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I think I got married too late in life...

I got married at 37 and have been married for 2.5 years. I really hate it.

I hate that there is a man in my house, making messes, playing music I hate, watching TV I think is idiotic. I hate that I can't just have a nice bag of steamed veg for dinner if I want, that we have to have "a meal" together (I have gained almost 20 freakin' pounds!!!). I hate that we don't like the same foods. I never realized how terrible it is to live with someone who thinks they need to have dinner every night togther but doesn't like to eat the ame thing you do. I suffer through bland dinners because it's what he likes and I've given over the cooking to him since I have no capacity to cook anything he likes.

I hate that he feels like he gets to wake me up in the morning just because he is up (I'm sleeping, leave me the hell ALONE!). I hate that I have to be nice to someone when I am in my own house. I hate that I have to put up Christmas decorations (never did before, maybe a very small tree). I hate that he has this idealistic view of what our lives should be and I don't view it that way at all.

I miss dating. Dating was fun, we did stuff. We saw things and went places. Now, it's drudgery.

The truth is, my hubs is way too good for me. He's very patient, kind, loving, does alot around the house. But, I really want to just be by myself alot of the time. He's not working currently, going to school full-time and I'm sort of sick of trying to balance a weekly budget when he doesn't really pay that much attention to what I tell him we can or cannot spend. It's literally down to less than $20 some weeks. He just doesn't get it and I'm tired of thinking about it all the time. He's here at home all the time. I used to travel for work but don't really now and there is WAY too much togetherness.

Just now he came in and asked if I was mad at him. NO, I'm not mad just sick of you being in my face all the time. Of course, I would never say that to him (I hope) but damn, he's soooo needy. The fact of him asking does make me mad. I have a hard time not showing my emotions so when I am annoyed, he takes it personally. It's like living with another woman some days.

I really miss my guy friends. Before marriage, most of my close friends were men. I love men. Men says it like it is (mostly), they like sports and politics and are not easily offended. I don't have any women friends, we don't have kids and we won't have kids (thank God, I'd be a disaster of a mother!). Now, I can't hang with my guy friends and all the women I know have kids. That's a pointless proposition: childless woman trying to be friends with a mommy. Yeah...

So, that is it. Thanks to anyone who read this long rant. It's been a long time coming and I just had to get it out. Why tonight, I don't know.

I'd LOVE to hear from anyone with even remotely similar feelings or situations. Cheers!

Thanks so much for posting this, catluvgal. You are voicing what so many wives feel--at least occasionally and temporarily. We can't help it. We're individuals, too!

Your husband should feel glad that he has an independent wife. Needy, clingy wives can suck the life out of husbands (I can say that because I have been one!) Today, I'm more independent and my husband needs to adjust. Good thing we both have our own interests. But there are nights after a long day when I look forward to reading a book or climbing into bed to watch a tv program...and he comes into the room to say he "just wants to spend time with me" but then he ends up flipping the channel to a different show or babbles on and on to me so I can't read.

There are times when my daughter and I look forward to going out together during the day and he wants to tag along. Great! Except that he always changes our plans completely because it's not what he wanted to do or where he wanted to go.

I've been married for a long time so I've adjusted to the other compromises like making what he likes for dinner even though that means I don't get to make a lot of pasta, zucchini/squash or certain Japanese food dishes because he does not like them. Yes, marriage takes compromise. But it should go both ways. Or, I work around him. My kids and I had our favorite pastas, etc. when he would go out of town or wouldn't be home for dinner. {shrug} Small thing to me since I love that knucklehead of mine.

In your case, catluvgal, you had a lot of years living independently and developing your own lifestyle choices. Marriage takes a lot of adjustment when you merge two lives together. But people get married because it isn't like dating. They want to spend the quiet moments of daily life together. They just like being together whether they're simply in the same room even if they are doing different things.

Of course there are varying levels of togetherness, and a couple needs to find what level is mutually satisfying. Is there anything about being married that you DO like? Is there anything you would miss about being married or about him if he were to live elsewhere?

You also said something interesting about having to be nice to someone when you are in your own house {chuckle}...I'm not sure what that means but it struck me as funny.

