Need help to understand

Posted By: wanttobstronger

Need help to understand - 09/20/08 02:32 PM

Good morning,
I have been dating a wonderful divorced man with 3 young boys for 9months now. He has been divorced(final)1yr...left in April 2007. He has his boys every Monday, every Thursday evening, every Sunday night, and every other weekend. I have never been married and do not have any children. We live together and recently made a room for the boys. I love them all and they all love me back.

MY PROBLEM: I have come to the hard realization that his ex-wife will always control my life in some way. For me, that is a hard pill to swallow, seeing how I know I am somewhat of a controlling person. I like control of my life and what happens to it. I want to be more tolerant of their relationship and understand it but I don't think I ever will. I am not jealous of her or think either wants to be back together. I have discussed and cried about this with my bf last night and want to know what I can do to help myself.

Please, any advice from someone going through this will be appreciated. Thank you.
Posted By: "Rosie"

Re: Need help to understand - 09/20/08 03:33 PM

wanttob, just want to welcome you to the forum, welcome wink hope you enjoy your stay!
Posted By: k2y

Re: Need help to understand - 09/20/08 06:29 PM

Hey there and welcome to the forum!

While I have never personally experienced a situation like yours, it's not hard to see how it could be a real source of frustration for you.

If you aren't jealous, then what it is about your boyfriend's relationship with his ex-wife that makes you so uncomfortable? And in what ways do you feel that she has control over your life?

Dating a man with children from a previous marriage will inevitably require a much higher degree of patience and understanding than usual. Because of the children, the ex will have to be a permanent fixture in his life and in the life of anyone who chooses to be with him. As hard as that may be for you to swallow, it just comes with the territory.

I think the best thing you can do is to weigh out your options. Recognize that if you choose to stay in this relationship, you will need to find a way to accept that the ex is a part of the package and will always have a say in some decisions that may indirectly affect you, especially when it comes to the ways in which her children will be raised. Only you can decide if the love you have for your man and his kids is powerful enough to make it all worthwhile.

Take a long, hard look at your situation and try to identify the true root of your concern. I think what will help you most right now is to determine if this is something that has the potential to be resolved or if you would be better off going in a different direction. Remember that every relationship requires some level of sacrifice.

And I hate to break it to you, but in my experience, being in love (and I mean truly, madly, deeply in love) hardly ever leaves much room for control. With that in mind, I think you should decide what is more important to you � being in total control or being in love?

Whatever decision you make�I hope it�s the right one for you. Good luck!
Posted By: wanttobstronger

Re: Need help to understand - 09/21/08 08:45 PM

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate what you said and believe he is worth the struggle(at times). I am new to this and have to understand he is as well, and so is his ex. I feel better now that I have talked w/ him about it. He is the type of guy who always makes the peace, does not rock the boat, stir the pot, and makes everyone else happy first and puts himself last....that's partly why I love him so much. I just hate seeing her take advantage of I'm sure she always had. I need to learn and let things go and I do believe it will be an ever changing learning experience for me. I love him and his boys enough to roll with the punches.

Thanks again for the advice.
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