I thought it might be a good idea if we briefly stated our situation in regards to being single parents.

I am a single parent through divorce and have been since I was three months pregnant with my second child. My ex maintained semi-regular visitation with my children for about two years and then all contact ceased. He has chosen not to be part of their lives for the past twelve years.

I am sure that we have a variety of situation which have led to us being single parents and it would be helpful in future conversations to better understand your situations. So, if you feel like it, please share your single parent situation, too.

And remember - single parents are the strongest parents in the world!

i am a single parent by having sex and not using any protection--ill probaly get alot of slack by saying that. anway it was my CHOICE not to make it work with his dad. i live with my mom,son and sister. parents are divorced, so in a way it i look at things differntly. thanx 4 getting back to me and letting me vent. his dad did see him--finally--on thursday. its hard going thru a divorce to where u are a single parent. yes daddy paid child support and had visitations but its the mom who really raised us,u know? how old r ur kids now?

Mom doesn't raise the kids in all cases. I know several cases where mom walked out or lost custody due to neglect. I have even seen cases also where mom gets custody even though the child is way better off with dad because the courts too often side with mom. If you ask me a father is more important to a kids psychological well being than a mother.

You are right - single fathers are more often getting the chance to raise their children and many times this is a good thing. However, I honestly don't know that either parent is "more beneficial" to the child than the other. The most important aspects of being a parent is the acceptance of responsibility, the ability to express love, and the wisdom to teach children how to be healthy, happy, productive individuals. This includes instilling self-esteem, valuing self-respect, and teaching responsible behavior. A GOOD mother or father can accomplish this job.

Whether the single parent be mother or father, the task is never easy. A single parent needs all the support they can get!

Cynthia Parker
Host, Single Parents

No point in giving flack for what is in the past and cannot be undone. The important thing is to move forward with the best interest of the child in mind.

my husband and i recently seperated after nearly 18 years of marriage, and 20 years together. i've always felt like a single parent in that he was never, ever, available to us emotionaly, or financially (he has an aversion to work). and to be honest, his living some where else is not much different than what we had before, accept we dont have to walk around on egg shells around dad so he doesnt roll into one of his juvinile tirades (although he was never physically abusive to any of us, thank God, mental and emotional abuse and neglect are just as devestating, and do just as much damage), and we don't have to watch him drink himself stupid while playing on the computer every night.
we havent discussed divorce yet, but i feel its just a matter of time. i will NO LONGER live with a person whom i do not feel values me, i will NO LONGER live with less than i think i deserve, to try and make some one else happy. i've waisted most of my life, trying to make some one else happy. well, anyway...that's how i became a single parent. being alone takes getting used to, sometimes i still cry at night. but all in all, i'm much happier, and so are my kids. their dad is now working, started a roofing business, lives alone, stopped drinking, and is flourishing. i'm very happy for him, i want him to be happy, and i want my kids to be happy. but as far as i'm concerned our marriage is over. i spent 20 years waiting for him to "come around", no more waiting. i'd rather be alone than spend the next 20 or 30 years with out what i need from a relationship. **whew** !

My situation is through divorce. We split up when my now 10 year old was 7 months old and I found out I was pregnant. We had only been in Orlando for 6 months when we headed back to NJ where I dropped him off at the Newark Airport to come back to CA. I stayed at my parents for a few months until my income tax refund and drove back to CA 7 months pregnant.

The divorce was final a few years ago after the Custody Evaluation to make sure he only gets supervised visitation since he has Paranoid Schizophrenia and the two boys have autism. They have not seen him in over two years and sometimes he forgets he has kids. He cannot see kids until he attends therapy to learn about autism with a professional working with him on weekly sessions with the boys and he needs a note from a Dr saying he is under their care and on medication. Lastly he has to pay the supervised fee and the monitoring is in my home. Two years ago the cost was $75.00 per week for special needs and if he did not show I still had to pay.

Making that first step, especially after so many years in a relationship, is very hard - but you are doing the right thing. I don't care how many people say that couples should stay together "for the sake of the child", I just don't agree. A child KNOWS when mom and/or dad are miserable and they are miserable right alone with them.

No one deserves to walk around on eggshells and no one deserves to live in a relationship where their needs are not being fulfilled. Not to mention, yes, emotional and mental abuse are every bit as devestating as physcial abuse AND they take much longer to heal.

It is lonely at first, but you are going to make new friends, find new hobbies, and fill up that time with people and activities that make your life worthwhile.

You and your child are going to flourish and your life is going to take on a new direction that is going to be rewarding!!!

Bonnie -

You do have some challenges ahead of you!

It is going to be difficult to deal with all of the special considerations of Schizophrenia and autism, but you sound like a very determined mother, so stand firm and know that you are doing what is best for your children.

