I need some real advice about this please. My daughter is 4 almost 4 and a half and while she is mostly very well behaved, she as any child does sometimes just refuses to listen and do what she is asked. When this happens she is placed in her room for a time out of 4 mins. (tried the supernanny thing with the time out chair didn't work if you want to know more about this let me know i can explain) now while in her room for her time out she will scream bloody murder screeching things like "no mommy no" "don't do this to me" "i'll be in here forever" (shes very dramatic anyway) this is so loud and disturbing the neighbours must think shes being tortured. haveing said all that I can ignore all of it easily as I'm pretty sure its fairly common what I don't know how to deal with is when she begins kicking the door or using a toy of some sort to hit the door with to the point that now the door is nicked in places and dented in others. Should I just ignore this as to not give her a reaction or create a seperate consequence for this distructive behaviour??? help please.

Theresa... the question of time outs and tantrums is a complicated one. I do not personally believe that timed punitive separations are useful. The goal is to modify the behavior, this does not have to be tied to a timed separation. I have the beginnings of a tantrum series that I have been posting recently to the Early Childhood page. Take a look and let me know if this is of any use for you. You have inspired me to work on some articles about time outs and separations as well.. topics I have been wanting to tackle for some time.

It sounds like the time-out in the room is not working. But I don't have any advice to give. My daughter is 4 also, and when she gets put in her room, she screams and throws a fit, too. I am not sure she is learning anything from the experience either. But lately just the threat "Am I going to have to put you in your room?" is enough to cause her to modify the behavior. What a tough age - easier than 2 but still fraught with difficulties! Good luck. I would be interested to read articles as you write them, Nicki.

Many people say 4 is the most difficult age as after 4 you can reason with your children to some extent. I remember 4 being as the age of all the tantrums. When my children were 2, 4 and 6 I read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurchinka. I have not related to a book so much as I related to that one. My children were on every page! I strongly recommend you read the book.

I remember this age with mine! My pediatrician suggested a wonderful idea & it worked wonders-- a colorful behavior chart which you display proudly for the world to see on the refrigerator. There are tons on the web with fav characters that you can easily print out. So for good days, big smiley faces or stickers :-) On not so good days, a sad face :-(

At the end of the week, they get a reward for their hard work -- kids love fake tattoos or small treats. After 2 weeks of good behavior, they get a better treat & so on. You decide on the treats/gifts.

This solved the tantrums in my house & worked for a lot of family/friends too. Good luck & remember, this is only a phase -- they will grow out of it soon!

Hang in there!

Theresa,

You sound like you are setting boundaries and enforcing consequences, and that is what a good parent does. You don't sound intimidated by tantrums. Keep holding the line!


One thing that I did to make the time out chair work was to start the time out when they stayed in the chair. If they got out, time started again. This works with ages 4 and up--not the really little ones. I would stand right next to the chair with my timer. It does take a bit for them to understand that each and every time that they get out of the chair, the time starts over. EACH AND EVERY TIME. It was a battle that I chose to pursue.

I also did that with time outs in their rooms. When they were actively throwing a tantrum, it meant that they were not calming themselves. Teaching the child to self-calm is one of the main reasons for sending them to their room in the first place. Time started when they were working on calming--which did not include kicking doors. (Although, we had a few dented doors until they caught on!)

One thing that I did was put a preferred toy in time out. The toy was up on a shelf in the closet for s specified time. This was VERY effective. If they were trying to climb the closet, the timer was not running.

Don't forget that consequences can also be good things that happen because of positive behavior. Catch your child being good. Have positive strokes for her when she is doing the right thing. It doesn't have to be anything dramatic--just if she is doing what she is supposed to, praise her. Let her do something special with you. Give her a little treat. It is a lot easier to encourage positive behavior!