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NEED HELP!!!! #669822
03/13/11 10:54 PM
03/13/11 10:54 PM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
O
Ohsostressed Offline OP
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Ohsostressed  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
Okay, here it goes...my husband and i had a blow up, big one, about his daughter...14 years old...we always do but this one was bad...he has 3 more that live with us that are okay...i guess...but this one is straight disrespectful. Our relationship was so strong, without them and when they came, the relationship has faltered. he puts a blind eye up to the bad things they do, and he says i just hate his kids i dont want them here, i complain to much. but thats not it, i like them enough. but if they do bad things then shouldnt i say these things.i have no authority in my home. and since the fight, he took the kids shopping for clothes! and came back hasnt said a word, and left with the two oldest leaving the younger 2 here, but i've been in my room. I love my husband but i thinks he's wrong for being this way. I often feel like the outsider,but its my home!

Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Ohsostressed] #669829
03/13/11 11:22 PM
03/13/11 11:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
L
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Lori - Marriage  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala
L
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
The whole step parent thing takes a lot of patience and smarts. You have to play your cards carefully.

Whatever you do, stop getting angry. When you do, go to outdoors and take a deep breath. Be calm. You're going to have to constantly remind yourself of two things: 1. You're the adult so don't let a child pull you into a world of drama. A step child would love nothing more than to put a wedge between you and her father. Do not give her the satisfaction. 2. You and your husband are on the same team. Do not get mad at him and badger him to do what you think is right.

The fact is that they are *his* kids even though when you married him, you really should have some parental rights, too. But there is something very territorial, almost primal, about the parent-child bond. He will never and I mean never abandon his children so never force him to choose.

Divorced fathers "put up a blind eye to the bad things" their kids do because on some subconscious level, they feel guilty for splitting up their family and causing them grief. Fathers often spoil their kids rotten, much to the angst of their second wives. You aren't the only one to feel this woe!

Some people will tell you to "be firm" and "set your standards" and all of that sounds completely rational. But you're still setting yourself and your husband up for continuous head-on confrontations and there will have to be a winner and a loser. You may "get your way" when disciplining the kids, but your marriage relationship and your relationship with the kids will suffer.

What is your ultimate goal? To straighten out your stepdaughter? Or to have a better, loving relationship with her? If she loves you or even likes you, she will respect you. However, don't forget that she's entering that lovely phase of childhoold--adolescence. Oh, joy. frown Even biological mothers go toe-to-toe with their daughters during this highly emotional/hormonal period of time. You just have the added pressure of being the step mom.

Let me share with you how to deal with this in a way that will achieve your ultimate goal: a happy family. smile

Last edited by Lori Chidori - Marriage; 03/13/11 11:23 PM.

Lori Phillips
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Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Lori - Marriage] #669834
03/13/11 11:28 PM
03/13/11 11:28 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 91
AnneE Offline
Amoeba
AnneE  Offline
Amoeba
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 91
I would try to get counseling. Even if your husband won't go with you (which would be preferable), you can still get advice on how to handle the situation and will feel less alone.

If for some reason you can't go to counseling, get on Amazon and start querying about Step-parenting. Lots of those books have "Look Inside" feature and you may even be able to read enough to benefit immediately (or at least know that good advice is on the way).

I've never been there, but had a good friend who was and it is NOT easy, even under the best of circumstances.

Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Lori - Marriage] #669835
03/13/11 11:38 PM
03/13/11 11:38 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,024
TX
Elleise - Clairvoyance Offline
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Elleise - Clairvoyance  Offline
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Elephant
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,024
TX
I agree. Step-parenting oh so difficult. The kids, I'm going to venture here and say almost always know what they're doing and it's manipulation.

I've not met a biological parent who doesn't have bias of some type and Lori is soooo, 100% right. Showing contempt or anger is like throwing the problem child a cookie. It's what they want.

