BellaOnline Forums Health and Fitness Autism Spectrum Disorders Why do Mother's get the blame?

My son graduated high school yesterday. It is a big deal because we were told when he was 3 he would never go to school. He has Asperger, thyroid problems, etc. His main problem now is social interaction. Has had a couple jobs, but did not stay too long. Wanted to talk on the cell phone or listed to his music during the job. Would get upset when we kept it home. Anyways, he did not work at all this past Senior year. Now that school is over my husband wants him to work, which I totally agree. But, my husband blames me that Michael has NO interest in his future or to work. I am pushing the college deal and my husband thinks we should let him work... But, my son made honors and is smart. He loves computer and I think he s hould go to college. I don't think it is right that I am to be blamed for a social problem. I really think my husband is in denial that my son is different and wants a "normal" son. But, really, what is normal??? I think it is up to the parents to give our kids a push if they have no "future" plans. I don't think I should have to give up my life or hobbies to "babysit" my 18 1/2 year old son. I guess this is just a vent posting.... <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I can sympathize with you. We have been hit hard with our Michael's recent episodes, and have come to the realization that he may not be able to function normally in society as an adult - it is terrifying.

I don't know if it always falls on the Mom, but it usually falls on one parent more than the other, because parents tend to automatically take up the roles of enforcer/ nurturer - most often being male/female, although it can swap genders from time to time. And of course in a single parent household, the one parent is both!

And if your son has made it through High School, your husband may be thinking "the hard part is over, whew!"

Who does your son talk to on the cell phone? If it is a select few friends, you might point out to your husband that this is his "safety net" that he calls whenever stress builds up (like when at a job that he is not able to handle - and a public service job like Fast Food would be terribly difficult for someone with Asperger's!) The same thing with his music - music has long been shown to be soothing for kids with autism and autistic like disorders. It is a world they can escape into when the real world becomes too difficult. My son escapes into his drawings instead of music - he draws comics.

For a part time job he is working with my mother in her catering business - but not in the part where he would be interracting with the customers - because she knows that would be too much for him, but helping to load and unload and do the heavy lifting; things that are fairly solitary and don't require much stress - and actually help burn off some of the endorphins and testosterone that build up during moments of stress.

But you are correct in thinking that a computer education would be useful - these kids are often whizzes at that, because they inherently understand math and the computers. The only problem is, it doesn't help them with their socialization problems, it sinks them further into their own world. It's a hard line to walk. If he could find some activities to get involved with (and on a college campus there is everything to choose from) that would help out tremendously!

You, your husband, and your son should probably sit down with a counselor who specializes in Asperger's and talk about specifically what the future is going to look like. Your son is a man now, he needs to face, or at least start to, what is going to be the rest of his life, and try to take charge of as much of it as he can. Looking at some realistic goals now can go a long way towards that.

Good luck and keep me posted on what's happening!

Hey Tina - Have you read the book, Realizing the College Dream with Autism or Asperger Syndrome?

I got it a month ago through Amazon.

I found this article from Temple Grandin,.

Making the Transition from the World of School into the World of Work

http://www.autism.org/temple/transition.html

I am printing a copy now for myself.

Good luck, we are discussing college now and my son is finishing fourth grade.

Tina, first of all, tell your son we said

"CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATE, ON A JOB WELL DONE!!"

That is a wonderful accomplishment! Great advice about following up with computer instruction, since he loves that. He is more likely to pursue that as a "hobby enrichment" for preparation for employment. There are many jobs available for a person with interest, skills and education. He can get alot of education online, once he knows what courses he needs. That way he can listen to music (like my son does also), and set up his own schedule.

Michelle, your advice and ideas are excellent. Secondly, Graduation from high school usually makes fathers think of sons making money or earning their keep, starting to plan for their future by working and making a living. Mothers always want their sons to get more education before they get into the workplace. College is usually what we think of, but sometimes our children need some alternative help. They can still get wonderful assistance from college, if they know which direction to head.

Tina, I feel like I'm starting to ramble, I'm so tired. My 1st thoughts when I read this was how great and clear your post was and sincere and helpful Michelle's ideas came across. I could visualize nephews of mine with similar problems that had become very successful working with computers. They had problems with social interaction but were very smart (or motivated, interested or whatever makes them excel). Because they were loners, they did well with computers. Anyway, there are courses of studies that your son could take that would prepare him for independence in the work force. Many of those courses are available online. Check with a community college counselor, maybe one that works with special students, as Michelle suggested, and see what programs, degrees, etc are available and which ones could be independent studies and/or online courses.

College, per se, much like high school, might be overwhelming for your son whereas online courses might be just the ticket. He would only need to go occassionally to campus for meetings and a couple of other necessary classes. Socially, I think he will be fine, because college is so much different than high school. Besides, once he finishes school and starts work, he will be in a different world and will be able to find friends with similar interests, and even a spouse, if he desires.

Anyway, I'm way ahead of myself. One of my nephews is now happily married with 2 cute kids. His wife is "quiet" and different like he is but they are happy and the kids are very well adjusted. He loves working out computer problems and video games.

I hope this somehow gives you some peace of mind. No one should feel like a babysitter for a young man in college. However, I understand some of what you are going through because my son wanted to get more of an education and his dad thought that he should be working. He went to college for one year while he was working and decided it was too hard, so he quit school and joined the police dept as a cadet. When he finished the academy next year, they will pay for his college (while he works). I felt like a babysitter the whole year that my son was in college because he was tired working and wanted to make more money and study less. I was always on him about his studies. He is SO happy now. He loves what he is doing. That is what our children should do...find something that they love and pursue it as an occupation.

God bless you. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you and your children!

Peace! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trish

Fight the power!! If I had listened to the doctors whan Lauryn was 18 months and was not saying a word She still will not be able to talk. When I use to sit in her IEP meetings, I did not let them TELL me what they thought she will or will not do. I told them I wanted them to challange her.
All kids have to find "spot" and when your does.. he will be fine

i agree with lynn you have to tell them! you know your child better than anyone else! and i dont care if they have p.h.d. behind their names it doesnt let them know your child the way you do. you are their protector if noone will protect them who will? thanks candy