hey guys:

I am new to the forum and I was hoping I could have some help trying to figure out what to do with my life. I know many of you think that pornography is something that is harmless and very common among men because they are all "visually wired". Even though I do understand the physical attraction men feel to women regardless of how much they love their spouses, there is a point where this constant chase for pornography becomes an addiction.

I have been married for a little more than 2 years. I am pretty young, 22, and I am about to finish college. He is older, 35. When I married him I did not know he was into that kind of stuff. I abandoned my life and my family in another country to follow this love and it's been 3 years he can't seem to control his needs for pornography.

He started with web porn, then videos, call lines...The main problem is that he denies all that no matter how much you throw in his face. He says he wants to change, but he can't seem to convince himself of the damage pronography is causing in his life. It is hard to find help for him because most people don't see pornography as an addiction, so there aren't any "rehab" for people that are addicted to sex.

I am young, intelligent and I have a very succesful career in front of me. However, I feel that the more I get hurt by finding out the things he does behind my back, the more I lose my self-confidence. I went from being in the best student in my country's best college to someone that is totally unhappy and cheated on. I need to move on, but I still love him.

I have been forgiving him for the past 3 years, but I kinda feel that I have had enough. I can't stend being cheated on anymore. I am just looking for someone to tell me whether I am right or wrong. Is love really worth it all the pain and lies? Does anybody see or have a special story to share with me aboout husbands/wives and pornography?

Just please do not try to justify pornography because I really can't buy it. I have experience the damage it cause in one's life.

Thank you all.

thatha

When porn is a sometime thing for most couples to watch together, it adds a bit of spice to a relationship. Your husband's problem is that he is addicted and very much so.

It is true that men are more visual than women, but watching porn alone all the time means someone has developed a relationship with the images instead of a flesh and blood person.

There are mental health clinics which deal with this problem. You are mistaken when you say most people don;t see porn as an addiction. The mental health associations see excessive porn, (your husband's case), very much as an addiction.

Also, may I add that if what one partner is doing adversely affects the other partner, there is a serious problem. He is hurting you. Tell him to seek help...now

I think the main issue is the hiding and lying. My hubby and I both enjoy porn, and not always together. But we never hide it and we never lie about it. But if your hubby's attitude and actions are making you miserable, it's obviously a big issue. If you can't both come to some compromise, then it sounds like you won't be happy in the relationship again. You should both make an effort, and if it doesn't take...move on. My opinion, obviously.

Thatha--I agree with you that porn is a problem. People claim it is ok to use in the context of promoting their own sex lives; but, at the very least, that does not address the degradation the porn industry encompasses. When a person purchases/rents porn, they support that industry. The disconnect between right and wrong amazes me. It reminds me of people who buy "recreational" drugs from murderous thugs. Who do they think is spending their money?

Anyway, in your case, my opinion is that your husband is completely disregarding your feelings. To me, that's a form of infidelity. He has crossed the line by continually disregarding your feelings. You owe it to yourself to distance yourself from anyone willing to ignore you that way. It doesn't matter how much you think you love him. He's not demonstrating love for you. You are probably in a one-sided relationship. That being the case, you would be perfectly sane to take steps to protect your own ego. If that includes divorce, you should not feel guilty.

Don't feel obligated to spend your whole life overlooking his self-centered, insensitive behavior.

Good points, Cela!

Thatha, don't waste anymore of your time trying to rehabilitate him. Obviously, you are less important than his hobby. You said he is 13 ( maybe a clue) years older and you have abandoned your family and country to follow his love. Maybe it is time to reclaim YOUR life and roots.

You said it yourself that you are "young, intelligent and have a very succesful career in front of me". I certainly am never one to advocate a person give up on a marriage, but you have given up your family, your country and now your love to a man who can't help himself. I say that once you finish college, you move back to your country and back by your family. Next time, take plenty of time to get to know a person BEFORE you get married.

Good Luck!

Trish

Thank you guys for the responses. I will definitely take all that in. My husband, for the first time, started with counseling and other stuff, but I think I have a clear picture of what I want for myself and for my life!