If you can calmly even if it's in a paper, not a novel, use that one to vent for yourself, but dick and jane version for the husband, black and white, with examples might at least give him a visual so he can see for himself and maybe ask if he would be willing to discuss it with you at a later time..


Karen Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Clairvoyance Site
Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Lori - Marriage] #669837
03/13/11 11:51 PM
03/13/11 11:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
L
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Lori - Marriage  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala
L
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
First and foremost, strengthen your marital relationship. You can do this in several ways, some of which include parenting.

1. A man loves a woman who loves his children. If you have to bring up something negative about his children, be sure you do so unemotionally. Be the concerned, loving parent who cares about the welfare of his children. If she is being disrespectful, tell him that you can understand that she is going through a lot, especially now that she's entering adolescence, but you're concerned that she is an example to her younger siblings and she's teaching them to act out and be disrespectful to adults. If she treats you this way at home, can you imagine how she treats her teacher? Ask him how you both can talk to her about that and offer her better ways of expressing her frustration or her wants and needs.

2. Remember to respect your husband by deferring to his decisions about his children whether or not you agree. Choose your battles. Let the small things slide. "Okay, I don't necessarily agree, but I respect your decision." And then step back. Eventually, he'll lighten up when he sees that you're not always trying to usurp him.

3. Don't play the heavy all the time. Otherwise, they'll see you as the wicked stepmother. Let him discipline them. You be the good, understanding, fun step mom. Before you can step in a play the role of mom, you have to develop a strong relationship with the kids first. You didn't have the time to bond while they were in your belly or being cradled in your arms during infancy. It's harder for you.

Be as loving as you can. Comb their hair, pick up treats for them, sing to them, dance with them, read stories to them while they're in your lap, hug and kiss them often, tell them jokes, play with them, be encouraging, help them build confidence in themselves. It's the little niceties and sweet simple life moments that forge the bond. Focus on having more positive moments and positive comments. Try your best to ignore the little negative events. Sometimes, kids are testing you. A psychiatrist told me that you need to ignore a lot of the negative behavior, focus on the good stuff. Then, when you need to address a larger issue, you'll have the emotional currency to deal with it.

They have to know that you genuinely like and love them before they'll respect you enough to let you discipline them. And when it comes to discipline, focus on the lesson and not the punishment. I always told my kids that my job was to teach them the important lesson: learn the lesson and learn the consequence. There doesn't need to be any punishment. Teach them about natural consequences so they know that they have the freedom to choose how they will act but every action has its consequence--and it's not you who will be the one to enforce it. It will be society, her teachers, her friends, etc. People won't like her much. If she breaks rules as an adult, she won't get a note home, she can go to jail.

Be remind her that you love her and you're on her side. Do you remember Maria in the Sound of Music finally forged a bond with the eldest daughter? Love and kindness.


Last edited by Lori Chidori - Marriage; 03/13/11 11:58 PM.

Lori Phillips
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Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Lori - Marriage] #669839
03/13/11 11:55 PM
03/13/11 11:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
L
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Lori - Marriage  Offline
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Koala
L
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
You can tell her that her younger sisters look up to her and when they see her acting mean and disrespectful, they are confused because everyone knows how wonderful she is. How can she act this way? Sandwich every negative comment between two good ones: "Rachel, I know I don't say this often enough but I really love you as a daughter and respect you for the lovely young woman you're becoming. That's why you need to know how important your behavior is. If you treat me this way, it will become a bad habit and you'll treat others the same disrespectful way when you're not realizing it. Pretty soon, a great girl like you will have a very bad reputation for being mean. Let's practice good manners and everyone will see the wonderful girl we know and love here at home."

If she continues with the bad behavior and there must be some consequence, let it be an natural outcome of her behavior. "I am planning on taking you all out to the movies/lunch/shopping/play miniature golf. We would love for you to come but if you really dislike being with me that much, I guess you can stay home. When you begin to talk to me in a respectful manner that doesn't hurt my feelings, you can have fun with us because we'd really miss you if you didn't join us!"

