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#113963 - 04/04/02 11:36 PM Retired Hubby a Problem?
rs Offline

Registered: 09/21/04
Posts: 1
Sometimes, couples in long term marriages find themselves at odds with one another when the husband retires.

Has this happened to you?

#113964 - 04/26/02 05:17 PM Re: Retired Hubby a Problem?
lcat2004 Offline

Registered: 09/21/04
Posts: 6
This happened to friends of my family. He sort of lost his focus and became cranky and wanted to do his own thing. She wanted him to be happier, and to help around the house with chores he'd always put off.
Conny Manero
author of
Waiting for Silverbird

#113965 - 01/11/03 10:12 PM Re: Retired Hubby a Problem?
Mindy Offline

Registered: 11/24/04
Posts: 115
Loc: Canada
What a great topic. What to do when you had time alone and now you have become two. It is not easy to make that adjustment, especially if the relationship is not that close.
I went through this when my husband became ill, and had a liver transplant. It has been over four years since his surgery and he was unable to return to work due to his medication.
I found myself always going some place. Church, shopping, the library, anything to go and get away for awhile. I can see now instead of finding the real me, I was running away.
Someone to talk to would have been ideal, but there was no one. I say find a support group for your self and the way you are feeling.
I later became ill myself and am now disabled and can no longer drive or go anywhere alone. So we are two more than we ever were and we still are not close.
Finding a world of computer friends to be positive with is my way of dealing. Posting about things that are me, no one else, like my inner child and self. Seeing the world through the eyes of this computer and seeing my friends worlds through their eyes. We have become unconditional friends. Accepting who we are, not judging what we look like, how we live, our race, creed, or color.
I keep all the negative think away from my internet world. I also use the computer into the wee hours of the morning. It is quiet, I can think better and I am finding the me that has been waiting to emerge from her cocoon.
No matter if the other half is around or I am alone. My interests are different from his and his from mine. I am positive and will someday be a beautiful butterfly. Can't stop me now!

#113966 - 01/07/05 05:02 PM Re: Retired Hubby a Problem?
Labrador_Retriever_Admirer Offline

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 2
The radio show I heard said the reason couples are not close after 30 or more years of marriage is that their personalities are totally different. You need to meet people with the same interests as yourself. People marry for reasons other than having the exact same long-term interests in a subject, topic, hobby, career, or other thing outside of their relationship, like archaeology for example.
Organizational Communications Managment Educator

#113967 - 04/28/05 10:25 AM Re: Retired Hubby a Problem?
sophielago Offline

Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Northern California
This is such a frequent problem. I hope we'll hear from some people who've overcome it.

I suspect one of the causes is that men generally have a lot more invested in their work as their identity, and they feel a bit lost without that structure. One couple I know is happiest doing a lot of traveling, with him doing most of the planning, another takes a lot of classes (separately). Getting him involved in politics could help, too.

Does everybody know about Elderhostel's trips and classes? I'm planning an article on that soon.

Sophie, Senior Living editor

#113968 - 06/29/05 01:52 PM Re: Retired Hubby a Problem?
Stephanie Austin Offline

Registered: 11/30/03
Posts: 395
Loc: Washington DC
I agree that this is a frequent problem and I think it's natural. When you are used to living your life a certain way and then all the sudden your spouse is around 24/7, it's difficult. I think part of it might be a matter of adjusting. I actually found an interesting article that talks about some of tips from couples who have been married for 50 years. Thought it might be interesting - http://www.aarpmagazine.org/people/Articles/a2004-11-17-mag-everafter.html
I ♥ www.luxeluthor.com

#113969 - 01/17/06 07:31 AM Re: Retired Hubby a Problem?
almond Offline

Registered: 09/02/04
Posts: 7
I feel it's a normal problem. Being together in the same home everyday changes feelings for one another. Especially if you are not in good health and cannot be active to go out and socialize. I find it very sad.

#113970 - 06/27/06 02:28 AM Re: Retired Hubby a Problem?
toetapping Offline

Registered: 06/06/06
Posts: 311
Loc: Gold Coast. Australia.
Ten years ago my husband retired. We both thought what are we going to do under each others feet all the time. He had a responsible job, people under him and so did I. All of a sudden we were in charge of nothing.

12 months went by and we had to do something. I took up dancing and the computer. My husband played golf and the computer. We met different people, made good friends and my husband and I are very close, perhaps we wouldn't have been if we did not make the effort to have different interests...........Have a Nice Day.
Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them
but you always know they are there.


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