logo

Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
When it is too late, it gets worse #476306
12/17/08 03:54 PM
12/17/08 03:54 PM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 306
Luxembourg
S
Solalux Offline OP
Shark
Solalux  Offline OP
Shark
S

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 306
Luxembourg
I never wanted to have children. Ever. it was the only thing I was sure about in my life. I was, as far back as I can remember disgusted by the thought of pregnancy and birth. And that was never a problem for me, except when friends started to get pregnant and I had to fake to be happy for them. The fact that my interest in children was non existent made me really hard to understand why they were willingly going through such an ordeal.

But then I met my husband. We were both 33. And he wanted to have children. And then came the guilt feelings. I really loved him (still do) and I felt bad that because of me, he could be missing something that seems to be so great for others. Not to mention a certain fear to loose him in the long run. Let�s face i, it is a myth that women always want to have children and men have to be talked into it. Most men want children. Did I really want to risk to spend the rest of my life alone?
And then, you know, you have been hearing your whole life how wonderful is to have kids, right? and not only from people who really had a baby wish. You are always hearing stories about people who never wanted to have children and then they had them somehow and now they think it was the best thing they ever did.
Oh! and who hasn't heard how labor pains are forgotten when you have your child in your arms?
So I started to have doubts about my own wishes. And eventually got pregnant.
Not even 5 minutes was I happy about being pregnant. When I found out, I felt sooo bad that I was taking anti depressive medication. Then, thank the hormones I guess, I was for the most part in a state of indolent denial with occasional breakdowns. I made no secret of it, told everybody. And people kept giving me deadlines: "when you see the first echography you will be moved", "when it starts moving it is so exciting". I was never excited, moved, I never felt curiosity about what he or she would look like, I never made one of those pre birth courses... I just didn't want to be reminded that it was going to happen, and even worse, to be with women who were looking forward to having a child, no understanding there! Buying baby things was enough to put me in a hysterical mood for days. My only consolation was to see my husband so excited (although he also had his ups and downs seeing me) My hope, and everybody was totally sure about it (specially my husband) was, that when I saw the kid I would love him and feel better. I knew it wouldn't be immediately, as everybody led me to believe, but with a little time...
Birth took 35 hours and it was a lot worse than in my worst nightmares. When it was over I couldn't believe or understand why the midwives were congratulating me. They gave me the child and I felt it was not polite to say "I don�t want him" so i had him a couple of seconds and then handed it over to my husband, who couldn't hide his emotion, and turned over in bed. I stayed in the hospital 2 or 3 days and I cried all the time. I refused to breastfeed, and had to fake interest in the baby, it was too embarrassing with everybody so excited all around me. Out of a strong sense of responsability, I took care of the baby almost from the beginning, and after a few months I could feel love for him (at the beginning I just felt sorry for him)
My son is now 20 months and I am not a monster, so I love him. But I am still taking medication, going to therapy, and, although I can be happy most of the time, I still have breakdowns every time somebody announces she is pregnant. I feel so inappropriate!!! Not to mention I have no interest in sex. And I was a veeery sexual person. Now everything reminds me of the horror. I really miss not having children, the sex and the freedom!
I know how difficult is to be understood when you don't want to have children, I had to hear: "you will change your mind" since I was 9. And then two years of hearing it also from the man you love, fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to have a part of us both in our hands. He just couldn't get it. I told him, "you think it is romantic, to me it is horrible that someone who says to love me, would be happy to see me suffer like that.
Neither my psychiatrist nor my psychologist have found a group of people with a similar problem. This forum is the closest thing, but then, childfree people could go: your problem for doing something you didn't want.
I am just an example of how much pressure a woman has to take. I refuse to believe I am the only woman who didn't want to have a child but caved in. But maybe I am the only one with regrets!!!


Last edited by Solalux; 12/17/08 04:05 PM.
Living Without Children - Automated Note
For New Visitors: This forum exists as a support community for people who are living a child-free existence. This area is here to help nurture, inspire and educate those who, for whatever reason, are living their lives without children in the home.

Posts made here must be supportive of this lifestyle choice. Comments should not question a person's decision to or reasons for being child free. Those negative comments are called "bingoing" or "trolling" and are not allowed. Please be sure you are aware of this forum's intentions and rules before posting!

Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: Solalux] #476340
12/17/08 05:48 PM
12/17/08 05:48 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 81
Y
yotagrl22re Offline
Amoeba
yotagrl22re  Offline
Amoeba
Y

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 81
Solalux, I am sorry to hear about your story. I wish I could be that person to give you all kinds of words of wisdom, but I can only imagine what you are going through.

I don't think there would be that many people here that would tell you "your problem for doing something you didn't want"
Most of the people here are very understanding, non-judgmental, and wise.

I think there are probably other women who feel like you do. Keep searching! I hope you find someone to share with and that can truly understand what you are feeling.

