BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage MALE RELATIONSHIPS OUTSIDE YOUR MARRIAGE

Hi all. There are a lot of things to consider, but first ask yourself, Stormchaser, if you would have just as great a time if it were a female friend you were bowling with.

Is it male attention you are needing and wanting? Or just something to do with any wakeful friend? You mention that you meet up with other male friends but do you have same sex friends as well?

It's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings for these male friends. I get the feeling you are seeking to fill a void in your intimate relationship with your husband. That makes a big difference when you're maintaining opposite sex friendships.

I have opposite sex friendships. I've known one friend for 36 years. But neither of us sees each other as romantic partner material. We never have. And I am fulfilled in my marriage.

You have a sexual history with this guy, and your marital relationship is lacking. It's just dangerous territory. Tread carefully. A guy like your friend (who wants to be a lifelong bachelor) will find you very attractive because you are already "attached" to someone else and won't pester him to get married. A friendship with benefits. My husband's input is that men are not like women. A man doesn't need intimacy to have sex with a woman and typically, if given the chance, he would have casual sex with a female friend unless she was wholly unattractive to him. I don't know if this is true for all men because I know men with more integrity than that, but you can bet I really discourage him from having opposite sex friendships!

Anyway, seeking outside opposite sex friendships is not a good way to fulfill your needs. Fix your marriage first. If all is well at home, then friends of any gender will pose no threat.

Yes, I am hoping that other board members "chime in" and and give me some advice and feedback.

To answer some of the questions you posted;

You asked: My concern here is that you mentioned the male friend did not want "marriage" and that is why you ended up with your present man.

Has this changed? NO IT HASN'T

Or is he the SAME person you dated in the past? THE SAME

Are you willing to accept him never wanting to get married? NO, BUT I AM ALSO NOT LOOKING TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND

Do you work? YES, I do work about 6-7 hours a day on a split shift. I work the AM, have about 3-4 hours to do my shopping, errands, etc. and then I go back to work until about dinner time. I work with children and have very little "adult conversation". I look forward to getting together with a male friend once in a while for lunch to shoot the breeze.

You mention something about wasting my time in an "escape" world. I think we all need an escape once in a while and I do not think of it as a waste. A waste to me is sitting at home after a day of work in front of the computer or tv until bedtime with no social activity whatsoever. This is what has been going on and I need to so-called "get out" once in a while wether it is with my DH or not.

My DH was married before and it only lasted 2 1/2 yrs. His ex-wife ended up being a criminal and he never knew it. He found out when she stole merchandise from her employer while they were married and thats when he found out she had a history of this. Of course, she was fired and afterwards, used her stealing as an excuse as to why she could not find a job. She then became a "bum" and started compulsive shopping causing financial ruin on both of them. That is where my DH started working 2 jobs just to survive and finally ended up divorcing her.

My DH still works 2 jobs and I think maybe it is a security blanket. Not only for "us" but also for him because of what he went through in the past. He wants us to live comfortably and not struggle. If we need the money for an emergency or anything else, it will be there. He feels satisfied in his life because he is doing what a man is suppose to do (work, take care of certain things and feels a sense of accomplishment). On the other hand, on my end as a woman, I feel no satisfaction whatsoever. Me and my DH sit down to a dinner together ONCE A WEEK, I clean the house to make it look nice but then there is no one to appreciate it, etc. Women need to feel needed and show their love and caring through acts of kindness (cooking a nice meal, taking someone to the store or visiting your in-laws). I have never met my in-laws and probably never will. My DH was considered an outcast when he left the family home to start his new life after his divorce and both of my parents died of cancer when I was in my late 20's.

So, what it comes down to is that I am lonely!!!