BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence signs of an abusive man.....

I'm in a relationship with a man who seems like the perfect man. He's a awesome father, charming, handsome, polite etc., however, I'm afraid that our relationship may become abusive. He has choked me twice and he has threatened to kill me if I ever leave him. I really don't know what to do. He also has a way of making me feel like everything is my fault. He has told me that he would never hurt me yet he tends to publicly humiliate me when we are together. I'm worried because he has become violent on two separate occasions but at the same time I'm wondering if things will ever get better.

From what you write, how is that guy the perfect guy? what is so perfect and charming about choking and humiliating? I would say, run, run and never look back.

I agree with Solalux. Why do you think it's ever okay for him to be violent?

Anyone who threatens to kill you if you leave is a psychopath. Get help legally and from the authorities. There are many agencies that will help women and their children in these situations. Check with social services in your community. Perhaps family and friends would be willing to help also. The bottom line is this, your husband is a danger to you and to your children, and as a mother it is your responsibility to protect your children from harm, whether they are being abused or are seeing you abused. Look out for yourself and for your children. You all deserve better, and deserve to live without fear.

I agree with them, qb2183. I'm sorry to say this but i believe that if your man really loves you, hurting you is not one of the ways to show it. Have you consider talking to him and letting him open up? If you really love that person then what I can suggest is to help him get over with his problem, with the help of a professional. I'm praying that you will overcome this.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I have been holding everything inside and this forum has truly helped me vent and express my feelings and concerns. I don't want to leave mainly because I am still holding on to hope that things will get better. My dad was abusive towards my Mom was his dad. The abuse lasted for about a year, however, he received counseling and the abuse stopped. I guess I'm hoping that he will change. I don't know what to do. On one hand I'm scared to leave because he keeps track of my every move and wants me to check in and on the other hand I feel like he may change if he gets help. Overall, I'm worried that his next outburst will be worse.

Yes, that is the scary part, wondering when he will unleash his anger again, and how bad will it be the next time. It is so hard with abusive men, because obviously they are not like that all the time. They can be sweet, affectionate, supportive, funny and seem like the perfect partners. But then when the darkness is released it is so scary - I often find myself wondering, who is this man, and what has he done to my loving boyfriend? To me, these sides of him are two polar opposites, which makes everything sooo much more confusing. I too live in fear of the next outburst, and unfortunately for me, they keep getting worse. I wish you good luck, and if you truly love him and feel he has the power to change, get into to counseling now. Do not wait. The longer you wait, the more he will feel he can get away with. Draw your boundaries now, you will be glad you did.

qb2183, you are NOT ALONE. There are a lot of scared women under the same pressure in every community. Talk to someone. You have got to find a way to contact a battered women's organization. They know how to handle this kind of scary mess and will help you have a plan. I think having a plan in place, ready to go, is something every woman needs. It will help you feel confident that you have things set up if you need to act on the spur of the moment.

Really, these organizations know exactly how to advise you and help. It's what they do and they are there for you 24 hours.

I wish you the best. Please let us know how you decide to lay your plans. Hugs to you and ever other scared person in this forum. There is help!

qb2183, you described perfectly most abusers - they are incredibly manipulative, and believe it is their right to be that way.
Being honest about what is going on around you and happening to you are wonderful steps.

Jilly has some excellent advice above. Years ago, I went to my local women's shelter just to see what options I had if things didn't change (they hadn't changed in the previous 9 years, except for getting worse.... but I didn't see it that way at the time.)

I checked in as a resident within a few weeks after another escalation cycle began. That safety plan probably really did save my life.

Every woman has to make her own decisions, based on what opportunities exist and the reality of her own unique situation. by looking around at what is available, you will be able to make your own best decisions - and any women's shelter or DV victims organization will help you to find your own path. These organizations can help you to assess your safety, and may also be able to let you know what prospects exist for rehabilitating your partner.

Sadly, abusers who do not experience any consequences for their abusive behavior or who do not get into batterers programs do not get better. Consequences meaning filing a police report and him getting convicted for assault. They learn they can get away with it. Additionally, of those who experience consequences and wind up in programs, less than 50% actually change their abusive behavior at all, and many of those who do improve still have domineering and controlling attitudes.

It sucks when someone else makes all the decisions, and leaves you feeling guilty about it. You have already taken a huge step by even asking about your situation here on the forum. Know that you are not alone, and that there are many out there who are scared or who have been in very similar situations.

Love, hugs, and blessings to you - please do keep in touch with us and let us know how it goes!