If she keeps it up...go up a notch: "You haven't learned how to talk respectfully to people in your own family. Until you can talk to us with respect, you no longer can talk to your friends on the cell/phone/Internet etc. Learn to treat your own family decently first and then you can widen your social circle. We can't have you going out into the world treating everyone poorly. You must need practice. Disrespectful people get into a lot of trouble in the outside world."

Meanwhile, be loving, loving, loving to all the kids and your husband. Explain calmly to your husband that you love the kids. But his role and your role is to prepare them for the outside world. If he doesn't teach them properly, believe me, society will. And it won't be nice.

Please read the article How to be your husband's best friend and follow its precepts in order to be sure nothing will drive you two apart.


Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
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Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Lori - Marriage] #669876
03/14/11 02:48 AM
03/14/11 02:48 AM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
O
Ohsostressed Offline OP
Newbie
Ohsostressed  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
Thanks everyone for you guys time... My husband and i had it great, we only had them on weekends and the BM was the bad guy to them, because she had rules and such. when they came to live because of that, i layed down rules...but not as a couple, and our relationship was effected by that. While they were out today, the kids expressed the want to move back with their mom, and i guess thats whats going to happen. My husband is not upset,he thinks thats better for everybody, and expressed that nomatter what we go through with biokids or steps, we'll always go to bed together at night. i guess it was reassuring to know that things might be looking up...im totally against giving children the power, which when your in between court dates, kinda gives them that, since it a tug and war between bio-parent, and i get caught in the crossfire...i will update when something new happens...still didnt getthe ring, that i threw, back yet...

Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Ohsostressed] #669878
03/14/11 03:05 AM
03/14/11 03:05 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 656
Land O Lakes, FL USA
Robin - Card Games Editor Offline
Gecko
Robin - Card Games Editor  Offline
Gecko
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 656
Land O Lakes, FL USA
You threw your ring off? Wow - Cunseling is next - I will say that.

You and yur husband need to set some ground rules for the kids AND your marriage.


Robin Rounds Whittemore
Card Games Editor
Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Robin - Card Games Editor] #669884
03/14/11 03:35 AM
03/14/11 03:35 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
L
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Lori - Marriage  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala
L
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
Yes, do keep us posted. I have to tell you that it just might be best for the biological mom to have the girls, especially while they're going through adolescence. As long as the BM can be a good parent.

It's true that you can be the good guys for a change. Parenting is hard work, a 24/7 job.

If and when the kids want to come back to you and your husband, be sure the ground rules are very clear before they step one foot back in so there will be no surprises!

Now, get your ring back and give your hubby some sugar. He loves you. smile

Last edited by Lori Chidori - Marriage; 03/14/11 03:35 AM.

Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

Dreams editor
Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03
Re: NEED HELP!!!! [Re: Lori - Marriage] #669912
03/14/11 04:48 AM
03/14/11 04:48 AM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
O
Ohsostressed Offline OP
Newbie
Ohsostressed  Offline OP
Newbie
O
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
HEHEHE...We're almost at the end of a court case so coming back might not be an option...its 2 boy 2 girls,and we rather not split them.They came with us because BM wasnt treating them right apparently. But in an adults eyes, she was just being a strict parent, yes shes very irresponsible, doesnt take care of them like i do(ie. wash their clothes, help with homework, cook their food)they have to do everything themselves, and i guess the disfunction of a new man all the time, is thrilling for them...and the fact that shes their BM, doesnt matter, and i have no problem with that trust me, im very young, and have time to have kids. My husband wants more, im not into replacing BM at all. He expressed that he recognizes what i do and appreciates it. like always, thats why today was such a shocker!!! He's a great husband despite the overlooking everything the kids do flaw...but we're ready to except and move on, with this outcome...i need to get my ring...and the smooches!!!

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