BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why can't they leave her alone??

I need to vent...


So, for those who don't remember, I have a pretty messed up family. I have a cousin who is a few months younger than me, but is a spoiled brat who tried to ruin my wedding (I put "no children" on the invites and she cried to the whole family that I was targeting her new bundle of joy and as a result, 90% of my family boycotted the happiest day of my life...then, spoiled brat drove 6 hours from South Carolina to DC and convinced my grandparents to make plans with my mom, dad, and brother, then blow them off all day, making my mother cry right before my wedding...before she sat, with just her baby, in the hotel during my wedding)

Anyways, my mom's mom has always LOVED drama and pitted her children and grandchildren against each other, making all of us fight for her attention. After this grandmother's behavior at my wedding (she flat out told MY friends sitting at the next table over that my husband was too pretty NOT to cheat on me when he travels for work...and, never once hugged me or told me I looked pretty) I have decided that I am done with the drama and haven't had any contact with any of them in over a year...my mother, however, has had 58 years of mind control, so she continues to take grandma's abuse.

Last week, grandma called her and demanded she come over for lunch because brat, her sister, and her mother would be there with the baby. Despite my begging her not to go, my mother went and had the baby shoved in her face non-stop. What ties this problem into a CF forum is: My mother is normally ok with my decision to not have children...I wouldn't say she's thrilled, but, she is proud of me for making a choice that is the best thing for me and not just following the norm to get attention like..ahem..my cousin...but, when she gets around them, and they are mean to her and shove that baby into her face, she becomes desperate for a grandchild. Because she is desperate for a grandchild, I get non-stop, pleading phone calls and "oh, you'd be such a great mother! Look how you are with your animals!!" and " You guys would have beautiful babies" I have tried everything to counter-attack...I have even explained how painful my childhood was when my mother had to explain constantly "no, your grandma DOES love you, she just can only pay attention to one person at a time, and this time its [brat]" and why I don't want another child to go through that, but she is relentless. I just wish they would leave her alone. They know that I won't answer their calls or e-mails, so they can't try to shove the baby in my face (because they are delusional and think that EVERYONE is dying to have a baby...um..yeah..I lived with my husband for 2 years, have been married for 1 more...I know the mechanics...if I was as desperate to have a baby as they are for me to envy them, I'd HAVE one by now.), so they are going after my mother and she's falling into their trap!

Thank you for listening...it feels good to get that out in a safe environment.

Ugh, I understand ugly family drama very well, unfortunately. I can't believe these rotten people (the grandma and the brat cousin) and how they bully your mom. It's really despicable. I sense that YOU are not being bullied, because you have the balls to delete people from your life who do nothing but try to bring you down. And kudos to you for that. As for your poor mom, I would offer this suggestion. Maybe next time they bully her into lunch and shove the spawn in her face and talk about how amazing it is, your mom could reply with "Well, if my daughter had a baby, she wouldn't be able to go to such and such country to travel" or "they wouldn't have had that romantic fancy dinner last night at the such and such nice restaurant in town" or "Well, my daughter is having a blast going out for cocktails with her girlfriends after work"... whatever, you get the idea. Maybe if they become aware that you are really having a blast NOT being a mom, they will quit bothering yours. However, it sounds like your own mom needs to have this epiphany too. Every time she begs you for a baby, just respond with one glamorous reason or another and maybe eventually she'll learn to say these things to the bullies; plus it would make the brat so jealous that you are out having fun and being free to wine and dine, travel, etc.. HA. Good luck.

Wow, - happy families !
Isn't this exactly the point when people with kids say how fantastic it is once you're 'family'? er . no.
Your Grandmother sounds like a mean, horrible person and good for you that you don't buy into that c@@p any more.
To spoil your wedding to that extent ? I would be the same, and have nothing to do with them.

However - your mother - a different kettle of fish, as you obviously have a good relationship with her. Although it sounds like she's been mentally abused by her mother - and it's still ongoing.

I know it's difficult, and while I sympathise with your mum, she's old enough now to be her own woman and not put any grief onto you.
I would just divert any conversation about kids, to other topics, and if she persists, cut her dead with 'you know our stance on kids, we don't want them.' or something .