Any time you want to vent or need a shoulder, please stop by the Bella Single Parents site or email me at [email]SingleParents@bellaonline.com.[/email] I will always listen and will help in any way I can.

i'm a single parent because my son's dad basically left me for another woman..who he now has two children by....he has a drug problem and he wasnt willing to give up the drugs and i wouldnt accept it and the other woman did...now he hasnt been in our lives since my son turned two..and now he is four, i get no child support, or acknowledgement from him by letters or birthday cards, or even christmas presents for my son..but i think we are better off.

I got married to the father of my child when I was about 3 months pregnant. 3 months later he left me for his ex girlfriend. He came in with his family and a couple of trailers after a week of him being gone and took pretty much everything in the house except the bed and the table and all the cookware. I was devastated when he left and he had me convinced that it was all my fault that he had left. He drained our bank account on three different occasions before I smarted up and started a new account for myself. So there I was, 6 months pregnant, with hardly nothing in my home, a pud job (which I was unable to work a month later due to pre-term labor/ bedrest), and NO money. A friend who stayed with me took care of me while XDH ran around and did whatever with whomever. I had our daughter at the end of may this year a month early. He filed for the divorce a couple months prior and I am now fighting him for custody of the daughter he all but abandoned when she was still in the womb. She's now four months old. Our divorce has yet to be finalized, and I've yet to see a dime in support for her. He does see her on a fairly regular basis (court ordered). A couple hours a few evening a week. It's been tough. He's now engaged to the girl he left me for.... but really, can you be engaged if you're still married?? LOL.

Aimee -

Sometimes you just want to scream, don't you? I am sorry that you had to deal with your soon-to-be-ex-husband's lack of decency; however, I am glad that you found out about his wandering, fickle ways now rather than 10 years into a marriage where you thought everything was good. I am sure that the stress he caused you did nothing to help with your difficult pregnancy. How are you and your daughter doing health-wise now? I hope that you are both well.

I wish there was some easy, logical advice that I could give you that would help, but in matters such as this, there is never an easy solution. With the court-ordered visitation, is it supervised? And what does your attorney tell you in regards to the custody fight? Make sure that the court knows that you and your daughter were abandoned by this man. It would be more than unfair for him to gain custody of your daughter after all you have been through.

Hang in there, Aimee!

Cynthia,
Yes, I do very much want to scream sometimes. Honestly, sometimes I DO scream.... I excuse myself to my room and scream into my pillow. Probably not the most mature thing to do, but I do feel a little better afterwards, lol. My daughter is doing wonderfully health-wise. At her four month check up she was just about 13 pounds! Only the 35th percentile but when you start out at a mere 5 pounds, it's awsome! I am still struggling to keep my weight up to a healthy level. It's not that I am not eating; I'm just nursing therefor most of the nutrients I ingest go to her. I've increased my food intake and have actually stopped LOSING weight and am pretty much staying at my current weight. I expect to put my lost pounds back on as soon as I stop nursing. It's funny how most women struggle to lose their baby weight, and I'm struggling to put it back on!!
Unfortunatly the Exe's visitation is not supervised. It would be nice if it were. Mostly because the fact the house he's living at now isn't what many people would call clean (I have to bathe her when she comes home from there) and half the time I have to chase him all over town in order to get her back!!
OH!! We had court tuesday and he has decided to give up on fighting me for custody!! One less thing for me to have to worry about!! Thank you for your kind words and I will keep you posted as to the progress of my divorce!! Take care!

I became a single parent when my husband of 2-1/2 years left me to be with the woman he was seeing (actually, I asked him to leave once I knew). I was six months pregnant at the time with my first (and only) child. I wound up living back home with my dad for the first 5 years of my son's life, then moved away to another province to start life new. His dad, unfortunately, rarely took part in our son's life...which is the reason why I opted to move away. I could see how much it was hurting my son to be sitting there waiting for his father on a Saturday morning, and to have him not show up.

I went through a lot of struggles, pain, and hurt back then, but in looking back now (24 years later) would not change a thing. I stopped blaming my ex many years ago for everything, and let go of the anger as well, and for me, it was the best thing I could have ever done. I'm forever grateful for my son coming into my life, and although much of it has been hard, it most certainly has been worth it.

I am a single mom graduate student with a young daughter. I ended my relationship with her biological dad when I was 2 months pregnant due to his irresponsible behaviour and erratic actions... He met her for the first time when she was 3 months old, after I paid his bus fare. He just met her again this Christmas and New Year's when she was 20 months, after his parents pressured him to move closer to us and take responsibility for his actions. He has never paid child support... Is now making promises to do so and asking to be a part of our lives. However this is complicated by the fact that I recently started dating an amazing man who treats me and my daughter with utmost respect and admiration, gives my daughter the fatherly love and contact she never received from her biological dad, and has spoken seriously about wanting to adopt her as his own child down the road. I joined this group hoping to just have an opportunity to chat about the different challenges I experience, and really to get a chance to vent about my frustrations once in a while, I guess...

