BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Body Image I need help!!

Laura --

It's been 5 days since we've heard from you. We're thinking about you, and sending good karma your way.....hang in there!

Best wishes,
Laurie

Hello Laura,

Wow! You have gone through quite a bit in the last few weeks. It sounds like you have had a number of ups and downs. That's ok. I'm sure you may not particularly think that is is ok in your down times. Just remember that it is all part of the process.

Recovery will prove to be a wonderful time for you, even if you may not believe so right now. The most important thing that you can do is to keep on going, as the others have told you - Soldier on.

It is so important that you do not lose sight of your goals. As Laurie has said, Hang in there.

We care for you and your health. Inside you're weary body is a beautiful spirit. Please, know that you are loved. When you feel down in the dumps, come and share your worries with us. I know from personal experience that we need someone to share things with. It makes living life a much easier and worthwhile experience.

I think that it is wonderful that you have come on here and shared your journey thus far. I am sure that it will serve as a help, now and in the future, to many many woman who are struggling with similar issues.

Congratulations on reaching this far. You really are an inspiration.

Know that you have a great team, both in the hospital and here on bellaonline. I can see that all these people here have been touched by your experience and feel a great love towards you. I am sure that this will be the start of a number of great and wonderful lasting friendships.

Wishing you all the best in everything you do. Please remember that you deserve the best.

Sandy

Hi everyone,

Thankyou for your support. It is great.

I am currently on day release (boy that makes me feel like a prisoner) except i have to go back for lunch because they do not trust me to eat it on my own yet. From now on they are going to let me out on Tuesdays and Saturdays which I am over the moon about. It will mean that I will start to have some normalcy in my life. I have had the best day today doing what I want to do. I had an absolute ball.

This week was definitely much better than last week. Now that I have a bit more strength and health back they are starting to allow me to get into a few more programs which I am enjoying. My therapist has been giving me a lot of different books to read, really uplifting cheery books and that has really helped me get through this week.

Well, I have to be quick because I need to be back at the hospital in about half an hour. So I will probably write a lot more on tuesday if you are still interested in how things are going. I dont want to bore you of course.

Laura

Laura,

You've been given a whole new perspective on life! That's cool, because you won't take the everyday things for granted, like going to the store when you want or renting a DVD of your choice. Freedom definitely tastes sweeter to those who've been detained.

Trust the hospital staff to let you go when you're ready, and help you eat until you're healthy. Trust your heart, share your thoughts and feelings -- no matter how silly you feel. My prayer and wish for you is that you tackle the reasons behind the anorexia. How healthy and strong you'll be afterwards.

And....your updates are not boring! I log on everyday, hoping to read a post from you. I'm thrilled to see your progress, and interested in hearing from you regularly, when you're sprung for good :-)

Hoping to hear from you Tuesday,
Be well, take care,
Laurie

Hello Everyone,

I have wanted to write more of my background for some time now and have decided to do it to give you all a bit better understanding on everything as it has happened. This is going to be quite long. Sorry.

Basically, what I want to say is: thankyou everyone for your support. Without it I would be dead. I must admit that it has been a really rough journey and not one that I do want a repeat of, but I am finally starting to see the bigger picture.

The thing that I had really struggled with was the fact that I had deliberately taken 8 weeks off of work in the quiet season so that I could go on an eight week fast to lose more weight. It worked and I was really, really happy about it, but I got to week seven and everything just went crazy. I started to be really sick. I couldn�t stand up without almost fainting. I pushed myself to exercise several hours a day and after my exercise I felt like I was going to die because I had pushed myself beyond my limits.

But then I went into hospital and I started to gain all the weight that I had worked so very hard to take off. I cried and cried for hours over this. I felt that I no longer belonged to me, but that so many people owned a part of me and I was living their expectations. It sucked. It really did. I had just felt that everything that I had worked so hard to do was all coming to a crashing end. It was extremely painful for me. I really did not like it at all. I wanted to maintain the control that I have had over my life. As soon as I got released, I had decided that I did not want to go back into hospital because it was a pretty traumatic experience and I did not want to recover because recovery to me meant that I had no control in my life.

