BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships so confused...

hello everyone, I'm new to the site...just wondering if someone could possibly advise me.

I'll try to be as brief as possible. I am recently divorced since last July/04. but, I din't receive my final divorce papers until December/04. I decided to finally call it quits after an 11 year marriage without any children. My ex-husband made that decision himself. Well, I was so frustrated and ####@@&&** I could just scream--------
Anyways, I ended up going out with one of his not so close friends and we decided that we would marry once my divorce was finalized. This ex-boyfriend wanted the same things in life as myself. Last year in May/04, out of the blue he broke up with me and his reasons were that he could not wait any longer for the divorce and that he was moving on, that he wanted to get married, have a family etc. Naturally, I became a complete basket case and went into a deep depression. In the meantime, I found out that my ex-husband had suffered a heart attack and finally required a difibulator. We have started sort of seeing eachother again, but, the fact still remains that he does not want to have children, he is very selfish in more ways than one. I have since began writing a letter to this ex-boyfriend in hopes of mailing it to him. I am so confused as to what to do next. Within, a month or two, or at least I think, my ex-boyfriend has started dating this woman whom he dated a few years back, she is not of the same faith as he and I are (we are both Jewish), I was devastated upon hearing that he was still seeing her. I just cannot get him out-of-my-mind and I know in my heart that I still love him. Please advise as to what I should do, if someone would like me to post the letter (private), then please email me...thanks to all
Regards,
pharm4u

You don't need a man to be happy. You need to take some time to figure out yourself first and then worry about the relationship stuff. And by the way not wanting kids is not selfish.

Hi, Pharm,
You are to be commended for posting your situation on this site. I don't blame you for pursuing the divorce. If you want children, and the exhubby didn't, then you are within your rights to move on, especially if you feel he was selfish and if there was no emotional connection.

The new exboyfriend sounds selfish also!!!!As one of my friends in another forum said so eloquently..."Mr. Right don't run away!!" If this man truly loved you, he would be willing to wait till your divorce was final, would be supportive and there for you!!!

I've recently been thru an experience with a man after 8 years of singlehood since my divorce. I fell head-over-heels in love (and I'm age 54). He revealed to me that he "wasn't in love with me," and I have been dealing with the aftermath now for a couple of months. I admit that I have written to him via email several times, which has resulted in more humiliation on my part. Don't continue to think about our contact this new man!

I went on Amazon.com and bought a bunch of books on the subject. One: "HE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU." It's okay for a boost in your ego and in feeling like you deserve better. Another I highly recommend is "DON'T CALL THAT MAN." I think it is actually better for seeing things clearly, especially if you are in the mindset, like I have been, to seek communication with the fella who is not interested.

Let him go.

Kat has suggested seeking contentment within yourself. That is good advice, and the same to which I am striving right now. I had spent three years in solitude away from any male contact, and I was truly content, at peace, and very happy and balanced before I met this man I've mentioned. My experience with him was that he was emotionally unavailable. The more I tried to elicit a response from him, the more he withdrew. Any comforting words from him would have calmed me, but there were none. He is a Ph.D. in Psychology, and I felt from the start that he was "analyzing" me. My "neediness" must have drove him away, but I was not prepared for a sexual involvement so soon after initially meeting him, despite the intense physical attraction I felt. It seemed to be mutual, and so I guess it was just a wild sexual fling for him. It was much more for me. Now I am reaping the results of it, and trying to move on. My emails to him have resulted in unemotional, clinical-sounding, noncommital responses, and I know, unless I contact him, I will never hear from him again. It's like a DEATH, really, but i know I must let it go. I will NOT send another message his way. The fact is HE DOESN'T WANT ME!!!

Do you want to pursue a man who doesn't want you? I think not. I don't either!!

ARI

I would have to agree with what the ladies have said here. Maybe you just need a "me" break instead of bouncing back and forth. If your ex boyfriend was really commited to you, he could have stuck around. My question to him would be "why are you in such a big hurry to get married anyway?"

Unless there's more to this story than I got here, why is your ex selfish for not wanting kids? Selfish, perhaps, if he lead you by telling you he wanted them and not being truthful about it, but not just for the act of not wanting kids.