Last edited by yotagrl22re; 12/17/08 05:50 PM.

yota
Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: Solalux] #476547
12/18/08 04:12 AM
12/18/08 04:12 AM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 45
USA
LoveChildfree Offline
Newbie
LoveChildfree  Offline
Newbie

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 45
USA
Solalux, I'm sorry to hear about your situation too, and I hope you are able to find all of the things you are looking for (friendship, comfort, peace). I think many of us in this forum can identify with the pressure you felt.

I am sure you are not the only one who is going through what you are feeling, but I would guess that most mothers would not admit to it.

I have a friend who never wanted to have children but found herself unexpectedly pregnant despite being on the pill. She didn't realize it until she was about 3 months along; she told me that she would have had an abortion except that by 3 months she felt it was really too late. Her child is now about 6 months old, and she does some of the "normal mom" things (shows pictures, talk to the other moms about motherhood and diapers and things like that), but during and after the pregnancy I never heard her express anything about how great it was to be pregnant, to give birth, to meet her baby. It always seemed that she was just adapting and nothing more. While she was pregnant she often talked about how overwhelming the idea of parenthood was. Now that the child is here, she always talks about how stressful it is to be a mother and how she never gets any sleep. I do think she loves her child, but I often wonder if she is at all happy about being a mother.

Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: LoveChildfree] #476656
12/18/08 07:37 PM
12/18/08 07:37 PM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
Q
Qrious Offline
Newbie
Qrious  Offline
Newbie
Q

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
Solslux, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm also married to a child-wanting man, who is now pushing for a family, having lived in denial of my very open feelings on this issue. I found this forum while wondering if I was really the only woman on earth who didn't want children, and your post struck me.

I can absolutely empathise with your reaction to pregnancy and birth, and I want to thank you, because I really needed to think about what it means to do something so visceral when you really don't want to. All of a sudden it's hit home to me how little happiness my husband would or should get watching me go through this. I wish you all the best, and hope you find what you need.

Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: Solalux] #476848
12/19/08 06:38 AM
12/19/08 06:38 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 24
NC
Dorichin Offline
Newbie
Dorichin  Offline
Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 24
NC
Nothing but sympathy here. Oy, your post bleeds pain all over. It also p*sses me off more at the puking, mealy-mouthed platitudes that are so often spouted: it's different when they're your own; I didn't want kids either - then I held my newborn for the first time. *wretch*

Thin sympathy and maybe you've already been told this, but, eventually there'll be a time when you are more "free" from the kid. Kindergarten .. full-time school .. also, perhaps it will get better when the child reaches a stage when (to me) it appears more human. I can't believe how fascinated people are about babies. To me, the helpless, roly-poly things are about as interesting to watch as a slug crossing the garden. I tell them to bring it back when I can have a conversation and discover something interesting and compatible about the kid.

I don't believe you are the only one with regrets. You are actually one of the bravest people I've ever read. We CFs consider ourselves brave for going so against the grain of what is considered a mandatory stage of life. You've followed that grain against your own principles for the benefit of your husband and have the courage to say that it doesn't always turn out for the best. It's a very strong declaration that I hope serves as a cautionary tale for those thinking that "love" will make it all work out. It sometimes doesn't.

I certainly wish the best for you and your child. Also hope that your husband appreciates your sacrifice and bravery.

Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: Dorichin] #477062
12/20/08 09:06 AM
12/20/08 09:06 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
H
Hydrangea Offline
Newbie
Hydrangea  Offline
Newbie
H

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
Solalux,

I want you to know that I completely understand. I am 33 and I don't want kids. I never have. I have tried to talk myself into it. I had a longtime boyfriend who wanted them and I thought if I wanted to keep him I'd better talk myself into it. I couldn't do it and I'm glad.

I get annoyed because at our age kids are all people talk about. They post pictures of their kids online, and write about the little things their kids did that day, and I am just not interested. I am polite but I don't think I ask all the questions I'm supposed to ask. People have always told me I would fall in love with my own kids if I have them, but I don't think the opportunity's going to come up, anyway.

I don't want to go on and on about myself, but know that I sympathize with you and wish you the best of luck. All you can do is do for your child what you would want done for you. Even if you do not feel close, give hugs and kisses and praise. It is infinitely valuable.

I'm sorry you have gone through what you have. Write me if you want.

Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: Hydrangea] #477069
12/20/08 10:21 AM
12/20/08 10:21 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 306
Luxembourg
S
Solalux Offline OP
Shark
Solalux  Offline OP
Shark
S

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 306
Luxembourg
I have found more understanding in this forum in a couple of days, that in all my life everywhere else. Thank you very much, it really helps. I don't want to victimize myself more than necessary, once you have a kid, you can really get attached to it. You love him, and you can understand that kids can be cute and funny, because they are so innocent. My man is happy, and with all my suffering, more than contented with just one child. But I hate it when people think that I was "wrong" before, and now I have seen the light. A child is to me a lot more work than fun, and it feels terrible, but I know I would have been happier with a man with no interest in kids, laughing at all our looser friends, with nothing to talk about but kids. And being a mother was never in me. I love my child like you would love someone you really like, or a pet. I do not feel a physical connection at all (thank God, because the bodily part was the worst), I feel funny when people refer to me as his mum, and I feel just overwhelmed when he calls me so.
And it irrationally outrages me that it is easier to find on line pedophiles or anorexic girls exchanging tips about their "lifestyle" than people like me.

Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: Solalux] #477077
12/20/08 10:43 AM
12/20/08 10:43 AM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 76
K
Kalinka Offline
Amoeba
Kalinka  Offline
Amoeba
K

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 76
Dear Solalux, I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through, and I admire your bravery and honesty in sharing your story. I've lost relationships because of my lack of interest in becoming a mother. If I'd only one night said "yes" instead of "no" I'd be in the same situation as you right now.

I don't know if you've read the book "The Road Less Travelled", but it has a great chapter on how love is not about feeling, it's about DOING. By doing your best for your son, despite your initial feelings, you're showing so much courage and love. I hope you and your family can be happy, and that your husband fully appreciates what you have done for him.

Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: Kalinka] #477130
12/20/08 08:35 PM
12/20/08 08:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 14,392
Verde Valley, AZ
Jilly Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Jilly  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 14,392
Verde Valley, AZ
Wow Solalux, that is a very moving story and I am sorry for all your pain. I am pretty sure if I'd had kids I would have been just like you...and there were a few men in my past I probably would have been willing to have a child for if they really wanted them (fortunately I've never really been with a man who did). So this could have been ME.

I feel like copying your post and sending it to my mother, so show her what could have happened had I bought into the "once it's yours you will feel different" myth. Maybe we all should.

I feel your suffering and hope you can find friendships at home that are understanding and supportive to you instead of just confused.

You could do what my parents did: have a lot of babysitters, have a lot of no-children-allowed house parties, let me pretty much do what i wanted to do instead of feeling a need to entertain me all the time. I got the feeling my parents were never really wrapped up into being parents and had their own lives as their main interest. And I was totally okay with that.

My sister, on the other hand, wanted our mother to be more like June Cleaver and I don't think she ever forgave mom and dad for not being all about her and the family.

But she was a second child and my understanding is that first/only children are a lot more independent-minded. So with your one child, hopefully you will find this to be the case. And then you won't have to be one of those baby-obsessed mothers: you can focus on your own life and goals and dreams, your own hobbies, of which parenting is just one of them.

Good luck sweetie.

Last edited by Jilly; 12/20/08 08:37 PM.
Re: When it is too late, it gets worse [Re: Jilly] #479772
12/29/08 10:20 AM
12/29/08 10:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 121
Cincinnati, Ohio
TimsGirl139 Offline
Jellyfish
TimsGirl139  Offline
Jellyfish

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 121
Cincinnati, Ohio
Solalux, your story has moved me more than anything I have ever read in my life. You sound so much like me in your position on kids and how uncomfortable you are hearing about them or being around them.

I am so incredibly sorry for everything that has happened to you. I can only hope you can learn to cope and try to stay happy in your situation; I know if I were in your situation, I would take drastic measures to get out of it. So I admire your strength in pulling through.

Wow...the emotions I feel just hearing your story depress me. Does your husband understand how this has changed you?

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you ever need to talk to anyone, if only to vent or seek encouragement. I really, really feel for you and your situation.

Best of luck with everything.

Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Brand New Posts
Happy Birthday, William Herschel
by Mona - Astronomy. 11/21/19 08:54 AM
2019: On this day . . .
by Mona - Astronomy. 11/21/19 08:43 AM
Elements of tea
by Mona - Astronomy. 11/20/19 08:24 PM
Floral Spires and Elidia Basils
by Angie. 11/20/19 06:01 PM
Breathless, Serpico, New 4K Restorations
by Angela - Drama Movies. 11/19/19 07:49 PM
Midnight Family, 158 Others Vie For Best Doc Oscar
by Angela - Drama Movies. 11/13/19 11:53 PM
What is Thanksgiving all about?
by JOY (Self Development). 11/13/19 06:21 PM
Sew Easy Christmas Wreaths
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor. 11/13/19 04:54 PM
The Booksellers Doc Gets Theatrical Release
by Angela - Drama Movies. 11/08/19 02:47 AM
Toronto Film Fest News
by Angela - Drama Movies. 11/08/19 02:20 AM
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!
Channel List
Beauty & Self
Books & Music
Career
Computers
Education
Family
Food & Wine
Health & Fitness
Hobbies & Crafts
Home & Garden
Money
News & Politics
Relationships
Religion & Spirituality
Sports
Travel & Culture
TV & Movies
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Sponsor


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2019 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.1