I've been busy lately, so I've just now been reading all the updated posts (welcome newbies!). Listening to everyone rehash their tales of failed relationships due to the kids issue, it made me wonder: Have you ever avoided having a romantic relationship with someone you really liked because you knew they wanted kids someday and there was just no point?
I know so many of us didn't always know for sure, so we ended up just going for it and hoping for the best. I know I spent the first few years of my marriage worried my husband was going to decided he'd rather have kids than be with me (I told him before we married I wasn't going to have kids, and although he wanted them he said he'd rather have me).
I was just curious if anyone say, became friends with someone and you both wanted more, but chose not to pursue it because you knew it was a bad idea. Or, are/were we all doomed to give into our hearts just to feel the sting of heart break later?
Fortunately my husband of ten years did not want kids as fervently as I. Now that I am single again, I don't even want to date. Or at least, not have intimacy. I don't even want the chance that I could get impregnated!
I wonder if i could date someone and not do the deed?
I stopped dating a guy who just said "when I have children...." when I was 22. I think I have done it more often, I used to date "fun" guys at that age, the kind that would make such a comment too, but those were guys I wasn't taking seriously anyway. But this particular guy was like the perfect guy, very good looking, sport type, hones,t no bulls*** kind of young man. I never returned his calls, I still feel funny about that almost 20 years later.
After what I have gone through with two marriages and another close relationship, I know I would never date someone who wanted children. If they had their own children already that might be ok, as my deceased boyfriend has a daughter he'd see every other week, and everything worked out fine.
Good thing for me I am in my mid 40's. Hopefully the men I'd date are pretty settled in their life by this time, but having kids in your 40's these days is almost like a fashion statement for some. I think finding out early in the relationship if someone wants children or not in their future is worth it, so that if both people are not on the same page they can go their separate ways before deep feelings have developed.
Debbie Grejdus Spirituality Site Editor Spirituality Forum Moderator
Absolutely about the fashion statement thought. It weirds me out. I have a friend my age - 44 - with THREE very young children. I find it a complete drag but he seems to be enjoying it. I have the hardest time comprehending why. Children are a boring, expensive, time consuming burden.
It's just so crazy for me to think that had I known then, and been as positive as I am now that I have no desire to have children, I might have passed up dating my husband because I knew he wanted kids. I'm not saying that is not the right choice to make at all, I'm just saying I can't imagine it myself. How different would my life have been for the past 10 years?! From all I have seen, I definitely know we are apparently the exception to the rule when it comes to people who don't want kids marrying people who do/did. Man, it's a crazy world out there. I feel insanely lucky.
Having dated someone who really wanted kids 'for fun,' I wouldn't go there again. He fell in love, leaving him agonising over whether to give up the option of having children. If a man really is certain he wants kids, it's as arrogant of us to think, 'he'll change his mind to keep me' as it is for a man to think 'I'll wear her down eventually'. Sadly, I think if a guy really wants them, it's best to walk away and avoid the inevitable heartbreak. Having said that, the pool of men who don't want them seems so miniscule, I might get desperate...
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