My mum is the same, she appreciates it's my choice, but would still love them.
she was talking about her friend the other day, whose daughter was the devil child. they hated each other when she was growing up, and had a terrible time with her. she's now mid 30's, and I was asking if they still didn't get on. mum replied, 'oh no, she's got 2 beautiful grandaughters so they get on wonderfully.'
Really ? I bet. but my mothers voice when she said it whistfully, emphasizing BEAUTIFUL, I wonder if her friend did the same, like - how fortunate I am to have BEAUTIFUL granddaughters ( with the inference to her friend 'and you don't have any !' )

Some people are mean, unhappy, jealous creatures who thrive on others' unhappiness. - their company to be avoided at all cost.

THEN my mum said ( I've just remembered, outraged ) that when we go back to the UK for a short stay I can go round to see next doors new baby who is just GORGEOUS.'
Why would I want to go and see a strangers baby on my short trip back - when the sole reason for going is out of duty to see parents ?

OOhhh I've had a good vent too !

Just ignore them. You know who you are and what you want. Don't allow them to have any power over you.

Oh, gosh, sounds a lot like my family. I have cut most of them loose. My mom hasn't, and is certainly going to suffer bullying of that sort when my choice not to procreate becomes more obvious, and of course, when my cousins start to procreate. So far, only the eldest has a baby. But I'm sure the rest will follow soon. Really, I'm sorry she was unable to cut these rotten people off her life. And I'm talking about both yours and my mom. I like KC2500's suggestions, except that I would make sure it didn't sound like a competition. Just mentioning how much fun you had on your last trip to such-and-such, and "how about you guys, have you taken any exciting trips lately, or do you plan to?", and hope that they take this chance to change the effing subject. Could work with a restaurant, a movie, a book, anything. And they'll probably not have as many exciting tales to tell, and hopefully realize not everyone wants a baby as bad as they (think they) do, that some people prefer trips to Indonesia, spicy Indian food, and Israeli movies. If not, maybe at least your (and my) mom will? One can dream...

Gah, families can just really freakin' suck. I just had major mama drama with my sis-in-law. The breeders WAY put themselves and their progeny above everyone else and if you are not on board with that ("it's all about the kids") then you are selfish and a host of other bad things. I really feel for your pain. At least my mom's squarely in my corner on the CF thing.

Ah Swearbear, I totally empathise. My ex-hubby's gran was a nasty piece of work and everyone made all sorts of excuses for her, but at the same time made all sorts of excuses to never visit her. Thing is, she and I got on, but I think she liked me because I wasn't one of her family (my ex-husband was the only one of the family she was proud of).

Needless to say my ex-mother-in-law and ex-sister-in-law are peas in a pod with the grandmother, that gene is just waaaaaaaay too strong, hence my being out of that family for my own sanity.

Your mum's excuses for your gran are pathetic, "one person at a time"? Really? But I can understand that it could be hard for your mum to say anything to her, still I think she should be encouraged to develop the strength to do so. My Gran was a lovely person, but I'm quite sure that she had a cheeky moment where she thought "I'm getting old, I can speak my mind now" and she commented on my cousin's weight. She didn't say anything actually nasty, and it was a one-off comment, but my cousin is sensitive and also very lovely. Boy did my Gran get a phone call from all her children and Grandchildren saying (in a very lighthearted, kind way) "you can't say that to ...." My Gran never even tried the "old person thing" again (which I'm pretty sure is what it was, I can just see my Gran being mischievious and thinking "I'm old now, wonder what I can get away with.") :-D

Age is not excuse for rudeness and nastiness. Dementia, Alzheimers etc can bring aggressiveness but not so rudeness and nastiness. I don't believe there are any excuses for such behaviour and I don't care how old the perpetrator is.

Hopefully someday your mum can subtley mention that it hurts her to be treated like that?

:-(

I don't blame you for staying away. My family is pretty dysfunctional as well and I usually see them for holidays and such.

I think you need to talk to your mom and let her know that if she continues to take part of this dysfunctional cycle and ends up putting stress on you, you might end up keeping some distance or backing away from her completely. It's one thing if she is allowing herself to be tortured by these loonies, it's another when she decides to bring it your way. Let her know that these sort of discussions will not be listened to and talked about with you. If it were my mother, I'd warn her if she were to ever bring up any baby conversations, I'd have to hang up on her.

I know this may sound harsh but if this is irritating you to the point you can't stand it, then the only solution would be to keep a fair distance since you can't control the actions of others.