To start off, a little bit about my family situation. I am 33 and have been married to a wonderful 36 yr old man for the last two years. I have a 12 yr old stepdaughter from his first marriage. I do not have any children, and we do NOT plan on having any children together (He is getting a vasectomy in June) so there will be no conflict there.

I love my stepdaughter very much. She is 12 going on 8, rather than 12 going on 30, if that makes any sense. She is not a discipline problem, there is no tension, or backtalk, or issues with her. Her father and I share discipline and stand together, so there are no problems there either.

Her mother, on the other hand, drives me insane.

She claims to be very religious (Catholic) but somehow missed the 7th commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." She was pregnant twice with other men's children while married to my husband. She also stopped going to church and would not take her daughter after she remarried because, "We're not welcome anymore." Where is the harm in attending a service for the benefit of your child, even if you can't participate in the sacraments any more?

She is horribly bigoted. Things I have heard include, "people who drive minivans are white trash." "the kids were listening to ****** music at the dance." and "I didn't get MLK Day off because the (insert ethnic religion here) don't believe in it." This makes most people jaws hit the floor. I wasn't aware that sort of attitude even existed any more.

My DH pays $622/month for one child in support whether she is living with her mother or not, all travel expenses for visitation, all camp fees, all school fees, and anything else that is asked, yet SD arrives for visits with 3 sets of ragged clothes, falling apart shoes, and a lack of undergarments. SD's mother also has a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a 2008 convertible. I am firmly convinced that DH's money is going toward luxuries and her other child, not to SD.

SD is quite overweight for her age. She is 5'3" and 170 lbs. She really *wants* to get in shape, but she is a latchkey kid and is not allowed to leave the house after school, nor participate in school sports because it's "too much trouble" for her mother to accomodate. Her mother refuses to cook healthy because she's "too tired" or it's "too hard." It's really funny, because both DH and I work long hours and manage to eat healthy, and we rope SD into cooking when she visits us. She lost 5 lbs in two weeks over Xmas simply by eating right.

SD is doing ok in school, but she has been moved 4 times in 4 years. She's also in a state that ranks #44 in the nation for education. As a result, she's horribly ignorant and well behind what I would consider normal.

So far I have dealt with the situation by keeping my mouth shut and letting DH handle it, but he is really a pushover for any woman with an ounce of spine (or spite). We would love to get custody because we live well within our means (debts are less than 20% of gross income) and have the money to send SD to a private school. We would also like to have a little more influence than 7 weeks a year to counteract what she is seeing daily.

Gaaaah!!! Thanks all, for letting me vent. Anybody have any advice on what I can do other than bite my tongue? That's what I do all the time, even when DH's ex says nasty things about me to SD. I am *trying* to keep the peace, but it would be wonderful if there were something productive I could do.

Wow! First of all, let me say how much I admire your big heart with your stepdaughter. It sounds as though you might be a bright spot in her life. As deplorable as her mother sounds, please be careful not to disparage her in front of your SD.

I do think you can be more forthright with your husband about your concerns about your daughter. Her health is a serious concern. You should encourage your husband to seek custody. Hire a good lawyer --it is much more common these days for fathers to get custody. If you could even get shared 50/50 custody two things would happen: no child support, because you would each have her half the time, and more influence from the two of you as positive role models.

I completely sympathize with your frustration with bio mom, and I am sorry she adds such stress. I hope you are able to do something for this poor little girl.

In the mean time, don't hesitate to vent here...that's what we're here for!

Shadra

Shadra, thanks.

The closest I have come to saying anything negative was on the "white trah" comment... my parents drive a minivan! Her father took the initiative and pointed out stereotyping people because of a vehicle was not at all right. This was driven home after a very pleasant day spent with my parents when he asked if she thought her step-grandparents were trashy because of what they drove.

I also told her in a personal calm conversation that some of the things that her mother said or did drove me nuts, but that was ok, because she (the ex) and I were not family nor friends. I explained that her mother did not have to answer to me at all because we had no relationship. I have to explain myself to SD because I will NOT spout things without explaining why I think that way.