Lori said:
"But there are nights after a long day when I look forward to reading a book or climbing into bed to watch a tv program...and he comes into the room to say he "just wants to spend time with me" but then he ends up flipping the channel to a different show or babbles on and on to me so I can't read."

OMG! That is the thing that gets on my nerves almost daily. I'll be sitting quietly reading and comes in, plops down and just starts chatting. Really??? It's SO helpful to know that this is sort of normal.

I didn't grow up with an intact family, so being married has really been a struggle. I had no idea what to expect and really didn't even spend much time thinking about it. Plus, since I don't have anyone in my life to discuss it, it's gotten really lonely and stressful.

I really thank you for your post. It made my day!

Oh, and as far as being nice...

It's just that he is such a sensitive soul that I have to be sure to watch not just what I say but how I say it. He really requires me to be nicer than I am naturally. It's a bit of a drain some days to have to measure my words in my own home.

Oh!

One of the benefits of being married is that you can be yourself with your spouse without being judged. You might want to explain to him that you don't mean any harm if you might not use a lot of tact on occasion.

Also, you seem like an independent soul and he should know that. Maybe you can explain that you need a lot of alone time and that he shouldn't take that personally. Then, set up some definite "together" times so he won't feel neglected. Maybe some date nights?

Oh, there are lots of other annoying things husbands do when wives want alone time! Wives have told me that their husbands:

*eavesdrop and put in their two-cents in the middle of a "private" phone conversation.
*tag along on girlfriend outings.
*play computer games or watch football all day but when they want attention, they expect us to drop what we're doing.
*get nosy and peer over shoulders to read computer screens.
*barge in the bathroom while we're showering, shaving, etc.

Don't get me wrong: I love my husband dearly and usually want to be glued to his side. But there are times when I just want to feel alone in my own "energy". Like during meditation or yoga, being alone feels good because you're in your own energy space. Some nights, I drag my pillow and blanket out to the sofa because I sleep differently when I'm alone. I dunno. I can breathe deeply and the air is still and silent. He makes a lot of noise when he sleeps, grunting and harumphing when he turns over. He leaves the tv on all night long. And he sucks the oxygen out of the room. That sounds horrible, but you know how a man will turn over and exhale morning breath into your face? I want fresh air!!! I have fallen out of bed as I inch, inch, inch away. We snuggle when we first fall asleep, but then he crushes me with the dead weight of his arms and legs. I love him, I promise, but eek--help me--I need space!!! And sleep!!!

LOL. Don't worry. He knows I write about him and I've told him all the above! And he laughs.

BTW, these are the things that wives only tell each other over a cup of coffee. They should be kept "behind closed doors" but if our being open can help each other, then open those doors! Too many marriages are failing today partly because we don't have the support we need to understand the large and small challenges of married life.

There's no rule that says husbands and wives have to sleep in the same bed! I once read a great article by the British Naturalist Desmond Morris who said that he and his wife had a very happy marriage and slept in separate rooms.

He pointed out that humans are, like our closest relatives the chimpanzees, social animals but not herd or pack animals, who naturally want to sleep in a heap together. Chimps have a lot of physical contact with each other during the day, but at night each adult chimp makes itself an individual nest.

I quoted this fact to my husband of 6 months, after I'd spent yet another night on the couch because of his snoring, hogging the covers and flailing his arms around in his sleep! He wasn't wild about the idea at first, but agrees now that separate rooms has worked out really well for us. He keeps his room warm and unventilated; I can be cooler and keep my window open, plus I'm not being woken up several times a night. We both sleep better and get along better during the day too, since I'm no longer cranky and sleep deprived.

I recommend it!

I see nothing wrong with separate beds if you have a mature relationship where you have spent a lot of time in the same bed in the past when all that bonding time was new, have a good relationship, continue to be intimate, etc. If you sleep better you will be better people all around. If it works for both people to have separate beds, I think it is a good idea.

I am seriously considering it although I once thought it was terribly unromantic. In some ways, maybe it will add to the romance because my hubby doesn't have to see the less glamorous side of me.

We can always opt to sleep in the same bed when we feel like it. But it's nice to have an option other than the sofa when one of us is sick or suffering from insomnia.