I have had to learn that I was not in control originally. This was a really hard thing to learn and I am still struggling with this. So much has happened in the last few years. I don�t want to write about them specifically because I have to learn to forget about them because otherwise all the memories will come back and that could possibly set me back a lot� and right at this moment, I honestly and earnestly do not want that. I cannot afford a setback. The main events being: living with a controlling and abusing partner, ruined relationships with my family as a result of being with this fellow, and friendships that were no longer, also as a result of this.

It was so hard for me when all of these relationships broke down and it all happened in such a short period of time. The only way I could cope was to numb these horrible feelings. Starving myself became a major distraction for me. By controlling what I didn�t eat, I had to focus on this so that I could do it effectively and in so doing I thought more about food and my eating disorder than I did my broken relationships. This became a major victory for me and so I continued down this path. This turned into an obsession and the further that the scales had gone, the happier I felt. However, it was never enough and I always thought that I could do better.

I would most often leave the car at home and would ride my bike the five kilometres to work and five kilometres home again and I worked six days a week. I would go for a walk before work and I went for a walk after I got home. It did not matter about the time because when I came home I did not have to prepare dinner because I refused to eat after 4.00 in the afternoon. What I would eat during the day was generally limited to about one slice of tomato about three times a day. I would make sure that I drank no more than half of a litre of water a day. I pushed myself, because if I did not feel tired and exhausted, I felt that I was not doing as much as I could and would not achieve any results.

But I felt there was more that I could do and so I decided that I would go on a longer fast. I had fasted before but I had been working and it was really getting hard for me to cover this up so that my workmates would not get suspicious. So I organised to have eight weeks off of work. This was quite easy to organise because the business that I was in is very seasonal and they are extremely busy for several months and extremely quiet in other times. So I picked the quiet season and was able to have time off within only two weeks of asking which I was so thrilled about. And so I stayed at home and would not eat anything. That was my rule. I was not working, so I honestly believed that I could handle not eating a thing. I would drink about two glasses of water a day and I was still keeping up my regular daily exercise.

I had often gone to pro-ana websites to keep myself going so that I would not give up. It worked. They also had great tips for fasting. It was my number one resource and I valued these sites very highly.

I was in the process of searching for further pro-ana sites when I stumbled across Bella Online. This, I must say, had to have been my turning point in my life. At this stage I think that I was in about week five into my fast. I did not really like the threads that I read because they were mainly about recovery, but there was one thread which was something about people being too skinny. I certainly did not believe so. I wanted to lose weight and continue to lose weight. I was scared that if I did not continue to lose weight that I would only gain weight. So a low weight was not scary for me at all. So I joined up and went in there and told them that I did not think that it could be so, that a person could be too skinny. Being so used to the forums in pro-ana sites, I was not prepared for the response that came.

Jan wrote a thread telling me that the one thing that I thought I was controlling was actually out of control and I needed to receive help fast.

As soon as I read this I just felt this really horrible weird feeling and it nagged and nagged at me and drove me nuts for days. But I started to feel comfortable in these forums and so I continued to post in different areas. Then one day, about week seven into my fast, I found that I really did struggle with my exercise that afternoon and came home and collapsed on the lounge. I felt so weak and so tired and I felt like that night was going to be my last day on earth.

