I've been with my current bf for about a year and a half now. We have a pretty good relationship...when we're together. Unfortunately, I had to move away to get a new job. He is now about five hours away from me. After coming here, my feelings are confused. Mainly, I would like to settle down eventually and get married. I was hoping that my current would be the one for me, but something he said the other day really hit me kinda hard and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. He basically told me that we couldn't get married because his mother wouldn't let him live it down if we didn't have children. She told him she thinks that women that don't want babies are bad people.
What I don't understand is, why does he let his mother decide his life for him? My bf is a great guy, but god, he can be like a big baby himself most of the time. I really don't think he understands what goes into being a father. It seems that he's looking at it through rose-colored glasses that his mommy gave him. It annoys me especially when I have to sit there and listen to him complain about certain things, like getting up early (he thinks before 10 a.m. is early!) I tell him, "When you have a kid, you're going to be waking up at 3 in the morning to change a diaper, do you realize that??" and he'll say in response, "But my kid won't be like that." Yeah right.
At the end of our arguments, I feel like he's basically going to use me to placate his mother over this issue. I don't want to have to break up with him over it, but it's really starting to get me down. I'm looking for a serious relationship that can grow into a marriage. I want to shed my affections on a grown human being...I don't want to put all my energy into raising a child. That's just not me anyway.
He's known this since the beginning...but when I tell him how it is, he just shuts up or he drops hints that he wants to stick around just to see if I'll change my mind. It just makes me so mad...

What is wrong with people? I know it's been said many times, many ways on this site, but... is she planning to raise this child SHE wants? People shouldn't be guilted into a major life decision like having children. And why do they care if someone else doesn't have a child, even if it's their child opting out. Are they really religious or something? I wonder if this is something she could get over with time, despite what he says?

Have you met her at all?

It may be oversaid (is that a word??) on this forum, but nobody should have a child to appease someone else. If that one thing is something you both can't agree on, I think you should stick with your guns because having a child is not a part-time thing.

Have you tried babysitting kids along with him? Do you have any friends that have kids? Usually they're more than willing to go out for a night if they have a babysitter. Then he might really be able to see how kids act and evaluate whether that's something he wants to do. No offense, but he sounds like a momma's boy to me, and momma's boys will do anything to please their mommas. I personally don't forsee him changing his mind unless his mom changes hers.

...and that's a baaaaad kink in a relationship. I agree with the fact that it doesn't look like he'll change his mind. Mothers-in-law are hard enough to tolerate when everything between you is good, much less starting off a marriage with a major point of contention. He sounds like he IS wearing rose-colored glasses, and a momma's boy to boot (which is ALWAYS bad), while you on the other hand sound like you're very comfortable in your CF decicion. Kids should never be brought into the world after a negotiation, IMHO; rather, both parents (certainly no MIL's!) should want that baby more than anything in the world with no apprehension whatsoever.

Agreed. He's a momma's boy, and you'll always be the second best in his life.

If you are committed to CF, then you need a guy who at least respects the decision, and at best feels the same way. You don't want to be dealing with his resentment and pressure further down the track, and especially not from someone who wouldn't make a good parent anyway. You want someone who wants to be with you for you, and not for the baby you might give him (and his momma).

I know it's tough, but this is not going to make you happy in the long run, so why pursue? Your change of job gives you the perfect excuse to cut him free and start over.

I agree...and I wonder if he is just using that as an excuse b/c he may not be assertive enough to end the relationship w/out using the mom as a scape goat.
Either way, you are probably better off without the extra aggravation on top of trying to adjust to a new life in a new place.

welcome back, dstlady! haven't seen you in a while.

WOW!! First we are selfish, and now we are BAD people

He should ask his mother to explain to him how are CF people bad? Oh yes, and the women who give birth and a few months or years later, they drown their children or kill them, or throw them off bridges and down on to cliffs are GOOD people, right????

Or the ones who give birth and dump their newborns into garbage bins or out their windows are also GOOD people, right again????

Her comment pisses me off and pardon the language...

Pam
New York

If nonparent = bad, then parent = good.

Britney Spears is really setting the world on fire with her parenting skills, don't ya think?

It's just amazing how some squeezes of the pelvic muscles (or a slice from the surgeon) can transform a person from bad to good.

I concur with you! It is time to let go and move on.

Freda7 just posted this quote below in bold on another post and found it quite apropos Okami..

Your time is limited, so don�t waste it living someone else�s life. Don�t be trapped by dogma � which is living with the results of other people�s thinking. Don�t let the noise of other�s opinions drown out your own inner voice.
- Steve Jobs

Take care of yourself, you've only invested 1 1/2 years with the guy, so the investment time has been short. Good luck to you..

Pam
New York

Ah mothers...My coworker's mother said that she needs to have at least 2 kids, that way if my coworker dies, the mother can take one of the kids. As if having a grandbaby is a replacement for an adult child. And anyway...does she think the father of the kid won't have a say in it?! Weirdness....

I have been married and divorced twice, both times my Mother in law was such an awful person it was amazing to me.

I have had all the living with that nonsense that I can stand. It gets awfully crowded in bed when HIS Mother has to be in the bed between you and your husband.

One thing I can tell you is that I was never able to break their grasp on their sons. I don't think its worth it.

If I were to become involved again, I will hit the door if MOMMY is that kind of issue AND I will tell him so as I am walking out the door..."Hon, your cute and sexy as all hell but your MOMMY is a [censored] SO BYE !!"