BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Husband changed his mind ... counseling?

I'm in the same boat as some other women who've posted here. I'm 30 years old and have been married for 8, was with my husband for 2 years prior to marriage. I was absolutely clear to him prior to getting married that I did not want children and that I couldn't foresee any circumstances that would change my mind. He seemed to understand and was apathetic himself on the children-issue. 8 years later, he dropped a bomb on my by telling me he wanted kids. He told me I was "stubborn" "unwilling to grow-up" and "immature" for not having changed my mind. I had no idea he even suddenly wanted kids, let alone so much so that he would say things like that to me. I was in shock and tears for days. It came out of nowhere. Since then I've gained close to 20 lbs from emotional eating and suffered anxiety and insomnia. He has been in a mood lately and I could tell this was on his mind again, so I brought it up the other day after months of tiptoeing around it. He knows my reasons for not wanting children (personal, physical, emotional, practical, financial, philosophical) so hashing out my standpoint gets nowhere with him. His reasons for wanting children are vague, "I think I'll regret it in 15 years if I don't." Add to all this the fact that I have been for our entire relationship the primary breadwinner and continue to be by a large margin. I like my lifestyle, hands-down. I work hard so I can do what I like. Anyhow, it feels like we are at a total impasse and our conversations make NO headway whatsoever. I worry we are already starting to resent each other. He's not the best at communicating his feelings so our conversations have been devastating and short. My question to this board, which THANK GOD I found because I was feeling so alone, is this: Have any of you gone through counseling to resolve this issue? If so, how did it go? Did your marriage survive? I doubt I could even convince him to go to counseling, but I feel like it might be my only hope to keep our marriage in tact. I really don't want to lose the life I've built with him, I was perfectly happy until all of this exploded. Thank you again for all being here, I've already gotten support from reading everyone's posts.

I don't think any amount of counseling will change someones mind on whether they want to reproduce or not. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you are deadset against kids and he absolutley wants them, then the marriage is over. There is no way compromise on this issue. Either you give in and have a baby or he leaves.

I could be wrong but I don't see any other way this scenario could end.

cflady, sorry you're in this situation. However, there is a lot of good news, in that your husband's 'reason' for wanting children is incredibly weak. Also, it is a reason that has been learned from social conditioning rather than for actual fact.

We are taught from a young age that people who don't 'get around' to having children regret it in old age, but that doesn't actually play out once we properly look into it. For starters, other people have made the assumption they 'didn't get around' to it, when actually the couple may well have made the decision not to have children. Then if that couple spend a day happily playing with nieces and nephews or friend's children the parents of those kids somehow leap to the conclusion that because they appeared to be having such great fun they must regret not having their own kids. Again, this just isn't the care, in reality people enjoy it BECAUSE they don't have their own, and even though they enjoy it they get home, sit down together and feel grateful that they have been able to leave the children back with their parents.

It's hard to advise you because from your comments there isn't even anything saying for sure that he DOES want a baby, it is simply just that perfectly normal human consideration that if we make a very 'final' decision now we may regret it in later life. Thing is we have to make 'final' decisions every so often in life (I've talked about this on another childfree forum). Sometimes we have to just bite the bullet and quit a job, knowing that we can never go back. Sometimes we have to stop biting our lip and tell someone exactly what it is we want to say, while knowing it will change the relationship forever. Equally when we first start dating someone who has been a friend for years we worry that it will ruin things and we'll regret losing the friendship.

Some people are just very averse to any kind of 'finality', and are prone to worry that they will regret the decision. Unfortunately for people with that kind of personality trait you will tend to find it holds them back from having new experiences, for taking adventures, from being spontaneous, and you will never find someone with this kind of personality being highly successful in business (for obvious reasons). They are procrastinators I guess, and they miss out on a lot of life because of it.

Your husband needs to realise that the worry he might regret not doing something is NOT good enough reason to do it, it just isn't. Doing something because you fear regret is utter folly. You need to adjust the mindset and think "why don't I want kids now" and then accept that in 40 years time those reasons will still apply.

Also, and this is one I ALWAYS ask about men... does your husband ACTUALLY want children? What I mean is, would he want children with you if YOU went back to work 2 weeks after the birth, to become the breadwinner, and he became the full-time carer for the child? If he objects to the idea of being the full-time carer enough that he wouldn't go ahead and have children because of it then it is clear to me he just doesn't want children. Yes, he wants a little happy bundle to cuddle, he wants a kid to teach football or whatever, he wants to come home at the end of the day and gaze at his baby in its cot. BUT, does he want to change nappies, nurse the child when it's sick, discipline it, take it to parent and toddler groups, take it to the dentist, the doctor or for a haircut, does he want to put a child down for an afternoon nap during which he gets to (finally) catch up on housework? If his truthful answer to this is 'yes' then kudos to him, and would you be willing to have one child if your husband was the main carer?