So, after a few hours of trying to work out what I could do, but with no brain power to think through it, I decided that I could not decide on my own and so for the first time in years I asked for help. I began this post. I had no energy to sit up, so I grabbed my laptop and lay down on the lounge and managed to scrawl a few words stating that I did not know what I was doing and I wasn�t too sure that I was in control and I needed some advice. At that point I passed out from absolute exhaustion and woke up about an hour and a half later, to find one post Laurie. She told me how proud she was of me for asking for help. I was thinking � I�m not proud of me asking for help. This could mean weight gain and fat. Then she gave me some numbers of eating disorder clinics � one was a Perth number and the other was a Brisbane number. I tried the Brisbane number, but for some reason it was no longer connected. I reread the post � she told me to go to the hospital if I needed to because I was probably dehydrated. So I rang the ambulance � they came pretty quickly. They are only stationed about 1km away from my home, so they came really quick, in about three minutes, and put me on some sort of drip straight away. They were asking me so many questions and my head was spinning and I couldn�t think through it all. I passed out in the ambulance. Then I was wheeled into the emergency room and shoved in one corner while they worked out what they were going to do with me. I was not quite with it but I am pretty sure that I heard someone say �She doesn�t look like she will live, I don�t like her chances�. Then they tried to give me something to eat. There was no way I could eat. I felt so violently ill. Then, next thing, they are shoving tubes into me and force feeding me. It was absolutely horrible � it really was a nightmare. I felt so out of control and right then and there, I really wanted to die. I would have been quite happy to. I was really, really mad at myself at that point for ringing the ambulance. I wanted to pull the tubes out and run out of the hospital but I had absolutely no strength in me. So I just lay there while they wheeled me into the critical care unit and hook me up to all the other machines, heart monitor, etc. The whole time I was completely out of it and delusional. I could not speak or say anything. I was told later on that my speech was so slurred. I was also told that my heart had shrunk dramatically and I was at risk of heart failure. I stayed about three days in the ccu, the whole time with these horrible tubes down my nose � then I was transferred to the mental health ward where everything just happened way too quickly. So many meetings were scheduled with so many people and I just did not have time to think through it all. I was just pushed from one area to another. I really did not have a say in any of it at all. It was at that point that I decided that I was going to try and do everything that I could to get out of the hospital and I was not going to come back. My GP was called in, a nutritionist, a therapist, and my case manager (who sat with me for about 3 hours and compiled my life history of basically everything that happened in my life). Then we all sat in a meeting for over an hour and discussed what my treatment plan was going to be. At that point they decided to keep me in hospital until I built up a reasonable amount of strength. From the way they were talking, they did not believe that I would be able to deal with recovery until I was adequately nourished. I was thinking the while time, this is horrible, I want to get out of here. How can I convince them to release me from this hell? I spoke up and said. �I have a job to get back to. Is there any way that I can do this as an outpatient?� I was trying to appear strong. They discussed it and came up with a plan where I had to see each of them almost every day for about four weeks. They said can you commit to that? I said yes. They asked me, are you willing to get better? I again told them that I would do all that it took. They said that they would look at my case more and get back to me, if they would allow me to be released.

I went from that meeting, unsure as to whether they would allow me to go home or not. Then when the Dr on duty came around, I talked to him and explained my situation. I lied and said I felt heaps better and explained that we had come up with a recovery plan and could I be released. He looked at some forms, signed them, and next thing I know I was out of there. I have since heard that this doctor is under review for releasing me so early.

My case manager, rang me up that afternoon absolutely amazed and shocked that I was released so early and asked if I would come back for inpatient treatment. I said that I would not, but that I would go in for outpatient treatment. She then said that she had a meeting with my team to discuss things. She got back to me later that afternoon with a plan. I was just thinking the whole time � there is absolutely no way I am going back to that prison cell.

Then I went onto the forum to let Laurie know that I was alive, but told her that I wasn�t planning on going back to treatment. Then I got a heap of responses from a number of different people. It amazed that someone cared � after receiving a total of no missed calls and no messages left on my phone � so I cried and cried and cried and went to work and resigned. Then went back to the hospital to discuss with them my thoughts and feelings. It was so weird. I felt like I wasn�t doing it on my own, but there was someone there with me, pushing me and putting the words into my mouth. When I got home, I was completely shocked that I had just resigned from work. I was in a really bizarre state.

And now everything else has happened that you have read in the forum.