I do wish him the best.

Wow.
This forum should not be considered a Marriage Help forum. It should be called "I want to divorce my husband, and want someone to agree with me" forum.
This is the second such topic I've replied to, with the same people regurgitating the same responses. "Its all HIS fault", "Divorce him" and now, my personal favorite "Use him until you finish college, then divorce him".
Now, it seems like you had your mind made up LONG before you posted here. But on the very slim chance that you DIDNT, here's my take (for what its worth).
Pornography CAN be an addiction. Whether or not your husband is an addict is not for me to decide. However, on the scale of addictions, pornography lies wayyy down at the bottom of MY list of problem addictions. Slightly higher than Ice Cream, WAY lower than Heroin.
You cant understand why he would hide the fact that he likes porn. Thats very simple to answer. By your own statement, "Just please do not try to justify pornography because I really can't buy it." You dont LIKE porn. NO BIG DEAL! But your HUSBAND does. And since you DONT like it, he has decided to spare countless arguments by hiding it from you. This is a typical male response. Trust me on this one, I have the required genitalia.
If you would have ever shown a bit of interest (or at the very least, a grudging acceptance) of pornography, then perhaps he would not have to hide this, and it may have been an interesting tool to add to your sex life.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle:
Always, on a forum about relationships (especially dealing with marriage), what is written is only an approximation of the truth. I think the truth is that you got married young to someone who could take you places. You got married for convenience, not love. Now, you have nearly finished college, and you are 22 years old, you have used up the convenience in the relationship and are ready to move on. I truly doubt that pornography had ANYthing to do with it one way or the other. In that case, you have already attained what you wanted, and the only course of action is divorce.
If I am wrong (I dont think I am), then pornography is HARDLY a reason for divorce. Help the guy out if he needs help. Seek counseling for him as well as yourself. Dont let others who have wrecked their relationships persuade you to do the same to YOURS.
Anyway, thats my $.02.
PEACE
GuitarLord

The theme of this forum is "We listen and we don't judge."
Please adhere to our policy.

Posters come here from all areas and some have no where else to vent. While you can certainly express your opinions and counsel, courtesy and compassion are expected.

Kristen,
I couldnt agree with you more, actually. When I post, I have the best of intentions in mind, even though my opinions usually fly in the face of what is apparently normal around here.
However, having folks cut and paste the word DIVORCE from topic to topic is infuriating! People have to understand that these types of forums influence people! Trust me, I have a LOT of experience in this area. So, when someone casually tosses "divorce" around like its yesterday news, you have to forgive my temper rising.
You mention compassion, but I havent seen very much TRUE compassion on this site. True compassion would take into account MORE than the posters feelings. Remember, a marriage takes TWO people and HARD WORK to remain a happy one.
You also mentioned courtesy. I have seen lots of that on this site. It seems nice, I guess, and I've NEVER been accused of having much of it. So in this respect, I would have to cry your pardon. However, my biggest concern would not be being courteous, it would be having these folks that have problems to seek an amicable solution. Now, I DO understand that divorce is a solution, but in a marriage, it should be the FINAL solution. When all other avenues have failed.
I will continue to give my opinions in the way that I feel best brings home my point. If it is not appreciated, by all means, kick me off of the site. I am far too old to care more about site membership than to try to really help someone. Until then, I will not 'tone down' my responses because they don't suit your definitions of courtesy or compassion.

GL, have you checked out any other answers on this forum, other than this one concerning porn? I really think you should check some of the other people's concerns and how the regulars have answered their questions or pleas for help and understanding.

I think it is difficult to make a generalization about how the people here respond when you have only responded to this one topic. You said, "Help the guy out if he needs help. Seek counseling for him as well as yourself. Dont let others who have wrecked their relationships persuade you to do the same to YOURS."

