My abuse was totally emotional/mental. For others out there who suffered through the same, what was the thing that tipped you off that you were in an abusive relationship? People I tell always ask me how could I have possibly not known? I guess it takes a bit for the excuses and the reasons and the explainations and well.. the bull [censored].. my abuser threw at me on a daily basis to filter down and make no sense. Perhaps it was my own mind trying to rationalize why I was still there. I remember my aha moment well. It was after an all night fight, where he threatened to commit suicide for the 15th time, blamed me for all the bad things in our relationship and threw all my clothes out the front door. I was watching Dr. Phill and he did a show on emotional abuse and I just kept clicking off the signs.... he had every single one. What was your aha moment?

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to come to an aha moment.. I think it was because I always tried to look at the positive and when he would put me down or call me a name, I would try to overlook it or tell him it wasn't nice. I even had a relative that would tell me that he was always belittling me. I guess it is harder to see when you are still in the relationship and you find yourself defending them to other people. When I realized my sons were turning into their father and adopting his ways, I could stand it no longer. I had always hoped and pray that my boys would see the positive in me and it would make a difference.....maybe someday.. Once my boys didn't need me as much I realized too that I wasn't getting any kind of emotional fulfillment from my marriage at all. Other men would treat me better than my own husband!!....open doors, hold the elevator, etc.. Emotional abuse really messes you up mentally. I've been going to counseling for about 2 years now. I am so much stronger now that I have left!

Mine was emotional/mental/sexual abuse long before my aha moment. My aha moment was the first time he hit me and I realized we were just like my parents.

I think I would have had my aha moment much quicker had he hit me. Sometimes I found myself wishing he would hit me so I would have the proof I thought I needed.

I was with my abuser for 5 years. We have two children together. I stayed with him for so long for a lot of reasons. I was in denial about how bad things were, and he would always apologize afterwards and tell me how much he loved me and he would do better. Isnt that jacked up? For a man to give you a bloody nose and then beg you, saying I love you, dont leave me. And then of course he would twist things around and tell me I was the reason for all of his problems, and that no one else would want me, he was cursed to love me...... The main reason I stayed with him was because I had a misconception of who God is. I am a Christian and I thought God would not approve of a divorce. My aha moment came when the Lord showed my old pastor the dynamics of my marriage. And she shared with me that God did not want me to live that way. If I continued to stay with him, I might not live very much longer. I am so thankful that she had the courage to speak truth into my life. Once I realized that I did NOT have to continue to live with an abusive husband, it was like a whole new world of possibilities opened up to me. I am experiencing freedom and LIFE, and JOY in ways that I never thought were possible. I had lost myself, and almost lost my will to live. The only thing that kept me going at times were my two children. But now I wake up and I am EXCITED for a new day. I am so thankful to have another chance at life!

I am so thankful that you got out freedom2010#. I still am having problems with my boys, 12 and 16. Your children are young enough to not be as affected by your abusive husband. God is so good!

I haven't gotten quite to that "aha moment" yet. But i am taking his sister's advice and putting money aside in an escape fund.

I have to say that even having them hit you sometimes doesnt work out the way you hope. My relationship is mostly emotionally abusive but yesterday he pretty much beat the [censored] out of me. I swear i must have such a hard head because i thought he was going to knock me out as hard as he was hitting me in the head but i didn't. I said i was going to call the cops. I really wanted to. He held me down and wouldnt let me up. I know i have to get out. I know i should just let the cops handle it but is stupidly still love the prick. He says if i make him leave before 6 weeks he will be locked up in a mental hosp. Which is really what he needs. But its winter and he has no where to go. Why do i feel bad?

Good morning Beautiful Tragedy, I am so glad that you wrote today! I am so sorry that you are going through all that mess right now, but I can tell you from my own personal experience, your life doesnt have to be that way! There is hope, you can have a life without fear, a life of freedom, and peace. you probably feel bad about the thought of leaving him because he has made you to feel that you are responsible for his feelings. Does he care about how he makes you feel? If he did, he would not treat you this way. My ex-husband would tell me the same kind of things, that he would kill himself if I left him etc... but he almost killed me because I stayed. Do you value his life or your own life more? He is a grown man and can find a place to stay. Or if he will not leave, you can go to a shelter- there are lots of resources out there. I wish you the best of luck. I pray that you will find the freedom and joy that I have found. God bless you beautiful. And remember, you dont have to be a tragedy, you can just be beautiful! :)

Right now I feel like i did this to myself. Like i deserve everything i am getting for the choices I made. I am the kind of person who feels responsible for everyone. I put others above myself to the point where it is actually a danger for me. I am in therapy for this very reason. He knows this about me and knows just what to say to trigger those things inside of me that will stop me from forcing him out. Because i am capable of feeling sympathy and empathy for the sickest of monsters. I can see when he is doing it. My brain is fully aware. My heart however reacts just the same. I can't get the two on the same page.

I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years... I actually wrote an essay about it, which I hope to publish some day.

He had a damaged childhood and insecurity issues that he took out on me. Now that 6 years have passed, I can see why he was doing that to me. He wanted me to feel that I was worthless so that I would always stay with him and not want any better for myself. His behavior stemmed from his insecurities. He didn't think he was good enough and wanted me to feel the same way so that he wouldn't have to be alone.

My aha moment was not the result of a screaming match or a bad fight. It was actually on a pretty happy evening. He had just become a Freemason. He came home, and I had just gotten home myself and we met in the driveway. It was a quiet moment, and somehow, I realized at that very moment that he had come a long way in his career and personal accomplishments. Me, I didn't grow as a person because he didn't allow me to go and experience life. He had jumped light years ahead of me as a person, and I had gone nowhere... just sitting in the shadows, following all his "rules". It was that moment when I realized that we didn't need each other. He could find his own happiness.

I think I always stayed because I felt guilty. He didn't have anyone else, and when we tried to break up numerous times in the past, he would just cry and say he was really sorry, and that he needed me. I left when I realized, even before he did, that he didn't need me to be happy... that path was up to him. And I realized that for myself too.

To anyone in this situation: You need to know that it's not your fault. After years of being beaten down emotionally, it feels scary to be on your own. His behavior made you that way, made you dependent on his abuse because that has become "normal" through the years. And staying with someone out of guilt or fear is no way to live. I wish I could get those 7 unhappy years back but I can't. Get out as soon as possible. Tell yourself that you're worth it and that you deserve to be happy every single day. Hopefully, you'll find the courage to walk out of the situation.

to beautifultragedy. you are never responsible for another persons behavior. Even if you behave poorly, others can respond with dignity and respect. Feeling like you control or have some effect or responsibility for others behavior is an illusion. It is a dangerous one in that it leads you to feel responsible for all kinds of things you are not, especially abuse.