It has been very challenging and hard. June, my therapist, told me that I needed to be honest with myself and others. This was so hard to hear and I got mad at her, I later apologised. She told me that if I wanted to recover, I needed to be honest and stop using the same cover ups that I have been using for the last couple of years. We have been trying to work out what those cover ups are and trying to eliminate them from my way of thinking and surviving. These sessions have been extremely painful. I really don�t understand how I manage to survive through them. But I am happy with the results. I have a very long way to go, but I have all of a sudden decided that I am better off in hospital than at home. I don�t have the strength to get through it on my own. I need all the support that I can get. I am actually looking forward to enjoying my life as it used to be.

I was given some quiet time a few days ago and had to write down what the eating disorder had given me and what the eating disorder had taken away from me. I learned so much from this exercise.

Anyway, this post is very long. Know that I am happy, finally, with where I am and am looking forward to being able to live my life to the full again. Thankyou All � I am so grateful for all of you and I consider you all my friends.

Laura

Laura, your post is the finest literature I have read in years. I know it makes all of us here at Bella feel as if we have really made a tiny difference in someone's life. But, you, dear are the one who did the work and must continue doing the work. All we did is kick you in the a$$.
Congratulations to you for all you have done. You have indeed started getting real control of your problems and yourself. Do the work, get healthier and healthier.
Be well, my friend. And keep writing.

Yep. What she said. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Laura,

Thank you for writing about your experience! How scary - I had tears in my eyes as I read it. I'm so glad you got help when you did, before it was too late.

I know exactly what you mean about the therapy sessions being painful -- I've been there. I resented my counselor and wanted to quit. It helped to write how I felt about her, and why she was such a pain in the [censored]. It especially helped to tell her what I thought of her! She was great - I think they know not to take things personally. You're dealing with alot of stuff, and of course you'll get emotional about it. It's natural and understandable.

It was so weird that you wrote that day, because that was the second time in 15 minutes that I heard of pro-anorexia sites! I hadn't heard of them before, and right before I read your post, I read a Newsweek article about those sites.

I'm thinking of writing about the pro-anorexia sites, but don't to give them more publicity. What do you think? Would it be harmful or helpful to write about them?

Keep writing, Laura. You're a brave, strong, and courageous princess warrior!

Laurie

WOW! You go girl! You are amazing!

Hi all

I�m getting there. YEA!!! I�m expected to stay in hospital for another 6-8 weeks. I am not worried about this though. I originally wanted to get out as quickly as possible, but I am now starting to really enjoy the experience and the length of time in hospital is not so much of an issue anymore. I am meeting a lot of people with a number of different challenges and I am really enjoying learning about them and their experiences. It really helps to hear others experiences. It is so nice to forget about yourself for a moment and listen to someone else and try and be a support link for them.

My therapist tells me that I have made wonderful progress and is very proud of me for how far I have come. The doctor tells me that I am gaining a lot more strength and health everyday.

June pointed out to me that as soon as I decided that I wanted to recover � about one week ago � things have changed dramatically and I am making remarkable progress.

Don�t get me wrong, I still struggle with this everyday � I have just simply made a positive decision that I do want to live a full and happy life and that just seems to make all the difference. It also has a lot to do with the fact that I finally have some time where I can go out of the hospital and spend some time alone by myself doing the things that I enjoy doing.

Nurses and doctors have also been giving me a lot more freedom even though I am still waiting for the day when I can eat a meal with no one watching me. I supposed they had to be quite forceful because I was in an extremely fragile state.

As for the pro-ana sites:

I think that it would be good to write about these sites. But, on saying this, it is an area where you will need to tread very, very carefully. If you could take a completely different approach to the news articles it may be a lot more beneficial. I am just trying to think of an appropriate way to do this. If someone has an eating disorder and they don�t want to recover, it is not going to make any difference what you write. They may believe you, but their eating disorder is a lot more important to them and they are willing to risk their life to keep it. I know � I have been there, done that. My concern though is that they may cling to these sites and find it even harder to find the strength to let go and ask for help (as did I).