She said that she has tried, "it's been 3 years he can't seem to control his needs for pornography." and "It is hard to find help for him because most people don't see pornography as an addiction, so there aren't any "rehab" for people that are addicted to sex"

As far as people on Bella giving advice on Bella, many, MANY of us have been married for over 20 years. I have been married for almost 30 years and I am always the first to give advice on working things out, but not this time. She is too young and has too many things going against the marriage for it to work. It seems like he doesn't want it to and she doesn't either. In your own words, you "think the truth is that you got married young to someone who could take you places. You got married for convenience, not love. Now, you have nearly finished college, and you are 22 years old, you have used up the convenience in the relationship and are ready to move on." I don't know about the fact that she is "ready to move on" or your next statement that you doubt that porn has anything to do with it.

You can give your opinion, just like us, without being sarcastic or rude to any of us about "copying and pasting", tossing divorce around, regurgitating the same responses about it being "his" fault, and you having the correct "genitalia", whatever THAT was to prove or validate. We try to offer help, with truth and humor, and we TRY to that without being loud or obnoxious to anybody. We invite you to add your 2cents and to back it up with any experience that you might have had, so that you might sway the reader or any one of us toward your way of thinking.

Peace and harmony,

Trish

Let's all relax, kids!!

GL, I agree that too many people shout divorce and don't work through their problems. As a relationship writer and coach, I also know there are two sides to every marriage.

But it takes "two to talk" and sometimes a person has no where to go if their spouse won't communicate.

I would never "kick you off" for your opinions. I don't work that way.

Some people are hurting here. Let's try to help each other, okay?

I have to add, to the comment that pornography is: "wayyy down at the bottom of MY list of problem addictions. Slightly higher than Ice Cream, WAY lower than Heroin."

Tell that to my male co-worker. He worked for the state for over 20 years, had a retirement in front of him, everything. And it all went away when the department found out that he was so addicted to porn that he was viewing it at work on state computers. Counts as a life wrecking addiction to me.

And I have to say, divorce isn't a solution that is easy, anyone who has been through one can testify to it's pain. But sometimes, it is the only way to save your soul.

Dez

Simple statements:
ANYTHING which takes over your life is rightfully called ADDICTION.

Add to that ANYTHING that is detrimental to your spouse and which you are not willing or able to change is cause for divorce.

GL's statements were bold and brash, and I would never have said much of it, but...

I'm not inclined to disagree with many of his ideas, despite his choice of phrasing.

Perhaps this is a hopeless case. Perhaps this marriage is doomed. You ladies might be right on this one.

But too many of the threads here are filled with too much of "get out while you can" and not enough of "please find some way to talk to each other and/or with a neutral party."

The best advice we veritable strangers can give to members of suffering marriages is to give them the strength, motivation, and methods to make their thoughts heard to their spouses.

I know I'm rambling, but it just bothers me that anyone would find it ethical to encourage a stranger to seek divorce after hearing about only one aspect of the marriage from only one involved party. It feels irresponsible, I guess. That's just me. Sorry if I stepped on any toes with this post.

Thatha--Just a word of encouragement. Trust your instincts. They are there for a reason. You are not the selfish one!!

Hi, I am new to the forum also and I am married almost 2 years. My husband is addicted to sex. He cotacts people on line and through phone chat lines, and sex clubs. He feels he does not do anything wrong that he enjos what he does. I am so hurt. I know and he knows I know but I can't get myself to make a decision. He managed to also kick out boy my boys from a previous marriage. The older one he pushed out to the dorms and the 17 year old he basically threw him out. I love my husband but he has hurt me deeply and he seems not to understand that. My boys don't even call me to talk anymore. I am so hurt.

