BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Love husband, HATE marriage

I also posted this on the Marriage site but I think you all are much more my "peeps"...

I think I got married too late in life...

I got married at 37 and have been married for 2.5 years. I really hate it.

I hate that there is a man in my house, making messes, playing music I hate, watching TV I think is idiotic. I hate that I can't just have a nice bag of steamed veg for dinner if I want, that we have to have "a meal" together (I have gained almost 20 freakin' pounds!!!). I hate that we don't like the same foods. I never realized how terrible it is to live with someone who thinks they need to have dinner every night togther but doesn't like to eat the ame thing you do. I suffer through bland dinners because it's what he likes and I've given over the cooking to him since I have no capacity to cook anything he likes.

I hate that he feels like he gets to wake me up in the morning just because he is up (I'm sleeping, leave me the hell ALONE!). I hate that I have to be nice to someone when I am in my own house. I hate that I have to put up Christmas decorations (never did before, maybe a very small tree). I hate that he has this idealistic view of what our lives should be and I don't view it that way at all.

I miss dating. Dating was fun, we did stuff. We saw things and went places. Now, it's drudgery.

The truth is, my hubs is way too good for me. He's very patient, kind, loving, does alot around the house. But, I really want to just be by myself alot of the time. He's not working currently, going to school full-time and I'm sort of sick of trying to balance a weekly budget when he doesn't really pay that much attention to what I tell him we can or cannot spend. It's literally down to less than $20 some weeks. He just doesn't get it and I'm tired of thinking about it all the time. He's here at home all the time. I used to travel for work but don't really now and there is WAY too much togetherness.

Just now he came in and asked if I was mad at him. NO, I'm not mad just sick of you being in my face all the time. Of course, I would never say that to him (I hope) but damn, he's soooo needy. The fact of him asking does make me mad. I have a hard time not showing my emotions so when I am annoyed, he takes it personally. It's like living with another woman some days.

I really miss my guy friends. Before marriage, most of my close friends were men. I love men. Men says it like it is (mostly), they like sports and politics and are not easily offended. I don't have any women friends, we don't have kids and we won't have kids (thank God, I'd be a disaster of a mother!). Now, I can't hang with my guy friends and all the women I know have kids. That's a pointless proposition: childless woman trying to be friends with a mommy. Yeah...

So, that is it. Thanks to anyone who read this long rant. It's been a long time coming and I just had to get it out. Why tonight, I don't know.

I'd LOVE to hear from anyone with even remotely similar feelings or situations. Cheers!

Hey there,

I cant connect with the marriage thing as I never have been, but I definitely understand the feeling of enjoying the earlier days of dating when it was not routine and you would go to do different things.

I too have a lot of guy friends, is your husband a jealous man? I think as long as they are not previous partners it should be fine to meet up with them and have a coffee or play a mixed sport.

Have you thought about talking to him about how you want to maybe make it more exciting? e.g make a regular date night or join a sport together and get out there?

It sounds like it was just a mistake.

People make them, we're human. A mistake is different from an investment.

An investment runs into highs and lows and depending upon what your heart is really after, be it love, money, excitement/movement, etc. the highs are usually worth fighting for.

But from what you've described and maybe it was just one of those bad day things, but if it isn't, maybe it's just one of those things where you sit down and tell him what you're feeling.

After laying everything out, maybe he'll feel change is something he's willing to do...like he's not even aware of how you feel?

If not, you were friends before, maybe you can remain friends and undo the marital stage you're currently playing?

Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel? Communication is very important in a marriage, especially if you feel as strong as you say.

I might be wrong, but it seems to me that you are not in love with your husband. You might like him a lot, and even love him, but not be "in love". When you are in love, you want to be with that person all the time (I know it's cliche but it's true) and the daily routine of cooking, cleaning, etc doesn't bother you, at least not as badly as it does to you.

That is my experience anyway. I've been married 5 years, and even now my heart beats fast whenever I see my husband after work. I still blush or melt when he smiles or stares at me. I often think about him when I'm at work. No amount of daily, boring routine has erased any of the romantic feelings I have for him. Not to say that he doesn't have any bad habits or flaws that annoy me, but they are just not important or I don't give it a second thought. Part of the reason I don't want to have children is that I don't want to share his love!!! I don't want to compete with anyone for his love...I want his full attention now and forever. I want to be his one and only.

Marriage is all about compromise, some are good,some are not so good, and yeah, we don't have the same freedom as if we were single, but if it's a good, healthy marriage, it's worth it.
Maybe things will improve once he starts working again.
Good luck!

Gullivera,

That's a perfect description.

Love isn't a perfect recipe, like you do this, wait for so long, do that...keep the mystery alive (but independance does help keep your own center healthy).

But that flutter, interest, the desire and willingness to let go of your own routine to grow and change, work outside of that comfort zone, it's usually one where energy is alive and worth pursuing...like perpetual growth and that growth is life working on a syncronized level.

I might be old-fashioned, but to me LOVE is what makes the magic happen! There's no place for annoyance/intolerance when you are truly in love. If I could be with my husband 24/7 I would, only the 2 of us though.
I'm not having kids because I would actually be jealous of him/her! Of my husband sharing his love and time. NOOO WAY!!! Immature and selfish maybe, but at least I'm doing what's right for me.

LOVE is the drug I'm thinkin' of !!

I love your rant.

Marriage is a big adjustment, and the "seven year itch" comes at different times in everyone's marriage.

I know the first year was a blur for me and I was going crazy after four years. It hasn't always been the same though, good or bad, many years are different as both of our lives and expectations change over time. My first year, I did what my mom did, dinner on table for both of us after work, did the laundry (even ironed shirts...that was over 20 years ago) and planned every thing. Now there are times we don't eat together, he can cook his own meals, and he does laundry. I still have to plan vacations...my pet peeve since I have to decide and hope it is something the whole family will enjoy. I hated to hear complaints if he would have rather done something else because, well, he didn't take the time to plan or give feedback so I could schedule appropriately.

Missing dating is probably something we all miss. We have friends who started "dating" again before both their daughters left for college so that they were spending time on themselves. I think we should make it a point to date our spouse, as much as we make the time for other important things in our lives, no matter what phase of life we are in. Why do we have to stop being social once we are married?

How can things get better if you don't communicate? I'm sorry to hear anyone would feel this way in marriage. Just a suggestion, talk to him about the dinners....do some experimenting and look for things you both like.

THANKS to everyone! I read all your posts and have considered them. I think it was a bad day but I also think there is a possibility that the romantic love has flown away just due to the serious boredom I am feeling. I was thinking today that we need to schedule date days/nights. Even tho we don't have kids, we're busy and if we don't schedule it, we won't do it and I'll be stuck watching professional wrestling for the rest of my FREAKING LIFE!!!

I've been feeling like I've totally lost myself. I was so into the arts, world issues, local charities, etc. And now the biggest question is: have the cats been fed and are there any new bills. I've even considered just saying that I have to travel for work and taking a bogus journey just to get away and live a little.

I think if I had any close family or friends (have lost most to marriage or mommy-hood), I would be better off. The fact that I didn't come from an intact family doesn't help either. I never grew up around anyone other than single individuals, so my view of life was based on indepenence and freedom.

Just alot of adjustments. I had to get it out last night. I knew you all would be able to give me some good advice, you did. Thanks!!!