BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Life Coaching Advice? Anger management problem!

Hi, This is my first post here and I think I just need someone to talk to but I am too embarrassed to reach out to my friends or family! I am a professional working woman with a supportive live in partner who doesn't have a traditional job. We have very different cleaning habits and this leads to problems often. We don't yell and we communicate pretty well. Yesterday we had a small gathering at our house and I was frustrated because he didn't help clean, cook or prepare. After the party was over my partner told me I had drank too much. I had been the only one prepping for the gathering, cooking during it and cleaning afterwards and my frustration from the day crashed out. I walked out of the room and threw a chair across another room, breaking it. My partner said he was afraid of my behaviour and slept on the couch. Today we are speaking and I apologised but I feel terrible. I haven't done anything like that in a really long time. My partner is great in almost all situations and I feel like I am losing control of myself somehow. Does anyone else feel like this? What can you do? Thanks,

Sounds like me you were feeling used and frustration set in. Rather a chair get broken then to hit someone, etc. You need to tell your partner either he help or pay someone to come in and help you like a cleaning crew, etc. By the time you did all you did, you were too wiped out to enjoy the party.

Now I am not condoning throwing chairs, but can completely understand why you did it. Just get some help next time or tell your partner he needs to do his share! Good luck!

Tina

Little Bird,
Please go get help. In some states you could be put in jail for domestic violence.
There is more going on for you then just the one habit you mentioned. Please go get theraputic help.

Maria

Thanks Tina, I think I sometimes have trouble asking for help when I need it. Today I was reading a bit about being able to say 'I am angry' at appropriate times as well. I will be replacing the chair and I am hopeful that if we talk about it more I can avoid the situation in the future. I was just really sad about this all day today but I am feeling a little better now. I appreciate your taking the time to say you understand the frustration. All the best, Little 8ird

Your welcome... hope things go better at the next event...

I agree with Tina about hiring someone to help with cleaning. I realize we're all on super-tight budgets but often you can find someone to help and it's only the money for one dinner out. It's worth eating in for that one dinner vs having the stress pull you guys apart.

You both have different expectations and that's fine. So bring in help so neither of you ends up resentful.

Maria -

I'm inclined to believe a poster when they say they had a one-time flare-up. It sounds like you're a therapist? It must be challenging not to be cynical in that profession.

Lisa
As an online editor of Bella, you should know better than to call people names and not look up their background.

But more than that, just because it's the first time --- she could have killed him with that chair. No one in the courts would care that it's the first time.

Domestic violence is domestic violence. The women is best served getting help. Something isn't right and it came out this time, this way. Next time he and she may not be that lucky as to not cause phyical damage. But the emotional damage in now involved in their relationship.


http://www.thehotline.org/ anyone who watches themselves or others call people names, hit, throw, etc. can call this number. If you start feeling yourself getting angry again, call the number. They will help walk you through it.

You can also learn early the signs of abuse. It can start with words and then escalate. OR it doesn't have to be that way. You may learn that you, too, were a victim at one time -- or you don't have to have been a victim to do it to someone else.

No one should have to be on any side of domestic violence. Because today, there is therapy and lots of help help, hot lines, etc.

Please get help.

Dear Marisa -

I'm confused. It may be a regional thing, but in New England the term Therapist is an honorable one. It is a person who tends to work with couples who are having serious difficulties.

Your post seemed to imply that you had experience with these matters.

I don't "research" forum posters - I try not to intrude on their lives more than they themselves wish to share here in the forums.

One of the many important things a trained coach learns, when they attend school, is the boundaries between coaching and therapy. And how being honest is always the most important things we can offer.

Dear Maria -

I agree completely - compassionate honesty is the foundation of numerous religions and ways of life. The more we can nurture and support each other, and listen to each other, the better our world could be!

Merry Christmas.

To Lisa,

I am in accord with your post.Being a coach in somthing,means ,experience diplomas
Etc.I checked the Coach Maria.com,site,did not see anything special,than all others that advertise being COACHES.

Loong

Hi Lisa and Maria, I may not have been very clear the first time but I went into another room and threw a chair at the ground, nothing was thrown at or near my partner. It still worried me though and frightened him. Perhaps it doesn't matter much but I ignored Maria's advice because I believe she misunderstood me. I don't think going to another room and throwing something at the ground is really considered 'domestic abuse' anywhere. I could be wrong though. In any case, the website she has posted is a helpful resource and I think it's great to put it up here in a public forum so that other people who might have escalated far beyond where I am currently at can consider getting the sort of help that Maria recommends. I don't hear people talk very much about how women can feel helpless and react in violent ways out of anger. I think it is useful to have a dialog about that up here. No one has posted in response to say that they have ever felt the same way so perhaps it is rare. Anger can build up when communication isn't happening in the way that it should in any relationship and with any gender. I am interested in other people's thoughts though... Best, Little 8ird

I was so angry once at my spouse, right now the reason I can't remember. I took my glasses and just bent them to pieces. Of course, then I had to go buy a new pair but the anger had built up and it was the closest thing to me to destroy.

When the kids were little, I would get so stressed and could feel the anger building at something they did, or just overwhelmed that I would just have to go into a room and lock the door til I had time to calm down. Those moments do not happen often, but when they do, it is scary.

I think when we get overwhelmed or stressed beyond our limit, we tend to act. It is important before that happens to think and plan what we will do when it happens, sort of have a plan. It might be to leave the room, count to ten, call someone or just plain ole scream your head off, but plan something so we don't react violently. It's important to also plan on what we might say. It is usually during these times I might say something to a loved one, that later I will regret. So, I try to remember when I feel that way, to keep quiet. Not always easy.

Even the best of us have those moments, it is what we do when they happen that is important. You know you have this tendency to get stressed and react, so plan now what you will do, or get some help to help you deal with those situations. The fact you are asking in the forum means you are strong and know that a more appropriate actions should have been done, and I am sure you will be just fine after you have had time to ponder and think it thru. Happy Holidays...

Sorry Little bird, I did not get the part that you didn't hit him.

Glad you liked the resource. Please don't ignore the advise to get help that I mentioned as well as others mentioned.

Anger, as an emotion is a human emotion. It's even part of the stages of grief.

Anger, not dealt with can turn into rage or worse.

As far as women getting angry there are organization for men who have dealt with such answer and websites, like the one I sent you that help, too. But far more men who abuse women; at least that what the stats show. It's used as power -- to control others.

There are many good resources for dealing with anger. Dance of Anger is a book and CD. There are even medical reasons (often hormonal) that involve anger. Anger turned inwards can also lead to depression.

There are many resources online. Here are a few
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Dear Little 8ird -

Many therapists have posted in these forums over the years regarding this exact issue. Their suggestion, when a person gets to that state, is to do exactly what you did. Go to another room and release your anger there. They often talk about hitting pillows repeatedly or other similar activities. Many talk about the catharsis of going to a gym and using a punching bag for a while. So the advice of leaving the situation and taking out the energy on an inanimate object is quite common and accepted.

Is it better not to get to that state? Absolutely. But for someone *in* that state, that advice is moot. At that point the advice has to be about how to safely release the stress. And then going forward the next steps can be taken.

I thought you were quite clear in your initial post that you deliberately left the room with your partner in it and went elsewhere to release the stress. Which was quite a good thing to do.

I think if it were me, I also will lose control of myself. Nobody can really do not fuss about something. But we need to live happily.