BellaOnline Forums Home and Garden Organization Living with a Mess-Hater

Dear Jilly -

I admit that part of me is still rebelling a bit, but every couple has its own dynamics that works for that couple and there is never any right or wrong answer. I suppose what is tweaking at me still is that he doesn't like the mess. He gets bothered by the mess. He makes the community atmosphere less-than-content because of the mess. And yet he won't help. To me that is not productive whatever name the community situation is called.

But in the end you can't change him - you can only change your own behavior and ways of reacting. I imagine you've already tried suggesting changes to him and if he won't change, there isn't much you can do about that.

I'm not sure what that type of behavior is even called, where someone likes to be grumpy about someone else's situation and nit-picks at them without doing anything productive to help make the situation better. I love metaphors. To me it would be like a husband complaining about his wife's weight while continuing to bring piles of sugar donuts and cookies and candies and ice cream into the house. He's refusing to be part of the solution, plus he's souring the atmosphere. If he brought in all the cookies and such and was joyfully content with his wife's size, then that would be fine! I think it's the combination of complaining plus not being helpful that bothers me.

But again you can't change another person. If this is the situation you're presented with, then you can work to protect yourself from his atmosphere and also work - at your own pace - to make your world suit your needs.

So I think one key is to definitely celebrate your victories, every step. You deserve a lot of praise for all the progress you've made. You're saving THOUSANDS of dollars by not having the storage shed. That's amazing! You're earning money with your actions with the items. That's super! You literally have free money all around you and you simply get to choose which money you want to take advantage of in a given day. Lots of people would crave this sort of fantastic situation. You live in a money pile. It is an amazing, multi-textured money pile too Your island is covered with money!

Love this topic .

I'm the organized person with a few untidy spaces .

My husband is unorganized, meaning he does not put things back where they belong. Simultaneously, he hates an untidy home. He will clean, but only after the mess is out of control (and that only happens when I am tired of walking behind him putting things away). Worst, his solution is to throw away anything in the pile that belongs to me.

I grew up in a household that had no "clean-up" days for kids. We put things in the spaces they belonged as soon as we were done with them. The kitchen and bath were cleaned daily. Mom only needed to mop floors, wash mirrors & such once a week.

My husband grew up with "days to clean".

The contrast drives us both crazy .

I think we should tell young people to assess these things before getting married .

BTW,

I'm working on improving my contribution to the problem. I thoroughly cleaned my bedroom, the kids' room & the garden room this month. Tomorrow, I will tackle the art closet.

Wish I had a magic spell to teach him to clean up behind himself.

I am feeling for you Jilly. I would have to say I would never expect anyone to organize 'for' me, nor would I organize 'for' someone else. But, and this is a big but, you can and should expect support in the process. In shared spaces the organizing process happens together. There will be give and take, finding common ground and so on. It is truly a team effort. It's too bad you don't have a team atmosphere, but I seriously hope you don't let guilt take over. Guilt should be reserved for when you have knowingly done something wrong. Clearly you haven't. Take pride in your baby steps. That's the best way to create lasting change.

Thank you Kelly Jayne. I am actually working on making this *my* place, since I expect dan will only be here for a few more months. I spent this last week indoors a lot - it's been rainy - and celaning, decluttering, and organizing things the way I like them. My desk is finally workable, and i don't feel like i have to perch on the couch, bent painfully over my netbook, to get things done.

Dan knows he is on the way out, so he really can't complain. In fact, he is being super helpful since he feels bad about leaving me. This might end up being a good thing. I will be lonely with him not here, but I think i will end up with workable systems, and far less pressure to get things done on someone else's timeline.

I am not saying that ending a marriage is the way to solve this problem for everyone, though!

@Lisa, I do have to remind myself of the money saved by closing the storages! It's easy to dwell on the heaps of stuff here and feel bad about that, forgetting how GREAT it is to now have my stuff around me for use.

I keep thinking about what you are saying about a money pile on my island. lol. I am thinking what things might be the easiest to start selling. Besides the metal and recycling.

Dear Yvonnie -

It sounds like many of us are in the same situation. In your case, it seems like you have a partner who contributes to the mess and then contributes to complaining about the mess.

I admit that I have resistant to a person who complains while not taking action to fix the issue. If it is something that bothers him, in a communal home, he should act rather than yelp. It is completely unproductive - and wearying! - to add yelping to communal atmosphere.

Do you, now, have "days to clean"? Maybe it is time to implement them?

I find my boyfriend will sit on the couch all day long, but if I am aggressive about saying "OK **NOW** we are going outside to do something about that mess" he will get up to help. I don't like being in that position. I don't like having to push / force him into doing something I feel he should be doing on his own. But this seems to be the only way (after 16 years) of making progress.

Dear Jilly -

Make yourself a sign. Even if it's a hand drawn scribble for now. Draw yourself a Money Island with even a few symbols representing the money that is all around you. You have consolidated yourself onto your island! You are saving thousands of dollars! That is an amazing feat!

Hmmm, how about a mental drawing? On my island, there is a tandem kayak that I want to turn into a canoe. Lots of recycling scraps that will turn into cash. Nice furniture that I can consign at stores that do that kind of thing. Nice housewares I can sell on CL or other websites. Silver and gold jewelry to sell as scrap. Costume jewelry to sell at booth-type events. Books I can sell on amazon. Land parcels to sell. My RV and two trailers. My dead jeep.

I think that is all my assets. Not including my home!

A mental drawing is quite fine!

All sorts of things, all around you, that's great!

Had an insight today! My mailbox is on a busier neighborhood street than my hidden dirt dead end drive.

so i grabbed one of my cardboard boxes, wrote FREE on it with a sharpie. Then i loaded the box up with random things that are usable that i rescued from a thrift store dumpster and brought this 'free' box to where the mailboxes are lined up. I placed it there.

I hope people take things! I am excited to see if this works.