Custody is tough. We are dual-military, and SD's mother has stated "You're not going to live with your father until he gets out of the military and gets a REAL job!!" If she were smart, she could look up our exact household income; it's published every year. With the common perception that military = deployments, (in his case, if he left home for more than 3 months at a time before he retires, I would be surprised, and he has lived in the same place for the last five years) it would be very difficult if not impossible to convince a Louisiana judge that a) DH is a very fit father, and b) this isn't my idea to steal away a hysterically crying mother's innocent child.

All I can do is what I've planned. DH and I cook with SD, teach her about healthy eating, reading labels, portion control and exercise. This summer we're going to get a jump on 7th grade by reading Shakespeare and doing some history lessons that will include a field trip to a Civil War battlefield or Colonial Williamsburg. We're going to go geocaching. We're going to go to the bookstore. We're going to do crafts. We're going to train the puppy in basic obedience. I'm going to try to stimulate her mind and get her to *think* and ask questions.

In another year, she will be old enough to state her preference to a judge, and then we'll see what she wants. I won't quit loving this girl no matter what, but she could be so much more than she is looking like right now.

Trish,

Your willingness to hang in there is an inspiration. I respect you so much for taking the high road and doing what you can for this little girl. I can only say that, as two of my stepkids graduate from high school this year and have spent the last 12 years with me, that it pays off in the end -- not only do I have great relationships with my stepkids, but I also have the pleasure of seeing what great people they've become.

Hang in there, and know you are doing the right thing!

Thanks Shadra. It means a lot that *some* people think I'm sane. If y'all don't mind, I'll contain my whining to this thread, so you can skip it unless you want to see the latest to raise my blood pressure again.

Gaaaaaah!!! Mama wants us to take their dog for the summer because "he gets so depressed when SD is gone!" We have two dogs and two cats, all of whom are bigger and much younger than he is. Not a good situation to put a small getting-elderly dog in.

She also griped about having to pony up $50 for the unaccompanied minor fees, (when DH pays for all plane tix, or otherwise drives 30 hours to pick her up and bring her back) and we heard from SD, "Mama says you have to buy me school uniforms!" Where is the $8k in child support going? If you said the '08 convertible and the Harley, ding, ding, ding! What really kills me is that she pushes SD to ask for money, clothes, favors which are clearly either her responsibility or totally unreasonable, and then uses it to reinforce, "your daddy is just cheap!"

*insert many cuss words and frustration*

And of course, she would never ever dream of letting DH have custody. Biting my tongue, biting my tongue.....

Sometimes, I had to bite my tongue til it was bloody. I know what you mean. In our case, the kids' mom off and on paid child support, but wouldn't have anything to do with the kids -- even when the kids would call and beg to see her. She just lived 20 minutes away. It was heartbreaking. I always told my husband I would wait until the kids were 18 and then tell her what I thought. Well...they'll be 18 next month, and I've decided she's just not worth the energy.

I feel for you...best of luck!

Hi, Trish,

I read your post a while back and have been thinking about it ever since. I, too, have a 12-year-old, overweight stepdaughter (also young for her age) whose mom doesn't, well, know how to mother. (Trying to be kind here.) My husband and I have been together for 8 years, so I've spent many years "biting my tongue" about where our money is being spent, about her partying, about the trips she takes, etc. It is really, really hard sometimes.

I told my husband that his daughter was overweight when she was 7; he and I began to teach her healthy eating habits, but when she went back to her mom's house, her mom went berzerk: SD refused to eat anything there because there was nothing healthy to eat! Of course, this was all my fault . . . Anyway, for fear of creating an eating disorder, I stopped saying anything about her weight.

Last summer, after finding candy and candy wrappers stashed in her sock drawer both here and at her mom's house, and after she told her mom that she wanted to be skinny like me (that went over well!), her mom took her to a nutritionist. It helped only in that someone else, a professional, told her, in front of her mom, what she should and should not be eating.