Hi I am a single parent by divorce. My ex cheated on me from day one, But I didn't fid out til later. He was physical, emotional, and mentally abusive to me. At the time my son was 7 months old now he is 6 years old. His father just started to get supervised visits because of his abusive background. I am just starting to get my life back. It takes time to get over all the pain a person can cause in such a short time. I was only with him for 3 years and married for 2. I thank god and my parents for giving me the strenght, courage, and support to get out of a bad situation. Thanks for listening.

i am a single parent of 4 and a single grandma of 1, grandson is 22yrs old now and still with me ;o)

I have been divorced for 13 yrs end of this month,i have one child who's deaf,
he hasn't sen his dad for about 12 yrsnow.\, my son will be 18 in apr
i home school him alsothis is his last year.my exhusband does pay child support
i m e and my son moved almost 2yrs now down south.

Bernadette renee

I am a 23-year old parent. I am married. I'm not single but I'm rasing my son by myself because my husband is serving over seas. I have a 3 month old son and a two 4 year old girls and my husband has never met my son. My husband was overseas for both pregnancies and has not been in my children's lives other then by mail or email. I've had to raise all three of my children alone. I may not be single but I understand the pressures of raisng children alone.

Wow, reading your entries brings back memories. I was married for 4 years, had a daughter. Divorced, remarried had three more children. The first husband remarried also, and passed away at 33. The story is awful, and I feel for all of you. I was blessed when I remarried, he treated daughter #1 like his own, always. But he always respected that she was mine first. He really is amazing. I learned a few things along the way. The ex will do whatever they can to make you miserable, pay as little as possible, basically make your life hell. Social security came every month, on time, and was 4 x the amount of child support. Social security never wanted to fight, never wanted you to fix what they broke, and never wanted receipts from the doctor, etc. Isn't it sad when the government can actually be a better birth parent than the real parent? There are a lot of stories that went with this, just know you have to really think about your choices, because some day your child will grow up.

I am a single parent first through divorce, then through assault, both from the same man. I have two children, my daughter is 4, my son 4 months. My ex-husband was very abusive in everyway, but I was too brainwashed to see it and actually took him back after we divorced.

He abandoned my daughter and seems to be following the same course with my son, which frankly I am grateful for. Washington state orders childsupport, and when he bothers to work I actually get some, but it isn't something I count on. I have a strong support system with my parents and my mom actually watches my kids for me while I work. I would drown, to be honest, if she didn't.

This last break up was hard, my ex hit me so hard he broke my eardrum and though it is "healed over" I have permanent hearing loss and pain, as well as ringing. It's been interesting, to say the least, but this time he is being charged with 3rd degree assault which is a felony. A step in the right direction. Oh, and he also ran off with his ex-gf, who he ran off with before and even had a child with...which is why I divorced him in the first place.

I was a sap, but I can see the trail behind me know and have learned a few things along the way. This time, there is no going back.

Dez

How in the world can you even say that with a straight face? Some mothers are bad, granted, but there is no way in the world that a father is more important that a mother! A child always, without fail, wants mommy first, its natural instinct. They lived inside mom for 10 months, and mom is the only one nature equipped to nurish for them. Whats harmful for a childs psychological well being is when MOM doesn't want them. Dad is frankly immaterial. I would know, I was forced to know mine until I turned 18 and could make the decision not to see him myself.

Fathers play with their kid for 10 minutes and their heroes, mothers have to do EVERYTHING ELSE.

Sorry, this really hit a nerve.

Dez

BTW, I have an awesome stepdad who has been my dad for the last 23 years. There is a difference between a "father" and a "dad" and it is a mistake to think the one is the same as the other. Everyone has a father. It is a joy to be lucky enough to have a dad.

I agree with you, Dez - there is a big difference between being a father and a dad and between a mother and a mom. The difference is selfless love. I honestly do not believe that one parent is any more or less important than the other. From a natural standpoint, it is obviously the female who is designed to nurture the child, in and aftern the womb. However, both single mothers and single fathers can make excellent parents.

Based upon your past experiences, I completely understand your perspective. I have a very similar history with the father of my own children. Not only was he abusive, but he abandoned them, too. It is very difficult to deal with such situations, from both the child and the custodial parent's standpoint. I pray that time and love will heal the wounds that you all have sustained.

I know that we are not all going to agree in this Forum; however, I will ask that when anyone decides to make a statement such as Kat1980 has, then please support it with your reasoning. If we don't agree with you, we can at least understand why you feel the way you do. Otherwise, what you say could be hurtful to someone else.

This forum is designed to be a place of sharing and support for single parents.