However, you have to be very sure it is a truthful answer, because if he says "yes" and then reneges on his commitment WHO is left with the child?

Also, if so many men regretted having children in old age then why do we see so many men leaving the family home within the first few years of children being born? The statistics we see across society make me more inclined to think that men regret HAVING children, not the reverse.

At the moment your husband's reason is just pathetic and is just the bog standard trash that society has indoctrinated into us from the day dot. Only if your husband can give you some genuine reasons should he ever consider having children. It's entirely selfish to have a child because you worry that 40 years down the line you'll be unhappy at NOT having had children. If you don't have them then NO child suffers. If you do have them because you worry you'll regret it if you don't and your husband then finds he wasn't that fussed about kids then a little kid's life is ruined. Which is worse?

Counselling might help him work out if he really does want kids, but it would have to be a counsellor that doesn't subscribe to all the societal [censored] that people MUST have children.

I left my husband because I got fed up with his mother constantly going on at me for not wanting kids. My husband was absolutely 100% that he chose me and he chose me knowing I was never going to have children. Your husband chose YOU, not a baby, YOU!

I agree with Kat1980: counseling in this situation won't help.
Either he respects your decision of 8 years ago and gives up wanting kids, or you separate so he can find someone to have a family with. It's that simple but that hard.

I think we're all allowed to change our minds but dealing and accepting that is the hardest part.

Good luck!

ITA




It doesn't matter what his reasons are. His reasons are good enough for him and that's all that matters. It's his feelings and no amount of talking is going to change his mind on this topic.

You can't change another person. The only person you have complete control over is yourself (herself).

It seems this is an absolute deal breaker for both of you. Yeah it sucks to lose a relationship but there's no getting around it. This doesn't sound like something that is going to be compromised.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one. His reasons as given so far as so pathetic that there is every chance he hasn't actually given any real thought to having children. That being the case there is every chance he may not want them at all, he just needs to give it some proper consideration.

Of course if he considers it properly and decides he does actually want them then it doesn't matter what his reason is as regards the relationship (the marriage would have to end) but it does matter in terms of the child that he may have one day! It would be awful if he had a child for totally stupid reasons and regretted it later.

Thanks everyone for weighing in on this. Random: I agree that his reason is very very weak. After spending most of the weekend thinking about the possibility of splitting up, I couldn't take it anymore and had another discussion with him. He said he regretted having ever told me about his feelings on this and that it was mostly a subconscious thing nagging his mind. He said he'd had a few dreams about holding a baby that was his, and it led him to think about why he might be having such dreams. It's clear he's still not sure how he feels about it, ESPECIALLY since he hasn't even begun to ponder the day-to-day realities of raising a baby/child. He also said that he thinks he might be depressed and part of him thought that maybe a baby would fix that and make him happy. I quickly told him that was complete nonsense and that having a kid is not a solution to feelings of depression. I came away with the impression that a lot LOT LOT of the societal pressure is getting to him. None of our friends or siblings have children, but his co-workers are starting to have kids and he hears about it constantly. He also apologized for the things he said to me in earlier conversations, he was emotional and confused and took it out on me. Ultimately, I'm grateful we are getting better at talking about this. I just feel like I'm more than 10 years ahead of him on thinking all this through. Women start to consider these things at a much younger age. I don't think he realized this and that's why he didn't think I could have made my mind up at such a young age. After the conversation, I feel much more reassured that he wants to be with me above all else. This issue will be something that comes up again, I'm sure. But we really do love each other, and I'm glad to know how much he values our relationship. I believe our marriage will win out over his "nagging feeling."

Glad to hear it. Of course that's not to say it's going to be easy, but it's helpful that he hasn't really properly considered the issue of having children because if he had and STILL wanted one then there really would be no hope. But men are less inclined to want babies than women (I think) and I'm pretty sure a lot of men just have a family to keep their women happy, however, if you're happy without a baby then maybe he will be fine with that also.

Good luck!

If there is any chance he is depressed then make sure he gets help. And stress that such serious life decisions should never be taken in the vain hope they'll make you happy, happiness comes from within and we are reliant on ourselves for happiness. I was married to a man whose mothers entire happiness relied on him and that is far too much for any child to bear, it shouldn't even be asked of a spouse, never mind a child.

cflady,

I am glad to hear that things are working out for now. Hopefully after careful consideration he will know once and for all that kids are not for him. Talking to him was a good thing to do, keep up the open communication on the issue.

It has occurred to me that his dreams could mean something else entirely. To paraphrase Freud, sometimes a baby is just a baby...and other times, a baby could represent a new idea, a new job, a new opportunity, or even the "rebirth" of his perspective, into something new and different. Just a thought!