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That is the thing, Joy. Nothing is another terrible thing. It's just a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. There is a huge disconnect between my intellectual and emotional maturity. That is hardwired into the Asperger's and isn't going to change.

Okay, so back to Lisa's question: is this true? I still do not know how to answer that. Objectively, no. Subjectively, yes.

I like this exercise. I learned another version during my self hypnotist sessions. It is really a "freeing" experience!

Deanna -

It can definitely be challenging if your partner is doing things which seem to disturb your serenity. Especially if you have fond dreams of a previous partner who you think somehow would be "better". So this is a tricky situation to be in.

The book would say that you start out by asking yourself, as question 1,

"Is It True?"

You've done a good job with that! You realize that, as much as it might seem a wonderful dream, that it would NOT be true that you would magically become perfectly happy if you were with your previous partner. He was not a good fit for you!

I know it's challenging to see an ex with someone else and see that *they* work. I am divorced so I have an ex husband and he works much better with his current wife. So I could have the potential to say "look, they work together! Maybe *we* could have worked together!" But it's simply NOT true. Every one of us is different. We are all like jigsaw puzzle pieces. Just because your ex fits with Woman X it does NOT mean they fit with you. People are NOT interchangeable.

So for example my ex is content with his wife and she with him. But he does things that would drive me absolutely insane. So if you substituted me in for her, we would *not* be content. She has different interests and priorities - which is great! - and it means they fit.

Similarly, my current boyfriend of 15 years has exs in his past. They did not work out. Now imagine one of those exs saw how happy I was with him. They could be jealous and say "that could be me!" However, clearly they had serious issues that caused them to split up. Those issues still exist. However in *our* relationship they are not issues. So it's an entirely different dynamic.

Just as an example, he likes to do things on his own. Play darts. Surf the web. A woman that wanted him to always "be with her" would be really frustrated and would completely hound him to stop doing solo things and to do things with her instead.

However, I am a workaholic. *I* am always doing things on my own. So I'm glad he's not bugging me when I work! I'm glad he's off doing things on his own. So for me, this is a perfect trait.

So to summarize, Deanna, it is hard sometimes to turn that corner, but it's a really important one to accept fully. Your ex was not a good fit. It's fine if he fits with someone else. You have a better fit with your current partner - and now it's a matter of polishing those rough edge areas, to make the fit even better!

So think of a paragraph to describe your current challenges. What is the challenge with your current relationship, that interferes with your serenity?

I would say first that people with Asperger's *can* grow and change and learn! My son has Asperger's and I know a number of people with Asperger's. It does not mean you are stagnant It's not hard wired! Brains are very flexible, adult brains learn and grow and adapt and overcome. Yes your *starting* point may be slightly different, and that is all!

Think of all the people who have strokes and loss of sight and so on, and their brain rewires right around the area and does fresh, new things! Asperger's brains can do that just as easily - if not even more easily

OK so your statements were:

"I feel like I am behind all the time and have too many life crises. I am always playing catch up. It's exhausting, tiresome and nerve racking. I am sick of it!"

"For a typical non-crackhead American i seem to have way too much drama. I feel like a need a babysitter."

In addressing issues, the first question is "Is it true?" and the second question is "Is it ABSOLUTELY true?" - that is, the objective truth is what we are going for. When we get through the emotional layers and cravings and hopes, what does it all boil down to? It sounds like you are saying no although you have emotional ties to feeling it is yes. Which is fairly normal for many people! Many of the book's examples had people in that situation.

So the third question is this:

Question 3: How do you REACT when you think that thought?

Describe all the different things that happen to you when you are thinking about this situation.

I have so many things that come up when i ask myself how I feel when i think about the situation. Shame is a huge one. How dare i bemoan my stupid little issues when others have no freedoms or work 14 hours in a sweatshop or are being tortured for their beliefs or live in a wheelchair?

Also i feel a sense of rage. How come nobody takes my Aspergers' seriously? It's not something to "fix" - it is what it is. I get gifts from it. My life is informed by the amazing way i perceive the world; I have something unusual to offer others in my path-blazing. I would never have it fixed. I just want to live with it in a happy way...and also to not be judged for how I am socially/emotionally by people who don't 'get' it. So i feel rage that people don't understand that it's real.

There was an X-Files episode with Mulder saying he wished he had a peg leg, so people would SEE he was disabled. Because he is intellectually adept, people expect him to handle things maturely and rationally. But because of his social/emotional disconnect, he is isolated and misunderstood. He made a point of telling Scully he was not being flip with the wanting a peg leg thing.