Hello to all. I am new here and as I read I feel the pain. My husband was so very addicted to pornography. Just as you all have said, I've dealt with it: on line, calls, books, videos. And he tried hard to convince me there was something wrong with me because i was not as "driven" as him. He told me all the excuses "its not in the flesh, it'll make me better when i'm with you, so on and on. I feel that pornography is a self destructive behavior and it hurts everyone involved. We argued many times about pornography until it almost destroyed us.
I can tell you not to give up and pray hard! He can change. My husband did. One faithful prayer he said "What ever it takes God" to get me over it-and it happened! He even published a book with that title "What Ever It Takes, God" by John Oarc and can be found at Amazon.com The book details all the fury of molestation, pornography, adulerty and etc...but we overcame!! We have been married now 20 years and went thru living hell to be happy. This is a very good book for any one hurting with these issues. You can survive the odds. Look on Amazon.com and find "What Ever It Takes, God" by John Oarc and you will have a good example and real life story, you are not alone.
FaithUp- Let No Struggles keep You Down

To all those who are posting about their husbands' addiction to porn, my heart goes out to you. Addiction is defined as anything which adversely affects a person's life. I would add that your own life is being negatively and painfully affected too as well as any children you may have.

Pornography IS NOT watching a sexy movie together. Your husbands are going way beyond that.

You were not put on earth to be miserable; you deserve better.But you have got to be strong for yourselves.

My advice is, and always has been, if you are being hurt by your spouse in any way, leave. Addiction causes pain, whether alcohol or drugs, or porn. If your spouse will not change or seek help in changing, you must leave or you will continue to be miserable.

[size:11pt]You owe it to yourself to have a good life.
Seek counseling for yourself and begin a new life. He will not change. [/size]

I've got to add something . . . Just recently, I discovered that two women close to me are dealing with this problem in their marriages. One of them knows two others in the same boat. In all cases, there seem to be a couple of common threads: (a) the husbands hid their activity until the wives stumbled on it and (b) once discovered, the husbands tried simultaneously to convince their wives that the husbands' behavior was healthy and normal while also trying to convince their wives that the wives were the ones who had the real problems (i.e. implying that the wives were too controlling, too sexually repressed, too close-minded, too quick to give up on marriage, etc.)

Pul-leezzzzzzzeeeeeeee! When someone has to throw guilt on others AND feels compelled to hide what they are doing, what does that say? It's just not screaming normal and healthy.

I have heard that porn addiction is THE single most difficult addiction of which to rid oneself. It certainly looks that way. I, for one, do not think anyone owes it to another person to devote years either to adjusting to this life-style or to trying to wait out the addiction in hopes that it will pass.

Well said, Cela!!

Hello guys:

I know it's been a while since I posted my first plead for help but I just wanted to give you guys an update.
I have finished college and I have been offered a great job in a different city. It's been almost 4 months I am working at this new job and right now I make most of the money in my household. I have given my husband a deadline to whether get help or get out. I haven't caught him with pornography in months, but he picked up an older addiction - cigarettes.

I feel a lot freer being able to support myself and finally taking a lot of these advices to a different level. Thank you guys so much!

Best of luck always in all ways. It is so true-being able to support yourself with your own money is very empowering!

wow.. at least what he was doing before wasn't deadly to his health... good call on this one.

sorry its been hard for you, he obviously needs the cigarettes. I would ask WHY? maybe some thing is wrong. You cannot change anyone, only yourself, you mearly have to accept the other person or not. But all the time being honest on what you personally can live with and the consequences of your desicions.

