BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The pressure of having kids

Hello there, i am new to this group but felt as if i should search this morning for any articles on women who do not desire to have a baby. I am 32, married for 16 months, yet we are together for 12. My husband and i love one another dearly and have gone through many struggles together. We are not exactly financially stable and when people ask why we do not have kids, we always say its too expensive. What i dont understand is people's blatant disregard for the privacy of another human being as to ask such a question. Anyway, i am not on birth control and have always just told my husband, if it happens, it happens and he agrees. We are both ardent movie lovers, we love going to the cinema, the arcade and spending quality alone time together. One of the things we will miss terribly if we should have a child together is the privacy and enjoyment of doing what we want, when we want. I am however struggling with feelings of fear and insecurity as to whether i will have regrets should we not have kids. Should one of us die, how will the other one feel and so on. I have spoken to a therapist and i must be honest she has not helped me reach any kind of peaceful conclusion to the decision. Any kind of input would be greatly appreciated, thank you

Well I won't tell you what to do, I will say that once you have a baby, you can never change the effects that it has on your body, mind and spirit. It changes your body forever in most cases. Your physiological health is also at steak (postpartum depression, general depression, mental illness) I know too many people who become severely depressed after giving birth and it really never goes away. If you do chose to remain child-free, you can always change your mind at some point. Even when you can't have your own babies anymore (1.e. your egg quality will go down as you get older, or you'll hit menopause.) you can always adopt to create a family when you are more financially stable. Believe me, I understand what you mean about the financial issues, I have just moved out of my parent's place and in with my fiance, and I do not have a job yet so we're supported right now only on his income. Though times are not particularly hard, we're certainly in no position to bring children into the world even if we wanted to. But, this online community is great because everyone here is going to support you, no matter what your decision. I don't know if I've been particularly helpful to you, but I saw you asking for help, and just thought I'd offer some information from my experiences and opinions.

Hello there Thanks so much for your reply. It has helped thanks, every bit helps. I told my husband about this site and he would love to join a site to hear what men have to say about this issue. The other day, he was working shifts so he was off during the day. He went to watch a movie and said he enjoyed the peace and quiet that came with no kids being at the cinema. I completly agree, i guess all i can do is weigh my options. It is my emotional side that wants kids. At this point it looks like the no kids option is winning. Thanks,

Welcome! Glad you're here. You know, when I read Eat, Pray, Love, the author's friend told her: Having a child is like getting a tattoo on your face. You have to really, really, really want it and it's forever. Something that helps me is also this: If I don't wake up every single morning passionate about having a child, I just don't think I should do it. Having a child isn't something anyone should feel lukewarm over or sometimes want. Just my opinion. I would maybe find another therapist. Mine's been helpful at getting me to figure out the why's of why I don't want children. That's so reassuring. Keep posting and good luck!

I echo gogirl's quote from Eat, Pray, Love. As a mother of 2, that has always stuck with me as well. It is 100% true. If you are ambivalent, don't do it. It becomes the primary part of your life, and it should if you do it.

That said, if you want to have kids, deep deep down, but are worried if it is "the time," there really isn't a time. At some point you just go off birth control. I mention this only because you said that is what you have done. But here's the thing. If each month, you really, really want that period to come, there's your answer. Get back on the birth control, because kids deserve better than being left to fate. But if each month, you are hoping that period will never come, then picture the month when it doesn't and you buy a pregnancy test. What do you want it to say? There's your answer.

As far as depression or body issues... I can't speak for depression, but the rates aren't so high for those who don't already have indications that I'd chalk this up as a reason alone not to have kids. As far as weight, I am working off 15 pounds I don't want. But this is not because of my kids. It's because I'm 38. Perhaps the child-free can hold this off for longer... I've always suspected that each pregnancy adds about 5 years to your physical age. But eventually your age catches up with you and your metabolism and you simply don't get to maintain your weight without changes to your diet and fitness routine. This isn't really due to kids.

But the most important thing is not to do it until you are ready, if you ever are. And when I have peeked in on this site from time to time, I can tell you that you have found a fabulous support group for those who know they do not. Because I can only imagine how difficult it is to subvert that expectation and think the things I have seen on this board said to the child-free are appalling.

Good luck!

that was a great post Nicki, it's always good to hear from mothers too, giving a balanced and intelligent insight to all chosen paths. I agree with all above, especially imagining if you become pregnant.
I know when I really think hard about it, it fills me with fear and dread - and I completely agree with Nicki, children deserve the very best love and attention, otherwise don't.
It breaks my heart to see unloved / unwanted kids, and we all see the damage that does to society as a whole.
children shouldn't be ' because that's what we do' but desired, and smothered in love and support.

As for the what happens if one of us dies - it's been said many times here, but there's no guarantee your offspring will fill that void of losing a partner, or even be around for you in that event.
Life is so complex, and is all about the friends and family you have around you. you get out what you put in, so having loving people around you can be as wonderful as having a child.
The decision is wether you want to raise children or not.
The love and support around you is earned just the same.
hugs for you difficult choice.

With every decision in life there is the what if's and the shoulda, coulda, woulda's. Some people want children with every fiber of their being. It's a yearning that can't be stopped until that goal is reached. Like the other posters have said if it's not something that you desire with every fiber of your being then maybe it's not for you.

Where is the pressure coming from? Is it from society or yourself? Doesn't sound like your husband is pressuring you about it. Who do you feel you will disappoint if you don't have a child?

Thank you so very much for all the wonderful replies. I had some more quiet time this weekend and thought about my family, how i was raised and my relationship with my mother. It is a very distant one indeed, dont get me wrong, i am not trying to say that not wanting to have kids is due to a bad relationship with one's mother. I am merely sharing what i have discovered about my feelings and how that has caused me to fear so much. Up until now i never felt free to discuss my fear and sometimes non desire to have a baby so forgive me for a possible overload of posts. The writing always helps. To Jellyfish, thanks for your reply, the pressure i feel is always coming from society and family members, my grandmother, bless her sweet heart even went as far as saying i should start making a baby now before she dies. I felt so overwhelmed and felt so heartsore at the same time. And thanks again for the replies everyone..

You can only live your life for yourself, not society not your family, not the mailman only you. As much as your grandmother loves you and would love any child she might see you bring into the world, she is not the one who's going to be up at 3am with no sleep.

She's not the one who's going to deal with the terrible two's, the teenage years, buying new clothes and shoes every three months. She's not going to be the one who has to pay for college, you are. It's not going to change her life drastically but it will change yours.

Don't feel the least bit guilty for living the life you want to live. People always think they can get a say in the way other people choose to live their life.

very well said thisisesycash :) It's very hard if your life choices don't fall in line with what society, family/friends "expect" of you. And you only have to turn on the TV to get bombarded with pro-family images... babies being used to sell cars, and for heaven's sake even ORANGES now! (cuties are for kids) Very glad to hear IsabellaAfrica you're taking quiet time to examine how you feel, in my opinion, that's the best thing you can do for yourself to figure out what is right for you.