BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Am I being too suspicious?

I have been married for almost a year now. About six months ago, my husband had to move back to his country to have a new job. I'm expecting a child and lately we started having many problems promarily because of the interference of his family.

A few weeks ago, he added his mobile number to his ICQ profile, which actually has no apparent reason but to meet girls on-line.

First of all, my husband doesn't have much time to chat on the Internet. knowing him and his habits very well, I can tell that there's definitely something fishy about putting his private cellular on ICQ. It's a way of getting attention and I don't think that male chatters would be interested to get to know him.

Besides, he only uses ICQ to talk to his friends and family.

Sorry I forgot to add this:

Am I being too suspicious or is it unusual that people disclose their mobile no in a public chat program as the ICQ?

Thanks

Having a long distance relationship is really hard to do, especially when you are so new in a relationship. It takes an amazing amount of commitment and trust.

It is definitely unusual for someone to put out their personal phone # in a public place like ICQ. The last thing I would ever want is people I don't know calling me up, unless the whole aim was for me to be talking to unknown, strange people.

I would have a serious talk with him. He is the father of your child and a husband who has made serious vows to you. He is responsible for being loyal and honorable and for keeping you foremost in his thoughts. If he's already out looking for other women after such a short period of time, it doesn't bode well ...

Why aren't you with him? If you two are about to have a family together, the last thing you want to be is far apart. Especially as you head into the critical stage of your pregnancy ... I really think it's time you guys are really together, go to a couple's therapist and get this problem settled.

Well, it's a little bit complicated. When we got married it was no problem where we would stay as long as we're together.
But we chose to stay in my country, just because I had a small fortune of mine (not really a big deal but enough to get us started). But thanks to him, all the money was evaporated, I helped with my passiveness too, as he had my credit card and he was the one responsible for controlling our budget.

So when the going got tough, we decided that he would move back to his country and when I'm finished with my work (I'm a university teacher) I would join him there.

What really turned all these plans upside down was my short visit to his family. I saw that he was under their domination and he couldn't make the slightest move without their consent.

They were hypocrite with me, as they showed a welcome they never felt. And they did and still doing their best to separate us.

What really concerns me is that he dosn't show me much respect any more, nor does he show real care for the coming baby.
Besides, he's denying all his responsibilities as a husband and a father and he's content to flood me with promises I know he's incapable of keeping.

And then comes my doubt about his faithfulness. I can feel that nothing would stop him from betraying me and the proof is that he's openly looking for adventures through Internet, meaning that in real life he must be also trying his luck.

I'm thinking of having divorce, but the question is, is this marriage worth given another chance, not for me or him, but for the baby who deserves a mother and a father under one roof?

So what you are saying is:

Your husband has ran up debt that you are responsible for, spent your money, went back home and is advertising his number for people to call him.

You tell me what that sounds like and if you and your baby deserve this.

Well, the question of debt is so complicated too. Before we got married, he called me one day and asked for help because of a very big phone bill. He put it that way "It's our responsibility you and me and since you have a lot of money you should pay it because the bill is about our long distance calls"

To tell you the truth I felt so bad and I had doubts about the whole story. But instead of saying no, I think I made the first of my long seies of mistakes and I did sent him 2/3 of the money he wanted.
He wasn't very happy with what I did as he wanted the whole sum, and he expressed his disapointment many times to me and to my sister later.

Then he took a "tiny" loan from the bank, which I found not worth it, as it was too small to be a loan in the first place. But he told me that it would be his small participation in the marriage as he practically owned no money, though he was making a good living. But he said he was helping his family and that he was spending all his income to live to a good standard! which, in my point of view, was hard to see, as he even, at that time, did not own a car!

As I told you after marriage, all my money plus the loan of the bank were fully spent and he left me without a penny except my salary and a small monthly income from a heritage.
I don't really complain, as I am an independant woman and my familly supports me. My mother tries to help me furnish my house (as we hadn't done that) and she, my brother and my sister bought me all my baby's needs.

Lately when I asked him about his debts, he shocked me when admitting that he hadn't paid the phone bill with the money I had sent him, but instead, he used it to buy the plane ticket and the presents he brought me (!) and the rest was the money he claimed to be the loan of the bank!
And now he has another set of debts, as he bought a car and he had to have little help from his friends! As I refused to give him a penny this time, not because I didn't want to but because he had had already some money from my mother when he left and I don't have money any more.

I told him that he should support us, me and the baby, financially. And even if he has debts now, he takes a very good salary and he can cut its biggest part to pay the debts and send us a small sum. I told him that I didn't hesitate for a moment to give him all what I had.

His reaction was really weird and silly. He kept asking me to join me where he is without any garantees (a house, facilities, stability of any kind). And for the money he told me that his debts were my responsibility (I can't still see how) but he, out of his bravery, will take it upon himself to pay them alone! And that he made tremendous sacrifices for me, leaving his country, his home and his family and for that only I should be grateful and join him in whichever circumstances.

No, I don't think me and my baby deserve this, not at all. I may have made the worst choices in my life but I'm not ready to make my child suffer because of a selfish and irresponsible father.

It really does sound like this guy is trying to use you - and no matter what you try to say to him he will twist it so that he is the martyr and you are the one owing him everything. Arguing with him is seeming to be pretty useless. I suppose at this point I would count myself lucky that I discovered it before he truly destroyed my life and my child's life and call it a lesson learned, and get out of it.

It sounds like you will do FAR better on your own than you could possibly do with this leech sucking the life blood out of you and your family. Undoubtedly you'll find a much better person to be with and you and your child will have a much happier life without him.

Just my 2 cents ...

We've been separated for more than 6 months now and I'm really more stabilized without him. I can't deny that at first I missed him so much, but then with all the arguments and his awful insensitivity to the fact that I'm pregnant hardened my heart.

Now I live better (at least no one yells at me any more), I was able to use my income in a better way. I even managed to save a small sum of money. The daily stress is nearly gone. I have balanced relationships with my family and friends.
I say that because he tried so hard to break up all my family and friendship relations, except that with my mother whom he loves and respects.

I don't mean to make him look so bad, but sometimes I feel he needs help. He has many good qualities, he's intelligent, highly educated, resourceful, with a very good sens of humor, he likes to help the poor and the helpless and we promised ourselves to foster parent an orphan when things get better.

I don't know if that man whom I loved ever existed or it was just an act to get what he wanted.

Any way, Lisa, thanks for your help. Your words really made me feel much better. At least you gave me an objective opinion.