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Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Angela J. Shirley] #821124 05/15/13 09:17 PM
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Nancy Roussy Offline
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That is interesting what you wrote Lisa. I never once thought that he is doing all that for attention, it may be true. I have tried (stopped last Autumn when he decided he was mad at his brother who happened to be the brother he cuts wood with and gets enough wood for us to not be cold during winters and his big plan was to not go get the wood and somehow we would not of died from the cold eventhough we dont have the money to heat the house with electricity...the next day he decided that his brother said that he was sorry so he got the wood) many times trying to spend time with him doing something he likes and talking about something he likes but every of these times have ended right away with him ignoring it. The last time I tried he had asked me a question and I made a search on the internet and when I told him he mumbled something and went upstairs. It's no use with him so I just ignore him (except when he is at his worst whistling and singing wise) now and just ask him to drive me where I need to (this is why i need to start driving again). And by the way ignoring him does not work, he has never stopped acting badly when someone has ignored him.

My mom has become just like him now so I have to do the same, it's a shame because I at least could have nice talks with her and have fun (watching movies, shows, playing games) but she's the one who made that choice this year. Anyway it's better this way because the little fun I had with her and the nice talks were not erasing all the things she has done to me.

Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Angela J. Shirley] #821138 05/15/13 10:01 PM
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Lisa LowCarb Offline
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Nancy -

It is important not to give up on someone. Yes, it might be hard for him to change his ways. That is natural and normal! It is only by being patient and consistent that we help those who are stuck to try a new path.

Think of the battered women who stay with their abusive partners for years and years. Just trying to help them once, or twice, won't work. You have to hang in there and show them you really mean it.

It's never "no use". It is always a great use to make the effort. Your parents won't be around forever, and you won't regret the efforts you make. You'll only regret giving up.

In the same way, ignoring someone for a little while won't work because they are far too trained in their patterns. They are sure it will work again. And especially if they have no other good things, at least the bad things are better than nothing. So if you give him no good feedback at all, then he has no incentive not to keep trying the only thing he knows work.

I absolutely would make it a daily task to try something positive. Don't give up even if it doesn't work for a week or a month. This is a lifetime of training you are overcoming. And it is absolutely your own best interest when it works. You are the one who will benefit, and he will too.

I don't think your mom made a choice. I think she's overwhelmed and is giving up. Give her a chance.


Lisa Shea, Low Carb and Video Games Editor
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Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Angela J. Shirley] #821150 05/16/13 12:36 AM
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Nancy Roussy Offline
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Lisa,

Thank you for everything, I really mean it. I also mean it when I say that if it weren't for the people that I have met on the internet I would have spent my life without anyone caring about me or at least trying to help. To read posts like yours makes me smile and gives me strenght.

I think that as long as I live in the same house as my parents I have no other choice of giving them a chance. They sure were there as far as giving me a roof and other important material things, if it weren't for that I would of left a long time ago (or would of been thrown out) and never looked back. That is why I always have remorse whenever I either stand up to them or ignore them or look for an appartment that I could afford. It does not erase all the things they have done though and no matter what happens I know that if I ever have children I will cut them off completely, I will not give them a chance to do what they did to me to my own kids, no way. I am alone now so it is my choice, kids no not get that choice (i know i didnt).

They (even my dad...its rare but he can show it) show they have a heart sometimes which in my mind it makes it worst, if they would be completely without compassion it would not hurt so much.

As for my mom she decided to change her behavior with me just because I dared remained her that she had options to get medical help and I told her that it was impossible for me to ignore her dying (she told me that she never asked anything and that i just should ignore whats happening to her), who gets mad because of something like that? She completely ignored me for a few days after that! Since then she has these times when she is like before then she snaps back to when she was mad at me for these stupid reasons. Tuesday she finally met with a real doctor that told her that she will help her but before that she wants my mom to get two tests done (blood work [appointment made today for june 11] and something else [they will call her]) but she eats like ten bites a day and it has been like that for months and her next appointment could be in August, who can spend more than a year without eating and being in pain all the time and keep on going on with life like everything is normal (she does not stop working around the house...she gets mad when i do something that is not my rooms or the dishes) and not kill over? That's crazy but apparently I should just ignore it like my dad does and not care at all!

Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Angela J. Shirley] #821209 05/16/13 11:38 AM
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Hi Nancy and Lisa, Sorry I haven't been back to you both the last couple of days. Like everyone else, I have such limited time, mental space and energy....right now I have so much to deal with....it's really hard. One of the biggest problem is that every time I try to reply quickly, I'm logged out of Bella Online even though I ask my computer to keep me logged in and then when I log in, it takes about three times for Bella Online to recognize my password, etc. which makes everything soooooo slow. Anyhoo....since I left you last had major breakdown, almost hospitalized, serious thinking about divorce...not because of fighting etc, because romantic love has ended with spouse and I'm having a hard time keeping mentally well because of some of his thought processes about money. Sometimes I feel like I need to leave to and start over just by myself.....job is painful, but trying to fix that......lots of decisions to be made. And lots of work to do. House, grandkids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Thanks for your support last time I was on this forum, believe it or not, it did delay breakdown. I've been working with shrink heavily, taking extra Abilify, have an apt today again. I think I might take a week off from work so I will not feel so pressurized. Take care, will try to check in more often. I need you and I hope I can help you at some point in time. Ruby

Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Angela J. Shirley] #821347 05/16/13 05:15 PM
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Nancy Roussy Offline
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Wow Ruby I am very sorry to hear all that! I really hope it gets better for you and very soon! I too feel better when I come here and read all the nice replies to me. Take that vacation and take care of yourself! {HUGS}

Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Angela J. Shirley] #821348 05/16/13 05:17 PM
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Nancy Roussy Offline
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Today I am better than yesterday. I did something new today (get a money order) and new things always stresses me out even when they are very small but thankfully it went well at the post office so that helped me. If I would of gotten to be earlier I would of gotten up earlier and I would of taken a walk after that little errand, today had a perfect weather for a nice long walk.

Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Angela J. Shirley] #821543 05/17/13 03:44 PM
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One of my aunt called less than one hour ago and she told my mom that my grandmom barely was able to get to the phone so my parents went there to try and get her to go back to the hospital and she refused. My grandmom is just like my mom and dad, all of them always refused to get medical help and when they do they have waited too long. I have many faults but I don't have that one.

Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Nancy Roussy] #821624 05/17/13 09:44 PM
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Nancy -

Parents are definitely human beings who make all sorts of mistakes. We can't change the past, we have no time machines. So all we can do is try to work on the present. That is all we ever have control over.

I hesitate to call anything "crazy". We all have different views on the world and that is fine. It is natural and normal that others have views different from our own.

Let's say your mom was brought up to feel a woman should be quiet and a hard worker. Her job was to keep the home as "homey" as possible, and to hide her own worries and issues. Lots of women are trained from birth to be that way. So she is doing what she was trained to do. She feels it is her job - her reason for being there - to keep the house clean. If someone else tries to take that away from her, then she's not worth anything any more.

It would be like if I loved painting pictures. I adored doing this, it made me feel meaningful. Then someone came along and said "It's OK, I will paint your pictures for you." I would be upset by this. This is what *I* am supposed to do, it is what brings meaning to my world.

It's very hard to undo training that has been done to you since birth. It seems so natural and normal that other ways of life seem quite bizarre.

So it is fantastic that you helped her to take a small step out of her comfort zone and start talking to a doctor. Maybe that will help to show her that she *can* be responsible for the home, and also still take care of herself too. That's a hard lesson for many women to learn, and many never learn it.


Lisa Shea, Low Carb and Video Games Editor
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Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Ruby June] #821627 05/17/13 09:57 PM
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Dear Ruby June -

That is very odd about the system losing track of you. It sounds like there might be a cookies issue with your browser. Browsers' cookies files can easily get corrupted. I recommend going to your browser's settings area and clearing all cookies. Doing that once a month or so can really help with browser performance.

I'm so sorry to hear about your stress levels.

Many studies show that money is the top issue between couples, so know that you're par for the course there. I know money is an issue in my relationship and it was in my marriage (I'm divorced). So that is typical, and the challenge is how to cope with it. We're happy to help! If you post the kinds of issues you have, either here or in one of the money forums, we'll help you brainstorm.


Lisa Shea, Low Carb and Video Games Editor
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Re: What is your stress level today? [Re: Nancy Roussy] #821630 05/17/13 10:00 PM
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Dear Nancy -

Ah, see, so your mother was trained to be like this from birth. This is the only way she knows how to be and it was drilled into her head. So now she has to try to unlearn that which is really, really hard.

What is a shame about that way of looking at life is that it often ends up costing more time, money, and stress. It doesn't "save" anything. If you treat something early, or prevent it, then there are very little costs. If you let something fester and grow, then the costs and time and stress can be astronomical.

I.e. even if we assume your grandmother doesn't want to be a "bother" - it ends up causing far more trauma for everyone if she keeps having small issues, vs if she simply gets it taken care of and is better. So it doesn't achieve her actual goal.

Is there an option to get home-care for her, so she can stay home (which is probably very important to her, her role as home-take-care-of-person) and also be taken care of herself?


Lisa Shea, Low Carb and Video Games Editor
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