I never believed that pro-ana sites were a particularly bad thing. It was often talked about as a lifestyle choice to be anorexic or bulimic. Some of them offered advice on how to stay as healthy as possible despite the fact that you were starving yourself. (even though I now realise that it is not possible) Others were just downright horrible. They tell you that you are fat and you are not allowed to go near that food and you are a stupid *&%# for even thinking about food.

But since being in hospital, I have gained a lot of knowledge on how to treat my body correctly (I go to nutrition classes almost every day).

What these sites do is make you believe that your eating disorder is a lifestyle choice and they offer �supportive� places to go and talk to people with the same issues. They make you believe that there is a healthy way to starve yourself. They offer tips for hiding your eating disorder, they offer extremely low calorie or negative calorie recipes, tips for exercising longer, excuses for getting out of eating with others. The list goes on and on. I used to love these sites. It came up in a session with June one day and she told me that when I went home next I had to delete all of them from my computer. I didn�t do this at my first opportunity as I was quite scared to give it up. But last Tuesday, I managed to do it and so I deleted about 30 of them from my favourites. That was a really hard thing to do. They were my major source of inspiration and encouragement for so long. I felt like I was giving up my very best friend.

But, it is now part of my history, and not my present or my future. I need to look forward and realise that if I were to continue to go to these sites, my progress would be hindered and I would most likely relapse. I have decided that I have worked too hard to relapse. I am in this for the long haul. It is so amazing to me how my perspective has completely changed from just a few weeks ago. I suppose you could say that I am finally starting to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I have a new outlook on life. I am starting to feel that happiness that comes from living a life free of addiction. I am learning that an eating disorder is the same as an addiction and just as deadly.

Pro-ana sites are also addictive. I am so used to them, that they have become such a part of my life, that I really need to work hard to ensure that I never visit these sites again.

Anyway, I have rambled on a bit.

Be careful when writing about these sites. Imagine that someone is using these sites. How would you educate them about a happier lifestyle? It is really hard for me to think of an appropriate way to write about them because once someone is in the thick of an eating disorder, if they learn about a site that will help them to continue and one that tells them that they do not have to recover, then they will have selective hearing. They will not hear the part about how damaging they can be � or even if they do, by now they have learnt to ignore it. They will only hear that there is a site out there that tells them that they can continue doing what they are doing, that they do not have to recover, and that there are others who have eating disorders who will share tips and encourage you to hold strong to your eating disorder.

I think that maybe if you wrote about them as if you were talking one on one with a sufferer, than it may be a lot more effective. That there is a happier way to live, that life can be improved. It is so hard because there are so many underlying issues with these disorders and everyone responds to different things.

Well, I am going to stop now because I am repeating myself.

Laurie. I really do hope this helps. Go with your gut feeling. Do what you think is right and I am sure that it will be wonderful.

Thankyou for your encouragement and your wonderful responses. They have really made my day. Thankyou Jan for your compliment, although I do not know that my post is the finest literature, it is just simply my thoughts at this time. And thankyou for the kick in the A$$. I suppose I needed it. Thankyou Alexandra for your ditto as well. I appreciate it. Thankyou Laurie for your wonderful support and words - I really do not know where I would be now without it at this moment. Thankyou Anamaree for your words also. I do not know that I am wonderful, I am simply doing what I need to be doing.

If there is one thing that I would love to say to sufferers, there is hope. You may feel like you have gotten down to deep, but there is a way out. I can�t particularly talk because I have still got a long, long way to go. But I have started and I can see the differences already. I am looking forward to living a fulfilling, rewarding, happy life that was not possible a few weeks ago when I was literally on deaths door.

Regardless of what has happened in your past, there is hope for the future. Hold strong and look forward, never looking back. We can change. We can be happy, and continue to stay happy.

Laura