She is still overweight and out-of-shape, but she is taking an interest in some sports now that she's heading into 8th grade. She's also getting into fashion a bit, and, as you know, Hollister is not made for the overweight person. We just continuously stress being healthy, not skinny; being able to do what you want without getting out-of-breath; having energy; being able to do well in school because the brain has its fuel; and so on.

My DH has mentioned time and time again how nice it would be to have sole custody. He battles this within himself constantly. However, he truly believes that, as long as the situation isn't abusive, his daughter needs her mom. We both hope that she will eventually see what kind of person her mom is, and that she will be able to make her own decisions about what's right and what's wrong. She does seem to be opening her eyes a bit since she wants to be here with us more and more. But we think that taking her away from her mom will only cause resentment.

I think that all we can do is be the consistent, stable, positive part of our SDs lives. I believe that in the long run, as Shadra said, it'll pay off.

Thanks, SWK.

One of the rules I try to keep in mind is to not say things that could be seen as spiteful or hurtful. I know darn well that when my mother made a "joking" comment about how I was "chubbing up, there" or "getting a little hefty!" when I was 30 (not even an insecure adolescent) it hurt. Take your 119 lb self somewhere else, mom! I can imagine it would be all the worse if it was coming from someone you couldn't just walk away from that you're not related to. So we talk about healthy eating, but nothing about losing weight unless SD asks about it.

I'm waiting for the drama to ramp up a notch. SD's mother just lost her job. I'm surprised we haven't already gotten demands that DH buy her a complete summer wardrobe like he does for school clothes. If it really does get crazy, the fact that DH has a guaranteed job for the next 11 years if he so chooses may hold some weight in a custody battle.

Well, we picked SD up at the airport today.

We're still settling into the visit routine. We're on vacation for the next two weeks, so we should be able to spend some quality time.

She doesn't look as much like her father, but I suppose that's what happens when kids start growing up. Part of the reason is that she looks like she's gained another 10 lbs or so.

God, I am such a horrible person to be horrified by her appearance. How in the WORLD can her mother think that her 12-yr-old rapidly heading toward 200 lbs is an acceptable thing??

She's also been really attention-needy. Isn't 12 old enough to entertain yourself? I used to curl up for hours with a book, or crafts, or *something*.

DH and I are in agreement. Tomorrow morning we are all going to take a brisk mile-and-a-half walk with the dogs. Maybe by the time she's ready to leave (six weeks) we can get to the point of jogging. We're looking at some other cardio events as well.

In case anyone fears we're going to bully her into anorexia, we're not. She has repeatedly stated she wants to lose weight. We are also starting slow, so as not to hurt her physically.

It's going to be a long six weeks.

Hi Trish
This is one of th saddest posts I havae read. Without regular visits and custody out of the question, all you can really do is continue to be loving and supportive. The neediness seems totally in line with the sense of loneliness this kid must feel every minute of the day but it may also a phase, my son had it too when he was younger and now at age 15 I don't see him unless he wants food or money and I miss him!
You are NOT wrong to be horrified at her weight. 200 lbs is not seriously overweight, it's obese, and by encouraging or even enabling her weight gain, I don't think it's overly dramatic to say this mother is contributing to a host of long term physical and mental health problems in this kid. HOw can possibly have a normal social life if she is obese at this age? Unfortunately, you are not going to make a big difference with the small amount of (overall) contact and sadly, when mom's selfish behaviour reaches it's height and does give you custody, it may be too late to really alter the situation. Wow, I feel bad for all of you.
PS: Did the depressed dog come for six weeks? LOL

Trish, I think you're totally on the right track. Getting her involved in some fun family exercise each day will obviously help her physically--but I think it'll help her mentally, too, in that she will get some obviously much-needed attention during your walks (attention that she doesn't seem to get when she's away from you two!). Sounds like when she's not with you, she's on the way to a lifestyle of eating-to-feel-better. Maybe if she can see that exercising and eating healthily will make her feel even BETTER than food, she'll turn to that instead. I admire you for your dedication to this. You sound like you are such a positive influence in her life! And six weeks can make such a difference. When my DH and I had our SD for three weeks straight last summer, she slimmed down AND grew noticeably taller, plus her whole persona seemed "lighter," if that makes any sense! (Hm. Nutritious food makes such a difference, doesn't it?!)