This really resonated with me and reminded me of things I have tried to explain to people in the past. No one would expect a man with a peg leg to try to have sensation in his peg. It's like having a brain disorder makes me a second class citizen - I get no allowances in normal society for not seeing social cues. No one understands what an amazing triumph it is when i am able to head off an episode, because they do not see it and can't relate to it anyway.

So rage about all this, and then shame, because I should be thrilled that I do not have actual real life problems like many others in this world.

It's a heady combination. If i was smart, i would act chipper all the time and pretend to be ecstatically happy with my life, so no one would think i was some kind of spoiled drama queen. Right? But dissembling is not one of the skills I have. Nor do i wish to develop that. I am mildly proud being open about my emotions, and real about who i am. No one has to wonder with me where i am at, or if i am telling the truth. If I can learn to actually BE serene, instead of fronting that i am, then that would be worthwhile.

No other way out but through. Shame and rage.

That helps Lisa, the last line especially and lately I've been applying that. So, say I have a choice between giving or getting something for myself vs. giving that money away, I'll get that special thing.

How could I break down this example? This happened just over Thanksgiving and is the epidomy of my mindset.

I wanted to make my husband a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I had a little extra money this month so I purchased his favorites, crab legs, turkey, fresh baked bread, fresh beans...etc. Anyway I didn't purchase a feast portion, enough for a nice meal.

An hour before dinner was ready, I was feeling so good about getting something for myself which was prawns. Because of all of the food I decided to save mine for another time. My husband comes out of the back room and says, "T" is on his way over.

The Earth cracked I think. All I know is I stopped chopping. "I'm not supposed to make him dinner am I? We don't have a whole lot here."

"T" is a person my husband asked if they could stay 1 or 2 nights. This person hasn't left in over 2 weeks and the office is trashed. That's where he is staying.

Not only was I supposed to make dinner for him, but this guys girlfriend too and drinks.

I was upset inside but gracious on the outside. After I cleaned the kitchn I went to lay down next to my husband, maybe watch a movie. He was irritated. I sensed that and said, "What could possibly be wrong. You're treated like a king."

At the end everything, my added bonus for Thanksgiving was that he says, "Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday you can count on me being like this. You want me to leave those days, I will, But, this is it, get used to it."

So, that wonderful gracious giving spirit that I am, slept on the bathroom floor and I'm having a difficult time trying to love what is...

Jilly,

I just read your post and it really hit something.I could totally empathise.

What a great word dissemble! People always know where they stand w/me. I lothe chit-chat. It's just not in my DNA.

However, I am disabled but you wouldn't know it to look at me. I try to work around it. But because you can't see it like the peg-leg analogy (great one btw) I come off as either not caring about something enough to be able to do it or lazy because something wasn't followed through or more accurately still pending.

I hate hearing myself complain too. When I do, I'm nausiated and shamed and don't want to go back to say a post or something. I also get the "angry" part you mentioned. That a strength in trying to work around a disability is or can often be percieved as either not having it or being lazy, on my part.

If I am in the public eye I will do my best to cover up the tears, anger, shame, but around family, friend, relationships overall I lay it all out and what usually follows is a fight or someone having hurt feelings or blame that I would just come out and say something so it's my fault, etc. Just, blehkkkk!! I hate pretending!

So, anyway, I totally get what you're saying. Thanks for that.

I was working in the bathroom and actually made progress! Pathetic as it sounds, the toilet works pretty well as a desktop.

I was just finalizing some editing and because of this thread I imagined what the women might say in terms of my dillema here.

I thought it through and came up with they'd tell me to be direct in relation to the person living here.

I told my husband he could either deal with the mess he created in letting this person live off of us (when we have little) or I would let the apartment manager do it for him.

After a cloud of profanity raining through the bedroom and a tantrum in the restroom, I mean my office. It took about 3 minutes for him to knock on this guys door.

He was pleasant to the guy but not so much with me. Looking back, I'm the only person he'll yell at, criticize, tear down, etc. while all the people in the world use him or ignore him and there's a halo hovering over his head dealing with them.

The entire experience and this forum is starting to put things into perpective. Normally I would have cried. I believe he was right...this is the way he is but Im feeling at this point, not so much that it's something (a way of life) that I must accept or find a way to get used to.

That may be the way women are treated in his family, but it's not the way I see myself in the long run being treated in mine.

Hi Eleise, do you have any idea why he's only like this with you? Do you feel that this can ever be resolved? (JOY)

OK I've separated Deanna's thread out into its own area so we can follow it more easily!

Deanna's Thread