BellaOnline Forums Family Moms can anyone help with a renegade mother?

I grew up in a good household. Graduated college, and have always
worked. Not a bad lady, typically imperfect. I am almost 40, 3 years
older than my sister. I have a good job, but in the eyes of family,
incomparable with her medical profession.

I have struggled financially because I admit I don't have good money
judgment.

I am beginning to realize that my mother is an insensitive, manipulating
woman. Clearly, she always has been, but I grew up, "brought up
right";
respect your parents no matter what.

This brings me to my inability to surf that fine line between respecting
her, yet no longer taking her harrassment. I want to be able to
communicate with her in a mature matter, but no matter my input, I am
denigrated in some way. Even in most trivial matters, such as clothing.
I wish a solution beyond avoidance.

This is compounded by the fact that, for more than decade now, I've
observed that I seem to be a non-entity in my sister's estimation. The
following may sound exaggerated, but it is not. I can be in a room with
her and others, but if I try to get her attention to contribute to a
conversation, I am not heard. Totally overlooked. It doesn't depress
me so much as confuse me. I don't know if this is some sort of leftover
retribution for the sibling rivalry of our youth. She has always been
the more assertive, achievement oriented one, so there is nothing on my
end for her to envy! I'm just easy-going, and know I'm not up to the
work it would take for my lifestyle to equal hers. Yet, even though
she's always had more resources, etc, I seem to be crucified for not
making efforts, as the eldest, because I was unable to. For example, all
my friends have always understood, due to finances, I write letters
where they call. I never thought it inappropriate that the person with
the higher resources do the long distance calls, etc.

This is very complex, and I know probably more than I should be writing
here.

I honestly have not done anything malicious to these people. Yet, my
sister rarely initiates communications and, as I said, my mother does
little but find fault with me. When my sister married, they both
determined how my hair should look, yet my sister never asked once for
my opinion on anything, even if she didn't take it into consideration.

My sister has done a lot of cool things that she doesn't disclose, and I
find out in a roundabout way. I wonder sometimes if she thinks I am
holding out on things; however, because I have pretty much been
struggling all along, I'm doing well to keep my bills paid. Doesn't give
me much time to be doing outstanding things. I understand she's been
published somewhere, is working on some extra real estate deals, has a
second vacation home somewhere, etc, but I never get that call or note
that starts out, "Guess what?" I have always been pleased to share
good
news when I have it, I just have it so infrequently.

I'm a fairly good person with no addictions and no history of begging or
borrowing money from them. Yet, when there was word of my company laying
off, my loving mother could only respond, "Well, you know nobody's going
to do anything for you; financially, I mean."

Among all the other things I don't understand, I certainly don't get how
or why someone could say that to someone already in stress over the
future of their job. Yet, she has indicated she wants me to visit her at
least once a month. I cannot do this. When I spend more than 5 hours
around her, I need five days just to recuperate.

At almost 40, I find myself slightly surprised to actually wish for some
way to mediate this situation, though most of the time, she shows so
little regard for me and what matters to me, I take the easy route and
just stay away.

Your observations, interpretations, guidance will more than greatly
appreciated. Just thinking about them, especially my mother, makes my
head hurt.

Sometimes it's hard to deal with parents who are just not fair. I'm not talking about counting out the jelly beans to make sure everyone has the same number. I'm talking about not recognizing you as an individual person.

You have the right to be treated with respect. I don't care if the person disrespecting you is your mother. You cannot honor a person who treats you as a lesser human. You don't need to be rude, but you don't need to tip toe around her either.

Let us know how things are going.

Dear Useratl,
I can certainly sympathize with your situation. I grew up in a family with two younger sisters and a baby brother. We are all totally different. My sister married into a wealthy family and I noticed right away that my mother began to favor her over me and my other siblings. Our family was going to visit my littlest sister in Tennesee. My mom said that she was paying for everyone. While we were there I found out from my brother in law that he had paid for their family and had contributed some funds for my family to come as well. I was greatly offended because I felt that everyone thought we couldn't afford to do the things that the rest of the family could do. I was embarrassed. I told him so and he said that they didn't care and that my sister Wendy had wanted me to come and was more than willing tohelp my mom out. My husband and I decided to ourselves that we weren't going to accept any more charity from my mother after that. A few years after that, I happened to be talking to my sister on the phone,(she called me) and I told her about the conversation I had with her husband in Tennesee. She confessed to knowing about how I felt but not wanting to embarrass me further by bringing it up then. She also told me about how hard it was for her to deal with my mother popping over every time she felt like it. How my sisters family had no privacy. She then told me how she had always been jealous of my independance and how it never seemed like I ever needed moms approval. I realized then that she needed my mother's approval more than I did and that since I had been feeling like mom liked her more than me I had kept myself from having a relationship with my sister separate from what my moms opinion of us all was. We now have a great re4altionship and we don't worry about when mom cuts me down and compares me to Wendy. In fact, Wendy sometimes comes to my defense when she thinks mom goes to far.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that my mom couldn't help but lomp onto my sister's life and she didn't mean to push me away. And when I got some perspective, I was able to see that their relationship was nothing like the one I could have with them both. It can still be strained with my mom but now I know that my mother has my sister to go to and I don't need that. I realized that I am far strionger than my mother and I ONLY HAVE HER TO THANK!!! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />