BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Husband's Yelling Fits..How Much More Can I Take?

This is going to sound sad when I tell you that I just got married in December 09'. I dated my husband for about 2 years before we decided to get married. We are both Catholic but because he was married before, we had to wait for an annulment through the Archdiocese. We decided to go ahead and get married and we did so. A year later, he received the paperwork that his annulment from his previous marriage was granted. We now need to get our marriage blessed in the church. I waited to get married thinking t was going to be for life. I waited for the so-called "right one". I am 39 and husband is 40, but, he has been married before. During our courtship, we only saw each other on weekends because it was a long distance relationship and it worked for both of us. We had our arguments but they were civil. Since we have been married, I have had to call the cops during a screaming match we had and it was late at night. He would not calm down and he scared me so bad that I did think he was going to start throwing stuff. The cops came, he calmed down a little and the cop told me that every marriage has issues and we all fight. Well, guess what! I'm not use to yelling and screaming to the point where it becomes a disturbance to neighbors, etc. It is bad enough that we live in a townhome community so everyone hears everything. And this is my house! I have lived here for almost 7 years and when we got married, he moved here because he only had an apartment. This morning, I came home and bought some lunchmeat for his lunch. It was 9am and he got upset because he could not believe I paid so much. I told him it was convenient and I wasn't going to spend an hour driving around wasting gas finding a cheaper price. He went on and on about how he never paid that much for bologna so I said then he should get it himself from now on then. HE BLEW UP! The kitchen window was open, the neighbors have a newborn and he was yelling so loud I could not even hear the tv. I just sat there quietly and let him do his thing and answered him in a normal voice when he asked a question. This went on for like 10-15 minutes. I continued to tell him to be quiet cause the windows were open and it is only 9am! He just got louder and then stormed off and went to work. Like he knew what he was doing and that he continued on purpose to embarrass me. He blames me for getting him to the point where he yells and screams. It is hard not to laugh because he acts like a child during these tantrums or arguments. He says that if I wouldn't push his buttons or if I watched what I said then he wouldn't get like that. It wouldn't be that bad as far as neighbors and me getting embarrassed if we lived in a single home with an acre of land but I really do not know what to do. He says he doesn't have a problem and that it is me. If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have to yell..WTH?

Hello, Stormchaser. I can see where you would feel surprised, concerned and maybe even frightened about this seemingly sudden change in his behavior. After dating for two years, one would think she really knew her man. The whole long-distance relationship part seems to have painted you a different picture of how it would be if you were in close physical contact with this man on a daily basis.

In any case, you are married now so what to do...

First, I must commend you on the calm way you react and respond during his anger fits. Being calm doesn't add to his ire.

But what concerns me most is his denial and blame about his anger. It doesn't matter if you "caused" him to get angry or not, his over-the-top reaction is inappropriate. He obviously has an anger control issue.

When he is calm and rational, I would discuss this and say, "I am concerned about how angry you get over minor things. Ranting over bologna? I'm not upset with you about this. I am concerned. Is there anything else you're really upset about and are having a hard time telling me?"

"Is there something about me or our relationship that is bothering you?"

And if he insists it it because of the bologna, you need to steer you both to a doctor, marriage counselor, clergy or some other form of professional help because flying into a rage over bologna is not healthy for him or for you or for your marriage.

Ask him to write a list of all the things that you do that "push his buttons" so you can take it with you. Most of them will seem quite trivial and he needs to recognize this.

Also, do you recognize any of the following:

*Does he get angry quickly over other issues that do not involve you?
*Does he have work problems?
*Does he have functional family relationships?
*Does he have road rage?
*Is he typically cynical, jealous or suspicious?

One important thing to consider before you try marriage counseling is to take him for a medical check-up. There are medical conditions that can spark mood swings and even rage.

Also, some men can misdirect their anger. They can be furious about one thing and take it out on you because it is emotionally safer to do so. Or, they can harbor resentments towards you, but find other reasons to lash out. It also can be a way to push you out of the relationship.

But you won't know any more until you reflect back a little more and/or involve a third, objective party to be able to get him to open up honestly. (BTW, do you know how or why his first marriage ended?)

Most men will resist any outside help unless you make it clear that this is serious. Do you have friends and family for support?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't speak at all to your specific situation, but I can tell you that I have a yelling husband. My experience is a little different from yours. I got married the day after I turned 21 - I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 24. I, too, am Catholic, and knew that I was marrying for life. I had the advantage of having seen my husband at his worst, so I knew that he was a yeller. His father is too. In my case, though, I think a lot of that is cultural. He is Cuban, and they are loud and emotional people.

The first year of our marriage was unbelievably hard, and the second wasn't much better. We settled in to being married, though, and things were pretty calm (which is a relative term, of course) until we had our first child. We had a total of 4 in 40 months, so things were a little stressful!

We've been married for 15 years now, and I have learned some things. First, I learned to keep my mouth shut (which you already do, I guess). I'm Irish, so I have a hell of a temper, too. I just learned that the outcome was not worth my speaking up. I just let him run his course. My ADHD, highly gifted 7 year-old son is like oil to my husband's water, though, so he yells a lot at him. In calm moments, I am able to speak to him about the inefficacy of that, but I do worry about what my children see.

My husband has been completely out of control a few times. I could easily have called the police (but we have children). He is not physically violent toward us - ever - but he has thrown things. The thing is that I can see that coming and I know how to ward it off. He has also said the ever-so-ridiculous "you make me," which we all know is [censored].

What am I actually saying here? Everything is about trade-offs. I would never consider leaving my husband. He is my everything, and I can't imagine life without him. His temper is just the cross that we both have to bear. I also know him really well, though -- the advantage of having been with him for 18 years and, essentially, growing up with him. Further, since he is just like his father, I *really* know exactly what I'm dealing with - and what that will look like in another 20 years.

I would first ask your husband to consider counseling of some kind. There is a 12 step program called "Emotions Anonymous" or EA, which greatly benefited my father when I was little. It's an alternative to talk therapy, which many men resist.

Next, consider whether you can live with your husband's outbursts. You know from dealing with your husband's annulment that the Catholic church will consider you married even if you divorce civilly, so that is a consideration. Getting married again would be incredibly difficult. (Although, technically, since your marriage has not been blessed by the Church, they don't consider you sacramentally married, so that could work to your advantage should you divorce).

I'm kind of talking stream-of-conscious here, so I hope I'm coming across as I intend!

Finally, you could always talk to your priest. It's amazing how much insight they have for celibates. They truly have seen everything!

What I can tell you is that I grew up with a yelling father and I have a yelling husband, and successful marriages can come of this. Everything depends on how much you are willing to bear, and on how hard the two of you are willing to work. God bless.

Yes, "how much you are willing to bear" is the key...

Stormchaser is already questioning "how much more she can take."

I'm not saying that you shouldn't tolerate a yelling husband, especially if he has a passionate personality. I'm glad that you, Laura, have been able to cope. You have a very lucky mate! It's usually the women with either very strong self-esteem or very low self-esteem that can cope with this type of man. The former can see past the anger while the latter simply believes she deserves it.

But in some cases (as in Laura's), the angry man simply has learned to express his emotions in angry ways. It's fine if his wife can tolerate it. But if it affects her on an emotional and psychological level...

As for the kids...that is an entirely different matter. Even if the man doesn't want to pursue counseling for himself, it behooves him to do so because it is not good for the kids to see their parents using uncontrollable rage as a way to behave. And getting yelled at by your parents all the time...let's just say that it will affect children differently. Resilient personalities will be okay but another personality can be traumatized.

I do want to stress the importance of getting a medical check-up. I know several men whose rage subsided greatly with medication. Brain chemistry can be helped.

Also, do you recognize any of the following: *Does he get angry quickly over other issues that do not involve you? ONCE, A LADY PUT HER CAR IN REVERSE AND DIDN'T LOOK WHERE SHE WAS GOING AND HIT US IN THE FRONT IN OUR BRAND NEW CAR. HE WENT OFF ON THE LADY AND IT TOOK THE COP AT THE SCENE TO THREATEN TO ARREST HIM TO CALM DOWN. *Does he have work problems? NOT THAT I KNOW OF. *Does he have functional family relationships? NO, HE HAS NOT BEEN ON SPEAKING TERMS WITH HIS FAMILY FOR A COUPLE YEARS NOW. RECONCILIATION ON HIS PART HAS FAILED. *Does he have road rage? NO *Is he typically cynical, jealous or suspicious? NO I can go ahead and blame our culture (both of us are Italian) and he has even said that when he gets angry to the point of yelling and his face gets red, he blames having his grandfathers temper. His family is disfunctional but then again, who's isn't in some way, shape or form? My parents yelled at each other but it was over in 1-2 minutes. I didn't like it so I have learned to do the opposite and I never, ever yell (unless it is to call out for my niece who is at the playground, etc) during an argument. He told me that his parents would fight forever and the yelling constant..his father was known to throw things as well. After the cops incident, I told him that I do not tolerate yelling like that and it is unnecessary. His excuse everytime is either his grandfather or that it is my fault for something I said that "tripped" him. I dealt with a yelling Italian family and I have not become them nor have I carried on some of their bad traits. If I can do it, so can he. There is no excuse. Lori, you commend me on my calm matter and not adding fuel to the fire and I thank you but, in reality, I think it pisses him off even more that I do not yell back or get involved. I just sit there and listen as he rambles on and I sometimes intervene and say "I am not going to talk to you about this unless you calm down and stop yelling". That does not work. Again, I think I can handle it sometimes but it is the neighbors that bothers me and he knows it. He could give two s**** about what anyone else thinks but thats because he works 7 days a week. That leaves me to deal with the embarassment. If we lived on a deserted island then go ahead, yell all ya want. I totally agree with respect to keeping your mouth shut because the outcome will be the same nevertheless.

Yes, some people have passionate and even volatile personalities. People in their lives learn to tolerate them or they find reasons to distance themselves from all that anger.

Truly, therapy would help to teach him calming techniques and new behaviors when facing upsetting situations. But let's face it, most men won't go through with therapy unless forced to (court order, threats of divorce, etc.)

It's true that it seems to annoy angry people to face someone who is calm. My husband would get more angry that I couldn't be riled. He really wanted another reason to stay angry and yell. You say that it "doesn't work" but let me tell you from experience that if you yell back, that won't calm him down either! An angry person wants an excuse to rage on.

Anyway, if for no other reason, his health is at risk. Studies show that angry people suffer more heart attacks, strokes, earn less money, suffer poor interpersonal relationships, etc. And they always blame it on the other person.

You're right that there is no excuse for his rages. But let him know that there is a cause or reason. And it isn't the trigger. There is a source. Italians are explosive people, but so are Greeks, Germans, Irish...

The anger is a problem only when it negatively impacts his life. Does he have to have a serious reason to learn calming techniques? A heart attack? A court order? I know of angry men who have lost their wives and children, broken co-worker's jaws, fought with other car drivers, cut off their families. At some point, they will isolate themselves OR learn that perhaps much of their struggle rests with their behavior.

My mother was a yeller. I yell. It's isn't the yelling, per se. It's what you yell, how often, how long, what emotions are being vented. Frustration is one thing; contempt reveals a serious problem.

He'll probably refuse counseling and maybe even get angry if you mention it. But maybe he might agree to a medical check-up. You can approach it from a medical angle because you worry that he could have a heart attack or stroke, plus see if there is some anxiety medication he can take.

I've known several men who reduced their anger response considerably when on medication. And it had a positive effect on their health, their careers and their relationships!

Keep positive and when you discuss his anger, try your best to word things so they won't sound critical or accusatory. A man doesn't like to be told that he is not normal. He will minimize everything.

Sometimes, if he has work issues, his employer can make suggestions for him to see a doctor and he will be more likely to follow through when it comes from that source.

Good luck, Stormchaser, and keep us posted. Living with an angry man can take its toll. What do you do to nourish yourself?

My husband is on anti-anxiety medication and has been for a while. His last medical check-up and physical was within the last 6 months. He also suffers from colitis and would get serious flare-ups to the point of needing to be admitted to the hospital when I first met him. He was living with his parents at the time and the fighting and arguing were the main culprit of his flare-ups. After he moved out and to this day (going on 4 years) he has never had a flare-up to the point of needing medical attention. I know that LAURA mentioned something about "Emotions Anonymous" and I will look into that. I do not like blackmale, but, my husbands' religion is important to him (more than it is to me). The only thing I can think of is if he doesn't willingly do something after we sit down and talk, I will mention to him that before we have our marriage convalidated, I want him to go seek guidance on this subject. What also makes it hard is that none of us have family to rely on. Both my parents are deceased and passsed on at the age of 59 due to cancer. I lost both of them within a 3 year period and I was in my late 20's. I have a sister who is a year younger than me and my niece who is 8 but that relationship is rocky. My husband's family is not on speaking terms with him and it has been that way since I met him. They refused to meet me because they think I had something to do with him moving out and getting his own place (which is false). His family depended on him financially and once he left, they considered it abandonment and disowned him (his father, two brothers and a sister followed his mother, the matriarch's lead). Also, what do you mean when you ask what do I do to nourish myself?

StormChaser, does your husband take prednisone for his colitis? That stuff can induce rage.

[quote=Connie - ADD/Sandwiches]StormChaser, does your husband take prednisone for his colitis? That stuff can induce rage. [/quote] No, his medication is non-steroidal and he has been on it for years with no complications.

No complicastions? Sounds like he has plenty of complications to me. "Side effects of Antianxiety drugs and medications

There are numerous adverse side effects that these drugs can produce. These include: Extreme anger, hostile behaviour, rage, mania, risk of sleep-driving, risk of poisoning, higher risk of motor accidents, insomnia, memory loss, light-headedness, depression, fatigue, nausea, diarrhoea, irritability, loss of muscular coordination and headaches." (google it and you'll find more info).

If I were you I would give him an ultimatum. He gets help for his issues or you get a divorce. Life's to short to deal with this level of abuse and a person has to want to fix themselves and have a good relationship otherwise there's nothing YOU can do.

My ex was a real psycho who went into rages all the time at first then he started getting physical and then he tried some cra* on my son and I left.

People like this usually don't want to change. Tey think they're right, the world owes them, they're the victim and all the while they manipulate you to think it's somehow all you're fault.

I had 2 clients on anti-anxiety too and both used to be verbally abusive to me sometimes at the gym. I finally fired them. These people don't need drugs they need a reality check from others who say "hey guess what, you're going to end up alone unless you fix yourself". They're losers who need a swift kick in the a**!