I am so glad that I found this forum today. More and more, things are beginning to make sense. My husband and I just got married 4 months ago after 4 years of dating. He is 37 and I am 31 with no children. About 2 years ago our sex life seemed to be fading to a point where a few times a month was normal. I have no issues with watching porn with him to get things going either. Even him looking at it occasionally doesn't bother me. What does bother me is if it's replacing ours.
I had concerns at the time, expressed them to him and nothing really changed much...that is until I looked him in the eye and said that I couldn't stay just because I loved him. I was hurting and he seemed to shrug it off. I needed intimacy and desire to be happy and focused on the "long haul". After I left, he began to realize his intense love for me and sought counseling and visited doctors to have his tesosterone checked. After discoving that his levels were low he was given a prescription and a feeling that things were finally going to be "normal" in reference to his desire toward me. His counselor said there was no need to continue and we began dating again. It was great and after 6 months of living separately I moved back in. I felt in my heart of hearts that breaking up was the best thing that could have ever happened, that we never would have made it otherwise. After all, I have the most amazing husband in the world...
Then recently I found that the testosterone shots that he takes every friday don't really make that much of a difference. I ask for sex and he says that he is too tired or in the morning he needs to get ready for work etc. After a bit of detective work I found that he jumps on the computer right after work and looks at porn until I get home. This morning when I woke up I saw him come out of the bathroom with his computer under his arm and when I asked him what he was doing he said checking his email. Once he jumped in the shower I checked the history and saw that he was looking at porn. So he doesn't have time to have sex with me, but has time to surf the net instead? And 2 days ago I came home from the gym and he was watching sports (no big deal right?). Well, lets just say it wasn't any sport he normally watches and the channel happened to be one away from an X-rated. Everything is beginning to add up and I'm begining to get scared. His shots were a temporary band-aid that covered up the real problem- my husband is addicted to porn and is desensitized to real life sex with me. Life should be great in that department right now- we don't have financial issues, children yet and we're newlyweds! Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Doesn't every couple have something wrong and this is just ours to deal with? Am I being unrealistic to think I could find a "perfect" relationship? What should I do first? Confront him or keep researching to see if it's as bad as I think? I feel like I'm walking a thin line because trust is so important and I have always been one to respect someone's privacy. Please help.

Get some porn of your own, How would he feel if the shoes on the other foot. Well on second thought he might get off on that.
It would of not been a good thing if my girlfriend was into porn. I don't think i could of dealt with that

I'm a clairvoyant and worked with a man with similar issues and asked if it would be o.k. to share some of the insights.

He described most everything you have, down to taking the computer into the bathroom. Many other issues came about through the consultation but here's a few that might help.

Believe it or not, he felt misunderstood and in this case he was right. That just compiled things. For him, and this was through questions during a reading, it came out he was not into sex but very much a deep thinker. There were also some self-confidence issues and guilt (religious/childhood) backgrounds working together to create an even broader blockage that only concentrated porn could help in arousing him. it was a cycle. He couldn't get aroused, became so frustrated he caved in and compounded guilt afterwards, making it even more difficult the next time around. This cycle was replacing sex in the relationship.

Ancientflax mad has a valid point too that also came up about unfulfilled potential that was baracading itself needing physical/mental release.

His wife came in for a consultation as well and what helped them, which may or not help here is, in private it felt to me, she could at the very least chip into the cyclical armour by basically handing him the computer or telling her husband she would be out for awhle and it might aid him in having a "session" so he can get on with the day and eventually his life. He later confided to me, it was the wierdest thing a woman has ever said to him, thus taking some of the "mystery" seductiveness out of it. She also had to explain that it wasnt' the porn that's bad or masterbating, but the replacement of a human soul/being for sound bytes and imagery that was. To her it felt cold and lonely and in a relatioship, what was the point. She was also beginning to respond to other men who found her beautiful inside and out. Though she had not had an affair, it was getting to the point where it was actually on the table of possabilities.

He is also a perfectionist. He explained sex doesn't feel good when he is constantly self-doubting his capabilities in making his partner feel good. With the computer, it was always different and always a sure thing. He, deep down, had a foundation of fearing rejection. This is why his ideas were never realized in the past, thus the blockage, thus the one thing that would always be success.

They worked out a great deal of this and though a consultation is fairly quick, the work takes time. A lot of baggage underlies addictions. Both people have to be committed to dealing not only with that baggage but how it makes the other feel.

I haven't heard from them in awhile, which is probably a good thing though I would love to see how they are doing. Last time I did though, they had worked out an agreement of for every physical encounter with each other, he could have 3 sessions. She just didn't need sex as much as he did. She missed him and was in it for the long haul.

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
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Kristy,
There have been many posts on this forum about porn and porn addiction. As a relationship writer and counselor I have seen the problem growing in recent years. I think what we have to remember is that porn can be an addiction the same as alcohol or drugs.

If porn is viewed ocassionally and consenually by a couple as a precursor to sex then there isn't a problem. But if one partner uses porn as the "main course" for his/her sex needs, without their partner, and to the detriment of that partner, then there is a major problem.

