful that I have June to help me get through this. She just has a wonderful awesome way of dealing with things. I asked her if my outburst would mean that a lot of my freedom would be taken away, and given my old restrictions. She told me that she would make sure it didn�t (Yeah! Thumbs up for June).

Thankyou all for your support and your encouragement. I am so grateful that I have this forum to share my thoughts and feelings. It is good therapy, writing. It helps to sort things out.

Until Next Time

Laura

I expect that with the wealth of experience they have had, with others such as yourself, they know the pitfalls and dfficulties before you do...which is precisely why their care entails such intense supervision... It's probable that if they complied with everyones' wishes immediately, their success rate would plummet....



It's not that 'word gets around'....I would suspect that through monitoring, they are medically obliged to report incidents such as this one. They wouldn't be looking after your best interests if they didn't.
If she HADN'T known about it, would you have told her? If not, that would have left a terrible burden on your shoulders,of having to be honest, even though it would hurt you to not be...
And can you imagine her not having been told? Think how angry she would have been with the staff concerned!

Look at it this way - Life is like a Heart Monitor...it's a constant beat, sometimes up sometimes down. But for every 'down' there is an 'up'. It's when it 'flatlines' that you have a problem. Tackle all the downs, knowing that for every one, there's a great 'up' coming!!

Hang in there!

Hi Laura, here I am again, your New Orleans buddy. Gotta tell you this: your 'episode' is so very normal in the course of your recovery. It is expected for everyone going through what you are.
It is wonderful that you are wishing for company, getting ready to rejoin the world, if you will. Would members of your family visit if they knew you were in hospital? Could you make yourself ask? Tough thing to do, I know. Better to think they would not care, than expose yourself, inform them of your circumstances and take a chance they would turn their backs. That would be a big hurt to deal with. Maybe this is the time to try?

Laura,

Wow, that's huge -- thank you for sharing your experiences with us!

I'd hate to have someone watch me eat every meal, I'd feel like a child. Out of control. I'd probably have a meltdown, too -- I bet most people would. June and the other staff seem to be used to it; it is a normal part of recovery. You're battling your own self ("we have met the enemy, and he is us"); that's the toughest battle of all. You're changing the way you think, the way you eat, and the way you relate to the world. Those are huge steps. Massive!

Luckily, you're not fighting the battle alone. You have June and the other staff, and us on the forum, and whoever else you invite to share your struggles. I'm honored to stand alongside you as you fight this battle, Laura.

And I'm proud of you for showing your feelings, both here and in the hospital. You're being real, and that makes people connect to you and feel warmly towards you.

"Soar, eat ether, see what has never
been seen; depart, be lost,
But climb." - Edna St Vincent Millay

You may feel lost, and you're seeing valleys that many of us don't see -- but you're climbing!

And we're climbing beside you.

Until next time,
Laurie

I only posted here right in the beginning of this thread, but I have been reading all the posts whenever I come across it. I can't believe all the progress you've made. It's unbelievable. Everyone here has given you so much encouragement and support that I don't know what else to say. They've all worded everything so perfectly. And I am glad that you found the strength to help yourself. I'm sure at times you felt as though you did not have the strength, but the fact that you posted here for help, you called the ambulance, you went back for help just proves how strong you really are! Good for you. Really, I hope, wish and pray all the best for your future!

Laura (#2) lol

Just catching up on what I missed - we moved and had only limited Internet for a while.

Laura, I'm so proud of you for everything you have achieved in such a short time. You go girl!

Don't worry about the setbacks. They only take you a tiny way back, by the next day you will have regained that ground and more.

June sounds really wise and lovely. You're lucky to have her on your side.

And think of the staff who sit with you while you eat as your "visitors". Lots of family members arrive at dinner time and sit with their loved ones while they eat. I've done it a number of times when my hubby's been in for something.

I have to go. *hugs*

Good morning, Laura. I hope your day goes just as you wish it to. Every day you are gaining strength and getting better.....and back in control of your life. You will love yourself when this hospital stuff is over.

Praying for your fast recovery.

Wish you all the best.

Good luck and Happy Holidays as well.

Wow! Look at all of these responses. I'm in shock. It's good though.

Thankyou All. I'd love to respond personally to each of you but I just dont have the time today.

I actually called my mother this morning after reading your post, Jan. She was in shock that I had called but I had a good chat to her. I didn't tell her that I was in hospital but it broke the ice, which is MASSIVE.

I'm plodding along slowly at the hospital. Weight is increasing and I actually look forward to the day when I reach 47 KG's. I'm dreading it as well, but at least I will be able to go home and start looking for a job. I miss my job at the moment (and the extra pay). Being on sickness benefits isn't the nicest, but at least it gets me through.

Alexandra, thanks for the heart monitor analogy. I need to remember it.

Well, thats my life for the moment. Nothing exciting has happened, apart from talking to my mother. But at least things are getting better, slowly but its happening.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Laura