Hey Trish!

Also think about water stuff, swimming, canoeing - kids are so drawn to that in the hot summer, and they don't even realize how much exercise it is!

12 is a real "in-betweener" age for girls. They are really feeling that pull of wanting to be grown up, but not feeling secure about themselves yet. Throw in a poor body image, and a divorce situation - and her being a little clingy is really not terribly out of place at all.

I know my daughter (turned 11 last week) goes back and forth between wanting to sit in my lap and cuddle and wanting to wear makeup. And she is going back and forth daily about being excited/scared to death of starting middle school in the fall. Daily? Heck, she'll make the statement "I can't wait..." then follow it with a "you don't think this will happen?"

Top off everything with a few little starting off hormones thast are firing - and you've got a mood shifting, semi-insane, adolescent girl. Not too different from this mood shifting, semi-insane, post-hormonal woman!

Trish,

I hope you'll keep us up to date about how the visit goes. Hang in there!

Oh wow, folks.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa. Did I ever go into that one blind. I totally romanticized this visit. I thought we'd do stuff, we would learn, cook, exercise, and be a family.

Oh. My. God. It was having a surly demanding clingy lazy houseguest. Exercise lasted 3 days before the pout-'n-whine fest. Getting her to do ANYTHING other than sit on her butt (computer or TV) was like pulling teeth. Prying her out of bed in the morning involved an alarm clock and three personal visits from her father, usually terminating with a raised voice. She exhibited clear emotional manipulation tactics. What was worse was the constant know-it-all opinions, usually involving "You should (spend some outrageous amount of money to "fix" whatever she thought was inadequate)"

By the end I was a screaming harpy to poor DH, who didn't deserve it. I flat out resented her presence, her neediness, her selfishness, her inability to do anything without being nagged. I dreaded coming home at night, and was glad when I got pulled into 12 hour days and weekends at work. I ended up in tears every couple of days because I was totally convinced I was a horrible horrible person for feeling this way, and that I was totally screwing up.

Good things: she *did* lose some weight - her clothes were "falling off" and she was down to 176.

I never told her what exactly I thought of her sainted mother, who I heard a lot about.

I tried (and who knows if I succeeded or not) to teach rather than yell.

I found out yesterday that her parents' marriage was less than a year old when she was conceived; That wasn't an agreement, it was an unemployed 20-yr-old girl announcing she wanted a baby, and she was throwing out the birth control. Yes, it was his fault for going along, but I was appalled. We've been married for over two years, and we're just now getting totally and completely comfortable with this marriage thing. We're improving every day. I can't imagine having the stress of a helpless baby added to our marriage now, let alone if we were young and broke and having problems.

I do feel bad for her. I certainly wish she would hurry and grow the hell up, and our personalities do NOT mesh well besides, but she's a sweet kid. And that's the hard part, too. She certainly does not *look* like a kid, and I kept expecting her to act and react like an adult.

Here's hoping I didn't mess her up *too* much.

Hey, Trish,
I'm so sorry it wasn't the visit you were envisioning. It's so hard when our expectations aren't even close to being met. I read somewhere before my DH and I were married that marriages in which one of the spouses already has a child end up in divorce 75% of the time due to the additional stress of the "step" dynamics. Anyone who's in this situation can understand that statistic at times; looks like you also experienced some of that stress! Try to remember that there will be ups as well as downs. The "downs" will really, really hurt and/or anger you sometimes, but those "downs" always come to an end. If you and your DH can ride it out, it's worth it. When will you see you SD again? Maybe next time will be better; maybe she had to get it out of her system, so to speak!?

Wow, Trish. I am so sorry. I totally understand your frustration. Manipulative stepdaughters can be the most difficult people in the world to deal with. I hope when the dust settles you are able to see past the maniplulation and see the insecure little girl underneath...and be proud of yourself for biting your tongue til it bled to not dis her mother or wring her neck!!

Hang in there...