Some people can have a drink without becoming addicted; for others one drink puts them on the path to alcoholism.It is really the same with porn.

Your husband needs counseling for this problem and you need to speak with someone to help you deal with what is happening.

If you are willing to stay with him, please know that it can be a long haul, the same as with any other addictions. You are the only one who can decide if this relationship is worth it and if you are willing to devote the time and energy to see it through.

Best of luck, Kristy!

Yes, my hubby is addicted to this crab too. And the worst is that I found and email of him, inquiring to one of these "girls", her phone number, more pictures, prices, etc.
He denies all of these of course, I wish I would have printed this email. I really don't know what to do, I feel lost.
Because, number one, he doesn't believe he has a problem, nor will he go to therapy and I can't handle lies, is the one thing that kills my inspiration to even try to be with him.
So right now I'm in an inertia mode, can't even think very clear, but feel very, very abused and misused.
Thanks for listening.

Porn is a problem that is affecting over 80% of couples in the USA alone. I know it doesn't help to say you're not alone but the facts show that it is almost at epidemic proportions.

Next to money problems and infidelity, over-use of porn is a reason many couples separate.

Helplines for Wives Whose Husbands Whose Husbands Abuse Porn

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What should a woman do if her husband locks her out of the bedroom at night so he can look at porn? He has porn all over the house, bedroom, living room,and bathroom. He has DVD's, magazine's and also looks at the internet. He has no regard for my feeling. I have been looking away for a long time now, (35) years. Yes he is no kid, he is 61 years old. Now I found out he is even going to strip clubs spending our money and I am sure making a old fool of himself with the young girls. I thought he would slow down as he got older but it got worse. I just cant look away anymore and it is a shame something like this can destroy a long time marriage. Any one have any comments? He never wants to talk about it with me. He just get angry with i say anything about porn or strip clubs.

What should a woman do if her husband locks her out of the bedroom at night so he can look at porn? He has porn all over the house, bedroom, living room,and bathroom. He has DVD's, magazine's and also looks at the internet. He has no regard for my feeling. I have been looking away for a long time now, (35) years. Yes he is no kid, he is 61 years old. Now I found out he is even going to strip clubs spending our money and I am sure making a old fool of himself with the young girls. I thought he would slow down as he got older but it got worse. I just cant look away anymore and it is a shame something like this can destroy a long time marriage. Any one have any comments? He never wants to talk about it with me. He just get angry when I say anything about porn or strip clubs.

Roxy02

DUMP HIM ! He obviously has no regard or respect for you. He takes you for granted - doesn't care if you like it or not - does what he wants to do. This is not LOVE - he is discusting!

My advice is to file for divorce - this is abuse.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

cp

IMHO divorce is not the immediate answer, but I also know that every marriage can not be saved. I have been married for more than 12 years and have recognized the pattern with the pics and the way every action related to this material is defended (or, much more often, abruptly denied). I am not asking for a divorce, nor do I want one - but I am going to live near my family so that I can have some support. I hope he will follow me. I am not giving up on him... I just can't do this alone. He doesn't have it all over the house or anything - in fact he's very secret about it. I don't even approach him about this one subject anymore, but it's very frustrating. We have gotten over other addictions and even cigarettes have no hold on either of us - for years now. This is the only thing left, and it's the only thing he's never admitted to. I don't care how "bad" it is on some "scale" of heroin to ice cream. He's hiding it from me, and for him I think that is the bigger part of the addiction. I have told him he doesn't have to hide it, and I've been sure not to say anything to him, and... well, just every way imaginable to help him feel like he doesn't need to hide it but all I ended up with was the realization that he must feel like it is bad enough to hide, and he likes that idea. I have put this off forever, it seems and I'm just out of other options at this point. I am moving. My door will always be open for him if he will prove to me that he's in therapy and actively working on this addiction. I will not file for a divorce and if he wants one I will try to talk him out of it. I love him unconditionally, and on the surface our lives are the happiest they've ever been - but I physically can not live with this addiction.